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MiST MARVEL: Generation X #42, The MiSTer's cut written by Quamp
MiST Marvel:
Generation X #42.
{Special thanks to Quintas for helping me out on this.}
MiSTer's Note: It's been almost 10 months since I first posted this on my site, along with the help of Quintas. Now, looking back on it, I think there's quite a lot of material that was left out, and much of it funny. This version includes some text that was in the first draft of the original, but edited out. So now I go back and torture Mike and the bots further with the same issue...
(The Bridge. Mike is seen trying to fix Tom Servo. Crow enters.)
Crow: You called, Mike?
Mike: I'm totally confounded. Tom's broken down and I don't know how to fix him.
Crow: What's wrong?
Mike: Listen.
(Mike turns on Tom. Tom floats up sideways and starts dancing.)
Tom (sings out of tune): Sugar in the morning/ Sugar in the evening/ Sugar in the afternoon.
(Thankfully, Mike turns Tom off.)
Crow: I wouldn't know where to begin.
(The mads light flashes.)
Mike: Oh God, not her now.
Pearl: Nelson! Pay attention you pathetic excuse for a life form!
Mike: What is it, Pearl?
Pearl: I'm teleporting someone over there now. His name is Big John. He's going to be staying with you for two weeks.
Mike: Well, I can always use more company.
Pearl: This is as much his torture as yours! Do not forget that!!
(Big John teleports in. He is a metallic humanoid robot dressed in long shorts and a shirt. He appears to be a Mel Gibson type, with a silly-looking leer permanently etched onto his face.)
Big John: Hey there, got any babes on this station?
Pearl:M Big John, you will stay there until you learn your lesson!
Big John: Yes mistress Pearl.
Pearl: [angered] MOST EXHAULTED AND FUTURE WORLD LEADER MISTRESS PEARL TO YOU!! And as for the rest of you, I'm cutting off the oxygen in the rest of the station just to be really cruel. I've got something very hideous to show you this time around. It's a wonderfully awful piece by Marvel comics called Generation X #42.
(Pearl grabs the comic book switch, and flips it on. On the SOL, lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: I'll have to deal with Tom later...
Mike and the bots: We've got... comic book sign!!!
(Door sequence... 1...2...3...4...5....6...7)
(The theater. We see Big John, Crow, and Mike there, Big John's in Tom's space.)
Crow: Hey, before we get started, let's have a little fun with the creative team here.
Mike: And who might that be, my robot friend?
Crow: Let's see here, first of all we have writer Larry Hama.
Big John: Isn't he the one who destroyed Elektra?
Crow: I thought he created Obnoxio the clown.
Mike: He must have done both, actually.
Crow: He's noted for being good at Wolverine, however.
Big John: Yea, but that's because ol' Santa Claws doesn't have a personality per se. These other characters do, you know.
Crow: Next, artist Terry Dodson.
Big John: Hey, Terry does such hot babes.
Crow: Can't disagree with you there.
Mike: Hey, great artwork is more than hot babes!
Big John: Bite your tongue!
Crow: He's right, Big John. You need realistic characters, life-like settings, and everything else to be right to be a good artist.
Big John: You mean people actually pay attention to that stuff?
Crow:Anyway, let's go on to inker Rachel Dodson.
Big John: What's the point of an inker anyway?
Mike: Well, the artist draws in pencil, and then the inker makes the lines dark by putting ink on them.
Big John: Well, then the inker really doesn't require a lot of talent.
Crow: Au contraire. Actually, it's very time consuming to make sure you follow the lines correctly. Now, let's talk about the colorist Felix Serrano.
Big John: Don't know much about this.
Mike: Sounds like the same as the inker. Let's skip the rest of them.
Crow: All right. I really would like to have ranted a little about Ruben Diaz, the editor.
Mike: Isn't he the one who's supposed to stop all the mistakes from happening?
Big John: He's been falling down on that job a lot of late.
Crow: He's been plummeting several stories of late. Well, let's get started, anyway first, check out the cover.
>Bianca is back -- and ready for revenge!
Big John: Say, who's that total babe there?
Crow: Must be Bianca.
Mike: White skin... names Bianca? *Groan.*
Big John: Hmm ... pale white skin, dressed in dark clothing ... must be a Goth.
Crow: She doesn't have black nail polish, though. Okay, the fold out now...
Mike: Bianca LaNiege? Say, that's a corrupted French thing for Snow White, isn't it?
Big John: I'd take umbrage if I was French.
Crow: Well, while Marvel speaks many languages, they don't speak any of them very well.
Mike: Especially English. Fold-out now...
> Caption: They come from all across the globe, and all walks of life,
Mike: Hey, they don't have anyone from the Southern Hemisphere in the team. They don't cover the whole earth.
Crow: That's not the point. The point is that they come from different backgrounds.
>Jubilation Lee is a southern Californian, ex-mallrat with the power to generate explosive bursts of energy!
Mike: Too bad she can't generate decent writing...
>Penance: Emplate originally cast his sister Monet in this form as punishment for her vanity.
Crow: "Vanity, thy name is woman."
Mike: Ugh. Don't remind me of Shakespeare.
>Now the imprisonment spell houses his twin siblings, Nicole and Claudette.
Crow: Can resume their careers as being actresses in Barney the Dinosaur goes nuts!
>M: Freed of Emplate's influence, Monet St. Croix can take her place as the most outstanding member of Generation X.
Crow: That's not really saying much, you know...
Mike: Another mess I don't want to be reminded of. Skip to page 1, please!
> Caption: She is Emma Frost, headmistress of the Massachusetts Academy, and one of the most powerful psi talents on the planet.
Crow: I thought she was dead.
Big John: She did die, but then came back. You can never keep a hot babe like that down.
Mike: Gee, I hope when I die I don't get resurrected over and over.
Crow: Don't worry, you're not a Marvel character.
Big John: She sure is looking hot, though. I liked her better when she wore that lingerie outfit. You know, a bra, panties, and the cape.
Crow: Gee, why doesn't Pearl ever send us those kind of comics?
Mike: Crow, Don't follow Big John's example.
> Caption: Her young charges include mutants-in-training Paige Gutherie, aka Husk ...
Big John: Charges? Are they like on a credit card or something?
Crow: I wonder if they take American Express?
Crow & Big John (simultaneously): Visa ... it's everywhere you want to be.
Mike: No, no, it means she's supposed to take care of them.
Big John: Well, I'd certainly like her to take care of some things for me.
Mike: Don't go there, Big John.
Crow: "Mutants in training?" I thought you were born a mutant, not that you had to train for it.
Big John: Well, I hope she's teaching those babes to dress like she used to.
Crow & Mike (simultaneously): Big John!!
> Caption: Monet St. Claire aka M ...
Mike: St. Claire? So why does it call her Monet St. Croix on the inside front cover?
Crow: Maybe she's like Domino, and has tons of aliases, or maybe Marvel just blew it again.
Big John: Say, don't they call her Moanin' St. Claire in the Generation XXX site?
Mike & Crow (simultaneously): BIG JOHN!
Mike: Keep it up and I'll throw you out.
Big John: I've been in Pearl's bedchamber. It takes a LOT to scare me.
> Caption: And Jubilation lee, aka Jubilee
Crow: Jubilee: Proof positive a Wolverine haircut looks good on nobody.
Big John (sings): "I looked in the mirror and almost fainted/Because my head looked like something Picasso had painted/ I had a bad haircut."
Crow: Who is that?
Big John: Wally Pleasant.
Mike: Who???
Big John: Never mind.
Crow: Getting back on track, what's with all this bold text? Are they afraid that if they don't bold things, we won't see it?
Mike: Hey, few people actually pay attention to the captions.
Crow: Anyway, one last thing: Wasn't Snow Valley supposed to be a small town? How'd they get a miniature golf course? Let alone one that looks older than dirt?
Big John: That course must be under the witness protection program. Page 2 now.
>Caption: His name is Sean Cassidy
Big John: Oh no, it's the attack of the bad late '70's stars!
Mike & Crow: Angel's Revenge!
>aka Banshee, co-headmaster along with Emma...
>And responsible for the continuing education of Angelo Espinosa, aka Skin, Jonothan Starsmore, aka Chamber...
>And Everett Thomas aka Synch.
Big John: Homey don't swing that way.
(Mike reaches over and strikes Big John.)
Big John: Oh yea...
Mike: Huh???
Big John: It's part of my S&M subroutine. Pleasurebots aren't exactly bought by the straight-laced, you know...
>Synch: Take your shot and get it over with, Sean...
> Synch: This ain't the Masters and you're not Tiger Woods.
>Chamber: Got that right, mate. Too old for one.
>Skin: Too Anglo for another.
>Banshee: Sean Cassidy too Anglo? That would garner a laugh or two in the streets o' the republic!
Crow: Too bad it's generating disgust here...
Big John: Say, I thought they were supposed to be searching for Gaia II. What are they doing playing miniature golf?
Mike: Maybe Banshee thinks Gaia II is in that critter he's looking into and that's why they're there.
Crow: If that was true, why is he shooting a golf ball in there?
Mike: To get her out, maybe?
Big John: Anyway, minigolf is a sure-fire date killer.
Crow: It's also a sure-fire comic book killer too...
Mike: (slightly annoyed): Page 3.
>Banshee: Fore!
>White Queen: Nice shot. Hit the lip cleanly. Too bad the point is to get it into the cup.
> Ronee: Oooh, Betsy -- check out the boy in the mask! Maybe he's some celebrity in disguise!
Mike: If he was some famous celebrity, why in the world would he be wasting his time at a run down miniature golf course in Snow Valley, Mass.?
Big John: Are they playing miniature golf with rollerblades on? Say, that would be very difficult, wouldn't it?
Mike: Maybe it's one of those extreme things where they combine sports, you know like tennis and bowling.
Crow: Tennis and bowling?
Mike: Yea, you shoot a tennis all at ten pins, trying to knock them over in one stroke.
Crow: I'm sorry I asked. Geez, we've said a lot and covered little.
Big John: The best is yet to come, amigos.
>Betsy: Famous or not, Ronee- he's still seriously cute!
Big John: Hey, you're not too bad yourself there, babe!
Mike: I'm not warning you again, Big John...
>M: It looks like the local talent is looking to poach on your turf, Gutherie!
Big John: [sings] Someone in the club tonight has stolen my ideas...
>Husk: Oh? I hadn't noticed that my brand was on his rump, Monet.
>Jubilee: Snikt away the claws, girls... we're supposed to be pals, remember?
Big John: So what's that PG on his rump for anyway?
Crow: Let's move on to page 4.
>Ronnee: Oops! Why, that pesky ball just flew out of my little hand!
Mike: Maybe next time you'll remember to wipe your hands after eating that greasy burger.
>Chamber: OW!
>Ronnee: Oh, we're soooo sorry!
>Betsy: Does it hurt?
All: This dialogue, definitely!
>Is there anything we can do for you?
Big John: Yea, bend over Betsy babe, Big John is flyin' in!
Mike: Hey! Cut it out!
Big John: Gee, you're no fun.
Mike: Why is Jono wearing a shirt that says "Paul" on it?
Crow: Good question. What I'd like to know is where can I meet some impossibly hot babes like that which will swoon over me like they do Jono here.
Mike: Come on, this is the Marvel Universe. If those two were in this reality, they'd be supermodels, probably hawking makeup or some-thing like that.
All (singing simultaneously): Easy, breezy, beautiful, cover girl!
Crow: Well, they don't have much covered, do they?
Mike: I bet Hama thought it would be funny to have some babes hit on Jono like this.
Crow: It's definitely a letdown.
>Ronee: You're not from around here, are you?
> M: How utterly shameless!
>Jubilee: Hey Paige -- ain'tcha gonna do something?
>Husk: IF that's what he likes, he's welcome to it!
Big John: Who's more shameful: Someone who sentences their sister to a life of misery and silence for her sin, or these two babes?
Crow: I like that they drew them as black figurines against a setting sun, even though the panel before, the sun is higher in the sky. That's a clear indication that the artist is falling behind on his/her deadline.
> Banshee: Another hole-in-one, eh, Emma? The sixteenth one. Not cheatin' are ye?
> Queen: Who, moi?
Mike: So how can she cheat?
>Caption: Later...
Mike: Don't try this one.
>Skin: I sank it! I sank it!
Big John: [before Mike can interrupt, sings] Sink the pink!
> Betsy: That ball raised a little lump on your cute little head --
Mike: If you're so worried about his well being, why did you hit him in the head with a golf ball in the first place?
>Ronee: So what's with the mask, huh? What'cha tryin' to hide?
Mike: I got news for you... you ARE!
>Husk: That's it!
Crow: [as Husk] I've had enough of these mistakes and bad dialogue! I'm leaving this series!
>Now, they're jeopardizing the security of Generation X!
Mike: So Paige waits until NOW to intervene?
Mike: I don't think I could have either. You know, I have NEVER seen a girl fawning over anyone like that. If a woman likes a man, she's subtler about things. She gives him a wink, a smile, but doesn't go straight up to him and start pawing him.
>M: Say -- that big ugly thing wasn't there when we got here!
Mike: Something else I'd like to know: how is that small, dilapidated building there able to support the weight of that starship? It's got to weigh several tons!
>Queen: Last hole. If I sink this in one shot, I get a free game and a special prize!
Big John: You win a box of X-rated chocolates!
(Mike hits Big John again, shoving him.)
Big John: Ooh baby....
>M: I do believe the altercation has escalated into physical violence!
(The bots make cat hisses and screeches.)
>Bianca: That's her! The cheap blonde teeing up!
Crow: You mean she's cheap? I wonder if I could rent her out a night or two...
(Big John nudges Crow and winks.)
Crow: Keep it G rated, Big John!
>Warpy: That is the great and powerful Emma Frost?
Crow: If she was so great and powerful, why is she at a minigolf course?
>And now, after all those years cooped up in that nether dimension because of her, I am back...
Big John: Yea! Bend over, Goth babe, I'm comin' in fer ya!
> Bianca: And payback is going to be sweet indeed, now that I have acquired psi-powers to rival her own!
Mike: Erm, I don't know if I'd want to date a woman that could read my mind .... after all, she'd pick up on some naughty thoughts.
Crow: Let's go onto page 12, shall we?
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. Mike, Crow, and Big John are working on Tom some more.)
Mike: I give up. I can't fix Tom.
(Big John looks over Servo.)
Big John: Ah, there's your problem there, you've got a series circuit layout where a parallel layout should be. Just push that wire over there, and ...
(Big John is electrocuted as the commercial light comes on.)
Mike: We'll be back after this...
(Commercials. When we come back, Mike and the bots are looking over Tom.)
Mike: I think I see what's wrong now...
(The Mads light comes on. The screen then opens to see Bobo and the Observer there.)
Observer: Guys, I know this one's pretty bad, and I feel for you... but sometimes, people have to get hurt in the name of science...
(Enter Pearl.)
Pearl: What are you doing!? You should be reading that horrific comic book!
(The lights flash, buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of Pain. Mike, Crow, and Big John sit.)
>Stinky: We have a deal, right?
Crow: Well, no matter what you do in Marvel, it's always silly. Onto page 12
>Caption: A billion miles away and just around the corner, in the psionic plane...
Mike: More bolding? They must think we're going blind or something.
> Ananasi: You claim to be a warrior, Psylocke ...prove it!
Crow: Gee, all that training, all that experience in writing, and this is the best Hama can come up with?
>Caption: In a fencing match as much about trickery and agendas wrapped within riddles as it is about fighting skill...
Mike: Yea, and she somehow suddenly got back into her uniform with no explanation!
>And triggered a chain reaction that releases a psionic pulse through the very fabric of the psi-plane...
Mike: I wonder why they feel the need to bold every other word?
Crow (Annoyed): Page 13, now.
> Caption: The EMP wave, invisible to all, travels like a psionic tsunami at the speed of thought ... seizing every psi-talent in its path.
Mike: Say, all brains operate on EMP waves, so it should have affected everyone, right?
(Grumbling, Big John gets up and exits.)
Crow: What innocent mind are you talking about, Mike?
> Caption: ... And even those who acquired their power by alien means.
Crow: Geez, she's only been in two issues, and already they're changing her powers around.
(Suddenly the comic snaps off the screen they were reading it off, and the theater opens)
Mike and Crow: What the hell?
(Door Sequence Back on the Bridge. Pearl looks even madder than usual.)
Pearl: And exactly what did you do to Big John?
(Very reluctantly, Mike goes off. A few seconds later there's a crash and a yell. A few seconds more and he's back, dragging Big John and looking irritated.)
Mike: And stay out of my room! It took me ages to get all of that Elvis plate collection! Pearl wants to talk to you.
(Pearl ends her communication.)
Mike & Crow (simultaneously): Oh God no...
Mike: We've got comic book sign!
(Door Sequence. Theater of Pain. Mike and the bots sit.)
Crow: Page 14.
Crow: But Nancy Lopez is not worried about the competition.
> Ronee: Oooh! Coming on strong, huh?
Mike: This guy is fainting on top of you and all you can say is 'coming on strong?'
Mike: Big John! Not again...
>Husk: JONO! You stop that right this instant! What's gotten into you?
Crow: Like he could really stop this mess after just fainting...
> Unknown dwarf: Hey! What happened to Bianca? She just, like, crushed Stinky and Windy!
Mike: Say, weren't Stinky and Windy standing in front of her before hand?
> Synch: Woah! Emma just, like, fainted!
Crow: Woah, Ev just, like, spent way too much time with Jubilee. And look at Banshee in that panel. He's bending a golf club without having the superhuman strength to do so.
Big John: With writing like this, I doubt anyone could recover.
>Banshee: Fess up, Emma, girl.
Crow: [sings] Backfired/ Your plan my man/ Backfire/ In your face...
> Husk: Hey! You get off her right now!
Crow: Oh, so first she hates it, now she likes it.
>Betsy: Eeyew! Something's wrong with him --!
Big John: [sings] Welcome to the spazz age/ Everything's under control...
Big John: Well, if I was there and she was unconscious, I'd -
> Dwarf: No! All the extrapolations for the reality thread where Bianca's life force is nullified lead to a future where we are stuck in these disgusting forms forever!
Crow: You managed to work out all the infinite number of realities that this act could lead to in *that* short a time?
>Ronee: Out of my way, Daisy Mae -- I took the C.P.R. course!
Big John: Hey, I wouldn't mind doing that with you, babe!
>Betsy: Waaaay gross!
Crow: Looks like you got your answer, Mike.
>You were gonna plant your lips on that?
Mike: Oh, so NOW you figure that out.
Mike: [as Betsy] Quick! There's a way out of this mess! Let's take it!
>Minigolf course owner: Yo! You win the prize and a free game! Yo -- Hey! You're not hurt, are ya?
Crow: This story is almost fatal, actually.
> Owner of minigolf course: You're not gonna sue, are ya? Hey whatchoo doin'to that club, bub?
Big John: Can you say lawsuit? The X-people are loaded, man! Go for millions in damages!
> Husk: You've got some nerve flirting with townie girls!
Mike: Turn back to page 3. Didn't she say: "I hadn't noticed that my brand was on his rump, Monet?"
> Husk: What do you have to say for yourself?
Crow: "HELP! Someone's changed my eye color!" That's what I'd say.
>Minigolf owner: Don't look now but your mouth is on fire!
Big John: So much for concealing his bad smoking habit...
>Queen: I guess it's time to do a partial mind-wipe on you and make you forget what you've just seen --
All: Okay - wha?
>Minigolf owner: Something's not working right in your cabeza, lady!
Mike: And if you can swallow all of this, you probably have the whole dinette set missing.
Mike: Oh, it took you THIS long to notice? Crow: Yea, something isn't right ... the script for starters ... Why is Chamber still spewing psionic energy when there's supposed to be none left?
Mike: Ah, a proud graduate of the Dan Quayle School of spelling.
>Synch: Could be astigmatism or glaucoma!
Crow: You see a kid on fire, and all you care about is the weird thing on the roof?
> Banshee: "Let's get out of dodge, kids ... methinks we've upset the status quo sufficiently for one afternoon."
Crow: "Get out of dodge?" and "Methinks?" Someone's mixing up his metaphoric origins here.
>Bianca: That's right! If you little dwarves try to do me in, you'll never get returned to your true insectoid forms!
Crow: O.k., a big spaceship lands on their roof, and leaves no traces there. Surely there would have been some landing gear pattern markings on it, right?
>Biff?: What are you raving about, Lumpy?
All: The writing!
>Biff: I'm lookin', Lumpy. What am I supposed to see?
Big John: That sounds very painful.
> Banshee: "This wee excursion just might bring the prying eyes o'authority down on our heads, Emma!"
Crow: Oh, and all that stuff that's been going on at the academy hasn't yet? Just where was Authier when Emplate was causing such a mess back a few issues ago?
>Why on earth didn't ye do a nice mind-wipe on these two wee girlies and that great fat lout?
Big John: You think they're wee? Man, you need an eye exam!
>Queen: I tried, Sean -- but something wasn't working quite right, and --
Big John: Okay... engaging internal clock here...
(Pause.)
Big John: Looks like it's doing zero miles per hour.
>Looks like a Ferrari from the future!
Mike: How can you tell? When you first see her, she's got her face covered!
Crow: [as Gaia] I was driving along when this stop sign attacked me!
>I was driving along and all of the sudden I blanked out for a second --
Big John: [as Gaia] I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell my parents about this ... erm, you're not buying this, are you?
> Banshee: Gaia she's that mutant from the universal amalgamator! She's a mutant with psi-powers!
Big John: But in issue 39 it says her only power was to turn on the universal amalgamator.
>White Queen: Mmmmm...
Big John: [sings] Once/ There was this kid who/ Got into an accident/ And couldn't come to school...
>And she just had a black-out experience at just about the same time I did!
Crow: Coincidence? You decide.
>Synch: Chief Authier, I think I can, um -- explain what's going on here --
Crow: Once there was a woman named Psylocke and a woman named Revannche...
>Chief Authier, you will walk away and not remember any of this.
> Authier: I'm not quite senile yet, young lady.
Big John: But I'm beginning to think the writer is!
>I'm not likely to forget anything about you. I've been keeping an eye on you ever since your weird pre-fab house appeared last week ... That thing looks like Pablo Picasso designed it after too much sangria!
Big John: I think Hama had too much to drink before writing this.
Mike: Say, didn't the neighbors notice that house suddenly appearing? And why didn't they call the police?
> Skin: That house screams alien dimension!
Mike: So she's been to the future, been to an alien dimension, where hasn't she been?
> White Queen: "The girl is probably a powerful telekinetic ... she can materialize matter out of thin air!
Mike: I thought telekinesis meant that you could move objects with your mind, not make something suddenly appear.
>Banshee: Her power doesn't seem to be working. Maybe it's you who should be takin' a whack at wiping Authier...
Crow: [as Butt-head] Huh-huh, huh-huh-huh. you said "wipe."
> Authier: It wouldn't do any good, ma'am. I've got the "sight" too --"
Big John: Since when was Chief Authier telepathic?
>Or I had it until a few minutes ago. Luckily my cruiser was parked, or I would have slammed into something like this young lady did.
Crow: While we're on Authier's telepathy, why didn't the White Queen sense he was telepathic?
> Queen: I -- heh heh -- don't have the slightest notion of what you're talking about, Chief!
Crow: [as Authier] I'll make it simple. Where were you on the night of June 31st!? We have reports
that you were nowhere to be found!
>Are you saying you're psychic or something?"
Big John: Ooh, I love it when they play coy.
>Authier: Okay, play it your way, Ms. Frost.
Mike: Is that "mother" written on Authier's name tag?
>... So why don't you nice folks take her back to that academy of yours and get things sorted out amongst yourselves and I'll deal with having this towed discretely. Deal?
Mike: Can you believe this deal? She causes considerable property damage and the Chief gives her a slap on the wrist! She has a probably stolen car and home, and he puts her in the care of the Generation X people!
> Gaia: "I was only trying to have fun! Honest!"
Crow: [sings] Girls just wanna have fun...
>Banshee: What was Authier goin' on about --? -- All that malarkey about the "sight" being turned off.?
> Queen: "He's right. My power --it's gone."
Mike: And you're letting her drive without her powers?
Mike: If she had any sense, she'd be trying to get out of this series and into one with better dialogue.
> Husk: "And poor Jono can't "talk" like he used to!"
Crow: So now he's "poor Jono."
> Banshee: "Ye Gods! Something has wiped out all the psi-powers! What're the repercussions of this gonna be?"
Crow: Well, so far, it's been bad dialogue and unbelievable plot lines.
>Caption: Meanwhile, at twenty thousand feet..
Mike: I thought she lost her telepathy. How did she find out about this?
>Greasy: OW! OW!
> Warpy: "She is like really hard to take!"
Mike: So is this plot and dialogue.
>Maybe being stuck as dwarves for eternity isn't so bad after all?
Big John: Well, if you do, could you take Hama along?
> Stinky: Don’t do it , Warpy!
Mike: So take a bath for Pete's sake! Are you gonna melt in water or something?
>Someone: We’ve been hit! Something sheared off the port power pod!
Mike: Erm... so why is the starboard side smoking...?
Big John: What happened? Why didn't they see each other before they hit each other?
>Warpy: Pull up! We’re gonna crash!
Crow: [sings] Crash and burn...
> Elsie-Dee: "Gowwy, Albert! I weally think we hit something back there ..."
Mike: Gowwly, guys. Elsie-Dee can't make up her mind which sound is the one she can't pronounce.
>Maybe we should turn around and see if they need help?
Big John: Albert and Elsie-Dee sure don't seem concerned that their plane is on fire.
>We clipped a Blattarian hyperspace cruiser.
All: [as the roaches] RAID!?
>To be continued!
Mike: Let’s not continue this and say we did.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door Sequence. The SOL bridge.)
Mike: Hey, you were right... I can fix Tom now...
(Mike makes some adjustments, and then Tom springs to life.)
Tom: Ah, thanks, Mike. It’s good to be back. So who’s the new guy?
(The Mads light comes on, and then the screen opens to show Pearl, Bobo, and an Observer there.)
Pearl: So, what did you think of Generation X #42?
Banshee: Ye Gods! Something has wiped out all the psi-powers! What’re the repercussions o’ this gonna be?
Crow: She just gives the ball a telekinetic shove.
Big John: But the Handbook to the Marvel Universe says the White Queen isn't telekinetic.
Crow: Apparently, she's getting new powers.
Big John: Ohmigawd! That means they're gonna turn her into a Dark White Queen.
Mike: Er, wouldn't that make her a Gray Queen?
Crow: And for that matter, since her powers are based on her DNA, wouldn't that require a major genetic restructuring of her DNA?
>Skin: It looks like it's going in!
>Banshee: That it does, Angelo!
Big John: [as Beaver Cleaver] Aw gee Wally, you never let me have any fun.
>Banshee: Twenty-three. That's only nineteen over par. You're getting better.
Mike: Big John!
> Ronee: -- Would you like us to rub it and make it feel better?
Crow: And how is rubbing it going to make it feel *better*?
Big John: Maybe she's a sadist.
Crow: I guess we've all got out little hang-ups. I'd still like to meet someone who would swoon over me like that though. You have to admit, Chamber's not the best looking of the guys.
>Chamber: Um... don't do that, please --
>Your voice! It's so mellow, it's as if I'm hearing it inside my head...
Big John: I wish I could meet some babes like these that were so lost in raging hormones that I could do 'em.
Crow: Dream on, Big John.
Big John: Onto page 8.
>Leave him alone, Girlie!
Crow: Apparently, she can't take much more of their bad dialogue. I know I couldn't.
Crow: And you'd know these things, Mike?
Mike: Hey! I'm better versed in the subtitles of things than Big John here is is.
Big John: Must be one of Hama's fantasies, anyway.
Crow: Good point. Not only that, the rest of the team doesn't seem to care that Husk slapped those girls.
Big John: I'd like to give them a little slap - on their -
Mike and Crow (interrupting): Big John!
>Jubilee: I guess you would notice, huh? The way you're always lookin' up past your nose!
Crow: And it came in and landed there, and NOBODY notices this.
Mike: Well, we are in the Marvel universe. It probably takes a lot more than a weird looking spaceship to make them lift an eyebrow.
Mike: Big John!
Mike: SIGH....
Crow: [trying to save the situation] Next line please!.
>Jubilee: Wow! Good shot, Paige!
>Someone: That is your great enemy, Bianca?
Big John: I certainly would like too as well.
Mike: You probably couldn't afford her Crow, with all the time you spend surfing the net.
Crow: Hey, I get my net time for free.
Mike: Then what was all that charge on my credit card for?
Crow: Oh, that was for the... err... replacement parts. Yea, that's it.
Big John: Hmm... I'd start checking out some of the lesser-used parts of the station if I were you.
>Bianca: It certainly is!
Crow: And you couldn't keep any secrets from her.
Big John: Eh, I don't care. I'd still boff her one.
Mike: Big John, I'm warning you...
Big John: Lemme take a look see...
Mike:Sorry, but we're not even close to being insane yet...
>Warpy: We help you get your revenge and you promise to change us back into our beautiful giant cockroach selves...
>Instead of these silly, bipedial, uncarapaced, disgusting things that don't even have egg sacs!
>...Betsy Braddock, aka Psylocke is locked in a deadly duel with Ananasi the Trickster.
Big John: Well, some guys do pull the rod while looking at these pictures.
Mike: Big John! All right that's it! Get out of here! I don't care what Pearl says, you're corrupting an innocent robot mind!
Crow: Innocent? Who? Camerabot, maybe?
Big John: Oh come on, Mike. You know that these comic books are geared to sell to horny adolescent boys.
Mike: But this is supposed to be a family viewing show.
Big John: All right, all right. I'll calm down. Promise.
Crow: Way to break the fourth wall, Mike.
Mike: Shush.
Crow: Back to the comic here... I think they believe that if you can't be good, be bold!
Big John: Kinda like you can tell how bad a chorus line is by counting the number of times they say "Hooray!"
Mike: If this comic was a musical, they'd be shouting "hooray" every five seconds!
Crow: Oh yeah, and there's something else I'd like to know. Is her first name Elizabeth, Elisabeth, or Betsy?
Mike: Depends on who's writing it, I suppose.
Big John: Handbook says it's Elizabeth, and Betsy is an alias.
Mike: Geez, you've got that handbook memorized, haven't you?
Big John: Gives me something to do when she's not in the mood.... which is quite a lot...
> Psylocke: I will! I will!
Big John: Joe Kelly wrote that part.
Mike: Probably to prove to us that Hama isn't the only bad writer that Marvel has.
Crow:He should go and write the Rampaging Hulk.
Big John: Isn't that the one where they brought back the dumb green Hulk?
Crow: Yea ... and they're doing the same thing over again. But that's another rant all together.
>Psylocke: NO!
>Caption: Too late, Psylocke realizes that she has unwittingly unleashed a psionic blast into a carefully engineered trap ...
Big John: I wish more heroines wore skimpy clothing like that.
Crow: Some of them are starting to, like Elektra...
Mike: I'm going to be kind and ignore that comment...
Crow: Well, on the psi plane, you can suddenly change your appearance.
Big John: I think I'd like to go there and turn in to a very hot hunk, one the babes would swoon over.
Mike: I'm not warning you again, Big John.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>... that could potentially overload and disable every psi-tallent in the universe!
>Powerful ones...
>...Those who utilize a form of telepathy for communication...
Big John: Maybe the rest of them don't utilize EMP waves. Notice telepathic M doesn't get psi blasted.
Crow: Then how could their brains function? Maybe it's the same way that women don't have a time of the month in the Marvel Universe.
Big John: Yea, I can't picture any of these Generation X babes saying: "I'm bloated, I'm cramping, I'm retaining water ... LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Mike: Oh heaven's sake! That's it. Leave. Now.
Big John: But that joke wasn't even that bad!
Mike: Call it the straw that broke the camel's back.
Mike: He was beginning to get on my nerves, okay?
Crow: You've really been up here too long. Or maybe he's reminding you of the one thing you miss the most.
Mike: Do you want to join him out there!?
Mike: That ought to tell you how strong a character she is.
Crow: Maybe she's turning into a dark Bianca LaNiege.
Mike: That would make her Snow Gray, right?
Crow: is that like yellow snow?
Mike: Onto page 14 now.
Gypsy (from off panel): We have an incoming communication.
Crow: Oh well, who are we to argue? Lets get outta here!
Mike: He's got a libido the size of the universe. I threw him out. I guess he wandered off into the satellite somewhere.
Pearl: He goes back with you. Now.
Mike: You've got to be kidding me!
Pearl: Let's put it another way Nelson. Bring him back now or the oxygen goes off. Everywhere!
Big John: By the way, you should find a better hiding place for that magazine.
.
Pearl: Well, are you starting to learn your lesson, Big John?
Big John: Yes most exhaulted mistress Pearl. I promise to be a good boy from now on.
Pearl: You say it but you don't mean it. I said you were going to stay in that hellhole for two weeks, and I meant it. I teleported you there to teach you a lesson.
Big John: Please, Most exhaulted mistress Pearl, I didn't mean to -
Pearl (Interrupts): Shut up! And as for you, Mike, you will have to keep him there! This is as much his punishment as it is yours.
Big John (Brightly): So where were we?
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and pre-door sequence chaos erupts.)
>Synch: She did it! She aced the whole course!
>Eighteen holes-in-one!
>Chamber: Uhhh -
Crow: It amazes me that she has so little care for him now that he's in trouble.
Big John: And Oooh? I haven't seen this much moaning by a woman since the classic porno flick "Pump Me Up XIV."
Crow: I wonder if Hama used to write porno?
Big John: It's about the same quality.
Mike: I said stop it with the libido and I mean it!! You're beginning to influence Crow.
Big John: I'm not bad, I'm just programmed that way.
Crow: You believe I need influencing? Oh Mike, Mike, Mike...
Big John: Oh, are you already that way?
Big John: Go for it, dude!
Mike: SIGH...
>Stinky: Ow! Ow! Get off!
Crow: Sure were.
Crow: At least the three of them are spared Hama's dialogue for awhile.
Mike: Why doesn't Stinky just take a shower?
Crow: But I tell you what, If a babe like Bianca was on top of me, I wouldn't want her off.
Big John: Atta boy, you're learning.
Mike: Do you want me to throw you out as well!?
Crow: Geez, sorry. Page 16.
Mike: Are you sure it's not just a cheap golf club?
Crow: Believe me, if it was, it wouldn't work very well.
Mike: Maybe it works better now that he's bent it up.
Crow: Well, the plot and dialogue haven't worked better.
>White Queen: I- I'm okay, now... it was like something exploded in my head!
> You were usin' a bit of the old psi-power to guide the those balls, weren't ye? And something backfired on ye!
> Ronee: Spoilsport!
Mike: I wish she'd make up her mind.
Big John: Well, if she was on top of me...
Mike: Finish that sentence and I'll make you rust.
> -- his eyes are rolled up inside!
>What a spazz!
Mike: Who was that???
Big John: NCM. That stands for non-compos mentos.
Crow: [false panic] Ohmigawd Chamber's being possessed by Satan everyone run for your lives!
Mike: [trying to move things along] Onto page 16.
>Spikey: She's out like a light! Now's out chance!
>Greasy: Let's bash her brains in!
Mike: Cut it out, Big John. They're just desperate to get out of this horrific storyline. I give up. You just can't keep your mind out of your pants.
Big John: I can't help it. I was originally programmed to be a pleasurebot to Pearl.
Mike: Good God.
Crow: Heh. No wonder she's acting so bad.
Big John: I resent that!
>Wha? She's unconscious and we can't even kill her?
Big John: I still say they should go for it. Hey, gang bangs can be fun!
Mike (ignoring Big John): "There are an infinite number of realities out there ..." One of them has got to lead to their turning back to normal. The laws of probability say so.
Crow: "This alternate reality stuff makes my head spin." -Brit-Man #65, in Excalibur #47. One last thing. The psi plane is destroyed, so why is Chamber still around? They told us he was composed purely of psionic energy.
Mike: Let's not get into that dead and resurrected thing again. Page 17.
>I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth!
Mike: Cut it out, Big John!
Crow: Gee, and to think all this time I though C.P.R. was pushing on the heart to get it to work... I'm so glad they corrected me on that one...
Mike: I wonder what Betsy thinks of this dialogue?
> Ronee: He's some kind of freak!
Big John: You seemed pretty eager to do the same not two minutes ago...
Crow: I thought only guys really get blinded by raging hormones.
Big John: Well, if women do, I want to meet 'em!
Mike: Even if she looks like a cross between Bella Abzug and Roseanne?
Big John: Well, maybe not her ...
>Ronee: Let's get out of here!
>Jubilee: S'matter? Never seen a nuclear furnace before?
Mike: Just what we need, another lawsuit clogging up the courts.
Crow: She loves him, she doesn't love him ... I wish she'd make up her mind.
Big John: And it didn't look like Chamber was strongly encouraging Betsy and Ronee either.
Mike: Yea, and aren't Jubilee's eyes supposed to be blue as well?
Big John: They haven't been blue in years.
Crow: Well, according to the Handbook, they're supposed to be blue. Now, page 20.
>Help! someone get a fire extinguisher!
>Don't worry, kid -- we'll save ya! We'll --
>Say wha --?
>You definitely got some chairs missing from your dinette set ...
Crow: Ah, another page of outlines. Again the artist was behind a bit. Never you mind that last issue was a throw-in because someone missed a deadline.
>... and this kid has got a bon fire where his mouth should be!
>Something ain't right here!
> Skin: Maybe you got something wrong with your eyes, dude! when was the last time you saw an optometwist?"
Big John: Hey, this owner gets his shirt magically mended here.
Mike: Maybe he's a mutant too.
Crow: Maybe he borrowed Silkworm's powers?
>Skin: Yea, what he said!
>Minigolf owner: Whu --?
>Skin: Was it something I said?
>Voice:Biff! Get out here! What the heck: is that thing on the roof!
Mike: Page 22 now.
Mike: Hey, what can you expect from Hama?
Crow: Well, he does have Banshee using a Western US metaphor.
Big John: I think that's the first time someone has used methinks in regular conversation in over 300 years.
Mike: Gee, first Jeepers then methinks.
>Ha! Ha! Your only hope is to help me get my revenge!
>Stinky: Okay! We get the message, Bianca...!
>Let's just get out of here!
Big John: And all that smoke that we see the panel before magically vanishes in a matter of seconds too.
Mike: Nice to see the aliens are environmentally conscious. Then again, most aliens leave no traces that they've been here, except for someone who comes off sounding like a deranged lunatic.
>I didn't order any new prop to be put on the roof!
>Lumpy: You didn't, huh? Then what do you call that ugly monstrosity?
>Lumpy: Eep! It was there, I tell ya!
>Biff: You been crackin' open the balls again?
Crow: Page 23 now.
Big John: And what about when Tracy stole some stuff from the Academy?
Mike: He was probably busy raising Tracy. Or at Snow Valley's Doughnut shop.
>Someone: Whoa! Check out the accident!
>Skin?: Caramba! Clock that wild ride!
Crow: Ask something obviously dumb, get an obviously dumb response.
> Synch: That driver --it's Gaia!
Crow: Not only that, she had blonde hair back in issues #38-39.
Big John: What amazes me is how that stop sign managed to stay erect while the car hit it with enough force to break the car up.
Crow: Must be a very cheap car. Even though it's supposed to be made by Ferrari.
Big John: Hey, it's one of those "babe magnet" cars.
Crow: Isn't Gaia II too young to be driving a car anyway?
Mike: Yea, and how did get her license?
Big John: A correspondence course, maybe?
>Authier: Are you all right, Miss?
>Gaia: I don't understand it, constable --
Mike: I wouldn't buy this if it was for free.
Crow: We got it for free.
Big John: It's still overpriced.
Crow: Well, onto page 22.
Crow: And if her power was psionically based, wouldn't have M-Plate been able to turn on the amalgamator itself?
>Gaia: I can take care of this my-self, Ev.
Mike: Oh, don't start that again.
Crow: Hama's not that old yet.
Mike: He writes like he is, though. Maybe his senility is premature?
Big John: Alzheimer's!
Crow: Ever see TV Nation?
Mike: No, what does that have to do with this?
Crow: They had a story about this guy they hired to act like a psycho killer and moved into a house. They played random gunfire, had him with a backhoe and burying weird smelling 55-gallon drums in his front and back yard, and played sounds of people screaming and suffering. NOBODY called the police.
Big John: I'm glad I'm a fictional character and don't have to live in that neighborhood.
Crow: And there goes the fourth wall again...
>Jubilee: That didn't go up in a week!
>M: Not unless it was conjured up!
Big John: Some place where they can get decent writing.
Mike: So she's been to a lot of places, hmm? Travel broadens the mind, they say.
Crow: If she's so smart, why is she in Generation X?
Big John: Maybe she's got a thing for Synch.
Crow: If that was true, why didn't she make her house near the academy?
Crow: That's the definition that Marvel usually goes by. For some reason, they don't do it here.
Crow: Since now, even though for some weird reason, he got it just to lose it.
All (Simultaneously): A dark Chief Authier! Good Lord, when will it end!?
Mike: I feel sorry for Tracy then. I'd hate to have a father that could read my mind. Then they'd know who spilled the Kool-Aid when I was three.
Big John: Well, they know that now, Mike.
Mike: Oops.
>Something seems to have turned off the "sight" in all of us --
>I knew you had it since I first met you in the diner!
Big John: Lost in hormones?
Mike: Not every babe is like Ronee and Betsy there.
Big John: I wish they were.
Crow: I do too. I haven't had a relationship since Clinton was elected president.
Big John: Clinton's got all the babes. Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Gennifer Flowers, and Monica Lewinsky.
Mike: Chelsea?
Crow: Chelsea's his daughter! Let's get to the next page.
Mike: Uh, Crow... there is no June 31st....
Crow: O.k., let's assume for the moment that Chief Authier is telepathic. How would he be able to keep that a secret in a town like Snow Valley, which is supposed to be small?
>Look,. I should really file a report on that accident, but I suspect that this "car" doesn't have a VIN number and the girl doesn't exist on any data base...
Crow: I think it's supposed to be "M. Authier."
Mike: Looks like mother to me.
Big John: So what does the M stand for?
Crow: Beats me.
>Gen X people: Deal!
Crow: He's sentencing her to be in the next several issues. I know it would be torture for me.
Mike: Egads! Trapped in a terrible comic book with no way out! That's a fate worse than death!
Crow: Well, it beats getting killed and being resurrected over and over.
Big John: Or being stuck on a satellite having to endure endless amounts of bad media like this...
Big John: Well, I could show you some ways to have fun ...
Mike: I said cut that out! She's a minor.
Crow: Better enjoy that fun while you can, Gaia II. It's gonna be a long time before you have any more. Onto page 26.
Crow: She can drive without her superhuman powers.
Big John: She did a better job than Gaia II did.
> Gaia II: " I tried to make him forget, and it didn't work! I've been trying and trying and nothing happens anymore!"
Crow: I'd run away as fast as I could too.
Mike: She wasn't that nice to him a few minutes ago.
Big John: So how is that different than before the psi plane was destroyed?
Mike: Are psi powers gonna come back?
Crow: Well, in the Marvel Universe, nothing says dead for very long.
Big John: Then continuity will be back someday?
Crow: One can only hope, Big John. Page 28 next.
> Bianca: "Think you little twits can get away with trying to eighty-six me while I'm out cold, eh? I think not!"
Big John: I certainly wouldn't have told her.
Mike: Maybe the psi powers are coming back now.
Crow: So why doesn't she use them on those dwarfs?
Crow: Frankly, anything associated with Hama is hard to take.
>Maybe I should shunt her off into another dimension where the food is bad and the taxes are high.
Mike: Heck, take everyone except the Dodsons!
>I don't wanna have to smell myself like this for the rest of my life!
Crow: Stinky isn't the only thing that smells around here.
Big John: They should bring the team of Lobdell and Bachalo back.
Crow: But Lobdell left Marvel forever! His career with Marvel is dead!
Big John: But in the Marvel Universe, nothing stays dead for long, right?
Mike: Dream on, Big John.
Crow: Well, it's the last page.
Mike: THANK GOD!!!
Mike: Don't they have radar on that spaceship?
Crow: You'd think a spacefaring race would have developed radar.
>Bianca: What hit us?
Big John: Both sounds were in Albert, and she pronounced that just fine ...
Crow: Not surprised. There's a number of examples of characters losing their accents. Rogue loses her southern accent in several places.
Mike: Just what does this plotline with Elsie Dee and Albert have to do with anything?
Crow: It's a cheap sales boosting device. You'd have to buy several more issues of Generation X to find out.
Big John: They sure have stretched this Bianca plot out quite a bit. And it's still not done yet.
Mike: It's gone on longer than it should have.
Crow: The house of ideas certainly is running out of them.
>Albert: Not to worry bzzt your pretty little head, Elsie-Dee.
Mike: And Albert doesn't seem to notice it.
>That’s one less nest of roaches as far as bzzt I’m concerned!
Crow: Well, there you have it. Generation X #42.
Mike: And frankly, you can keep it.
Big John: The name’s Big John. I was Pearl’s pleasurebot until she decided to send me up here for something I did...
Mike: I've never seen such a foul cesspool that tries to pass itself off as a quality comic book. But you'll never break us, Pearl. Do you hear me!? Never!
Crow and Big John: Yeah!
Pearl (grits her teeth): Curse you, Nelson! But just you wait, I'm gonna send something even worse next time!
tigrrwildcat@hotmail.com
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