All right kids, here we go, the next will features everyone’s favorite brooding mutant, Chamber. OK, as usual, I don’t own them. There will be OOC aplenty. There happy?

The Last Will And Testament Of Jonothon Starsmore

I have now officially passed on to the next life. Yes, it seems sad. But at least now I have a full face again. YES!!! Bring on the cute angels. Anyway, here’s a list of things I wish to say & give to my friends & family.

Jubilee: I have been lucky enough to never been the target of your very, VERY childish practical jokes. You’ve actually cheered me up on occasion—which is more than can be said for certain blond know it all team members. I especially enjoyed the boxer shorts prank that you pulled on Tristian. I’ve had Nabiki tape it & sell it to other school members. Anyway, I leave you my black jacket. You look VERY sexy in black. Trust me. I also leave you with my amps, along with a very detailed plan on how to use them on Paige.

Paige: I wanted to start off this section off the will with the words ‘YOU FUCKING GOOSE STEPPING SNOOTY BITCH’, but that would be immature. I just know that since I’m dead now, I have the sheer joy of never having to put up with having you flaunt your ‘leadership’ skills. Woman, Ev has better leadership & tactical skills & the man’s dead!! Oh yes, do you know the benefits of being dead? Having my own face again which means YOU’LL NEVER KNOW THE JOY OF LOOKING INTO MY TOTALLY STUDLY FACE AGAIN WITHOUT THE GODDAMNED MASK!! NOW I’M A STUD MAGNET TO ALL THE ANGELS!!! Next leader of the X-Men my English ass. I leave you with 20 bucks. I hear that Cologne’s having a special at the Cat Café on humble pie, with a side order of crow & a personality as a free gift.

Angelo: I hate Ricky Martin. I REALLY FUCKING HATE HIM!!! So imagine how I feel every time I hear that shite you play on the damn radio every time we try to study. Still, you knew how to have a good time. But you couldn’t dance if your ass was on fire & the only way to put it out was to do the macerana. I leave you with a copy of ‘Samba De Amigo’—maybe now you can get something you need seriously, like rhythm & most importantly, SKILL (Kairi totally owned you in ‘Street Fighter Alpha 3’)

Sean: Despite the fact that we have our differences over the past, I still respect you. I mean, it’s kinda hard to believe that we’ve had so many civilized talks about why exactly any English soccer team could beat the living hell out of Ireland’s teams any day of the year. Ok, so playing ‘Lord of The Dance’ & ‘Riverdance’ repeatedly in my room nonstop for 48 hours was rather immature, but I still respect you. I leave you with a copy of Dr. McCoy’s child psychology book, ‘So You Got Drunk, Had Sex With A Co-Worker & Ended Up With A Baby, Now What?’ I don’t know why he wrote it, but it seems like the perfect gift.

To My Dear Family: I leave you all with…ABSOLUTELY JACKSHIT!!!! Do you honestly think that shunning me & kicking me out o’ the bloody house would be overlooked when I die? Gee, I wonder if all those years of avoiding me & treating me like a fucking rotting dead terrier has anything to do with it. I’D RATHER DATE PAIGE AGAIN THAN EVER DEAL WITH YOU FUCKING WANKERS!! SEE YOU IN HELL!

And now for my friends-

Ranma: Pal, the constant beatings are a reminder that a true gentleman would never insult a lady. Then again, being a gentleman was never your best feature. You will find some way to say something nice about Akane without insulting her. Yeah, & Prince Charles will be a good king…So, I leave you with a piece of advice: make like that George Costanza guy & say the opposite of whatever you’ll say to Akane. Unless you like getting multiple concussions.

Tenchi: How did a wishy washy guy like you get to choose between 5 women? I barely lift a finger & almost every girl wants to run off with me. Anyway, if you ask me, you should go with Ayeka. C’mon she’s very caring towards you, she’s not a shabby fight & most importantly SHE’S FILTHY STINKING RICH!!!! For the love of all things holy, choose her. I leave you with a bunch of love songs I made—SOMEBODY needs ‘em & it sure as hell isn’t me….

Kairi: You’re 23 years old & you’re STILL afraid of women? Man, I thought Tenchi was bad…Well, being with you I’ve realized that fan fiction writers aren’t all that bad. But some are definitely a little bit insane & I include you in this category. How many times have you broken furniture on Angelo’s skull? On the other hand, not that many people can take as much punishment as you have & still have an upbeat attitude. I leave you with my copy of ‘The Ultimate Bachelor’s Survival Guide’ to read until you get a date, which may be a bit longer if you keep running from those two…I also leave you with my wardrobe. You would look very good in black.

Ukyo: You’re the only one of Ranma’s friends that hasn’t caused any major league property damage at all. But you need a boyfriend as badly as this country needs an intelligent leader. You also need to cook something BESIDES okonomiyaki. Trust me, I’ve done the math, you can corner the market on kidney pie…I leave you with my home recipes (like I ever needed those damn things)

Yuffie: Trust me, chasing Kairi around is not healthy. Neither is glomping onto him every time you see him, dragging him off to the mall or sneaking into his bed every weekend. Let’s not forget the ‘Onsen Incident’…. I leave you with a Kevlar vest. I swear I heard Kairi mutter ‘Omae O Korosu’ to Angelo the last time Angelo pulled a prank.

Tristian: You know, I had a long list of reasons why I hate your guts, but the word ‘fuck’ came up at least 428 times. So you know what? I leave you with Paige. You too DESERVE each other. Now you will experience the joys of hearing her talk about her stupid farm in Kentucky, her annoying little accent when she talks in her sleep, her tales of Fluppy’s misadventures, being scrutinized by her brother Cannonball, as well as hear her describe why she’ll be the next leader of the X-Men. No, there’s no punishment in hell that will match the terror of what you’ll have to endure….

As for my guitar…BURN IT!!!! I’LL BE DAMNED IF PAIGE & TRISTIAN LAY A FUCKING FINGER ON IT!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! All the lyrics to my songs will be buried with me as well. Well, farewell until we see each other again (with the exception of my family, Paige & Tristian.)

Coming soon-Monet St. Croix!