Disclaimer: I disclaim any notion of owning these characters. There, happy?

Narrator: As the sun rises over the Xavier Academy in Salem, the birds are chirping, the sky is cloudless & the squirrels are---err, on second thought, forget what those naughty hentai squirrels are doing, the point is that it’s VALENTINE’S DAY! The most wonderful, romantic, love filled---

Kairi: SHUT UP!! (Sound of a large piece of metal making contact with a skull!) IT’S THE DAY AFTER VALENTINE’S DAY FOOL, READ THE @#$%ING SCRIPT!

(Cut to kitchen in the academy. Angelo & Duo both have ice packs over their heads. However, Angelo is face down in a bucket.)

Duo: Oh man, what a day! I will NEVER consume that much tequila again.

Angelo: Agreed amig---URK!! (Hurls into bucket as Emma arrives with Kairi, who is rather sleepy.)

Emma: I hope you two learned a lesson about responsibility & drinking. It was a rather tedious task to outrun ½ of the Tijuana Police in a pickup.

Duo: Believe me, I learned my lesson!

Angelo: Yeah…HRK!! (Spews forth more chunks.)

Kairi: ZZZZZZZZ…. (Head lands onto counter.)

Emma: Kairi, wake up! (Taps him on shoulder)

Kairi… huh?…Where am I?…Is she still in my apartment?

Duo: Yeah, ‘fraid so. But don’t worry; she’s decent.

Kairi: That’s good.

Emma: I see you’re normally not awake at eight in the morning.

Kairi: (V.O.) You wanna know why this tale is called ‘Valentine’s Hell’ right? Fine, here’s the deal. It all started at the academy.

One Day Earlier…. Valentine’s Day, 2001, 7:00 AM….

(Cut to Jubilee’s room. The alarm clock goes off loudly, playing "No One Wants To Be Lonely" by Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera. 19.5 seconds later, Jubilee paffs the alarm clock to the depths of jigoku itself & flops back down on the bed.)

Jubilee: Stupid godforsaken…

^^’…shimatta…20 minutes later…

(Cut to kitchen. Paige is happily eating a bowl of Sugar Bombs as Jubilee enters.)

Paige: Ah, isn’t this a won—

Jubilee: No. (pours herself a bowl of cereal.)

Paige: Ah, I see somebody’s not happy today.

Jubilee: Gee, ya think. Let me guess why. My current boyfriend, one Ryoga Hibiki went out to get me flowers for our date…AND HE’S BEEN MISSING FOR THE LAST 96 FREAKING HOURS!!!

Paige: Oh, right. Well, doesn’t he have a GPS on him?

Jubilee: Ya mean this? (Pulls out aforementioned GPS)

Paige: I see…^^;

(Cut to a house in New Hampshire. Ryoga is talking with an old dude.)

Ryoga: Err, excuse me….

Old Man: Kid, for the 10th time, you’re going the wrong way! Don’t you have any sense of direction?

Ryoga: Well…no!

Old Man: Ah, geez. Ethel, give me the car keys!

Old Lady: I told you to drive him when he came by last night!

Old Man: OH SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE YA OLD SENILE BANSHEE!!! (Old Man gets clobbered by a giant oak.)

Old Woman: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!?

(Cut to Kairi’s room. Kairi is slowly waking up.)

Kairi: Ugh, Valentine’s Day. Well, time to wake up. (Stretches arm to other side & feels something…soft.)

Female Voice: Kairi…

Kairi: EEEP!! If I remember, I was alone when I went to sleep. That is definitely a girl’s voice. And if I remember my anatomy…(Turns his head to see his hand on Yuffie’s…look, it isn’t important where his hand is, let’s just say she’s in the same bed with him!!!)

Yuffie (sultry voice): Good morning, handsome.

Kairi: 0_0

(Cut to Kairi’s kitchen. Trowa & Quatre are eating pancakes with Angelo.)

Trowa: So, anyone see the XFL on Sunday?

Quatre: No, missed it.

Angelo: Good game. (A scream emanates from Kairi’s room. In 3.6 seconds, Kairi is sitting at the table, clutching his chest & blushing, nose bleeding.)

Quatre: Hey, what happened?

Kairi: YU…YU…YUFFIE!!!!!

Trowa: Oh.

Angelo: You are in luck, amigo! You’re about to eat Angelo Espinosa’s World Famous Strawberry & Blueberry Deluxe Pancakes!

Kairi: Um before I eat, can I ask you a quick question…what the hell are you doing here?

Quatre: I’m hiding from Dorothy. She seems dead set on spending all of Valentine’s Day with me.

Kairi: Really?

Quatre: Yes. Trowa said that she’d never think of coming here to find me.

Kairi: Guess again, bucko! If Yuffie can find me here—(Before Kairi can finish his sentence, Dorothy glomps onto Quatre from behind.)

Dorothy: Oh, don’t mind me, Quatre dear. Do go on with your meal.

Angelo: Well, that was fast.

Trowa: So, what are you guys gonna do for Valentine’s?

Angelo: Well, I have no girl to spend the day with, so I’m gonna do the next best thing—Party like a bat outta Hell!

Kairi Uh oh. Leave me outta your plans. What about you, Trowa?

Trowa: Well, I’m going to stay as far away from Wufei as possible.

Dorothy: Why?

Quatre: I’ll give you three guesses what he’ll be doing most of the day. And they all revolve around ShengLong.

Dorothy: Oh boy…

(Cut to Wufei bowing & worshiping a shining ShengLong.)

Wufei: Nataku, I am not worthy of such splendor such as you. (Zechs walks by with Noin.)

Zechs: That kid needs a girl. Badly.

Noin: Preferably one with a very even temper.

(Back to Kairi’s apartment.)

Trowa: I’ve got a date with Lady Une tonight. What about you Kairi?

Angelo: C’mon amigo, we’re gonna have a blast!

Kairi: Angelo, remember the last time you & I went on a wild party spree. I don’t think I have to remind you that half of the citizens of Kogane still hold you responsible for the demon that got unleashed.

Angelo: How was I supposed to know that nightclub was a den for otherworldly monsters?

Kairi: It was featured in ‘Zaget’s Guide to Nightclubs of the Damned 2001’, for starters. In addition, Blackheart & Shuma Gorath recommended it! Besides, I already have a plan for today.

Trowa: Really?

Kairi: Yeah.

Dorothy: Well, if you’ll excuse us, Quatre & I will leave now. I have…plans for our day.

Quatre: Um guys…

Angelo: C’mon, be a man, Quatre! It’s enough that you’re the subject of about 1000 yaoi stories with Trowa—

Trowa & Quatre: DON’T REMIND US!!!

(Cut to Duo’s home. Hilde’s in bed with the flu.)

Hilde: Sorry Duo, I guess all our plans for the day are spoiled, huh?

Duo: Eh, don’t worry. You just lay there & get your rest. I’ll just give you my Valentine’s gift that I wanted to give you later. (A knock at the door.)

Hilde: Wonder who that is?

Duo: I’ll go see. (Duo opens the door to find Angelo & Kairi, who’s very carefully watching his back.)

Angelo: Yo Shingami, wazzup?

Duo: Oh, you know, the usual last minute disaster that ruins a good day. What’s with him?

Kairi: I ‘ll give you a hint, it involves my bedroom.

Duo: Ah, Yuffie.

Kairi: Yeah, & how Bozo the Clown here managed to let her get past him is beyond my imagination.

Angelo: Who do you suppose let us in?

Duo: Whatever, anyway, I need your help for a minute.

Kairi: Sure dude!

Angelo: What do you need?

(Cut to Academy. Jono & Jubilee are at the front steps.)

Jono: <So, what’s going on?>

Jubilee: Ryoga just called. He’s coming by in another 15 minutes.

Jono: <I guess someone’s taking him here.>

Jubilee: Totally. I hope you avoided Paige on the way out here. She just kept on going on & on about how perfect her day with Rat-Boy will be.

Jono: <Tell me about it. I kinda need somebody to hang out with today myself. I’d join Angelo, but I think we all know about that Kogane incident.>

Jubilee: Hmmmm….I gotta go make a phone call. I’ll be right back. (Runs into Academy)

Jono: <That gel’s up to something.>

(Inside the academy, Jubilee is dialing a number as Emma comes down the stairs.)

Emma: Hmm, such a lovely day. Ah, Jubilee, what are you up to?

Jubilee: Just insuring that Jono has a date for today.

Emma: Matchmaking AGAIN? Jubilee, need I remind you of the last 3 times you tried to set Kairi on blind dates?

(In the first flashback, Kairi is battling Dorothy with an epee.)

Dorothy: I find a sword fight rather invigorating after dinner, don’t you?

Kairi: Quatre, quick what do I do?

Quatre: Let her stab you . Then she’ll feel guilty & blubber about world peace.

Kairi: You can be a bit of a sadist when you want to be, can’t you?

(Next flashback involves Kairi, paralyzed, being dragged off by Kodachi to her room.)

Kodachi: Normally, I would only let Ranma-sama see the inner chambers of my bedroom, but I guess you will be a fun little diversion for now. I’ll show you things two human bodies can do that aren’t even discussed in certain books.

Kairi (Frantic) Hey, I don’t do that on the first date! Yo, Kuno! Free me & I’ll lead you to the pig-tailed girl!

Kuno (Appearing from outta nowhere.) You will? Do you give your word as a writer & fellow male?

Kairi: Look at the situation I’m in!! Would lying be a viable option?!

(Cut to some evil looking Japanese temple. Kairi is tied up to a post at the front of a shrine. Yuffie is in a face off with Mizuki, that evil chick from Samurai Shodown 2.)

Yuffie: I’m just gonna ask you politely, give Kairi back right know before I kick your ass so hard, you’ll think the U.S. TV version of Cardcaptors was actually good.

Mizuki: I’m afraid not. His life force is what I need to open the gates to the Demon Realm. Plus, it is rather lucky he’s still a virgin at his age.

Yuffie: He is?

Mizuki: Wait a minute, do you realize how hard it is to find a single young man who’s also a virgin. (Both began to eye him rather oddly.)

Kairi: (growling): Jubilee, if I ever get out of this date in one piece I SWEAR TO KAMI-SAMA I’LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!!!!

(Cut back to the academy.)

Jubilee: How was I supposed to know she was a woman who was possessed as a demon?

Emma: Nevertheless, whomever you pick must be a viable, non-lethal, emotionally controlled suitable date for Jono. However, with all the choices we have, then we have quite a slim choice.

Jubilee: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect person for Jono.

Emma: Really. Who?

(Cut back to Duo’s place. Angelo, Duo & Kairi are all getting a huge item from a closet as Hilde looks on.)

Hilde: Are you guys all right?

Duo: Sure, no problem, everything’s under control.

Angelo: I said PULL from that end, not push. Are you trying to crush my kidneys or something.

Kairi: (sarcastically): Yes Angelo, getting out of bed this morning, I formulated a well thought out plan to have Duo buy a huge doll so I can come here & crush your kidneys.

Duo: Hoo boy.

(Angelo & Kairi pull out a huge Pichu doll holding a huge heart. As Kairi sets it down, Hilde abruptly knocks him down on the ground as she rushes to hug him.)

Hilde: Oh Duo, how wonderful!

Duo: I thought you’d dig something like this.

Kairi: Would you kindly humor me for 2 seconds & NOT STAND ON MY SPINAL CORD?!

(Outside Duo’s house. Angelo, Kairi & Duo all walk out to the street.)

Duo: Too bad you aren’t joining us. We’re gonna have such a blast.

Kairi: Sorry, but I’ve gotta go to Nerima. I’ve got a couple of Valentines to deliver.

Angelo: So, I guess that means you finally decided to ask Ukyo out?

Kairi: No. But I do have to visit her. Where’re you guys headed off to?

Angelo & Duo: TIJUANA!!!

Kairi: This can go wrong in so many ways…^^’

(Cut to the academy. Ryoga has finally arrived.)

Ryoga: Sorry I’m so late.

Jubilee: Don’t worry, I’m rather used to it. What’s in the briefcase?

Ryoga: Oh, I bought some flowers for you. However, I had to find something to hold them in, so I went to go see Washu. She said this containment unit would keep them alive.

(Ryoga opens the briefcase to reveal a bouquet of blue roses.)

Jubilee: Wow, they’re beautiful.

Ryoga: Really:

Roses: GEEZ, IT’S REALLY COLD IN THERE!

Jubilee: What in the….

Roses: Holy @#$% that thing is freezing! What was that lady thinking?

Jubilee: What the hell is this?

Roses: Who the heck are you people?

Ryoga: Wait a second let me see this briefcase. (Reads inside of the briefcase) Uh oh, looks like Washu put these in the wrong suitcase. This cold storage case brings life to inanimate objects.

Jubilee: You serious?

Roses: Who the @#$% are you calling ‘inanimate’? Flowers are living beings too, douche bag!!

Ryoga: However, it also seems to give them a foul demeanor.

Jubilee: Well, I know just what to do with them. (Takes out a poke ball.) Snack time, Snorlax.

Roses: Oh, @#$%.

(A couple hours later, Ryoga, Jubilee & Jono are sitting in the living room.)

Jono: <So, what’s the surprise that you got for me?>

Jubilee: I set you up for a date.

Jono: <Oh no. Jubes, do I need to remind you of the last blind date you set me up on a date?>

Jubilee: Trust me bro, you’ll enjoy this date.

Ryoga: It can’t be as bad as last time.

Jono: <I’m still banned from ever going into the Yukon for another 3 years mate.>

(Cut to Nerima. Kairi is searching for some gifts.)

Kairi: Well, will they like this? Or maybe they would go for these. (Heero approaches.)

Heero: Kairi.

Kairi: Yo, Heero, what’s up?

Heero: I need to stay with you for the rest of the day. It’s urgent.

Kairi: Uh, why…wait, it’s got something to do with Relena, doesn’t it?

Heero: Yeah, she wanted to spend the whole day with me alone.

Kairi: That doesn’t seem so bad.

Heero: I didn’t say WHERE.

Kairi: Ah, I see. Where did she want to go? (Heero whispers it in his ear.) Oh, man. You mean to tell me she wants to go to…EURODISNEY?

Heero: I’ve been there once & I will do everything that’s in my power to never return.

Kairi: Very well. C’mon I have to stop by Ukyo’s.

Heero: So, you’ve finally admitted to having a crush on Ukyo. It’s about time you grew a spine.

Kairi: I’m only going there because I have to meet up with her & Tenchi. Don’t jump to conclusions.

(Cut to Tijuana. Duo & Angelo arrive on a dusty old’ bus.)

Duo: Ah, nothing like the nice rustic air of Tijuana.

Angelo: Not to mention all the cute babes. (Points to a flock of women in front of a bar.) Hey hombre, look at that sign on the front of the bar.

Duo: Tonight at 10 o’ clock, an all out tequila drinking contest. First prize is $10,000 bucks. Are ya thinking what I’m thinking?

Angelo: I’m beginning to like this trip already.

(Cut to academy. Kiyone has arrived.)

Jubilee: Jono, meet your date for the evening.

Jono: <Kiyone?>

Kiyone: Yeah, she convinced me to come since I didn’t have anything to do. Well, except for hanging out with Mihoshi all day.

Jono: <So I guess we’ll be double dating today.>

Ryoga: Not quite. I hate to break it to you like this, but…well we’re going on a triple date.

Jono: <Really? With who…OH DEAR GOD NO!> (Paige & Tristian come into the room.)

Tristian: So, are you guys ready to go?

Jono: <Oh, hell no…..>

(What will become of the 3-way date? Just how drunk will Angelo get? What Valentine’s gift will Kairi give out? Does the writer has a serious grudge against a holiday named after a saint from Rome who performed secret cristian ceremonies? And why did no one hurt Wufei at all in this insanity?)

Jubilee: Oh, let me take care of that (Drops her Snorlax on Wufei)

Wufei: Stupid….tomboyish….onna….

(Stay Tuned For Pt. 2)