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STAR TREK VERSUS GENERATION X The Wrath of Lady St. Croix
written by Lady St Croix
Because no one demanded it--
Star Trek verses Generation X: The Wrath of Lady St Croix
Captains Log, Stardate 3546.8: Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and myself were to be beamed aboard the Enterprise, but have somehow been transported to an Academy some time in the late twentieth century. We'll have to keep our guard up since this world is still populated by a primitive culture who are no doubt bloodthirsty, knuckle-dragging savages, and-- Um, this sounds pretty dangerous. Do I really have to go on this mission?
Lady St Croix: Don't be such a chicken. Oh, and Captain?
Kirk: Yeah?
Lady St Croix: Can I call you Jimmy-pooh?
Kirk: Uh, no.
(Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are in the school library of the Massachusetts Academy. Spock is scanning with his tricordor.)
Spock: Fascinating.
(Kirk and McCoy groan in unison)
Spock (ignoring them as usual): Captain, I believe we have been transported to an alternate Earth.
Kirk: Again?! Remind me to throw Mr. Kyle in the Agony Booth!
McCoy: That was in the Mirror Universe. Remember?
Kirk: Oh, yeah. Well, we'll take him on our next landing party then. Those dorks in the red shirts always get killed in the first act. Hey, there's more where that came from, am I right?
McCoy: And another Extra is spared. Hey, waitaminute, Spock. How can you tell this is an alternate dimension with a tricordor? That's not possible.
Spock: It is logical.
McCoy: Why?
Spock: Because.
McCoy: Because why, dammit?
Spock (as if to someone with brain damage): Doctor, I doubt you could even comprehend the situation.
McCoy: That's right, Spock. I'm just so dense, light bends around me.
(Dr. McCoy instantly regrets saying that. Doh!)
Spock: As I've always suspected.
McCoy: Why you green-blooded, inhuman....
Spock: I am rubber, you are adhesive--
Kirk (whining): Hey! These guys have more lines than me! No fair!
Lady St Croix: Stop interrupting. We haven't even got to the obligatory fight scene yet.
McCoy: Hey! Where's that voice coming from?
Kirk: And next time, I want script approval!
Lady St Croix: Quit yer yappin' and read your lines, Jimmy-pooh.
McCoy: I've finally lost my mind!
Spock: No, Doctor. That is the author of this illogical, putrid story. I sensed her thoughts even though I am a fictional character. If you had stopped arguing with me this fan fic would have been halfway over by now. It would be prudent if we all just went along with the plot so this story can mercifully end.
McCoy: I need a drink.
(Enter Chamber, Husk, and Tristan Brawn)
Chamber: Who the 'ell are you?
Kirk: Stop the story.
(Everybody is in freeze frame except Kirk)
Kirk: Why would these three even be in the same room together? Isn't that a little forced?
Lady St Croix: Hey, do YOU want to write this thing?
Kirk: Yes I would, actually.
(Suddenly, not eventually or finally, a drop-dead gorgeous brunette appears out of thin air. Hey, it's my story, I can pretend if I want to.)
Lady St Croix: This is getting out of hand.
Kirk: Okay, start the story again.
(Everybody unfreezes.)
Chamber: Who the 'ell are you?
Kirk: My name is James T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise.
Chamber: I'm Jonothon E. Starsmore, the Cyclops of Generation X only with more personality.
Husk: *sigh* He's so dreamy.
Tristan and Jono: Thanks.
Husk: Not you, ya morons! Kirk!
(Paige giggles uncharacteristically, walks over to Kirk, and is all over him because he's just such a stud. And witty, and handsome, and has a seductive smile that could charm the pants off any woman he wants.)
Lady St Croix: Oh, gag me.
Spock: She's a little young for you, isn't she Captain?
Kirk: Mind your business, Spock.
(Dr. McCoy is sobbing in the background.)
McCoy: Oh, God! I've died and gone to a story by William Shatner.
Spock: That is not possible. Mr. Shatner does not write his novels, a ghost writer does.
Chamber: Hey, try a year of being written by Larry Hama. I no longer fear death because I've already seen hell.
McCoy: Somehow this doesn't make me feel better.
Tristan: Hey, how come I don't get any lines?
Kirk: Jesus! Do you ever stop whining?! It's always about you, isn't it? You! You! You!
(Heroically, Captain Kirk shoots the unarmed teen with his phaser. Don't worry, it's just on stun. Or is it? Tristan screams out in agony and is discentigrated into nothing.)
Kirk (sheepishly): Oops.
Chamber: Hey, one of us would have done it eventually.
Husk: *giggle* Oh, Captain! You're my hero! How can I ever repay you?
Spock: Good God, Jim! I sensed that thought. Did I mention that she's also a little ILLEGAL for you?
Kirk: That does it Spock!
(The great Captain Kirk then disintegrates his ungrateful first officer into nothing.)
McCoy: MY GOD! SPOCK!
Kirk: Don't worry about it Bones. He'll be back for the sequel.
Lady St Croix: Okay, that's enough. This story is over.
Chamber: What about the big fight scene?
Lady St Croix: Sheesh! Like two deaths ain't enough for you?
Chamber: But what about Paige? You just can't end the story without helping her.
Lady St Croix: Look, I'm tired. You can finish the story yourself.
(Then the beautiful, mysterious woman disappears.)
Chamber: Okay, first things first.
(Husk's head suddenly snaps to the side and she becomes aware of her surroundings, and the hand on her breast.)
Husk: You pig!
(Paige slugs Kirk in the face, knocking a few of his teeth out. He then cries like a baby. Plonker.)
Kirk (teary eyed): Bones, I have a booboo.
McCoy (shaking his head in disgust): It's hard to believe that you beat 100,000 other sperm. Say, son. Uh, Jonothon right? Could you bring back Spock while you're at it?
Chamber: I was just getting to that Doc.
(Spock than reappears no worse for wear.)
Spock: That was-
McCoy: Don't even think it.
Spock: -interesting. What happened?
McCoy: The story is about to end and we're about to go back to the Enterprise. Am I right, Jonothon?
Chamber: Good enough for me.
Kirk: I want my momma.
Chamber: Just use your communicator doohickeys and you'll be fine.
Spock (flipping open his communicator): Transporter Room?
Transporter Room: Kyle here.
(Spock arches an eyebrow. Hey, you knew it was going to happen eventually.)
Spock: Three to beam up.
(That sod Kirk, Dr. McCoy, and Spock then vanish. All is right with the world. Well, almost. I grow my face and chest back. Paige and me ride into the sunset and we NEVER hear about Tristan Brawn again. Ya see, everybody conveniently forgot he even existed (like that wasn't gonna happen eventually.). Except me because I like to watch flashbacks of him being disintegrated. Oh, and there are no more wars, world hunger has ended, and MTV starts playing music videos again. And they lived happily yadda, yadda, yadda.)
THE END!
