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THE NEW STAFF written by Quamp Front cover. We see Banshee and the White Queen engaged in battle with Melbor and Mr. Crash. Captain Ultra flies into the scene.) Cap (N): Showdown! (Inside front cover. We see the usual blurbs for Banshee, The White Queen, Jubilee, Synch, Gaia, Chamber, and Zero G. Below that, we see these blurbs:) Melbor: Telepathic mutant who is out to hide from the people perusing her. Mr. Crash: The brother of Melbor, Mr. Crash is superhumanly strong and very resistant to all forms of attack. Captain Ultra: Former plumber Griffin Gogol had his human potential unlocked by an alien psychologist. He’s the superhero that can do anything better than you can! (Page 1, panel 1. Generation X headquarters , Snow Valley, Mass. We see Banshee and the White Queen walking down a pathway to the main house.) Cap (N1): Xavier’s School for gifted youngsters, Snow Valley, Mass. Cap (N2): And the main teachers of this school are Banshee and the White Queen... Cap (N3): For now. (Panel 2. They walk as they go along.) Banshee: I’ve scheduled a test next Friday in Shi’Ar geography. I hope the lads and lassies are ready for it. Queen: Well, I’ll move the post-quantum mechanical theory test to the following Tuesday. (Panel 3. The White Queen stops.) Queen: I sense another telepath in the area - someone I’ve never sensed before. (Panel 4. Go over to the bushes where we see Melbor and Mr. Crash there, trying not to be seen.) Mr. Crash (quietly): Mel... she senses you. Melbor (quietly): Ssssh! (Panel 5. The White Queen goes over to the bushes.) Queen: I know you’re there, come on out!! Mr. Crash: We’re gonna have to fight our way out of this one. (Page 2, splash page. Leave room for credits here. We see Mr. Crash attack the White Queen, tackling her. Meanwhile, Melbor attacks Banshee.) Cap (N): It’s not what they expected. Queen: What the-- !? Banshee: Crikey O’Riley! (Page 3, panel 1. Mr. Crash knocks the White Queen to the ground as Melbor psi-blasts Banshee.) SFX: WHAM!!! Queen: UHN!! Banshee: ARGH!! (Panel 2. Banshee falls as Mr. Bash strikes the White Queen’s head, causing blood to come from her mouth and stars of pain to show.) SFX: POW!!! Queen: ERK! (Panel 3. Mr. Crash stands as we see the White Queen down, and bleeding.) Mr. Crash: What do we do with them? Melbor: I have an idea that will give us a place to hide There’s a nearby stream - dump her there. (Panel 4. Mr. Crash takes the White Queen off.) Melbor: As for you, Mr. Cassidy, it’s showtime.... (Page 4, panel 1. Go back to the Generation X students. We see them in a living room setting, studying some books.) Jubilee: Man, how can Ms. Frost expect us to understand all of this? Synch: Be quiet, Jubes! I’m trying to study here! (Panel 2. Enter Banshee, noticeably being mind controlled by Melbor, who is behind him.) Banshee: Lads, there’s been an emergency. Synch: What’s wrong, Mr. Cassidy? (Panel 3. Banshee continues to be zapped.) Banshee: Got ta return t’ the mansion... I’m leaving you lads in the care of your new teacher, Melbor... Jubilee: Ohmigawd! Like, we should go with you! (Panel 4. Melbor thinks quickly.) Banshee: Nae, lassie... we’ve been neglecting yer education of late... ye got t’stay here and learn. Melbor: You heard the man, return to your studies, I’ll be back soon. (Panel 5. Exit Melbor and Banshee.) Synch: Something here isn’t right. Gaia: I don’t need telepathy to see that she was mind controlling him. Jubilee: So, like, what do we do? (Page 5, panel 1. Synch is pragmatic.) Synch: We wait - and see. (Panel 2. A swift moving stream near the school. We see Mr. Crash dump the White Queen into the stream.) Cap (N): Meanwhile... SFX: SPLASH!! (Panel 3. Mr. Bash turns away from the White Queen.) Bash: One down, one to go... (Panel 4. Enter Melbor, with Banshee still in her mind control.) Melbor: Jump into the stream. (Panel 5. Banshee jumps headfirst into the stream, hitting his head on the stony bottom.) SFX: WHACK-Sploosh! Melbor: Now, we’ve got a group of students that will do our bidding waiting to make us rich. (Page 6, panel 1. We see Captain Ultra flying over the Mass. countryside.) Cap (N1): Interlude. Cap (N2): His name is Griffin Gogol. Cap (N3): If you’ve ever seen him before, Cap (N4): Then you’re one of the biggest Marvel Zombies in the world. Cap (N5): For the other 99.99999999999999999etc .% of you, click on this. (Panel 2. Captain Ultra races across the countryside.) Cap (CU1): Got to make it to my next gig. Cap (CU2): They’re making me open up for Carrot Top. Cap (CU3): I know I can steal the show. Cap (CU4): After all, he’s as funny as his web site is. (Panel 3. Captain Ultra spots the White Queen slowly going down the stream, getting caught here and there on the bottom.) Cap (CU1): Trouble!! Cap (CU2): I’d better go investigate! (Panel 4. Captain Ultra flies down, and picks up the White Queen from the stream.) Cap (CU1): She’s alive, barely. Cap (CU2): But she’s not breathing. (Panel 5. Captain Ultra lands, having turned the White Queen over so that water would flow out of her lungs.) Cap (CU1): Good thing I know mouth-to-mouth. Cap (N2): And what a mouth, I might add. (Page 7, panel 1. Captain Ultra sets the White Queen down.) Cap (CU1): Well, here goes.... (Panel 2. Captain Ultra gives the White Queen mouth-to-mouth.) Cap (CU): Come on, breathe! (Panel 3. Captain Ultra continues to give the White Queen mouth-to-mouth.) Cap (CU): You can do it, breathe! (Panel 4. Again Captain Ultra continues to give mouth-to-mouth to the White Queen.) Cap (CU): BREATHE!! (Page 8, panel 1. Suddenly the White Queen strikes Captain Ultra in a very private place. Stars abound around CU.) SFX: WHOK!! Captain U.: UHN!! (Panel 2. Captain Ultra doubles over in pain as the White Queen stands.) Queen (1): DON'T Queen (2): EVER Queen (3): DO Queen (4): THAT Queen (5): TO Queen (6): ME!! (Panel 3. The White Queen grabs Captain Ultra.) Queen: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t tear your little perverted heart out right now, mister!!!! Ultra: You... weren’t... breathing.. I... was.... only.... trying.... to .... help.... (Panel 4. The White Queen mindreads Captain Ultra.) Queen (1): Just who are you and - Queen (2): Oh... I see now. (Panel 5. The White Queen helps Captain Ultra stand.) Queen (1): I’m sorry about this... I had no idea... Ultra: Uhn.... Queen (2): But someone like me always has to be careful. (Page 9, panel 1. Go back to the young members of Generation X. We see them continue to study their books.) Cap (N): And back with Generation X... Gaia: Here she comes... (Panel 2. Enter Melbor and Mr. Crash.) Melbor: Everyone, this is my brother, Mr. Crash. Synch: Ms. Melbor, what do you want us to do now? (Panel 3. Melbor smiles.) Melbor: Mr. Crash and I are going to plan our next move. For now, return to your studies. (Panel 4. Exit Melbor and Mr. Crash.) Synch: Let’s follow them. (Panel 5. The team follows Melbor and Mr. Crash, keeping a safe distance.) Cap (N): And they followed them. (Page 10, panel 1. Go back to Captain Ultra and the White Queen. We see them walking along the stream.) Ultra: I found you floating in this stream here. Queen: Well, we just have to - Sean!!! (Panel 2. The White Queen rushes over to an unconscious Banshee.) Ultra: You know him? Queen: Help me get him out of this. (Panel 3. They drag Banshee to the shore.) Ultra: We’ll have him out soon. (Panel 4. They stand over Banshee.) Queen: He’s going to be all right. (Page 11, panel 1. Banshee wakens.) Ultra: How can you tell? Queen: I can read his mind, like I read yours. (Panel 2. Banshee looks around.) Banshee: Uhn... Queen: Sean, look alive. We’ve got trouble here. (Panel 3. Banshee looks at Captain Ultra.) Banshee: Who are ye? Ultra: I’m Captain Ultra. (Panel 4. Banshee stands.) Banshee: I... remember now. Come on, the lads are in trouble. (Page 12, panel 1. Captain Ultra picks up the White Queen and follows Banshee as they fly toward the headquarters.) Banshee: Follow me, lad - we’ve got work t’do! (Panel 2. Go back to the members of Generation X , Melbor, and Mr. Crash. We see the members of Generation X on one side of a door, and Melbor and Mr. Crash on the other side.) Synch: I knew they were up to no good. So let’s stop them. (Panel 3. They open the door.) Synch: Stop right there!! Melbor: Well, a rebellion in the ranks, hm? (Panel 4. Melbor unleashes a psi-wave, hurting Synch, Jubilee, and Skin, who grab their heads.) Gaia: Nice try... but I am telepathic too. (Page 13, panel 1. We see Gaia pick Mr. Crash up psionicly.) Gaia: Where are our real teachers? Melbor: Let him go! (Panel 2. Jubilee fires energy plasmoids at Melbor.) Jubilee: Stuff it, you hosebag! SFX: Pip! Ping! (Panel 3. Banshee enters, screaming at Melbor.) Banshee: Let them go! (Panel 4. Captain Ultra enters, releasing the White Queen.) Queen: Give it up, you’re outnumbered and outclassed. (Panel 5. Captain Ultra strikes Melbor on the chin, sending her into a wall.) SFX: POW!! Ultra: Take a little Ultra-strength punch! SFX: Whap!! Melbor: UHN! (Page 14, panel 1. Melbor is down, and hurting.) Ultra: Well, that’s all she wrote on this one. Queen: Well, now what? (Panel 2. Captain Ultra hands up some tickets.) Ultra: Catch my friend Griffin Gogol tonight at the Mezzanine. Well, I’ll be going now. (Panel 3. Captain Ultra exits, flying off.) Jubilee: Like, who was he? Queen: That was Captain Ultra... and if he can do anything better than me, then I’ve got some nice coastal property for you in Kansas. (Panel 4. Go back to Captain Ultra. We see him fly into a club, and turn back into Griffin Gogol.) Cap (CU1): Whew, made it. Cap (CU2): And just in time, too. (Page 15, panel 1. We see Griffin Gogol take the stage.) Griffin: Thank you, everyone, I’m Griffin Gogol, and welcome to the world of superheroes. I’d like to start out tonight by paying tribute to that wonderful group of heroes known as the Lame-o Legion, er, the Lightning Rods. (Panel 2. Griffin continues to talk.) Griffin: Let’ s start off with Mr. Immortal, shall we? I’m not too sure I’d want to regenerate near-fatal wounds. They’d start calling me Kenny McCormick-Gogol. (Panel 3. Griffin continues to talk.) Griffin: And what about Flatman? He’s got a body that’s as thick as a sheet of paper, which leaves for little cranial capacity, and he’s the smartest one of the group! (Panel 4. The audience starts to warm up to Griffin.) Griffin: And then there’s Big Bertha. She’s a seven-foot woman who looks like the Blob on Estrogen. And she prefers to look like that to being a model type! Audience: Hahahaha. (Panel 5. Griffin takes the microphone in hand.) Griffin: Well, if I was an anti-hero, I’d me Mr. Mole. That way I’d have an excuse for all the dirt on the floor in my apartment. (Page 16, panel 1. Griffin continues to talk.) Griffin: And if I had to date a superheroine, I’d date Mystique - because if I got tired of the way she looked, I could just ask her to change it. Audience: Hahahahaha. (Panel 2. Griffin continues to talk.) Griffin: Well, just this morning I heard about one of the most disgusting superhuman powers imaginable - I heard about a young woman who could tear her skin off and reveal other elements beneath it. Kinda brings new meaning to the term "Gimme some skin, homey." Audience: Hahahaha. (Panel 3. Griffin continues to talk.) Griffin: Then again, I recently saw a villain whose superhuman power was being connected to the Internet... but he had AOL as his server. Audience. (Panel 4. Griffin continues to talk.) Griffin: Speaking of AOHELL, just how to they keep getting away with raising their rates, cutting people off, and being the fastest growing internet company? Simple, two words: Telepathic mutants. Audience: Hahahahahaha. (Panel 5. Griffin continues to talk.) Cap (N): Later... Griffin: And I’d like to leave you with this thought: If you held Mystique’s nose, what color would she turn? Well, I’m playing again tomorrow night here, catch me if you can, my name is Griffin Gogol, goodnight. (Page 17, panel 1. Griffin Gogol goes off to see several people standing around.) Griffin: So how did I do? Owner: You stink, Gogol! But you're the only comedian around even worse than Carrot Top, and I got a weeklong contract with him! (Panel 2. Griffin winks at the audience.) Griffin: you win some, you lose some.
--End--
