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MiST MARVEL: Generation X #57 Part 1 written by Quamp
MiST Marvel: Generation X #57, part 1
Original by Jay Faerber, MiST by Quamp.
The Dreaded Disclaimer
Songs referenced in this work are:
The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down by the Band, Fashion by David Bowie, He’s so Fine by some Motown girl group, She’s an Angel by They Might be Giants, World, Shut Your Mouth by Julian Cope, Nostalgia for an Age that Never Existed by Jello Biafra, The theme to Mighty Mouse, Bombs Away by the Police, Laughing by R.E.M., How Can you Talk to an Angel by the Heights, Soup is Good Food by the Dead Kennedys, and Dream On by Aerosmith.
(Deep INIT station. We see this wheel-shaped station on the rocky surface of Phobos from afar. Go inside to the main control room. Mike and the bots have put together a brief play in the Shakespearean tradition. Mike and Big John are dressed in garments appropriate for the time. Gypsy is nearby.)
Mike: O.k., this is your play Crow, so let’s start it.
(Enter Crow and Tom. Crow is wearing some Renaissance garments, and holds up a sword.)
Crow: O.k., this is Zounds and Forsooth, Act I, scene 1. And... action!
Gypsy: Oh, fair Crowvenhoe, thy master doth seek thee! He wanteth thee to slay the evil dragon Johnous!
Crow: Avail thee not, fair maiden, For I shall take yon blade of iron and banish the evil dragon Johnous forever!
(Crow then goes over toward Mike.)
Crow: Scene 2.
Mike: So, thou want to slay the dragon Johnous, do you?
Crow: Indeed I do, forsooth!
Mike: Well, if you want to defeat the dragon, you must have the magic talisman.
(The screen opens, and we see Pearl, Bobo, and Brain Guy in Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Nelson! Listen up!
Big John: Phew! Saved by the witch.
Pearl: I heard that, Big John! Now... what are you doing dressed like a reject from a Shakespearean play?
Mike: It was Crow’s idea. He wanted to show he could write a play.
Pearl: Crow... don’t give up your day job.
Big John: He doesn’t have a day job.
Pearl: [ignoring Big John] ANYWAY, I’ve got a special treat for you. This time out, It’s Generation X #57 by Jay Faeber et al.
Mike: What’s so special about that?
Brain Guy: It’s an anniversary issue, so it’s twice the size of the usual issues.
(Pearl hits Brain Guy’s brainpan.)
SFX: SMACK!
Brain Guy: AH!
Pearl: [To Brain Guy] I wanted to tell them that! [turns back to Mike] Well, this one was obviously rushed through the process, and it also tries to fix that hopelessly screwed up M/Penance mess you saw back in Generation X #40*...
Crow: Oh no, not that mess again!
(Bobo hands Pearl the comic book switch.)
Pearl: Well, have an insane time....
(Pearl throws the comic book switch. Lights flash, buzzer sounds, and the usual pre-door sequence chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7 Theater of Pain. Mike and the bots sit.)
Crow: I have a bad feeling about this one...
A Night to Remember
Crow: [sings] The Night/ They drove old Dixie down...
>Jubilee: No... Stop! IT HURTS!
Crow: Jubilee must be having a Hama flashback.
Big John: Don’t worry, it’ll pass...
Servo: Now if only they would have a Lobdell flashback...
>Paige, Come on! That dress is hideous! I may ralf all over it!
Crow: The dress is not the only thing that is hideous around here...
Big John: Stop it! You’re giving me Dakota North flashbacks.
Tom: [sings] Fashion/ Turn to the left/ Fashion/ Turn to the right/ Ooh, fashion!
>What, didn’t fashion make its way to Kansas?
Servo: Funny, I thought she was from Kentucky... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one...
>Husk: I’m from Kentucky.
Servo: I said it first!
>Jubilee: Same thing.
All: Not so!
Servo: Another fine product of the American education system.
>Husk: This is more work than Ah thought, Jubilee.
Servo: Uh, Paige, you’re a woman. You’re supposed to love shopping.
Crow Another stereotype shot down.
Mike: Oh, they’re just encouraging people to stay in stores longer and buy more stuff.
>I want to look just right.
Big John: Well, you can start by wearing only a -
Mike: [interrupts] Big John!
>Tristan asked me out weeks ago, but with running off to Madripoor and then reliving the Hellions last adventure, well...
Crow: This message brought to you by the clumsy plotlines of Mass.
Big John: Why couldn’t you get some decent writing, Husk?
>We just didn’t have time!
Servo: Looks like you got your answer there, Big John.
>So our first date is the big school dance.
Crow: [as Husk] And if Ah’m lucky, it’ll be our last date too!
>I just want everything to be perfect, you know?
Servo: Just hire Monet, she’s little Ms. Perfect.
Big John: That was before the M/Penance mess, Tom.
All but Big John: Don’t remind us of that!
>Jubilee: You know who I’m thinking about?
Big John Ev?
Servo: The Paladin?
Crow: Jono?
Mike: Emplate?
>Emma.
All: Damn!
>She needs a date for the dance.
Big John: [as Husk] Are you serious? Do you know how easy it is for a buxom telepath like her to find a date? Every guy’s gonna be thinking of love, and she’s going to resent it!
(Mike reaches over and strikes Big John.)
Big John: Oh baby...
Servo: [confused] Mike hits you, and then you like it?
Big John: It’s part of my S & M file. Pleasurebots aren’t exactly bought by the straight-laced, only once in awhile women who don’t enjoy experimentation in things...
Mike: *SIGH*...
>And if you ask me, I think Sean’s the right man for the job.
Crow: [as Husk] Nobody asked you, Jubes.
Mike: I thought Banshee was still in love with Moira MacTaggert.
Servo: Don’t drag that up. I don’t want to riff on how Marvel has no continuity.
>Husk: You think?
Big John: Let’s spare the readers the riff on how it helps to turn off your mind while reading these things.
>Jubilee: I sure do!
Servo: [as Jubilee] Why, just this morning I had a thought...
>Take it from me Guthrie --
Crow: [as Jubilee] Here’s a nice pole you can have.
>There’s chemistry between those two.
Big John: Much like ethandiethanianol.**
Servo: What’s that?
Big John: It’s what gives skunks their foul odor.
Crow: You know it’s funny, if you buy a chemistry set these days, it’s got chemicals that are 1000 times weaker than what most chemists use. Even acetic acid (vinegar) is 1000 times weaker than the vinegar you can buy at the store. Lawsuit paranoia really has gotten everyone down now.
>Husk: If you say so. But speaking of who needs a date... I don’t think Monet has one yet.
Big John: hey, I’ll go out with her!
Mike: I think you’d have to ask her that in person.
>Jubilee: Well, I hope she doesn’t think she’s going with Everett... because I am.
Big John: [as Synch] Jubilee’s more fun loving that Monet is! I’m more likely to score big with her!
Mike: Big John! That’s it, I’m making you search the roof for micrometeorites.
>Caption: Massachusetts academy.
>Caption: “I dunno, Jubilee.”
Servo: [as Husk or whomever said that] Do you really think purple and yellow go with each other?
Big John: Let’s not get into fashion again.
Mike: [getting disgusted] You just want to see good looking women naked.
Big John: Well, can you blame me?
Crow: I can’t.
(Mike reaches over and hits Crow.)
Crow: Ow!
>Don’t you feel a little sorry for Monet?
Mike: For being messed up by Hama, definitely...
>Caption: “Sorry? I got no sympathy for Monet.
Crow: [as Jubilee] I’ve got no feelings for that Hussy!
Mike: All right, put away the claws, guys...
>She’s gorgeous --
Mike: [before Big John can speak] Not one word out of you.
Big John: Gee Mike, you won’t let me have any fun.
Servo: How about this: Hey! That line was ripped off from the intro to Hart to Hart!
>And she could have the pick of any guy on campus.”
Crow: [as Monet] I’ve decided to base my life on Lara Croft, and not take a lover.
Big John: I’m still available, babe!
>Dude 1: Dude, check out the hottie.
Crow: She’s a Hottentot! Run for your life!
>It’s Monet St. Croix!
>Dude 2: Man, she is so fine.
Servo: [sings] She’s so fine
All but Tom: [singing background to Tom] Doo-lay-doo-lay-doo-lay
Servo: [sings] I wanna make her mine...
Big John: Doesn’t everyone? After all, these books are geared to sell to lonely teenagers.
>I was thinking of asking her to the school dance.
Crow: But unfortunately, my mom is in one of those crackpot religions that considers dancing a one-way ticket to hell!
Mike: [as a drill Sargent] Quiz time! What does sugar taste like?
>That’d be sweet.
Mike: Darn! And I thought you weren’t paying attention.
>Kozlowski: She sits behind me in chem.
Big John: [as Kozlowski] Although I’d rather she’d be sitting in my lap!
Mike: I’m not warning you again, Big John...
>I think she’s trying to work up the nerve to ask me out.
Crow: This message brought to you by the deluded fools of America. Why stay in reality when you can have fantasy?
>Dude 3: No way, Kozlowski!
>St. Croix’s been giving me the eye in Trig. I was gonna ask her.
Servo: [as this dude] Okay, so it’s the evil eye! It’s a start, isn’t it?
>Dude 4: Ssh! Shaddup! Here she comes!
Servo: [straining] Must... resist... temptation... to... do... Manfred Mann...
Crow: Fight it Tom! Fight it!
>(The guys act nonchalant as M passes by.)
Big John: [sings] But everyone was acting normal/ So I tried to look nonchalant.
Crow: [as random dude] You tell her she’s got a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
Servo: [as different random dude] No way! You tell her that!
Mike: All right, behave.
>Some dude: Well, um, maybe I’ll ask her later.
Crow: [as whomever said that] When she’s gotten rid of that garlic breath!
Servo: And is dressed better.
>Yeah. Me too.
>Banshee: Let me get this straight
Servo: [straining] Must... resist... urge... to... riff... on... Phoenix... Saga...
Crow: [also straining] Must... resist... urge... to... riff... on... Psylocke.... Revannche... plot...
Big John: [straining as well] Must... resist... urge... to... riff... on... Spider-Man:... Maximum... Clonage...
Mike: Proof positive that the House of Ideas doesn’t always have the best ones.
>I take a couple of weeks off to spend with my injured daughter --
Big John: Wait a minute! According to X-Force #91, you missed seeing Siryn!
Servo: Ah, once again, Marvel takes continuity, and throws it away...
Crow: At least he’s back there now...
>-- And while I’m gone, your sister -- our new headmistress
Big John: I’d still like her to prove that on me!
Mike: Her specialty is cutting off people’s heads!
>flips out and tries to kill the kids?
Mike: Well, if I was trapped in the Marvel Universe for too long, I‘d probably go insane too.
>And she did this all in secret?
Crow: [as the White Queen] Well, she did kill the one kid who found out...
>So none of the other students know about any of this?
Mike: [holding his head] Ah! Stop it! This is making my head spin!
Crow: Relax, Mike. I know it’s tough, trying to keep sane here...
>That sound about right, Emma?
Servo: Looks like Faeber wants to join that elite team of writers with a convoluted plotline in their belts.
Big John: They make a huge blunder, then POINT IT OUT? Give me a break!
>White Queen: Yes, Sean. The general student population is still blissfully unaware
Big John: About that little liaison I had with that dude beneath the trees naked and -
Mike: O.k., you’ve gone too far now!
(Mike duct tapes Big John’s eyes.)
Big John: Censorship sucks.
>that there are mutants in their midst.
Crow: [as the White Queen] Of course, I had to mindwipe about 50 of them first...
>Apparently, Adrienne was playing us from the start.
Mike: [as the Penguin in Batman returns] I’m gonna play this town like a violin!
Crow: Wrong comic book company, Mike.
Mike: It was an appropriate riff, though.
>Her entire role here was
Crow: To be another hot babe horny teenage guys can drool over!
(Mike reaches over and hits Crow again.)
Crow: Ow!
Big John: You make me proud, Crow.
Mike: Both of you make me disgusted.
>a ruse, in order to get close to me.
Servo: [straining] Must... resist... temptation.... to... do.... Carpenters... riff...
Big John: Fight it Tom, fight it!
>My sister used psionic powers I didn’t know she had to place the kids in an artifical environment --
Crow: A dark Adrienne Frost?
Big John: We all know Dark babes don’t last too long.
>Caption: “ -- hoping they’d die the same way my first students, the Hellions did.
Servo: Death, death, death. Marvel seems to have a rather unhealthy fixation with death here.
Crow: I agree. I say live it up.
Big John: Me too! Sex is so much better than violence!
Mike: Big John!
>She wanted to torture me by making me watch.
Mike: Adrienne never could do a pâté de foie gras right.
Crow: And then she would go and run off with some hot hunk under my nose!
Big John: You know, if Pearl really wanted to make people suffer, all she need do is project in their minds having sex with her.
>“I’m not sure how Adrienne was able to orchistrate all of this.
Servo: She hired the Boston Philharmonic!
>As usual she wasn’t very forthcoming.
Mike: Not one word out of you two.
Big John: What does it say? What does it say?
Crow: You’re better off not knowing.
>“But I’m confident she’s got a larger plan in mind.
Servo: Kinda like Forrester’s plan, hmm?
>“We haven’t seen the last of her.”
Crow: That’ll forestall complaints about her disappearance.
Servo: She must be a Starlin character. They’re always resurfacing.
>Banshee: I can’t leave you people alone for a second, can I?
Mike: [as Banshee] Just look at this mess ye made! Now clean it up immediately!
>Someone: I don’t think mine fits right.
Crow: This building is way too big! Get me a smaller one!
>Chamber: Everett, ya look fine, already. Quit yer whinin’.
Big John: [sings] World shut your mouth/ Shut your mouth/ Put your head back in the clouds/ And shut your mouth...
Servo: [as Synch] No! I’m an X-character! I must have my angst!
>Synch: All right, all right. Too bad Skin isn’t here.
Crow: [as Synch] It’s his turn to be the pretentiously angst ridden one.
>I wish he could’ve gotten a date.
Servo: Go stag! It’s much more fun!
Crow: Actually, I think it’s because this writer read one too many Marvel comics.
>I still say we should’ve just fixed him up with someone, Jono.
Crow: [as Chamber] No way! I want to keep the babes for meself!
>I’m sure that girl you’re taking has some friends who’d be interested.
Mike: [as Chamber] Well, not really...
>Chamber: Trust me, fixing him up would only tick him off more.
Crow: Are you sure of this?
>Synch: I’m just lucky I didn’t have to worry about getting a real date. Going with Jubilee makes the whole thing a lot easier.
Servo: So, you’re one of those love-them-then-leave-them types, hmm? Shame on you!!
Big John: I’ll say. Getting a babe to bang you once is nice, but getting her over and over...
Mike: Big John!
>Chamber: Does Jubilee know this isn’t a real date?
Servo: [as Synch] Ah, who cares. It’ll give her something to angst over when it’s her turn to be pretentiously angst-ridden.
>Synch: What do you mean? I don’t get it.
Crow: Let’s not riff on those convoluted plotlines again...
Big John: Keep that attitude up and you’ll never get any, dude.
Mike: Big John! That’s it, you’re cleaning out the sanflac recyclers.
>Chamber: That’s what I’m afraid of.
>Forget it. Doesn’t matter.
Servo: That is, until Jubilee starts playing Lorena Bobbitt...
>So, you notice ol’ Tristan isn’t here, renting a tux?
Crow: [as Tristan] I wouldn’t set foot in that shop if you paid me! Their clothing always so tacky, and the prices are astronomical!
>That’s ‘cause he’s so rich he owns one.
Servo: So that’s why Husk agreed to date him.
Big John: Hey, women can sense a guy with money. It’s part of the second X chromosome.
>If I’d known Paige was that shallow when we were datin’,
Servo: Uh, excuse me, where and when were Chamber and Husk dating?
Mike: Oh, that was awhile back, remember that storyline we got about them going to rescue some girl from an encampment? You know, which had Shadowcat and Colossus as their headmasters....
Crow: Uh, Mike, that was an alternate reality.
Mike: This is too confusing for me.
>I’d have started throwing more money around.
Crow: Because it’s so amusing to watch her pick all that money off the floor up when she’s wearing those short skirts...
(Mike reaches over and strikes Crow again.)
Crow: Ow!
Mike: (To Big John) That’s it! You’ve corrupted him too much, Big John! There are sensitive ears around here, you know!
Big John: He was like that before I met him.
Crow: He’s right, you know. Besides, Servo doesn’t have impressionable ears.
Servo: Must be talking about Camerabot.
Mike: *SIGH*... work with me, guys. I don’t want to loose comics code approval.
>Synch: Hey, I got an idea for a fun game we can play.
Servo: Marbles?
Crow: Trivial Pursuit?
Big John: Hide the -
Mike: [Interrupts] Big John!
>How about we try and make it one day without mentioning the name “Tristan.”
Crow: Hmm... nah, it sounds kinda lame to me.
>Chamber: Okay. We’ll call him “rat boy” instead.
Crow: How about Faeber flunky instead?
Servo: I'd prefer Mary Sue.
>Caption: The boys dormitory. The Massachusetts academy. The room of Angelo Espinosa, a.k.a. Skin.
Tom: Gee, sentence fragments again.
Crow: I hate short sentences in a row. It gives the work a choppy feel. Don’t you agree?
>Skin: Y’know, back before my mutant powers kicked in, I was kinda good-looking. I wasn’t no Ricky Martin
Crow: Eugh! Ricky Martin is a Mexican Backstreet Boy.
Big John: Menudo?
Servo: Way to reveal your age, Big John.
>but I did okay. You never saw Torres but she’s fine.
Servo: Sure we did! She was in issue 29!
Crow: And isn’t that a picture of her right behind them?
Big John: I still think they get their minds completely wiped when a new creative team takes over.
Mike: And look, you just had to mention yellow and purple, didn’t you Servo?
Servo: Sure, blame me just because I saw something come from a mile away.
>Now, I can’t go out in public without bein’ the center of attention. And not in a good way, either.
Crow: Then you shouldn’t have tried out for Menudo!
Servo: Why doesn’t he get one of those nifty image inducers like the White Queen gave Artie and Leech?
>I know it’s wrong to objectify women, but just once I’d like to walk in a room with a hot little chica on my arm --
Crow: You were right, Big John. This is geared towards horny adolescents.
> -- and have everyone lookin’ at me for a reason other than my looks, y’know?
Servo: He’s been spending too much time with Jubilee.
Crow: Well, he’s supposed to be from the barrios of east L.A., Tom.
Big John: So what does a Hispanic person from California say? “Like, fer sure, hombre?”
>Aw, lissen to me.
Crow: As if we had a choice in the matter.
>I’ve been hangin’ around Jono too long, I think.
Servo: No you haven’t. If you had, you’d be going “Scarpers chica!” or something like that.
>His bad attitude is startin’ to rub off on me.
Crow: Well, a little soap and water will take care of that...
>I don’t me to be paintin’ such a bleak picture for you, guys.
Crow: Come on, you an X-Character! It’s your turn to be pretentiously angst ridden this issue!
>‘Cause all the while green and pink are nice colors and all, you’re gonna be goin’ through exactly what I am.
Servo: A lame Lobdell creation that’s nothing more than a stereotype?
Crow: So what kind of stereotype could they have for a green person?
>But thanks for listenin’ ya little punks.
Mike: [as Skin] I’ve had my angst ridden moment, now scram!
>Artie: Leech and Artie happy to listen to Skin whine.
Mike: Uh, Guys, didn’t you say Artie couldn’t talk?
Crow: Sure did.
Big John: Doesn’t surprise me.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike and the bots stand around the place. Big John now has the tape removed from his optical sensors.)
Mike: You know, we should hold a dance of our own, guys. We can have punch, play some tunes, and the like.
Servo: a splendid idea, Mike.
Crow: Tom, will you go with me to the dance?
Servo: I most certainly would, Crow.
Big John: Good idea. Hey Gypsy, want to go to the dance with me?
Gypsy: Well... okay.
Mike: Great, then let’s get all set here...
(The commercial light comes on.)
Mike: Ah, we’ve got commercial light...
(Commercials. More brainwashing to cram things down your throat that you don’t really need. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike and the bots stand around.)
Mike: O.k., we’re going to need to get organized here. We’re going to have to make some assignments. So, who wants to do the refreshments?
Gypsy: I’ll do that.
Servo: And I’ll do the decorations with Crow.
Mike: That’s great, and -
(The comic book light comes on, the buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6. Theater of Pain. Mike and the bots sit.)
>Caption: The Danger room. Equal parts fun house, obstacle course and live action theater.
Crow: Uhm... you forgot the part about the danger...
Mike: What’s with this weird lettering?
>Husk: These vines are everywhere!
Servo: That’s what you get for not mowing the lawn, Husk.
Big John: [as Husk] But Ah was fightin’ criminals and studyin’! Who had time to mow the lawn?
>Jubilee: That’s the idea, Husk. This is Krakoa, baby! The island that thinks like a man!
Mike: You know, the more I see of Krakoa, the more I’m convinced he’s gotten lamer over the years.
Crow: Pretty much every villain has, Mike. Except maybe Zeitgeist.
Big John: That’s because when he was introduced, he was the very lame Every-man.
>A couple of years ago, it managed to capture the original X-Men!
Crow: It used an angst attractor! The X-Men were powerless in its grasp!
>That’s what lead Xavier to round up new members like my bud Wolverine.
Crow: Nice of them to reference a major selling point in Marveldom.
Tom: It’s just their shot at having people remember when Marvel was good.
Big John: [sings] Nostalgia for an age that never existed...
>Only this time --
Crow: [as Jubilee] We’ve got bad writing and unbelievable plot twists!
Mike: Are you sure there was a time when Marvel comics were good?
Big John: That was a LONG time ago.
>Chamber: -- We have to save the X-Men. We were all there for the briefing, Jubilee.
Servo: [as Chamber] We didn’t change creative teams, so you have no excuse for forgetting!
>Husk: These vines have me tied up!
Crow: Thank you, Ms. Stating-the-Obvious woman.
Big John: Oh, so you’re into that kind of thing, hmm?
Mike: Not quite.
>I can’t husk into a more powerful body!
Mike: Maybe it’s just me, but I think Husk has one of the most disgusting powers in the Marvel universe.
>Chamber: Hang tight, gel, we’re coming!
Servo: [sings] Here I come to save the day!
Mike: Too late for that, Tom.
>I can shred these things pretty easily with my bio-blasts.
Mike: And the greenhouse effect goes up again...
>Synch: Bombs away!
Crow: He’s throwing copies of Generation X when Hama wrote it?
Servo: He’s throwing copies of Excalibur when Raab wrote it?
Mike: Maybe he’s throwing copies of the movies we’ve seen over the years at the SOL and here.
Big John: [sings] Bombs away/ But we’re okay/ Bombs away/ In old Bombay...
>Skin: Carumba!
Mike: Isn’t that a kind of wax that people put on their cars?
Servo: That’s Carnuba wax, Mike.
>Husk is right!
Servo: She’s too your left, Skin!
>These things are everywhere!
>Jubilee: Just keep moving, Skin.
Servo: [sings] Keep on movin’/ Toolin’ down that lonesome highway...
>If you move fast enough they can’t get --
> -- you.
Mike: Hands up those of you who didn’t see this one coming.
Crow: That’s the problem with Marvel comics. They’re either way too predictable or so confusing that they can’t be understood by the best of people.
>Skin: Hey, Jubilecita, did this ever happen when you were with the X-Men?
>Jubilee: Shut
>up.
Mike: Is it just me or does this look like filler to you?
Crow: This whole comic must be 48 pages of filler.
Servo: Well, they have to have some action to keep things going, so that’s all the action we’re getting for this issue.
Big John: I’d rather see the other kind of action!
>M: This is unacceptable!
All: You can say that again!
Crow: [as M] Go back and get us some decent writing for once!
>I refuse To be beaten by something you find in your garden!
Servo: Perhaps she shouldn’t see The Beginning of the End.
Crow: Don't remind me of that one.
Mike & Big John: Huh?
Servo: Before your time, guys...
>ARGH!
Servo: [as M] No! Not another Hama flashback!
>Synch: Monet! Monet, relax, it’s over!
Crow: {as Synch] All this bad dialogue has sent our series into the toilet! We’re going to be cancelled!
Tom: Uh, we already were cancelled.
Mike: Way to break the fourth wall, Tom.
>Banshee: Ye got that right, Everett.
Mike: Now if only we can get a clue for the writers...
>And if this had been real, ye’d have failed in your mission to rescue the X-Men.
Crow: You know, it’s getting so that Generation X can’t defeat a guy with no arms or legs who is armed only with a box of wet tissues.
Servo: It’s Bob Harras. He doesn’t like Generation X, and so he’s doing everything he can to get it cancelled.
>Voice: Geez, remind me never to call you guys when I need to be rescued.
Servo: Well, we’re not too sure we want to rescue you, Iceman.
Crow: Ooh... special guest star. And it’s the lamest of the original X-Men too!
>What are they teaching you kids at this school, anyway?
Crow: Something called classes.
Servo: Then again, judging by that last time we saw them in class, it’s a wonder they learn anything.
Big John: It’s the American education system in a nutshell.
>Very funny, lad.
Crow: You’re a regular Carrot Top.
Mike: Carrot Top’s not funny.
Crow: My point exactly.
>I guess I can --
Tom: Stop this mess now and throw the script away?
Mike: I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
> -- deactivate the Krakoa environment.
Servo: Good thing too. All this heat and humidity is getting to me.
>Jubilee: Whoa, Iceman’s real!
All: He’s a comic book character just like you!
>I thought you were just a hologram, just like the rest of this stuff.
Crow: Is it live, or is it Memorex?
Big John: With Iceman, it’s hard to tell if it’s anything...
>Iceman: No ma’am. I’m live and in the -- er -- flesh.
Crow: You could have saved a lot of money and used a cardboard cutout. Nobody would have noticed the difference.
>Jubilee: So what are you doing here, Drake?
Mike: [as Jubilee] Bringing in a lame-o like you is sure to make sales take a dive!
>Iceman: Sean asked me to drop by and give a guest lecture.
>I hear it’s the thing to do these days.
Crow: [as Iceman] But if I catch you talking to each other telepathically like you did when Colossus guest starred, I’m sending you straight to the Hama dialogue bin!
Mike: Good lord, that’s inhuman.
>Husk: Wow.
Servo: [as Husk] As someone from spot-in-the-road Kentucky, Ah’m so impressed by the most boring of things!
>So will you be teaching a class on cryogenics --
>or perhaps weather manipulation, sir?
Servo: Weather manipulation is Storm’s department, Husk. I’m teaching you on how to make a cool snowcone on a hot summer day!
All others: Ooh...
>Iceman: Er... no... I’m a CPA.
>I’m here to teach an d accounting class.
Servo: Oh my God he’s a geek run for your life!
Crow: That just killed your chances of getting a date with the White Queen, dude.
>White Queen : All right, every-body. That’s enough for one day. Go and shower.
Big John: [hick accent] Ooh-we! Y’all stink worse than a new cowpie on a hot summer day!
>Jubilee: Um... well...
Servo: [as Jubilee] We want to know if we’re ever going to win against someone for once...
>We were wondering, have you asked Emma to the dance yet?
Big John: [as Banshee] Nae, I’m taking Moira wi’ me, Jubilation.
>Banshee: Hmm? Hunh, well...
Servo: [as Banshee] Help me I can’t stop talking in monosyllabic words!
>White Queen: That’s enough!
Servo: She’s stopping this horrible story?
Mike: I wouldn’t get my hopes up...
>I already have a date!
Servo: [as the White Queen] And believe me, the escort agency made me pay through the nose because I’m a mutant!
>Jubilee: Ruh -- really? Who?
Big John: [as the White Queen] I want it to be a surprise! You’ll just have to wait.
>Queen: Him. >Iceman: Me?!
All: You’re willing to date a CPA?!
Crow: She’s lost it. First she was playing videogames now she’s going out with a total geek. This is definitely going to get her thrown out of the hot babes guild.
>Awww yeah.
Big John: [as Iceman] I’ve got a chance to score with a total babe! Someone help me so I don’t screw it up!
Mike: Big John!
>The basement of the girls dormitory which doubles as
Big John: A place where horny -
Mike: [interrupts] Don’t even think of finishing that.
>the bedroom of one of the academy’s most... special students.
Crow: [as the Church Lady] Well, isn’t that special.
>M: What’s Penance doing?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] Looks like she’s tearin’ up the place.
Serbo: Oh, poor Hello Kitty! As if being depicted as being drunk wasn’t enough, they have to tear her into shreds here too!
Crow: Faerber must be a Pokémon fan.
>I’ve never seen her this agitated.
Big John: But we sure have, way back in issue #2!
Crow: That was almost 5 years ago, Big John. With all the staff changes, it’s a wonder they can even remember their own names.
>Well, one need not be a brain surgeon, I suppose.
Big John: [straining] Must... resist... urge... to... do... thinking... riff....
Crow: Fight it, Big John, fight it!
Servo: They sure have been harping on that this issue. Another clear sign the writer is running out of ideas!
>I spent too long in that razor sharp, mute body.
Servo: Considering all the vanity and whining you do all the time, I’d say it wasn’t long enough.
>and now it’s a prison to my little sisters.
Crow: That’s taking sibling rivalry a bit too far now.
>.I suppose it was only a matter of time before their frustration overwhelmed them.
Big John: You want frustrating? Try being stuck on a moon of Mars having to endure endless amounts of bad movies, books, comic books, fan fiction and other media with no way out and no hot babes!
Mike: Then there’s the creature from the black libido here....
>What should I say?
Servo: Something decent, for once...
Crow: I doubt that’s going to happen...
> ->Sigh<-
Crow: Lock...
Servo: Wrong writers, Crow...
Crow: Kinda hard to tell them apart....
Mike: I wonder what she thinks could save this script?
>Probably nothing, actually.
Servo: Looks like you got your answer.
>I doubt it would do much good for them to see me all dressed up and ready to go to a formal dance.
Big John: Oh, so now it’s Monet’s turn to angst endlessly.
Mike: Oh look, her bracelet magically vanished.
>Proudstar Hall, later that same evening.
Mike: They named a place after Warpath?
Crow: Actually, it’s named after his older brother, Thunderbird. You know, the one who died but they keep bringing back even though he’s supposed to stay dead.
Mike: Uh... that pretty much sums up half of Marvel’s characters, Crow....
>Tristan: Paige, you look divine.
Servo: [sings] How can you talk/ To an angel?
Big John: Please, spare us that song...
>Husk: You think?
All: [straining] Must... resist... urge... to... do... thinking... riff...
Servo: If they keep harping on that, we may burst!
>This is one of the fanciest dress I ever owned.
Mike: Shouldn’t that be dresses?
All but Mike: Yes.
>Momma would flip if she saw how much it cost.
Servo: [as mother Gutherie] You spent HOW much on that bad dress?
Crow: [as Husk] But mama, it was one of those “if-you-have-to-ask-you-can’t-afford” kind of things...
>Jubilee: Check it out, check it out! This is gonna be great!
Servo: Given that Pearl sent this to us, I kinda doubt it....
>Synch: You squeeze my arm any harder, it’s gonna fall off, Jubes.
Crow: S&M?
(Mike reaches over and strikes Crow.)
Crow: Ow!
>Chamber’s thoughts: Sigh. Why do I get the feelin’ that what this gel finds most attractive is that I can’t give her any lip --
Crow: [as Chamber] Because me mutant power blew me lips off!
Big John: Ooh, Goth babe. Must be Bianca LaNiege’s little sister.
All but Big John: Don’t remind us of her!
>-- at least, not without givin’ away the fact that I’m not really mute. I can “talk” fine, telepathically.
Big John: [as Chamber] But telepathy is soooooo out of fashion these days.
>Husk: Tristan, look!
Crow: [as Husk] There’s some hussy wearing the same dress I am! Now I can’t show my face in public ever again!
>Tristan: Whoa!
Big John: [as Tristan as Bela Lugosi in “Ed Wood”] Will you look at the jugs on that woman!
Mike: Big John!
>Chamber’s thoughts: Well, what’dy know...
Crow: I’ve been here for less that a minute and I’ve already managed to loose my date!
>Synch: Heh. Folks, the party can start now --
Servo: Oh, it’s so nice of you to finally give permission for that, Ev.
>The chairman of the board has arrived!
All: Don’t remind us of that movie!
Big John: [hick accent] Wheew-doggie! If it ain’t Ross Perot’s evil twin brother!
Crow: I thought it was J. R. Ewing’s evil twin brother.
Servo: [announcer voice] And the winner for worst dressed in this comic book is... Skin!
>Voice: That’s that Espinosa dude!
Mike: Who said that?
Crow: Does anyone really care?
Servo: It’s the voice that appeared out of nowhere!
>Another (?) Voice: And he’s with Monet St. Croix!
Mike: Have you noticed how much Monet looks like the Dragon Lady in this one?
Crow: I can’t get past Skin’s hideously bad outfit.
>Different (?) voice: That lucky --
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: You really like to take the good ones away, don’t you?
Mike: We’re already flirting with an R rating thanks to you.
>Still another (?) voice: Man, what I wouldn’t give --
All: [as the speaker of that line] To get out of this bad comic book!
>Banshee: Heh. Ye see that, Tom? The boy sure knows how ta make an entrance. I’ll give him that much.
Crow: [as Banshee] Now if only we can get him out of here...
>Corsi: I was watching Emma and Bobby --
Servo: Because they look more likely to fight.
>Caption: “ -- She’s actually laughing. Can you believe that?”
Big John: [sings] Lighten/ Lighten/ Laughing/ with you...
Crow: She saw this piece of spinach stuck in Bobby’s teeth.
Mike: Hey, have you seen any decent writing in Marvel?
>Corsi: I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before.
Crow: Looks like you got your answer.
>Banshee: She and Bobby have a bit of a ... history.
Crow: And there’s another plotline that’s convoluted and dumb.
>Don’t ask me ta explain it.
Servo: [as Banshee] After all, we’ve only got so many pages here...
>Corsi: Does it bother you?
Servo: [as Banshee] Aye, this suit is bloody uncomfortable....
>Didn’t you and Emma have a “thing” going?
Crow: [as Banshee] Nae, lad. I’m only inta hot babes whose first names start with the letter M, like Maeve and Moira.
>Banshee: Me and Emma> Bah -- don’t be ridiculous.
Servo: This is Marvel comics. No matter what you do, it’s ridiculous.
Crow: And Bah? Now Banshee’s turning “dark?”
Mike: Let’s not get into that.
>Tristan: -- Grandfather says we can go horseback riding one day soon.
Servo: [as a Native American] The Grandfather is wise, my friend.
>You’ll love Vermont in the fall.
Mike: Well, only if it’s falling on top of you.
>Banshee: -- Good for the kids.
Big John: [sings] Soup is good food/ You made a great meal/ So how does it feel/ to be out on your @$$,/ and thrown away like a piece of trash?
>With that nonsense in Madripoor, and then the horror Adrienne put them through.
Crow: [as Banshee] Then there was the horror of having Hama write them...
>Corsi: I think this is good for you, too, Sean.
Servo: [as Corsi] Yea, all this bad dialogue will certainly toughen up your skin, and make you a man, wimp!
>Might take your mind off Theresa.
All: Don’t remind us of X-Force #91!
>Synch: -- your first date going?
Crow: Wait a minute here. Jono was shown to have had a girlfriend before he came to Generation X back in issues #12-14.
Mike: And didn’t he say that he had been dating Husk earlier?
Servo: Ah, once again Marvel blows it.
>Chamber: If you love me, Everett, you’ll kill me now.
Mike: Because I want to show my date how I can get resurrected again!
>Jubilee: -- seen the Mark of Zorro too many times, Espinosa!
Crow: [as Skin] Heal, chica! Be cured of your disease!
Big John: I thought he was doing a Benny Hill impersonation with her…
Servo: [as Synch] Look at this. I was on a date with Jubilee, and she’s letting him touch her. But would she let me? Noooo..... Maybe I should start flirting with Monet....
>Skin: Like the man said, Jubecita, “anything worth doing is worth overdoing.”
Big John: So that explains why the Commission fan fics are so bad... they overdo it every time...
>Anyone can wear a tux...
Crow: [as Skin] But since I’m not really anyone, I can’t...
> ... it takes a vato with brass ones to wear this.
Crow: Or just no fashion sense.
>Synch: Hey... do you...
Crow: Know... how... to... talk... without... ellipses... in... between... your... words?
> ... do you see that?!
Big John: [as Synch] Ha! made you look!
>Synch’s thoughts: Emma! You listening? Emplate is in the house!
Crow: [as a telephone recording] We’re sorry, but all circuits are busy now. If you would like to try again, please hang up and try again later. This is a recording.
Big John: [as Emplate] Darn! I didn’t want to get caught dead in an issue of Generation X! My desire is ruined!
Servo: All right! We’ve got a halfway decent villain this issue!
Crow: I don’t know, after Hama used him in that Universal Amalgamator plotline...
>Queen: One moment, Everett. I’m going to telepathically link with the others.
Crow: Hey! That’s an askew rip-off of me!
>Everybody,
Servo: [straining] Must... resist... urge... to... do... Backstreet... Boys... riff....
Crow: Fight it, Tom! Fight it!
>Emplate’s here! Somehow, I can see him!
Big John: [as the White Queen] Now maybe we can get a halfway decent fight here!
Servo: Oh boy! Cool villain wasting time!
>Psi balloon: Must have something to do with my synchronistic aura.
Big John: Since when did the White Queen have a synchronistic aura?
Mike: That would make her a Gray Queen, right?
Crow: Mike, Mike, Mike... you just can’t rationalize the things Marvel does. They have some weird logic that only they understand.
>All right, children,
Mike: Behave yourselves!
Big John: Yes, Cotten Mather.
>I think it’s time we need a diversion.
Crow: [as the White Queen] The lack of a plotline has dragged this story to a screeching halt! We need some cheap hero-fights-hero fighting to keep readers interested!
Servo: Hey Skin, Chamber arraigned it so that Hama will be writing the next issue! What do you think of that?
>Skin (tackling Chamber): You lousy --!
Mike: Now look what you did, Servo.
Crow: [as Rodney King] Can’t we all just get along?
>Dude: Whoa, fight!
Big John: Place your bets now! Odds are 3-1 against Chamber!
>Psi Balloon: Now, Jubilee, while the others are distracted,
Mike: [giving Big John the evil eye] Don’t even think of trying this one.
(Big John puts his fingers to his temples, and concentrates.)
Mike: I said don’t even think about it!
>Use your fireworks to activate the sprinklers.
>Psi Balloon: (Pointing at Jubilee) I know Emma. I know...
Servo: What you did last summer!
>Dude: Fire!
All: This writer and editor!
>Second Dude: All right!
Crow: He’s having to flee in terror, and he thinks it’s all right?
>Dudette: --Dress will be ruined!
Servo: [as the dudette] And I can’t get a refund on it either!
>Third dude: -- Bank to my room. It’s quieter there.
Big John: [as the third dude] And then we can -
Mike: Stop right there!
Big John: Spoilsport.
>Corsi: Everybody, just relax.
Servo: [sings] Relax/ Don’t do it/ When you want to sucker to it....
Big John: [as random dude] What? St. Croix is still in there! I want to rescue that babe and then she’ll be so grateful -
Mike: [interrupts] Do you want me to tape up your optical sensors again?
Big John: Come on, Mike.
Mike: We’re already flirting with an R rating as is. I don’t want it to go to NC-17!
Crow: Oh, way to break the fourth wall, Mike.
Mike: Well, if some people around here would learn a little self-control...
>It’s probably a false alarm. Let’s head to the student center.
Crow: [as Corsi] And there I’ll assign each and every one of you more homework!
>Psi Balloon: Emma, it’s Tom. I’ve got everyone secured outside.
Mike: since when was Tom Corsi telepathic? Just a few issues ago*** they told us he didn’t have any superpowers...
Servo: If they keep this up, most of the Marvel Universe is going to end up dark!
>Emplate: Okay, so you found me.
All: Tag! You’re it!
>What are you going to do about it?
Mike: This doesn’t sound like Emplate. Doesn’t he usually travel with other mutants, like DOA?
Tom: Usually... but since it’s a new writer, all continuity goes out the window...
>Iceman: I’m gonna get Frosty on your --
Mike: Emma, psi blast him!
>Queen: Drake, NO!
Crow: [as the White Queen] I don’t want to ruin this dress!
>Emplate can --
>Emplate: -- feed on a mutant’s genetic material? Is that what you were going to say, Emma?
>Iceman: AARGH!
Mike: I’ve heard of eating with your hands, but that’s kinda sick...
Crow: And once again, Iceman means “Bumbling idiot designed to make everyone else look better.”
Servo: Crow, that’s Cyclops you’re thinking about.
Crow: People do it to both of ‘em.
Big John: I suppose Angel’s next, hmm?
>M: Leave this to me!
Crow: Powdered Toast Woman!
>Husk: It’s only fair. He is your brother.
Crow: [as M] Don’t remind me of that.
Servo: [as Husk] Just let me slip into a more comfortable skin here...
Mike: [as Banshee] Don’t forget t’pick up yuir skin, lassie!
>You keep him busy so I can husk into something more.... appropriate.
Mike: Maybe it’s just me, but that power of hers is really disgusting...
>M: Let him go, Marius!
Big John: He doesn’t swing that way!
Mike: Big John!
>Emplate: Marius is -- Ugh --
> -- dead.
Mike: But that’s okay, because he’s gotten resurrected.
>Only Emplate is left!
>Skin: Carumba!
Servo: La Escuela de Dan Quayle strikes again...
>Synch: He’s using the powers he got when he attacked Iceman!
Crow: [emotionally, as Synch] Now this suit is ruined and I can’t get the deposit back either!
>Chamber: I’ll blast them free.
>Queen: Are you all right?
Big John: [as Iceman] It’s nothing a kiss from a hot blonde babe like yourself couldn’t fix.
>Iceman: Aw, see? I knew you cared.
Servo: [sings] Dream on/ Dream on/ Dream on/ AH!!
>Synch: Let me synch up with Emplate!
Crow: Apparently, Synch forgot what happened last time he did that.
Servo: Different creative team, Crow.
>Maybe I could use his own powers against him!
Crow: So you want to eat with your hands too? Yeech.
>Banshee: No, lad. It’s too dangerous.
Mike: [as Banshee] He somehow turned my hair a light brown color! Who knows what he’ll do to you?
>You may not be able to handle That kind of power.
Big John: And a hole in the plot has been loosely covered.
>Emplate: So... who wants to be next on the menu?
Crow: [gestures to Servo] Take him. I’m full of fat and cholesterol.
Servo: No no, take Crow. I was rejected by the USDA
Mike: O.k., Let’s stop this one now.
>M: Everyone, this is not like Marius.
All: Oh no! It’s the evil twin plot!
>He’s never been this agressive. He usually tries to avoid physical confrontation.
Crow: But he’s a psychopath! How can you tell?
Big John: I tell you what, if I was trapped in the Marvel universe, I’d probably go crazy too.
>And he looks...
Servo: Like some reject from a bad ‘50’s sci-fi movie?
>ill.... weak...
Crow: I told him he shouldn’t have gone hunting for decent writing! It wore him out, and he couldn’t find any!
>Skin: Let’s not forget that he has attacked the school in the past.
Big John: So you can’t remember his last few attacks, you can remember it... well, which IS it?
Mike: Since when was Skin telepathic?
Bots: Since now.
Servo: Seems like everyone’s becoming a telepath in this issue. So far, only Banshee hasn’t...
>Chamber: Yea... when he wanted to kidnap Penance.
Big John: If you had to kidnap a babe to get her attention, that should tell you something about yourself.
Crow: Well, Emplate isn’t exactly a Mel Gibson...
>Banshee: That’s it. Jono.
All but Servo: You just had to say that, didn’t you?
Servo: Don’t blame me just because I saw something coming from a mile away.
>This is all a diversion. We need to split up!
Crow: So we’re undergoing mitosis and dividing ourselves into pairs!
(The doors open, and Mike and the bots exit the theater. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike and the bots are preparing the place for a dance. The bots talk in an aside.)
Big John: Guys, I’m worried. Mike doesn’t have a date for this dance!
Crow: Yea, so what can we do?
Big John: I saw a bunch of parts in the robot pool. I think we might be able to build him one.
Servo: I dunno... remember what happened last time we built him a companion?
(Enter Mike.)
Mike: So, how’s preparations coming, Guys?
Servo: Oh, uh, just fine, Mike.
(The commercial light comes on.)
Crow: Uh-oh. We’ve got commercial light...
(Commercials. More stuff crammed down your throat that you don’t need just so some exec on Madison Ave. can afford his new Porsche.)
*Coming soon!
** I’m pretty sure I spelled this word wrong. If you know the correct spelling e-mail me, won’t you?
*** See the MiST of Generation X #49 by Amythyst...
