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MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3K - GENERATION X #40 By Kairi Taylor and El Shafto Mystery Science Theater 3K - Generation X #40 Original by: Larry Hama MiSTing by: Kairi "Shadow Sage" Taylor & El Shafto (Ernie) Disclaimer: Let's get the facts straight. The following characters are trademarked from the following companies: Generation X - Marvel Mike, Tam, Crow, Pearl, Bob, etc - Best Brains, Inc. Jar Jar Binks - The 7th Layer of Hell, Serously, I mean Lucas Arts. Pikachu: Nintendo/Creatures/Game Freak. Can't go anywhere without seeinghim, sheesh... IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!! -------------------------------- *This little project took longer than I ever expected it to, but hey, I believe it'll all be worth it for you. A lot of unforeseen things happened as a result of the insanity. This would have been done sooner, had it not been for Ernie's computer crash. I wanted to do this because, well no one else wanted to go through this. This issue was the lowest thing that Hama could've pulled (excluding his butchering of Elektra) so someone had to trash it. Let's just say it's a task I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Well, enough from me. I changed & added a bit of material from the original. I even take a much need swing at the Sci-Fi Channel (Sci-Fi my ass, where the hell's Dr. Who?) My style differs from Quamp. Unlike the other Mike, I have NO qualms about sex jokes & mild profanity, since the show apparently doesn't. with the exception of the censoring by a certain network. I watched a lot of the show to get in the proper mood. So sit back & enjoy!!! (Intro to show, Mike's theme song, switch to the Sattlelite of Love main deck. Mike is standing while the 'bots are pacing about) Mike - Hey folks, welcome once again to the SOL. I'm Mike and um... Say guys.. Crow - (Muttering) - Geez , oh geez, oh geez!!! Mike - Crow, what's wrong? Tom - We've sensed something evil approaching. Mike - What do you mean? Tom - Well, it's just something we can't shrug off. It's totally evil beyond our thought processors. Mike - Ok... in english? Tom - Don't you see, Mike, Pearl is gonna send us something that could possibly break us! It's something horrible, hideous, beyond humanity. Mike - What? A Joe Don Baker - Mickey Rourke film? Crow - No, far worst than that. Mike - Pictures of Pearl in a thong bikini? Tom & Crow (Together) - A R G G G G G H H H H ! ! ! (The bots run off the deck in terror.) Mike - We'll be,um, right back. (Time for a commercial!! Hey, it's an exec fromth Sci-Fi channel!) SUIT: Ladies & Gentlemen, on behalf of the fans of, Mystery Science Theater 3000, we apoligize for canceling this wonderful show. We obviously do not recognize how great & humorous this show truly is & spent too much time censoring or changing solid gold material. We also have to apoligize to anime fans for not getting any new films when we know there is a huge market for this form of entertainment, opting to put it on when only brainless couchpotato zombies would somewhat notice. We're assholes, yes we know. Big assholes. Bigger than, oh say, Pat Buchannan. Thank you.) (Time for the show) Mike - Ok, we're back, by the way guys, sorry for that image. Tom - Yeah, I bet Crow - You owe me big time bucko. Here's Pearl. Mike - Hey Pearl, whats up? (Switch to Castle Forrester. Pearl's in her lab. Hands behind her.) Pearl - Mike, today I think you'll be particularly horrified by what I'm going to send to you.. 'm surprised I haven't sent you this earlier) Bobo (entering with a remote) - Law giver, shouldn't you tell them the details of the first part of the experiment? Pearl - I will, I will. I'm trying to be evil & malicious here, so go do whatever you should be doing. (Bobo exits) Mike we're sending a couple of prisoners up to you. The first one should drop in any moment now. (Bobo presses a button) (Switching back to the SOL) Tom - A prisoner? Who the hell is she gonna send up he-- ( A female aburptly lands on Tom, knocking him down. The girl gets up and we see its Jubilee, with Tom in her hands) Jubilee - Damn what I'd landed on, a sentinel? Tom - You're not exactly a bag of marshmellows, sister! Mike - Jubilee? Crow - How'd they get you here? Jubilee - Long story, its something to do with a certain writer and use of a home tool kit. Mike - Wow, its nice to have an actual superhero here. Thanks Pearl. Tom - (Starting to freak out) Oh crap! This is it! Why else woul she send Jubilee here if she wasn't planning something heavy! Crow - He's right. Whacked but right. Mike - Jubes, what's going on? Jubilee - Brace yourself boys, cause it ain't pretty. (Back to Castle Forrester) Pearl - Gentlemen, I present to you. (Observer beats a drum dramatically as Pearl holds up a comic book) Pearl - Boy's, meet Generation X #40! (Back to the SOL) All - NOOOOOOO!! Mike - Dear God, why now?! Crow - We're doomed!! Doomed I say! Tom - Well, if we're going down, we'll go down fighting!!! You in Jubilee? Jubilee - Sorry, not right now, I've got my own little project to do Mike - Well, then... I guess it's go time. Crow - To think it'll end like this. (Lights start flashing) Mike - OK, we got comic sign!! (Mike & bots enter the theater) Dag bone,6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (As Mike & the bots enter the theater, the cover of Generation X #40 is on the screen. On the cover, we see Penance with lights coming out of her body) Cover: "TRUTH BE TOLD: THE SECRET OF PENANCE REVELEAD" Crow: (Jack Nicholson impression) You can't handle the truth!! Mike: At least the writer's version (Page 1. Everett is lying on the bed in a comatose state while a doctor examines. Surrounding the bed is Jubilee, Angelo, Sean & Paige.) Mike: Hmm,lets checks the creative team here. Tom: "Creative" is apparently a dirty word at Marvel nowadays. Mike: Oh, our old friends Larry Hama did the script. Crow: Ah yes, Mr. "I'll run this comic into the ground & alienate the fans" Hama Tom: When he ruined Elektra, You'd think Marvel would have considered letting him off this, but nooo..... Mike: Terry Dodson, pencils Tom: Oh, they sketch out everything, right. Mike: Bingo!! Rachel Dodson, inks. row: Hey! Rachel!! In case you don't know, Jubilee's eyes are blue. Don't listen to Larry. Mike: Ditto to Felix Serrano for colors. Tom: RS/comicraft/LA is in charge for letters. I think I speak for all when I ask "Who the hell are they?" Mike: Rubien Diaz, editor. Or, in this series, the acomplise in crime. Tom(Yoda Impersinaton) "Always there are two. A master & an apprentice". Jubilee: Ev's gonna be all right. I just know it Angelo Angelo: Sure. Anything you say, Jubecita. Tom: As if her angst wasn't enough, Skin's gotta go with sarcasm as well Angelo: (whispering) Synch's in bad shape, Sean--mondo vessie city Sean: Let's let Dr. Singh be the Judge of that, shall we? : Mike:Is it me or did Angelo call his teacher by his first name. Crow: Leave it to Hama to destroy any crediblity of a student - teacher relationship. Paige:(Whispering) We shouldn't have left him behind in that other dimension Sean: -- Tom: Cause if we're gonna be stuck in this god-awful story; he's staying too. Sean: We had no choices, Paige Crow: Yeah, it was either this or a summer job at Taco Bell (Page 2. Dr Singh is looking into Ev's eyes) Dr. Singh: --Pupils 3mm, equally reactive to light, all cranial nerves intact, no papilledena, no racoon sign... Crow: You mean another type of rabid animal bit him? Mike: Something's rabid all right. ...No Battle Sign, CT negative for bleeding & fractures, no sign of increased intracranial pressure. Crow: In case you didn't know, what this all means is someone beat the crap outta him. Sean: What kinda of person would run down a kid like that & then just drive off? Crow: If I remember, Ev was crawling on the ground when we last saw him. Please explain how he'd slip into a coma. Emma: Did I hear you say that Everett was beaten? Mike(imitating Dr. Singh): Actually, I was telling them that Image is hiring & that I was leaving you losers. Sean: You heard right, Emma, perhaps you an Jon had best take Nicole & and Claudette back outside.. Crow: And as far away from this comic as humanly possible! (Page 3. Ev, still a vegetable, is apparently synching up with Emma) Tom: It is me, or is Emma smiling? Mike: So, this story's not the only thing in the gutter. Crow: Various child laws are broken here. Dr Singh: That's strange, there was a very brief anomolous spike in his brain wave activity. Emma: (Whispering) Did you see that Sean? Ev Synched with me! Sean: That means his unconcious mind is not capable of utilizing you fordimable psi - powers. Mike: If I'm right, mutants can't activate their powers UNCONCIOUS!! Tom: I believe that in the future, we'll see the lack of Marvel knowledge on the writers part. Dr. Singh: (astonished) He's spiking off the graph! Look those alpha waves! (A whole assorrtment of items break) Crow: Ev used the Force to send out shreds of shrapnel to kill Hama & free the team! The End! Mike: If only. (Page 4. Energy is radiating from Ev's forehead as everyone is floating in the room) Sean: Will ye look at the lad now -- Dead to the world, but his subconscoius is playing with fire... Crow & Mike: (Imitating Beavis) Heh heh, Fire, Fire!! Heh Heh Heh. Tom: Wait just a darn sec! How come in one panel, the twins are floating, but in another panel, one's on the ground?! Mike: Don't even try to make sense of it, Tom. -- And playin' with us as well! What's he doin, Emma? Can ye stop him? Emma: He's delving into all of our minds! But I can't make much with Ev's mind while he's in a coma -- it could kill him!! Mike: (Imitating Emma) By the way, stop looking down my dress! Crow: Being in a coma didn't stop OTHER mutants before. (PAGE 5. Claudette is at Ev's side) Caption: There is one mutant in the room unaffected by the maelstrom of psionic energy- the autistic twin Claudette. Caption 2: Rarely does she interact with the world preferring the universe within her own mind... Crow: Because she knows better. Caption 3: But something beyond her control is driving her to participate. Mike (imitating Vader): Come, Claudette, to the darkside of the comic. Help me in ruining this comic series. (Claudette puts a hand to Ev's temple) Tom:(imitating Swaggert):You are HEALED!! I drive the demon from this body!! (Everybody falls to the floor. Dr. Singh is really excited) Dr. Singh: A true telekinetic! Tom:(losing temper): Its Telepathic! TELEPATHIC!!! Wait a sec, give me a dictionary, I'll settle this... Mike: Don't try, Tom, it's not worth it! Dr. Singh: This will have to be reported and... Emma(Using telepathic powers): You don't remember any of this. Dr. Singh(Repeating her words): I don't remember any of this. Emma: You will go back to the doctor's lounge and read the new issue of Lancet. Dr. Singh(Repeating her words): I will read the new issue of Lancet Crow(Imitating Emma): You will later go with me for dinner and drinks Mike: C'mon Crow; she's not like that. Crow: So why is she giving her a sultry look while fooling with his mind. Tom: Good Point. Mike: Yeah it has happened before in Marvel. (Page 6. The Nightmare continues) Paige: Just what did you do, Claudette honey? Jubilee: How come you didn't go flying with the rest of us? Mike: Hello? Earth to Hama! They're not supposed to communicate with an autistic girl! Nicole: You sillies! She's autistic, remember Tom: Apparently, the only one with a shred of intelligence is a 6 year old. Jubilee:(off stage): You know I can hear you out here. Tom: Oh crap. (At that point, Ev synchs with the twins) Jono: Ev just synched with the twins!! Crow: Despite the fact that he can only synch with one mutant at a time. Jubilee: That's just great, considering we don't even know what all their powers are yet! Ev(awake from his "coma") Well I know what their powers are now, and a lot more to boot! Somebody: He's awake! Ev woke up! Mike: Welcome to hell, kiddo. Tom: You were better off, in that coma, pal! (Page 7. Ev is recovering slowly but steadly from his battle wounds) Ev: And Man do I ever have a pounding headache. Must be the residual after effects of Emma's Psi-powers amplified & warped by Nicole & Claudette's weird talents. I'm not even trying, & I'm picking up your thoughts. Mike: *coughbullshitcough*!! *coughtotalcrap*!! Tom: Could've sworn it was because you had the tar beat outta you Crow: Remember kids, if you actually believe this, then Marvel has several job openings for you. Sean & Emma are worried about what I picked up poking around in all your brains, Paige & Jubilee are concerned about whatever power I picked up from the twins while(untelligable word), Starsmore & Espinosa are wondering about who beat me up & what they're going to do about it.. Tom: You know, Nicole has ths look on her face that says "Do you expect me to believe this crap?" Crow: Yeah and Jubilee has that look that says "I hope he didn't find the dirty dream I had about him" Jubilee: Do you wanna die, Crow? Mike: Careful Crow, this fanfic already has a PG-13 label Crow: Thank you Mike, This is the 50th time we're cracked the 4th wall. Ev: What I want to know is what happened to Gaia? Jono, Paige, Angelo and Jubilee (together) who? Tom: How the hell did Paige and Jubilee forget? They were there!! Ev: She was the young mutant who was chained to the alter at the universal amalgamator... Mike: If you consider being over 1000 young, I rather not see old. She was the one that M_Plate was going to use to trigger the amalgamation effect to join all sentiment beings in the univerise into one entity. Crow: I do NOT wanna be in the same body with Pearl. Mike: Join the club. Tom: Mike, I don't know how much more my logic chips can take. Mike: Hang in there. (Mike and the bots exit the theatre.) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog Bone (We return to the bridge where Mike & Tom find Jubilee in a conversation with Gypsy & Kairi) Kairi: Then after I finished writing everything on disk, I tried going to Kinko's to paste it onto my email, but then.... Mike: Hey Gypsy, whos this? Gypsy: This is the other prisoner Pearl sent. Kairi: Yo, Mike! Mike: Yeah I remember, you wrote "Jubilee's Revenge" Tom: Not to mention this Fic. Mike: There goes the wall... Tom: So, what're you in for? Kairi: Well, I'm kinda serving time for assult on this dude named Big Daddy Bob. Jubilee: Yeah, this jerk did his best to insult him & well, Kairi went overboard. Tom: How overboard? Jubilee: Well... (Jubilee whispers to Tom) Tom: (Shocked) You sick bastard! You couldn't find anyother use for a electric toothbrush? Kairi: No. well, while you guys here in the theatre, me & Jubilee worked on a new invention Jubilee: We call it, the "Instant Star Wars Movie Fixer" (Jubilee turns on a screen and we see Jar Jar in a pod) *Note: This was added by Ernie* Kairi(Looking at Jar Jar)Hey son, whats you name? Jar Jar: Mesa named Jar Ja--- Kairi(Interuping Jar Jar and Imitating The Rock):IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!! Jar Jar: Mesa no like this pod. Jubilee: Shut yer cake hole. Mike: Intresting, but couldn't it be used as an escape pod? Kairi: It's designed so that it would break easily upon impact. Well that & the C-4 lined interior doesn't help matters much Mike: Continue Jubilee: First, we pick a place to send Jar Jar Say... Kairi: Big Daddy Bob's house! (Kairi pushes a few button & Big Daddy Bob appears on the radar, causing more trouble elsewhere on the Net.) Tom: Intresting. Now what. Jubilee: I press this button & viola! (Jar Jar's pod is launched out into space) Crow:(running on screen)Hey guys! I just saw Jar Jar launched into space & was strapped with C-4! You should have seen it! Tom: You think that's cool, watch this! (Big Daddy Bob looks out his window & screams in terror as the pod hits him & explodes.) Jubilee & Kairi(hi-fiving): YES!! Crow: Why didn't you guys aim for Hama? Jubilee: Don't worry 'bout that! The 25 rabid pikachu's will get him.(snickering) Mike: Yikes. We'll be right back (Time for another commercial! It's Eduardo Sanchez, co-creator of The Blair Witch Project. Standing behind him is Hulk, Sabretooth, Super Skrull & Wade Wilson, AKA Deadpool. Hey, who'd you expect, WOLVERINE?) Sanchez: Lately I've heard that certain folks didn't think that our film wasn't scary enough. In fact, one person said 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' was better. To prove how scary this film is, I requested that the most vicious & toughest of Marvel be here. Then I asked for Deadpool. Deadpool: Hey!!! (The crew all walk into the theater, having evil grins. An hour & a half later, Sabretooth walks out, hair all white, drops of....well you know running down his pants. Super Skrull is carted out by hospital workers while a look of sheer terror is on his face. Deadpool is carrying out Hulk in his arms, who is sucking on his thumb like a baby) Sanchez: See? If theses guys get freaked out by this movie, imagine whatit's gonna do to you? Deadpool: Scary? I had to change this big chicken's diapers!!! That's scary enough!!! (The commercial is now over. We return to the theater with Mike, the bots & Kairi) Crow: Hey, you sure you wanna help us with this? Kairi: Eh, don't worry about it. I've read this issue 21 times before the psychosis wore off Mike: Yikes! (Page 8. Ev looks out the window, talking) Ev: Gaia helped me escape that alternate reality through a warp chamber that connected with the back of the diner in town. Mike: I always wandered if the burgers in my town seemed a little odd. Kairi: Perhaps this would explain school Cafeteria Food. But then, she ran off before I could stop her. (At that moment, Chief Auther comes in with Dorian & Weasel in tow) Auther: These 2 miscreants did the downtown stomp all over your head. Its good to see that you're up and about, son. I was just bringing Dorion & Weasel around to rub their noses in their dirty work. Tom: Aha!! So they're the ones responsible for this drek! Crow:(Imitating old man) Hanging too goo fer'em! Dorion: It's his word against ours, Chief Auther! Weasel: Yeah! And there's 2 of us and one of him. Mike: You just incriminated yourselves & you're still gonna get off. Tom: That's justice for you. Sure this isn't L.A.? Ev: You must be mistaken, Chief. Dorien and Weasel had nothing to do with my injuries. I must have been disoriented and fallen down. Mike: If this was any other mutant their asses would've been handed to them, but nooooo, it wouldn't be right for Ev to fight back. Kairi: Hmm, you can copy any mutant power, but you can't fight in a hand-to-hand situation despite being taught by a former Interpol agent who's also an X-man. Yeah, sure. Weasel: We told ya we didn't throw down on the little creepoid! Dorian: Better get your farts straight before ya go roustin us innocent citizens. Tom: God only knows most NYC cops never jump to conclusions. (Page 9. Dr Singh enters the room) Dr. Singh: I don't know why I had this sudden compulsion to go to the lounge & read the Lancet but -- Crow: Then I realized I was in love with that beautiful teacher! Mike:(Chuckling uncontrolably) Crow..... --What? When did this patient come out of his coma? What is he doing up? Ev: I feel fine, doc. I was just looking for my clothes so I can go home and -- Mike: Resume my duties at night as a Chippendales dancer! Kairi: Heh heh Jubilee:(OS) Hey, Kairi, that gives me an idea for a story.... Kairi: No. It's hard enough for me to imagine you two making out. Crow: Do I detect a crush? Kairi: Lets not go there, bird-boy. Dr. Singh: You're not going anywhere, young man! You have to stay here for observation for at least 3 days... (Emma waves her hand at Dr. Singh) But on Second thought... I don't see any reason why he shouldn't go home right away where he'll be among friends & feel more secure! Tom: I can give you half a dozen reasons why he should and they all involve getting out of this bile as soon as possible. Crow: Thank god we don't work for Marvel. Sean: Gettin a bit free with the mind zappin, eh Ms Frost. Emma: What are we gonna do, yell at her? Crow: Well, ya could've erased the memories of all the doctors involved, but that's too easy & creative. Kairi: Now, if only Emma could erase OUR memories of living through this sewage. Ev: When we get back to the academy, there's something very important that Nicole has to tell all of you. Crow: We're stuck in a god-awful story thanks to a writer who couldn't give a flaming rats ass. Nicole: You went in our heads & found out, huh? Ev: I sure did (Page 10. The team are all back at the Academy.) Ev: Go ahead, Nicole, tell them what I already know tell them about the real Monet! Kairi:(Imitating Cartman) The nightmare begins. Crow: Just how much worse can this get. Kairi: You will get the urge to puke. Mike: Oy vey..... Jubilee: Wait a minute! I thought the real Monet was the two of you twins combined! Emma: Let Nicole tell her story Jubilee All but Kairi: No!! Don't let her!! Nicole: I didn't even know a lot of this story myself until Claudette and I merged with out brother Emplate to form M-plate... Kairi: (Shuddering): Why? Mike: Easy there. ....thats was when we learned everything that was inside our brother's head! Tom: Despite the fact that MUTANTS CAN'T USE THEIR POWERS ON THEIR OWN SIBLINGS!! Crow: Oh man, this stinks! Sorry guys, I'm running out of gags. (We come to a flashback of a house in Monaco.) Caption 1: (From Nicole) Claudette and I lived with our big Sister Monet in our Father's house in Monaco. (Switch to the inside of the house. Monet brushes her while Emplate sits in the Shadows) Caption 2: One day our older brother came to visit Monet: Oh? And what exactly is your proposistion, dear brother of mine? Emplate: It's a favor Monet. I'm doing you a big favor!! Kairi: We'll sue Marvel for making your chest bigger without consent! Mike: That would include just about every other female right? I have been to the end of time, I have opened pathways to worlds undreamed of. Crow: If we act now, we can get the hell away from this Comic (Page 11.) Emplate: My darling sister, I know that you are possessed of certain powers. If you will join forces with me, the two of us can contain complete mastery of this other reality. Tom: If you do, please disembowel the writer! .... And when our base of power is established, we can return to this plane and rule here as well! Crow & Tom(Singing To the Pinky & The Brain theme song) they're dinky they're Monet & Emplate, plate, plate, plate, plate!! Monet: You are really pathetic Mike: Not my fault I'm stuck here watching god-awful movies and fanfics... Kairi: Dude, she meant Emplate. Look at what you sacrificed to gain power: You can't even walk down the boulevard in daylight without nauseating people! Crow: Same for Linda Tripp. And now, You're asking me to give up all of this, So I can lord it over freaks & geeks in some other dimension? Tom: Is there anyone she HASN'T cheezed off? Crow: Not friggn likely. (At this point, Monet laughs Page 12. Emplate is Pissed) Emplate: I have tolerated your hubris & your arch-superiority all my life!! Do you know how deep cruel remarks cut? Mike: If you prick me, do I not pimp slap you across the face? Do you know the hurt unleashed by your voice? You will pay for this & will still be mine! Kairi: Dude! Sick! Crow: Listen, pal, I don't know how you run things in you country, but we don't do that kinda thing here! Tom: Which body part is Hama thinking with?! Mike: Not his brain, I imagine. Monet: Oh, this is rich! Not only did you get a bad makeover at the gruesome salon, you laid in the hairdryer too long & your head got baked! Emplate: That was the final straw Monet. Crow: Now I can't finish my soda! Now you shall have a taste fo the power I have harnessed from the Nether Realms. Tom: No thanks, I'm full Kairi: Oh crap, here it comes..... (Emplate blasts Monet with a head bean) Monet: Hey! What the @$%? Emplate: You could have ruled with me. (Page 13. We see that Emplate has transformed Monet into---- Pennance. Folks, 2-3 years of hard work & plot building, right down the crapper) ALL: NOOOO!!!! Tom: DOES NOT COMPUTE!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!! (blows a fuse) Kairi: Holy crapmeister! Mike: Tom's out Crow: Oh my God! He killed Tom! You bastard! Kairi: I'll go get him fixed up (Kairi picks up Tom & leaves.) Now, you stand transformed; a monstrosity fit only frighten children or to serve me! Mike: Hama did NOT pull this ... Crow: Geez, wonder how much Diaz was paid to ignore this shit. You protest? How can you? You hace no voice! Sit down why don't you? Ah, but you must be careful of where you sit now. -- Since your very skin is as sharp as a razor. Mike: Too bad the writer's talent isn't Ha, Now your tongue is truly sharp! Now you see the cutting edge of cruelty! Ha! Consider this you pennace! Crow: Ha! See me make an ass outta myself and the whole Comic in 5 panels Mike: Scott, If you're ready this, do us a favor & hack Larry's hands off before he kills again!! (Page 14. Claudette & Nicole arrive) Claudette: What are you doing here? Father has forbidden you to return! What have you done with Monet? Who is this weird creative? Emplate: Your beloved Monet is gone Forever! Crow: Along with just about all the fun of this comic! I have taken her away and you and your empty headed brat twin will never see her smirking face again! (At this point, Claudette takes a piece of chalk and drows a circle around Emplate) Emplate: What is Claudette doing with that chalk? Nicole: She's opening a doorway to send you to a bad place forever! Mike: It's Claudette the AutisticWitch only on ABC this fall! Emplate: Penance come with me for only I can change you back to your former self. Crow: Then, working together, we can break both Hama's hands and prevent this from happening again. (Mike & Crow exit the theater) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Roll the dog a bone (Back at the bridge, Mike & Crow find Jubilee & Kairi fixing up Crow. Jubilee has a black leather jacket on & has a bowling ball in her left hand. Tom's got a hardhat on and in one of his hands is a shovel. Kairi's got a trenchcoat and a fedora hat on.) Mike: So, hows he holding up? Jubilee: Well, his logic circuits overload with all that crap you were exposed to, so we had to replace them. Kairi: Fortunately, I swiped a few gadgets from Pearl's lab before the put me up here. Mike: How'd you manage that? Kairi: I'm a retired thief as well. Tom: Man, how'd Marvel get away with this? Kairi: Good thing you've got a nice little therapy session here. Mike: Hey Pearl is calling. (Castle Forrester. Pearl looks happy while Bobo and the observer try to merge) Pearl: Ah I see one of you is about ready to break. So how was it? Painful? Mind-numbing? Be honest Bobo: Ok, one more time, I'm sure it'll work. Observer: This is embarrissing. Bobo: Think of the possibilities of us being merged together! Our intelligence will be doubled. Our mind powers will be superior. I'll save money on grooming. Observer: Oh, all right, but if I start eating bugs, you come out! (Bobo and the Observer run into each other, knocking themselves out. Back to SOL) Jubilee: Dorks....... Tom: Well, I'm fine, no thanks. Right now a little therapy will get me ready to go in again. Mike: Right now, the focus for this therapy is.... uh what are you guys doing? Jubilee: We decided to dress up like superheroes from a movie that totally sucks, but not so much as this. Thr point is that even at their worse, certain heroes are far better than what we are experiencing. Like, I'm the Bowler Mike: Oh from Mystery Men! Tom: Yeah, & I'm the Shoveller: with my shovel of justice, I'll knock whatever common sense Hama lost back in his head Crow: He had some? Mike: Oh, wait guys, I have one! (Mike puts on a turban & taker out a few forks) BEHOLD, THE BLUE RAJA! (Back to Castle Forrester) Pearl: Wow, what delightful costumes, if you really wanna look like a complete loser. But Kairi, you look like Inspector Gadget. He's not exactly a superhero. (Back to SOL) Kairi: I like Inspector Gadget, so I dressed up like him. (SERIOUSLY, I LIKED THE MOVIE. NO I'M NOT MENTAL!) Crow: Yeah, but he doesn't have any real powers Tom: Yeah, he doesn't have the shovel!! Jubilee: Just wait a sec, guys, I've made a few choice additions. Kairi: Check this out. Go - Go Gadget Instant -godawful writer Killer! (Out of his coat & hat, several weapons pop out, including a flamethrower, crossbows, dynamite & the deadliest one yet: a copy of Generation X #25!) Tom: Wicked! Crow: How is a comic book deadly? Kairi: Its not deadly to us. (Lights flicker as a arrow accidently, goes off) Mike: Oh great, Comic Sign! (Everybody but Kairi leaves the bridge) Dogbone ,6 , 5 ,4 ,3 ,2 ,1 (Mike, the bots & Jubilee enter the theater) Jubilee: Hmm, sweet payback Mike: Tastes minty. (Page 16. Back to the academy) Jubilee: You decided to merge with each other & become Monet? Nicole: It was a way of having her back & being her, you see, but we had no way of knowing that the real Monet was actually trapped in the form of Pennance. Tom: Of course, upon writing this, the writer believed that none of us actually cares about background story. Jubilee: Or plot. Paige: And Penance couldn't speak! Emma: Emplate probably had mental inhibitors programmed into Penance to prevent her from revealing her true identity! Mike: Despite the fact that Penny was supposed to be deaf & mute, Hama somehow found a way to screw that up as well Nicole (Visibly upset) Oh, Monet! It's like we stole your life! And all this time... You stood watch over us when we were in the coma! Jubilee: It's ok kiddo! I'm fairly certain that if you had been given the opportunity you'd want to stay in that Coma until Issue #51! What kind of pain have you endurred & not been embittered!! Crow: Your pain!? Mike: We have to read this filth! Almost every week! But there is a way that Claudette & I can make it up to you! Mike: We'll track down the writer & impale him with pens. First we have to merge again... (Claudette & Nicole began the merging process. Page 17) And then we have to merge with Monet/ Penance! Crow: Without loss of our arms Caption 1: The two forms coal'esce into a single entity. Caption 2: And then diverse again (We see that Monet & Penance are 2 separate beings again) Monet: It's me again! I have my old body back! Tom: Dude! She's hot! Jubilee: Trust me, she ain't all that. Tom: Oh, care to explain your apperence with Ms. St. Croix in "Round 1 and a half"? (Jubilee grabs Tom by the head) Jubilee: Wanna become the first gumball machine in orbit?!! Crow: Know your limits, bad. But....that means Nicole and Claudette are trapped in the form of Penance! (Page 18. Switch to somewhere beyond the dark side of the moon.) Crow: In space, no one can hear you scream. Especially after reading this. Alien 1: Battle Station, The humanoids of Sol III are attacking us with plasma weapons. Alien Captain: Incorrect energy signature for plasma cannons, you saline deficient blastopod... Mike: Star Wars this ain't Crow & Jubilee(humming the Star Wars theme) da-da-da-da-da , da da da-crap da-da-da-da crap ---- ...It's some sort of ion flux Jubilee: I used to watch that on MTV. Mike: Really? You understood it? Jubilee: Hell no. Alien 2: That would be indicitive of a reality worm anomaly. Crow: (Imitating Spock): Captain, I found a malevolent being posing insecret as a Comic book writer abroad this vessel Mike: (Imitating Kairi) Spock, we must destroy, this evil being, before he, steals my hair piece! (Some :Woman appears from a rift) Jubilee: Geez, wonder if she shared wardrobe with Frosty. Tom: Do all Marvel woman dress like that? Mike: Ease up on the drool, buddy. Bianca: Greetings creatins, nice intersteller transport you have here! Crow: (imitating Austin Powers) All the better for shagging yeah, baby, yeah! Alien 3: Arrgh!! A carbon cycle biped! Definately mammalia~ Mike: And those are not implants Alien 4: It just slid in through a dimensional warp! Alien 5: Slag it! Crow(Imitating Lobo) No, its frag, ya bastich, frag! Jubilee: Yeah, he was the main man... till Wolvie mopped the floor with him (Page 19. Bianca unleashed her powers ) Bianca: Your puny particle weapons can't harm me.... I'm Bianca LaNeige & I have the power to transform your corparal form Mike: Into what?, Insurance salesman. Jubilee: Copyright Lawyers Crow: More Hama's From now on, you are my loyal dwarves Mike: (Puts down head & cries) Tom: There, there pal, it'll be all over Crow: God, I hope so. Warp, Stinky, Spikey, Greasy, Brainy, & Blurry! Jubilee: Ya forgot a few. Mike: Yeah, like Stupid, Crappy, Lousy, Shitty, John, Paul, Ringo, George & Tito! There that's better! All: NO IT AIN'T!! A bit more presentable & much more usefull! Now, let's get down to the busuness of turning this ship around & getting to where we have to get to. Tom: As far away from this turd as possible! (Page 20) I've been trapped in a rogue dimension for too long! Luckily I found someone who had the power to send me back! Brainy:We need a course head, Captain Tom: Go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass go, do not beg for forgiveness. Bicara: We are going to Snow Valley , Massechusetts, USA, Earth.. I have some old scores to settle with the nasty piece of work who exiled me to that other reality.... Mike: I'd prefer if you'd stay home My former compatriot of the Hellfire Club, Emma Frost! (Page 21. Back on Earth) Jubilee: Look Monet, your sisters did this for you because they love ya! You gotta accept it. Mike: What Hama can get others to say. Jubilee: Wasn't by choice Paige: Right. Now that we know who she is & how Penance came into being, we can begin to search for ways to help! Monet: I'm afraid the only way to put things right is to force Emplate to reverse the spell! Jubilee: But first, months of group therapy will make us a better family. Paige: It must be hard to imagine what it must be like for two minds to merge into one conciousness... Does one or the other of the twin "take over" from time to time? Looks to me like Claudette, the autistic twini is in the drivers seat right now. Crow: She's driving right off the cilff, too! (Page 22. It's almost over. Thank God...) Angelo: I dunno what that scam was,you pulled on Auther about Dorian & Weasel, but don't you get any idea about going after 'em yourself!!! Jono: That's a policy we're not prepared to back, Ev.. Ev: Revenge is the last thing on my mind. Jubilee: Heavens Forbid we don't try to go get some of the two idiots whe beat you like a red-headed stepchild. Mike: Maybe we's planning a kinder, gentler ass kicking. After all, Jono HAS been in his fair share of barroom brawls All I want to do is find Gaia, & to do that I'm going to roll over to Monet & find out from her what happened to her. Crow: He has no interest in you, but he is almost eager to find out the whereabouts of a girl who has no intimate intrests in him whatsoever. There's a sign here, Jubes Jubilee: Say that again, birdboy & we're going round & round Sean: What I would give to know what's goin' on through her head... Emma: Do you want me to find out. Sean: No, Emma Mike: She ASKED for permission to look into their minds? Tom: There's a first. We've got no right to invade her privacy & more'n lokely the notions waftin' through her mind are no more dangerous than that fallin' star. Tom: As recent movies prove, falling rocks from space are harbingers of stupid stories! (As Penance looks at the falling star, it's revealed to be a spaceship.) Tom: It is done. Mike: Man, I've got a headache Jubilee: Sure it ain't a brain tumor (Mike, Jubilee & the bots leave) 1,2,3,4,5,6, shove the bone up Hama's ass (Jubilee & Kairi are working on the control panels & hold out remote controls as Mike & the bots comes in) Jubilee: What's up? Kairi: You guys OK? Mike: Man, that was, like, totally moronic. Tom: The epitome of evil. Crow: I gotta know something, Jubes. Jubilee: Shoot. Crow: Now, it was establised that Penny was 14, right? Jubilee: Yeah Crow: Also, her name was Yvette, right? Jubilee:Yes Crow: And she's also from Yugoslavia & she's deaf & mute. Kairi: Bingo Crow: SO WHY THE HELL DID HAMA CHANGE IT ALL AROUND?!?!?! Kairi: Well, he doesn't like the comic anyway. Plus he must have figured that everyone would forget about Gateway. When he first brought her to Gen-X, it was revealed in issue 25 that he said "pennace" because he wanted forgivness for his past deeds, it wasn't her name.. Jubilee: Totally. Gypsy(from offstage): It's Pearl. Mike: Hey doc! (Castle Forrester. Pearl is somewhat astounded at how the group has survived while Bobo & the Observer bandage themselves up.) Pearl: Hmmm, the most foul piece of comic literature I could find, excluding Ben Raab's work on Excalibur & you somehow survive. Even those cute little lab mice I had commited suicide after being expose to this. No matter, I'm sure the next project I send you will be farmore painful. But don't get too worried about that, 'cause your new friends will be staying there for quite awhle. (Back to SOL) Kairi: WHAT?! Why you fat overinflated marshmellow sucking dominatrix, I'll--- Jubilee: Chill dude, I got itunder control, remember? Kairi: Eh?, Oh right. Jubilee: I had Kairi convince your little lab monkey to give a few choice parts from your labs to thank you for putting us all through hell. Mike, flip those two switches on the control panel. Mike: Oh, sure. Like this? (Mike pulls a few levers & Jubilee presses a couple of buttons on her remote. Almost immediatley, everybody switches places. Pearl, the Observer & Bobo are on the Satellite of Love while Mike, the bots, Gypsy, Cambot, Jubilee & Kairi are at Castle Forrester. Hey, Cambot needs at least one mention somewhere.) Gypsy: Oh my stars! Tom: We're free!! Free I say Crow: Jubilee, you magnificent bastard! Jubilee: Thanks, I think. Mike: Wow, thanks Jubes. But what's preventing that Observer from zapping us back? Kairi: The Particle Psi Dispenser Shield that I set up will keep that bald dude from using his brain on us. Jubilee: You built that? Kairi: Hang around Washu long enough & she starts to rub off of you. (Back to SOL. Pearl is ticked off) Pearl: Ok, Bobo, Brain Guy, start talking. Bobo: Well you see Lawgiver, he was, um, very nice when he called, we talked about oh, usual stuff like pancakes, Darwin, construction of a hydrogen powered Mech, why Charlton Heston kicked ass in Planet Of The Apes.... Observer: He promised us dates!! All the Marvel Superheronies we could handle. He even gave us phone numbers!!! (Castle Forrester) Jubilee: Did you---- Kairi: And risk another volley of lightning bolts by Storm? Hell no, I gave them the numbers for the Image girls. Tom: Don't worry Pearl, we've got a special treat for your stay! Tell them what they won, Mike! Mike: You get to watch the special, 7 year run of the best of Segal, Van-Damme, Costner, Russel & Scenider!! Watch such classics as "The Glimmer Man", "Knock-Off", "The Postman", "Soldier" & "Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigelo"!! Kairi: Plus, I left you an extra special surprise! Jubilee: Catch ya crazy kids later!! Mike: Where should we go first? Kairi: Let's go to Akiibara. We can get a bundle for these gadgets & inventions. Tom: Not to mention a Pocketstation Crow: You'd have better luck finding an RPG for the N64. Mike: I here sushi's good. (Mike & everyone else leaves. Back to SOL) Pearl: Stuck at this shitty space station with you two nimrods watching lame films. Can it get any more pathetic than this? Bobo: Look lawgiver, I believe this small yellow rodent is their little gift. (Bobo holds up a Pikachu) Pikachu: Pika! Pika pika pikachu! Pearl: Put that little freak down! Observer: Um,bad move..... Pearl: Why, what is that little rat gonna.... (Pikachu starts glowing) Pikachu: Pikaaaa...... Observer: Oh pooh. (Lights go out) Pikachu: CHUUUU!!!!! -End- Zinger Line- "Will ye look at the lad now---Dead to the world but his subconcious is playin' with fire..." -Sean -Yeah, I noticed that I freed them. Well, at the time I wrote this, It was a month before the final episode & well. I wasn't too sure they'd leave that place. Also, I think that anyone that reads that evil comic DESERVES a big reward!!! I hope no one minded the onslaught of lesbian jokes, but I used to watch a LOT of Ellen.....Seriously though it was a lot of fun & I hope you enjoyed it. Until the next "No Need For Hama!" tale later....
