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MiST MARVEL: GENERATION X #54 written by Quamp
MiST Marvel
Generation X #54
Original by Jay Faerber
MiST by Quamp
MiSTer’s note: All right, I know a lot of you Gen X fans really enjoy Jay Faerber’s writing. I did too, until these last two issues... After reading it, I had to double-check the credits to make sure Hama wasn’t back on the series...
(Castle Forrester. We see Pearl, an Observer, and Bobo standing around a machine that looks like a coffin with several gizmos coming out of it.)
Bobo: What is it?
Pearl: I’ll tell you what it is! It inverts a person’s personality. Now, we need someone that we want to change...
(All eyes turn to Bobo.)
Bobo: Huh? What are you looking at me for?
Pearl: (smiles sinisterly) Thank you for volunteering, Bobo.
Bobo: (Panics) What? I didn’t volunteer for anything!
(Pearl and the Observer push him into the machine.)
Bobo: Hey! No! Don’t do this to me! I’m too young to have my personality flipped!!
(They close the door as Bobo continues to resist.)
Bobo: Hey! Let me out of here! This isn’t funny now!!
(They turn the machine on. Lights flash, sparks fly, and then a puff of smoke appears from the machine.)
Observer: What do you think it will do to him?
Pearl: Anything’s a good change from the way he was.
(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the Bots watching the scene at Castle Forrester.)
Big John: [knowing it’s going to be a disaster] Pearl’s really gotten silly with her inventions of late.
(Castle Forrester. We see Bobo come out of the machine. He now has a haughty look about him.)
Observer: Bobo...? Bobo: [snooty accent from here on out] I shall never be called by that name again. From henceforth, my name is Bernard!
(SOL bridge. Crow and Tom are watching them.)
Crow: So now Bobo’s haughty, conceited, and probably vain. Why in the world did she want to do that?
Tom: Just be glad we’re up here and not down there.
(Enter Big John and Mike.)
Big John: All right, I tell you what, I’ll replace bad words with celebrity names.
Mike: I give up. You’re hopeless, Big John.
(Pearl turns to see the bots watching her.)
Pearl: Hey! What are you doing, watching us!?
Crow: Well, Bobo left the communicator open, and it’s been very amusing to watch you.
(Pearl picks up the comic book switch.)
Pearl: Well, if you want something to do, you can see this week’s comic book... Generation X #54.
(Mike and the bots get nervous.)
Tom: No! Not more Hama!
Observer: Actually, this one was written by Jay Faerber... but it does have a Hamaesque quality about it...
(Pearl throws the switch, and the comic book sign comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots enter, and sit.)
Tom: I thought Jay Faerber was supposed to be good.
Crow: He was... until now, apparently.
>Generation X
>High Jinks in Hightown --
Tom: High jinks, new lows in comicdom.
>--It’s Generation X vs. the Rising Sons!
Crow: [sings] Don’t go out tonight/ They’re bound to take your life/ There’s a bad son on the rise.
Tom: Funny, that person on the cover Chamber and Husk are facing doesn’t look like a son to me...
Crow: And Chamber is shooting a beam of energy through his mask...
Big John: And just what about these sons are rising?
Mike: Expectations... which are being quashed.
>The Massachusetts Academy sitting snugly amidst the Berkshire mountains not far from Boston.
Crow: Ah, you gotta love. Those sentence fragments.
Tom: Funny, previous depictions of the academy didn’t have mountains around them...
>Emma: I’ll ask you one more time, Adrienne.
Tom: What have you done with my favorite white sweater!?
Crow: Where did you hide my hair dye!?
Big John: What did you do with my -
Mike: [interrupts] It’s too early in the story for that, Big John.
>Where Are my students!?
Big John: [as Adrienne] Well, it’s not like I violated the Mann act or something...
Mike: Big John!
Crow: [as that guy in the Twilight Zone episode] HEY! Where is everybody!?
Tom: I was going to give them a test in quantum physics!
>The small group of mutants we secretly train are not at your disposal to use as you see fit.
Big John: After all, if they’re getting some Clinton, I want some too!
Mike: Big John!
Crow: We agreed to do this democratically! Pass around the secret ballots..
>Adrienne: But my dear sister,
Crow: Funny, the storyline tells us you two haven’t been too friendly with each other before...
>since you made me one of the headmasters--
Big John: You’re a headmaster? Prove it on me, babe!!
Mike: Not that kind of head! She leads the students!
>I have the authority to grant permission for... field trips.
Tom: [as Emma] I would never have authorized a field trip to Madripoor! It’s even worse than Iraq now!
>Emma: I’d die for those children!
Mike: [as Emma] But it’s o.k., because I’d just get resurrected again.
Big John: Ah, you’ve learned this Marvel Universe well, Mike... well, about as much as anyone can make sense of it all...
>And if you’ve endangered them --
Crow: I’ll turn you over to the child protective services people!
>SO WILL YOU!
>WHAM
(The bots make cat hisses and screeches.)
>Adrienne: My, my Emma. No need to get rough.
Big John: Come on, I haven’t seen a good catfight in months!
Mike: Big John!
Crow: Can’t we all just get along?
Tom: We’ve gone over this before. A comic book where everyone was happy would fall over like a lead balloon. Besides, the X means angst, and plenty of it. And Generation X means teen angst.
>I just sent the dear children off to the island nation of Madripoor to retrieve something that’s very precious to me.
Crow: They were having a sale there, and I couldn’t get off work in time!
Big John: And it was on sexy lingerie, too!
>Emma:Madripoor?!
Mike: That’s what she said, are you deaf or something?
>You sent my kids to that crime-infested cesspool alone?
Crow: Funny, out of all the Generation X kids, only Husk looks like she might be your daughter...
Tom: That would make them Adrienne’s nieces and nephews, right?
Big John: Well, they probably inherited their father’s traits...
Mike: Give me a break, guys.
>Adrienne: Oh, don’t be ridiculous
Tom: This is Marvel. No matter what you do, it’s ridiculous.
> I sent along a chaperone.
Big John: He came with a lot of references. He said his name was Al Fish*...
Crow: How about Roman Polanski?
Mike: Cease this line of reasoning immediately.
>Emma: Who?
Big John: John Wayne Bobbitt.
Crow: Ted Bundy.
Tom: Barney the Dinosaur.
All but Tom: Barney the Dinosaur?
Tom: If anyone won’t last long in Madripoor, it’s him. Besides, you want him to die, don’t you?
>Stan Lee Presents: Land of the Rising Sons Part two
Crow:Definitely not in the same vain as Uncanny X-Men #1
Tom: It’s more like Fantastic Four #47.
>Jubilee.
Tom: [as a fight announcer until otherwise noted] In this corner, weighing 105 lbs., hailing from Beverly Hills, California... Jubilee!
>Synch
Tom: With her, from St. Louis, Missouri, weighing in at... well, they haven’t said that yet, Synch!
>Skin
Tom: And with him, From the Barrios of East Los Angles, California... Skin!
Mike: Hey, where are Skin’s irises?
Crow: Maybe he’s under some kind of demonic possession.
Big John: You know, that would explain a lot of Marvel plots of late...
>Husk
Tom: And with him, from the coal fields of Cumberland, Kentucky... Husk!
>Chamber
Tom: And with her, from jolly old England... Chamber!
Crow: Whose eyes have suddenly turned brown for no apparant reason.
>And special guest star, Paladin
Tom: And finally in this corner, weighing in at 225 lbs., from parts unknown... the Paladin!
>Dragonwing
Tom: And facing our team tonight, from parts unknown, Dragonwing!
Crow: Who looks like Banshee with no irises.
Mike: I don’t know about you, but I find it disconcerting talking to people without irises.
>Nightwing.
Tom: From parts unknown... Nightwing!
Mike: Who looks a lot like Chung Li from Street Fighter with a bad tan and an eye mark. Strange, though, she didn’t have that bad tan last issue...
Big John: Perhaps she got it between issues... even though this one is supposed to pick up right where the last one left off...
Crow: Nightwing? Does DC’s lawyers know about this?
>Jet Black
Tom: Again from parts unknown... Jet Black!
Crow: [sings] Transformers/ More than meets the eye!
Big John: And we all know what happened to that series.
>Tough Love
Tom: From parts unknown still... Tough Love!
Crow: Hey, it’s E. Honda from Street Fighter!
>Spoilsport
Big John: Funny, she doesn’t look a thing like you, Mike.
Mike: [offended] Excuse me?
Tom: And from Hightown... Spoilsport!
>The Sign
Tom: And from someplace where they wear funky hats... The Sign!
Crow: [sings] I saw the sign/ And it opened up my eyes/ I saw the sign.
Big John: Well, if it isn’t Raiden from Mortal combat...
>Jubilee Paladin! We got trouble!
Crow:You can say that again. Last issue, you were left facing all the Rising Sons with Noy!
Tom: [end fight announcer accent] Not only that, she’s somehow gotten into her uniform from that dress she was wearing last issue.
Big John: Ah, I miss the days where there was actually some semblance of continuity in Marvel.
>Paladin: What kind of trouble?
Tom: Do you want the 5 minute version or the full half hour?
Crow: And Paladin stopped playing James Bond and is now magically in his uniform too.
>Jubilee?!
Tom: That’s her name, all right...
>Tough Love: Well, you’re quite lovely, do you know that?
Big John: I can’t argue with that one. She’s a really hot babe!
Mike: Big John! It’s too early in the story for that!
Big John: (turns) So when is the right time for Clinton references?
Mike: Never.
>It’s days like this that I hate my job.
Mike: We’re not too crazy about these comic books, fan fiction, movies, spam, and other misc. stuff that Pearl sends us either.
>We’d start with a four-star meal.
Tom: Two stars for each of us. I hope you like stars.
>Then perhaps take in a show.
Big John: La Cage aux Fowles** is playing in midtown.
Crow: Batman: The musical is nearby.
Mike: They’re making a musical out of Batman***??
Tom: Closing on opening night!
>Then I’d read you poetry under the moonlight.
Big John: [sings] Thinking of you/ Under the Mexican moonlight/
Crow: And the poem would be In Memoriam: A.H.H.****
Tom: I’ve got some poems by Sid Vicious he could read...
>But alas, life gets in the way.
Mike: She’s dating someone named life?
Tom: This whole story should get a life.
>I’m afraid I’m going to have to punch you extremely hard in the face.
Crow: Nice of him to tell her all this.
Tom: A clear sign of filler, Crow.
Big John: There’s enough violence against women in this world today. I say love ‘em, don’t hurt ‘em.... unless of course she’s into S&M.
Mike: Big John! Stop the sex!
>Paladin: Hey, hey!
Big John: [as the Paladin] Jubilee and I were on a date, pal! Find your own babe!
>Tough Love: Hmm? I beg your pardon, sir.
Crow: Sorry, we’ve run out of pardons here. You’re going to have to wait until we get more shipped in. Should be in next week or so.
>I’ll be through here in just a moment.
Tom: Have some patience, I’ll get around to bashing everyone in good time...
>Now if you’d be so kind as to wait your turn.
Big John: Wait!? I’ve been waiting here for hours! I want service now, mister!
Crow: What do you think this is, that GM Goodwrench service plus!?
>Paladin: I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist shortly.
Crow: Sigh... where has patience gone these days?
Big John: Patience? Didn’t that used to be a girl’s name a long time ago?
Mike: SIGH...
>Tough Love: Ha ha ha!
Crow: Hey! I don’t appreciate being laughed at!
Tom: Must have seen the rest of this story.
>What would you do if I told you I’m completely bulletproof?
Tom: Even to those wonderful cop-killer bullets?
Big John: [Raps] Dole the police/ Straight out of Swaggart/ Gonna cart me off/ And put me in jail.
Mike: Cut it out, Big John.
>Paladin: This.
>Sound Effect: ZAP!!
Mike: That’s it? Just one shot and he’s down?
Big John: Man, what a waste of a villain!
Tom: Look at it this way, he’s spared the rest of the story.
>Paladin: My stun gun disrupts nervous systems.
Mike: Funny, he didn’t look that nervous to me.
Crow: Must be under stress from other things.
>He’ll be out for awhile.
Crow: Well, while he’s out, can he get me a coke?
Tom: And get me some popcorn.
Big John: Personally, I’d like to have a hot Crawford.
Mike: *SIGH*...
>Are you okay, Jubilee?
Crow: [as Jubilee] Mrph rumph brph rph you trph yourph rm rtph ry rowth.
All but Crow: Huh??
Crow: I will be when you take your arm out of my mouth.
>Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine. Thanks
Tom: It’s not like I couldn’t have handled him...
>Meanwhile...
Mike: What’s up with the weird lettering?
Crow: I guess they think that it will help boost sales or something...
>Synch: Whooa...!
Crow: [imitating a horse] Neigh!
Mike: Down boy, down!
>Can we slow down a little bit, guys?
Big John: [sings] Speed demon lady comin’ down the tracks...
Crow: [sings] Go speed racer/ Go speed racer/ Go speed racer go!
Tom: [sings] Tom Slick/ Tom Slick/ Let me tell you why/ He’s the best of the guys...
>I’m not an expert motorcyclist, like Jono up there. I’ve only ridden a bike once!
Mike: You’re popping a wheelie after riding a bike only once?
Crow: He took a correspondence course in driving. Even took the driving part of his driving test by mail.
>Husk’s thoughts: ->Sigh<-
Crow: Lock...
Mike: Wrong writers, Crow.
Tom: About the only difference is that this guy actually used a spell checker...
>Jono and I used to always talk about renting a bike and going riding together.
Crow: But they won’t rent bikes to mutants!
Tom: Well, considering all the destruction and mayhem that happens around those who wear an X, I can’t say that I blame them.
>Figures that we’d end up on one together now, when we’re barely speaking to each other.
Crow But at least I can put my arms around him now...
Big John: [as Husk] Although I wish I was in front of him and not behind him...
>It feels weird...
Big John: [before Mike can cut in] Maybe his mutant power only blew off part of his Bobbitt.
Mike: Big John!
>... but a good kind of weird.
Big John: Still think she’s not reaching for his Bobbitt?
Crow: He doesn’t seem to be in pleasure.
Tom: She sure does, though.
Mike: Cease this reasoning at once!
>Skin: Will you quit your whinin’ and step on it, vato?
Crow: [as Skin] Pesky bugs! They’re everywhere now!
>These bikes were the only things we could...
Big John: Clinton on a motorcycle? Man, that’s got to be rough.
Mike: Not quite.
>borrow...
Crow: But I hope those bikers don’t expect them back...
>on such short notice.
Tom: In other words, you stole them!
>Chamber’s psi balloon: There’s the train!
Mike: [sarcastically] Gee, I never would have guessed that was a train without you telling us.
>Let’s just hope that Jubilee and the Paladin have been holding up okay without us!
Crow: Let’s see here... two against five... sounds like fair odds to me.
Tom: They’re the bad guys, by rule they have to be inept. Just look at how Bobo was.
>Jet Black: Mr. Noy, this is Jet Black you read me?
Crow: Like a book. And frankly, it was about as good as The Satanic Verses.
>Good. I’ve got a handful of them in my sights. I’m gonna take them out.
Big John: Still waiting to take the babes out? Can’t say I blame you. Husk is hot! She’s got those big Lewinskys...
Mike: Big John! Stop with the sex!
Crow: Take them to a four-star restaurant? I hope they like stars to eat...
>(Jet Black shoots some rockets, hitting the motorcycles.)
>Sound Effects: Boom!
Crow: Now I hope those bikers really don’t want their bikes back!
Tom: It was inevitable that they blow up. I mean, I could see that one coming a mile away.
>Husk: Mah God!
Tom: This is terrible! Now we’ll never get the deposit back on that bike!
>Angelo... Everett...
Mike: Don’t worry. If they’re dead, they’ll just get resurrected again.
>Chamber’s psi balloon: Code names, gel. Code names.
Tom: His best friends have possibly died and he’s worried that Husk blew their secret identities?
Mike: Like I said, if they’re dead, they’ll just get resurrected again.
>Husk: You’re right, your right.
Crow: No, no, the explosion is to your left!
Tom: Remind me never to ask Husk to direct traffic.
>I can’t even tell if they’re alive!
Mike: They sure have been harping on this for a good while, haven’t they?
Big John: Definitely stretching 10 pages of material out into 22.
>We can do this, Jono.
Big John: [as Husk] After all, Ah am a woman and you’re a man...
Mike: No, Big John! That’s not what she meant!
>You blast that creep while Ah check on the boys.
Crow: Way to take charge, Paige!
Big John: I always did go for babes who knew what they wanted in life...
>Jet Black: Gotta be faster than that!
Crow: [sings] He’s going the distance/ He’s going for speed/ She’s all alone/ All alone/ In her time of need...
Big John: [sings] Go speed racer go!
>Give it up, losers.
Big John: [as Husk] No way! Ah’m in love with Jono!
Mike: Just say no, people!
>You’ve got no chance of catching up to that train.
Mike: No chance? I’ll tell you what we have no chance of! We’ve got no chance to get out of this god-forsaken satellite, we’ve got no chance to get any decent movies, fan fiction, comic books, e-mails, or anything else with redeeming social value!
>Synch’s thoughts: Okay, Jono... I’m synched up with you, so let’s give this guy a double dose of your power!
Mike: I wonder why they have the need to bold almost every word?
Crow: Beats me, Mike. Must be some quirk of thewriter’s.
Tom: Maybe they pay the writer more if he bolds words.
>I just hope that you’re thinking what I’m thinking...
Crow: That Hama is back to writing you again?
Big John: No wonder only Jubilee is supposed to survive...
>Chamber’s thoughts: It’s now or never, Everett.
Crow: [sings] The time is now/ The time is right/ yea-ea-yea/ All out should go tonight/ yea-ea-yea.
Big John: [sings] It’s now or never/ Tomorrow will be too late/ It’s now or never/ My love won’t wait...
> Chamber’s psi balloon: YES!
Crow: We’re getting closer to the end!
>Synch: Are you okay, buddy?
Tom: [as the Skipper] Gilligan... that was some fall you took, little buddy!
>Skin: I am.... but our bike’s not.
Tom: Good thing it wasn’t our bike. Man, insuring a mutant must be a risky undertaking...
Crow: Good thing the X-Men are rich. With all the stuff that goes wrong around them, it’s a wonder they have any money at all left...
>How’re we gonna catch up to the others on one bike?
Tom: O.k., we’ll put Husk on the handle bars, Chamber can drive, Skin can ride behind him and... er, well, we don’t have a place for Synch... hmm...
>Paladin: All right, Jubilee, Noy’s got himself very well protected.
Big John: After all, this is the age of AIDS and Herpes. Can’t be too careful these days.
Mike: That’s not what he means, Big John!
>The sooner the rest of the team gets here, the better.
Big John: Well, Noy’s got a thing for blondes, so I was planning to distract him with Husk...
Mike: Big John, there’s too much teen sex going on today. Have them wait until they are 18!
>They’ll be here, Paladin. They’ll be here.
Crow: I wonder why she has to repeat herself?
Tom: Beats me, Crow. Beats me.
>Spoilsport: Hi, guys!
Tom: Welcome to attack of the lame villains!
Big John: You think Jubilee’s a guy? Man, you need an eye exam!
>I hope you don’t mind if we make this fighting-thing quick-like.
Big John: Aw, come on. I think we should stretch it out further.
Crow: It certainly would help the story, as it would spare us this dialogue.
>I’ve got a date later tonight, and I’ve gotta go home and get ready. Tee-hee!
Big John: Bummer. She’s dating someone else. Well, if he doesn’t work out, you can always turn to me!
Mike: That’s getting way too old, Big John.
Crow: I wish more heroines had her taste in skirtwear, though.
Mike: (turns) Crow! Don’t join in on him!
Mike: (to Big John): You really have been a bad influence on Crow.
Big John: Oh no, he was already that way when I first met him.
>(Spoilsport strikes the Paladin, breaking his eyepiece and sending him down.)
Mike: Say, weren’t her wrist pads gray in the previous panel?
Crow: Sure were.
Tom: Doesn’t surprise me.
Big John: Well, it keeps that dude that runs the Unofficial Marvel No-prize site busy.
>Jubilee:Huhn.
Mike: What?
>Didn’t know they had valley girls in Madripoor, Spoilsport.
Big John: Ooh... trend villain. You know that trend characters don’t last too long, and they always turn out lame... well, except for Dazzler.
Crow: Yea, but that’s because she quickly got out of her trend, disco...
Mike: What do you mean trend characters turn out bad?
Tom: Look at all the examples... Razorback, the Hypno-Hustler, Halloween Jack.... they’re all LAME.
Mike: But Jubilee was supposed to be a trend heroine... and Meltdown started out as a Madonna wannabe...
Tom: And are either of them in the trends that spawned them now?
>Spoilsport: Valley girls?
Mike: That’s what she said, are you deaf or something?
Crow: Must be from all those explosions that go on around them.
>Please -- I’m from High town.
Tom: High town, low intelligence.
>And I’m gonna be really mad if --
Big John: I miss my date! He’s got a big Bobbitt, you know.
Mike: Big John!
>-- Eww.... grody
Tom: She says grody and she’s not a valley girl?
Crow: Come on, Tom. This is Marvel. You can’t expect rational things from them.
>Synch: Good plan, having me fly us here using Chamber’s powers.
Mike: Wait a minute, Chamber can’t fly!
Big John: Since when has that stopped Marvel? The White Queen isn’t telekinetic, but somehow Synch has been able to utilize telekinesis when synched to her powers..
Crow: apparently, when Synch has his power, Synch can.
Tom: [as Rod Serling] You are entering another dimension... a dimension not of sight or sound but of lack of mind... a place where there is no such thing as continuity... a place where mistakes are the norm. At the signpost up ahead, you’re entering the Marvel Zone.
>That’s me, my brother --
Crow: So they are related after all!
Tom: They still don’t look anything alike.
Mike: I have to agree with Spoilsport. Using toes to grab someone is very uncouth.
Big John: Foot fetish?
Mike: Big John!
>The man with the plan!
>and the magic toes.
Mike: Er, isn’t Skin the one holding Spoilsport down with his toes?
Crow: Man, more mistakes. They must be going for the record here!
Big John: They’ve got to pack more than that in it.... after all, issue #42 had over 40 of them in it.
>Jubilee: Just hold her still, Skin.
Big John: So all those guys can have their fantasies come true...
Mike: Not quite.
>I wanna knock this poser back to 1983 --- where she belongs!
Tom: You realize she’s lame, and now you’re ADMITTING IT?
Crow: It’s amazing... these guys expect you to swallow anything... as if having one shot from Jubilee would knock a person down. She doesn’t have superhuman strength, you know...
(Pause.) All: Oh no! A dark Jubilee!!
>What took you guys so long?
Tom: We had to beat up on this lame Transformers clone!
>And where are Chamber and Husk?
Tom: And the Paladin for that matter.
Crow: Must be like early issues of X-Force, where Cable’s in it all the time, and the rest of the team pops in and out at random.
>Synch: Right there. We woulda been here sooner,
Tom: But we ran past a video arcade, and Chamber couldn’t resist trying out the new Star Wars trilogy videogame!
Crow: And then we passed by a clothing store, and Husk just had to try the latest in Madripoor fashion.
>But we ran into one of the rising sons on our way here.
Crow: And that transformer wasted one of our motorcycles!
>Skin: Hopefully.
All: Huh?
Crow: It’s the line that makes no sense!
>Come to daddy, kids!
Mike: So the White Queen is the mother, and Skin is the father? Chamber and Husk don’t look a thing like them!
Big John: Then it’s time to check out what the milkman looks like.
Mike: Big John!
Crow: You should have seen that coming from a mile away, Mike.
>Chamber‘s Psi balloon: Easy now...
Big John: Really... good going, big guy!
Mike: That’s not what he means!
Tom: So that there just going to let that motorcycle go careening into who knows what.
Crow: Well, they wrecked one of them, I doubt that they’re going to get their deposit back.
>Skin: The first ride’s free.
Big John: But if you want more, mister, you’re going to have to pay for it!
Mike: Nonononononono.
>Husk: Are you okay? Where’s Paladin?
Tom: Hey, I asked that first!
>Jubilee: He’s right--
>--oh, no!
Crow: He’s turned invisible?
Tom: We’ve killed the Paladin!
Mike: Well, he’ll just get resurrected again.
>He must’ve gone after the sword all by himself!
Crow: [as the Paladin] That’s right, I work alone, Jubilee.
>Spoilsport nailed him.
Big John: [as Jubilee] And I wanted to get that bohunk in bed with me! He has a big Bobbitt -
Mike: Big John! Stop with the sex!
>He’s in no condition for this --
Crow: [as Jubilee] I should have told him to stop drinking when I had the chance!
Mike: Crow!
>--They’ll kill him!
Mike: Oh, well, he’ll just get resurrected again. No sweat, Jubilee.
Crow: Man, they’ve been giving us plenty of opportunity to riff on that, haven’t they?
>Chamber’s psi balloon: Then it sounds like ta me like we got our work cut out for us.
(Crow hums the theme to Mission: Impossible.)
Tom: I’ll tell you what’s impossible: finding a decent writer in Marvel these days.
Mike: Well, Claremont’s been over in the Fantastic Four....
Big John: And look who he sent them against: The Captain Britain Corps, Technet... not exactly the highest of caliber villains, you know.
>Jubilee: Noy was in a private car, but he could’ve moved since we’re on to him.
Big John: Well, if you were on me, I wouldn’t move!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about! Down boy, down!
>He could be anywhere on this train.
Tom: And if he had any sense, he’d try to find a way out of this story!
>Meanwhile, in a secret office somewhere in Madripoor...
Big John: A secretary is secretly using the copy machine to make copies of her Lewinskys!
Mike: Big John, that’s getting really old now.
>Man: Do you see now Why I called you here, Viper?
Crow: The Viper is coming... and she’s going to vipe your vindows...
Tom: [as the Viper] O.k., you called me, but next time, use 1-800-collect! Dialing zero cost me a fortune!
>Viper: I certainly do.
Big John: Great! Let’s do it , babe!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about! Keep it PG rated, Big John!
>So I wonder what Jubilee and her friends are doing in Madripoor?
Tom: [as Jubilee] We’re just, like, innocent tourists, officer!
Crow: [as the officer] Sorry, ma’am. We’ve got laws against such things!
>And they didn’t think to have the courtesy to pay me a visit.
Crow: [as Random Gen Xer] We’re so broke we can barely afford to pay attention! Do you think there’s room in these skin tight uniforms for money?
Tom: [as a foreigner] You Americans are so rude!
>Perhaps I’ll just visit them.
Big John: After all, they could pose a threat to my terrorist activities.
Tom: And maybe they can tell me where that good-for-nothing husband of mine is!
>Caption: And back on the train....
Tom: Things went from bad to worse!
>Synch: With you and me working from the back and the others working from the front, we oughta find Paladin and Noy in no time.
Crow: Unless of course, he got off this train.
>Skin: Not to mention finding that freakin’ sword, I ---
Tom: Hey, we said not to mention that!
>Synch: Shh!
Crow: [sings] And when I get excited/ My little China girl says/ “Oh baby, just you shut your mouth.”/ She says/ Shh...
>Synch: Someone’s coming.
Big John: Ah, now we have the trilogy of worn out plotlines. Here’s the old sneak-up-from-behind ambush.
>Nightwing: Haii!
Big John: Well, hi yourself. How you doin’ babe?
Mike: Please refer to them as young women, not babes.
>Synch: Woah!
Big John: Hey, I wouldn’t get out of the way if she wanted to come on top of me!
>Nightwing: You heard my approach.
Crow: It might have had something to do with stepping on that tin roof. It made your steps sound like an elephant pounding a baobab tree!
>Impressive.
Big John: Why, thank you. You’re not to bad yourself, babe.
Mike: [getting disgusted] That’s not what she’s talking about.
>No. I felt you, Nightwind. You’re a mutant.
Big John: Lucky dog!
Mike: I give up. You never stop with that, do you?
Crow: [sings] And on the first date don’t cop a feel.
Mike: [turns] Crow!
>It’s one of the benefits of having a synchronatic aura.
Crow: Not only that, I can rent myself out at parties and be a really cool light show!
>Another benefit is that once I have synched up with you, I can copy your mutant powers.
Tom: Copycat/copycat originally it where it’s at!
>Like this sword of yours.
Crow: Considering it’s made of darkforce, it’s not going to be useful since darkforce is an atmosphere.
>Stay out of this, Skin: this one’s mine.
Big John: Yea, I found me a babe, you go find your own!
>Nightwing: No more talking.
Crow: [sings] No more words/ You’re tellin’ me you love me while you loon away/ No more words/ And no more promises/ Love.
>Nightwing: This is disgraceful.
All but Mike: You can say that again!!
Tom: Are you sure Hama didn’t write this?
Big John: I really miss the Lobdell/Bachalo days.
>You may have duplicated my sword...
Crow: But I have a patent on the process! I’ll sue you!
>... but you haven’t approached my skill.
Big John: Hey, I’ve been programmed with over 5,000,000 ways to pleasure a woman...
(Big John turns to find Mike sound asleep.)
Big John: Let’s not wake him, hmm?
Crow: Come on, Big John. If we have to suffer through this, so does he.
(Big John shakes Mike.)
Mike: *SNORKT* Whu..?
Crow: You fell asleep.
Mike: Sorry, this was putting me to sleep.
>Synch: Nngghh!
Tom: Hey! I don’t care if you are black, we don’t use racial epithets around here!
>Nightwing: Mmmpphh!
Crow: [as Nightwing] Let me go! I’ve lost the mark over my left eye!
>Skin: Lookit that.
Big John: She’s bending over and you can see down her dress -
Mike: [interrupts] Stop with the sex, Big John.
>My own take on a sleeper hold.
Big John: And now that she’s out I can do what I want with her!
Mike: [coldly] I thought I’d start by putting her in a store window as a cheap substitute for a mannequin.
Crow: You really are taking the punch out of Big John’s riffs, Mike.
>Synch: What took you so long?
Crow: [as Skin] Well, I saw that new Star Wars trilogy game I thought I’d try it..
Big John: [as Skin] There was this really hot bonita mujer joven I couldn’t help but stare at as we passed her by.
>Whatever happened to “Stay out of this, Skin?”
Crow: [sings] Whatever happened to Randolph Scott/ Riding the trail alone...
Tom: Whatever happened to quality comic books?
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots sitting there.)
Mike: Thank goodness for this break. Man, when are they taking Hama off of Generation X?
Crow: He’s been off it for seven months, Mike... We haven’t gotten any of the issues until now...
Mike: Are you sure Hama didn’t write this? I mean, it is pretty bad.
Tom: The Observer said Jay Faeber wrote it, whoever that is...
Crow: We’ve got commercial light.
(Commercials. It’s the usual standard fare of commercials, which insult your intelligence just to hawk their products. When we come back, Castle Forrester. We see Bobo dressed as an Observer. Pearl is looking around for him.)
Pearl: Where is that idiot Bobo!? I’m gonna tear him limb from limb!
(She gets in Bobo’s face.)
Pearl: Have you seen him!?
Bobo: No.
(Pearl turns away.)
Pearl: He’s fixed all my almost made-it inventions so that they work! I can’t believe that he’s really smarter than me! When I get my hands on him... I’ll tear him limb from limb!
(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots watching the scene below.)
Mike: >SNORKT<... Looks like Pearl is getting her just deserts.
(Pearl hears Mike say this.)
Pearl: (turns) What!?
(She approaches the communication link.)
Pearl: What are you doing!? You should be reading that comic book I’m sending you!
Big John: This is so much more entertaining. It makes up for all those nights I had to walk around with a dog collar on.
Pearl: (angered) Shut up! Observer, give me the comic book switch!
(An observer hands her the comic book switch.)
Pearl: Now, we’ll see just what you’re made of...
(Pearl throws the switch, and the comic book light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit down.)
>Noy: I like holding it.
Big John: [before Mike can cut in, sings] Nasty habits/ I must condone/ No-one knows what I do/ When I’m all alone/ Nasty habits are so much fun.
Mike: No!
Big John: Oh, come on. It’s Oingo Boingo.
>Just knowing how much misery I’m causing Adrienne Frost warms my heart.
Crow: That’ll teach her for spurning me!
Tom: Because, as a bad guy, I can’t have fun unless I’m making someone else’s life miserable.
>Jubilee: All right, man, where’s Paladin?
Crow: He’s in the little boy’s room.
Tom: Oh no, Chamber now has black hair!
>Noy: As you can plainly see, he’s not here.
Tom: He saw an opportunity to get out of this and took it!
>Guys, Paladin was -- Huhn?!
Crow: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I came to bury Paladin, not praise him.
Mike: Are you sure you want to bury him? I mean, people don’t stay dead in the Marvel universe too long...
>He’s on the roof! Gotta be!
Tom: Gee, now what would give you that idea?
>And it sound like he’s in trouble!
Crow: Look around you, Jubilee.
>The Sign: Hia-sa!
Crow: Which is Madripoorian for “Help me! I’m trapped in a bad story!”
>Husk: You can use all the tattoo powers you want, Sign. We’re taking that sword.
Tom: You got to admire her dedication.
Mike: It’s about the only thing that’s admirable in the story.
Big John: But what about her big -
Mike: [interrupts] One more sex reference out of you and I’m making you sort Tom’s underwear collection.
>Paladin: Attaboy, Chamber!
Tom: [as the Paladin] I like that you’re helping me, but could you aim a little closer to Dragonwing?
>Jubilee: What the... ?! This sword’s a piece of junk!
Tom: Oh, and once again, Marvel gives us a big letdown.
Crow: [as random Gen X member] I’ve been fighting for that!? I want my agent on the phone!
>The Sign: Oof!
Crow: [as the Sign]Your knocking me backwards has caused my skin to turn Caucasian and my tattoos to vanish! Curse you, woman!
>Jubilee: All right, spill it.
Tom: [as Noy] Please! I just had this floor cleaned and polished! I don’t want anything spilled on it!
>What’s so special About this stupid sword?
Big John: Er... it’s got a cute little red gem in it?
Crow: It’s the sword with no practical use!
>Jubilee: y’know, this pig-sticker may be worthless but it sure is sharp.
Tom: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Big John: Funny that she has the power to kill built within her, but chooses to use the sword instead.
>Noy: Okay, okay!
Tom: I admit to what I did last summer!
Crow: I confess... Hama’s secretly writing this!
(Pause)
All: AAAAIIIEEEE!!
>I.... I don’t know why it’s so special to Adrienne.
Tom: That’s it? Man, what a waste!
Crow: Filler, Tom. Filler. They’ve still got a few pages to kill.
>I just know that she wants it.
Big John: Well, I’m ready for that whenever she is!
Mike: That’s not what he’s talking about! A woman like that will play Lorena Bobbitt with you!
Big John: Now that’s scary.
>And so long as I have it, I’m in a position of power.
Crow: This is taking the battle of the sexes too far now.
Big John: [as Noy] And if she wants it back, she’s going to have to wear the dog collar!
Mike: Big John!
>Dragonwing: Stop!
All: Please take his advice!
Big John: Stop the mistakes! Stop the blatant disregards for continuity! It’s more than one robot can take!
>If you attack me, I drop your friend here.
Crow: Well, should we let him go?
Tom: I dunno... he works cheap.
>I realize he’s the durable-type, but do you really want to test his limits!
Mike (holds up a question mark): Here, you dropped this.
Crow: Oh please, don’t start with that again.
Big John: Well, I wouldn’t want to test his limits, but judging from last issue, I’d say Adrienne Frost might...
Mike: (turns): That’s not the kind of limits he means, Big John!
>Jubilee: Hey scales -- I got the sword.
Tom: [as Angelica from the Rugrats] It’s mine and you can’t have it!
>You let my friend go, or I’ll drop this sword in between cars.
Tom: [sinisterly] I’ll let him go, all right... now here he goes off the side!
>The train will ruin it, and you boss will blame you for its destruction.
Crow: Good help is so hard to find these days...
Tom: Well, if it dies...
Mike: It’ll just get resurrected again.
>Dragonwing: Don’t play me, girl.
Tom: I’m not a musical instrument!
Big John: Play my skinflute instead!
Mike: Big John! You’re going to get this fan fic NC-17 rated! Stop it!
>That sword means as much to your teacher as it does to my employer.
Mike: Say, where have Skin, Chamber, and Husk gone off to?
Tom: I told you, it’s like early issues of X-Force, where the team comes in periodically as needed.
>You wouldn’t be foolish enough to throw it away.
Tom: [foreign accent] these Americans! They are always throwing away good stuff!
>Jubilee: Ya think?
Mike: I thought you were supposed to shut your mind off when you read Marvel comics.
Tom: You don’t have to, but it certainly helps...
>I don’t know what Adrienne’s thinking, but this sword is a piece of junk.
Crow: It’s not the only think that’s a piece of junk around here...
Tom: You know, what terrifies me most of all is that Marvel expects you to pay $1.99 for this.
Mike: Good thing we got this for free.
Big John: It’s still overpriced.
>Someone’s getting scammed here...
All: It’s the audience!
>... I just can’t figure out who.
Tom: [as Bogart] I won’t play the sap for you, angel.
Crow: We’ve been played for a sap ever since we were created, Tom. We’ve had to endure endless movies, fan fiction, books, spams, and other various media! And what for?
Big John: You really don’t want to know, Crow.
>Now let... him... go.
Mike: Why... are... there... ellipses... between... her... words....?
Crow: Got... me... on... that... one... Mike.
>Dragonwing: NO!
Crow: Hama’s back!
All: AAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Mike: Don’t give me a heart attack, Crow.
Big John: Oh look, the Paladin’s eyepiece has suddenly gotten magically mended here...
>Jubilee: Not
>so
>fast!
Tom: Yes, let’s go slower and drag this story down EVEN MORE.
>Chamber, scaleface is all yours!
Big John: [as Jubilee] Because those dragon arms are like totally grody and I like don’t want to be anywhere near him at all!
>I gotta get Paladin!
Big John: [as Jubilee] After all, he is a real hunkmeister and we like didn’t finish our date!
Mike: Big John! Paladin is old enough to be Jubilee’s father!
>Paladin: Jubilee! I... I can’t pull myself up!
Tom: [as a Victorian Shopkeeper] Well, anyone who cannot pull himself up by his bootstraps has no business being on the outside of a train!
Big John: [as the Paladin] I forgot my Viagra!
Mike: Big John! One more comment out of you and I’m making you do micrometeorite hull repairs for a week!
>My head’s still spinning from Spoilsport’s attack!
Big John: That woman can - well, use your shameless imagination.
Tom: I thought they said he was resistant to injury earlier.
Crow: Sure did.
>You gotta pull me up --
Mike: Don’t even think about it!
Big John: Come on, you’re taking all the really good ones away.
>Or I’ll be crushed!
Mike: Well, if you die, you’ll just get resurrected again.
Crow: We’re beginning to sound like a broken record on that one.
>Jubilee: Eennhh!
Crow: [as Jubilee] Paladin... you... should... go... on... a... diet...
>Paladin: You can do it, Jubilee.
Big John: After all, you’re a really hot babe, and I’m a total hunk...
Mike: That’s it! You’re doing micrometeorite patrol.
>I’m counting on you.
Tom: Let’s see here... you’ve got ten fingers, two hands, two arms one head, two eyes, one nose...
>Dragonwing: I will slice off the rest of your face, you fool!
Tom: No big loss.
Crow: Except to JenX.
>Jubilee: YES!
Big John: He shoots -
Mike: And blocked!
>Get down!
Crow: [sings] Ahw! I feel good/ I knew that I would now!
Mike: That’s not quite what she meant.
>Dragonwing: Admit it --
Crow: O.k., I admit this comic book is terrible!
Tom: And I admit it’s starting to disgust me!
>There’s no way for you to beat me.
Big John: You’re the bad guys, dudes. You always loose. It’s in the script.
>The Rising Sons have never lost a battle.
Tom: There’s a first time for everything. Nobody is unconquerable.
Big John: I certainly would like to have conquered Nightwing and Spoilsport!
Mike: No.
>And I don’t think you simpletons have it in you to upset that record.
Big John: Kind of reminds me of that Union Civil War general who was told that Confederate snipers could kill him at the distance he was from them, he said: “Those rebel soldiers couldn’t hit me at this - erk!” and fell off his horse, shot dead.
Mike: We might as well stop reading now... it’s pretty much guaranteed they’ll win now.
>Chamber: Yea, right.
>Sound Effect: KA-WHAM!
Mike: *Sigh*... utterly predictable.
>Paladin: Looks like I get to thank you for saving my life again, Jubilee.
Tom: To have saved your life, you first have to have a life.
>What can I do to show my appreciation?
Mike: [as Jubilee] Stop drooling all over Husk and myself.
Big John: Man, what a letdown. I think every woman should be trained not to be ashamed of her body and to get in touch with her feelings.
>Jubilee: Oh, I can think of a few things...
Big John: Oh, you lucky dog. Go for it!
Mike: [as Jubilee] I mean you can clean up my room!
>Chamber: Enjoy the victory while you can, gel.
Crow: For there’s always next year when the rival teams can defeat us...
Tom: Because you’re no longer solid anymore! You’ve turned into a gel!
>Adrienne’s gonna be ticked that we lost her sword.
Crow: Darn fleas and ticks! And I had that dog use the hartz 2 in 1 flea collar, too!
>Jubilee: But we didn’t loose it -- did we, Skin?
Big John: Well, no, being in the Marvel Universe, you’ll always be a hot babe...
Crow: It’s a compensation for having to die and get resurrected over and over.
Mike: Cease this immediately.
>Skin: Attagirl, chica! Good plan, having me hide out down here.
Tom: But where did Husk go? Once again we’re left in the lurch!
Mike: Isn’t Madripoor supposed to be a tiny island? They sure have been on that train for a good while now for such a small island...
>Later, at the Snow Valley Municipal airport...
Crow: All right, I give up. How did they get that sword on board? Didn’t the Madripoorians check the luggage?
Tom: I would have to go with no on that one...
>Husk: We’re gonna get it. I know we’re gonna get it.
Big John: And I want to be the one to deliver it to you, babe!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about! Down boy, down! Heel! Heel!
>Skin: Aw, relax Paige.
Crow: Relax? I had to go AWOL while the rest of you were fighting on the roof! I can’t live with the guilt of not helping you out!
>Adrienne’s one of the headmasters now.
Big John: I’d still like to see her try that on me.
Mike: Not quite, Big John.
>She gave us permission.
Big John: Too bad they wouldn’t let us actually do it.
Tom: If she gave you permission to go jump off a cliff, would you do that?
Crow: Let’s hope the answer is yes... Generation X just can’t seem to recover from Hama.
>White Queen: Right you are Angelo.
Tom: But you won’t be doing this anymore.
>However...
Crow: You’ve now got a test in post-quantum physics!
Tom: Someone’s gonna have to pay for the damage you caused!
>Adrienne and I have had a little talk, and suffice it to say--
Big John: [as the White Queen] We had a catfight and she won. That means she gets the Paladin!
Mike: Not quite.
>--Don’t get your hopes up for any more such jaunts.
Crow: You’ve got all this schoolwork piling up! It’s gonna take you weeks to catch up!
Tom: We blew the budget going to Madripoor. We can’t afford any more trips.
>Jubilee: Um, here you go, Adrienne. It’s kinda beat-up though.
Crow: At last! I now have the means to kill my sister!
Big John: Hey, make love, not war.
>I mean, it’s not worth anything, is it?
Tom: It was used in the battle of Agincourt! It’s worth millions!
>Adrienne: Maybe to you it’s not.
Crow: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Big John: I’m not too sure I want too meet the people who treasure this...
>Jubilee: What’s up with her?
Big John: She’s a sore winner.
>That particular sword was the one that killed Adrienne’s husand.
Tom: It was tragic, actually. He was twirling it around and stuck it in himself!
Crow: [sings] he was twirling’ his gun around/ When butterfingers Irving shot himself down.
>Gruesome as it sounds,
Crow: Hama’s writing the next issue!
All: AAAHHHH!
Mike: Don’t even think that.
>She wants to use her psychometric powers to be with him for the last moments of his life.
Big John: [sings] Psycho killer/ Qu'est-ce que c'est?/ F-f-f-fire fire, f-f-f-fire/ Better/ Run, run, run/ Run run run away!
Crow: She wants to relive his pain, his suffering, his anguish? Why?
Tom: Angst. They need as much angst as possible. It’s one of the staples of a Marvel comic. And it’s getting harder and harder to find new ways to inject angst into a comic book.
>It’s kinda sad, really.
All: You can say that again!
Big John: Definitely trying to stretch this out as much as possible.
>Adrienne’s thoughts: So, my dear darling Steven.
: Tom: If he was so dear and darling to you, why did you have him killed?
>When the cold steel pierced your heart, did you know it was me?
Tom: It’s Mrs. Bobbitt’s revenge!
Big John: You got to feel sorry for her. Her husband is unfaithful to her, and she cuts his penis off. Now he’s a successful porn star, and she had to do jail time for her crime.
>Did you know --
Crow: Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper.
Tom: We know what you did last summer.
Big John: I had pictures of your jaunt to Times Square!
Mike: Big John!
>I arraigned for your death on that cold night?
Big John: Women like this frighten me. Why can’t women just learn to love men? I mean, it is so much fun for a woman to have sex with a man, right?
Crow: Well, not for some women.
Big John: That’s a kind of a letdown.
>Did it hurt Steven? I hope so.
Big John: [as Adrienne] Serves you right for making me have to take it in the -
Mike: Big John!
Crow: [as Adrienne] and I hated giving you those hum jobs!
Mike: (turns) Crow! Don’t follow his example!
>Because that’s what happens when you cross me.
Crow: Now you won’t be sleeping with other women!
Mike: Crow!!
Big John: I tell you what, if I had a babe like Adrienne, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere else.
Tom: [as Adrienne] Help me I’ve lost a nostril!
>End
Tom: Say, wasn’t the Viper supposed to pay them a visit?
Crow: That’s what Generation X #55 is going to be about.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. We see Mike and the Bots in the bridge.)
Crow: Well, now what?
Mike: We wait for Pearl.
(The screen comes to life, and shows Pearl there. Two Observers are dragging Bobo into the personality flipping machine.)
Bobo: I refuse to have my personality returned to normal!
Pearl: Nelson! You had better be insane!
(Mike looks at the bots, then turns to the screen.)
Mike: Nope.
Pearl: What!? That was terrible! Why aren’t you insane!?
Mike: Ah, you’ll never find something that will break my sanity, Pearl. Forget it.
(Pearl gets angry.)
Pearl: Grr! Curse you, Nelson! I’ll be back - and when I come back, I’ll have something so foul, something so horrible that it will break you!!
(The screen goes blank.)
Tom: We’ve heard that before.
* Al Fish was a notorious child molester. He invented the line “Hey little girl, want a piece of candy?”
**Anybody know the correct spelling of this? I can’t find it!
*** Scary... and true!
****O.k., so it’s not the best inappropriate one. E-mail me if you can find something more inappropriate.
