ANIME FUN WITH HAMA! (Now with Extra Insanity!)
written by:
MisaoChen & Shadow Sage
Disclaimer: OK, OK, look, neither MisaoChen or the Shadow Sage (Known as
Anita & Kairi) own none of the characters within this tale. No, we don't.
Wish we did, but we don't. As you know, this is her very first fanfic &,
well darn it, I was hoping she'd come to me for advice. Well, I asked if I
can rewrite this tale for her & she gave me the big Ok. I won't actually be
changing too much, I'm adding some stuff. Well, we hope you enjoy this mind
numbing fic.
MisaoChen sat back in her comfy chair after completing her
assignment.Instead of going to school that week, MisaoChen joined a program
called "Co-op" which allowed students to work one week, and go to school the
next week.
"What a view " MisaoChen sighed as she looked out of the window. Not only did
she get a great job in Manhattan working at a bank, but she also got her own
desk and a sprawling view of the Big Apple. She could see the buildings,
sometimes a plane flying in, and one of the living weapons from Final
Fantasy 7 hovering about.
"WHAT!" MisaoChen yelled falling off her chair. " No way!"
Then the unbelievable happened: the weapon was being chased by Sailor Moon,
riding on a winged horse and whining about justice and how she couldn't
forgive the weapon for attacking Manhattan. (Kairi's note: Is there any
chance she'll ever cut to the chase & open a can o' whoop ass on her foes?)
"Man can this get any weirder?"
Suddenly, both the weapon and Sailormoon was blown away by an up close &
very personal attack from NEO BAHAMUT.
(Anita's note: I know he doesn't come to the enemies but I wanted him to
make a special exception for Sailormoon...) The multi winged dragon
screeched in triumph as Sailor moon's steed staggered off while she mu,bled
"No Darien, I don't think it looks that good on you..."
"Watch them sizzle!" Jubilee smiled in a rather gleeful yet mischevious
fashion.
MisaoChen turned her head towards Jubilee, who had just entered the office.
She was wearing her usual clothes and had her sunglasses on.
"Haven't seen you since Kairi's last adventure" MisaoChen said to Jubilee
(Author's note: I was in Kairi's "Jubilee's Revenge". And yes my name is
Anita.)
"Yeah and this time we really will drive Hama to the edge" Jubilee said with
a scary, almost murderous determination,
"I thought he was committed. How'd he show up again?" Anita asked.
"The morons at Marvel hired him again! Somehow he got better!" Jubilee
explained. "Somehow I knew everything was too perfect."
"So what do you need me for?" MisaoChen asked almost afraid of the answer.
"Aw, don't worry 'bout it, just thinking maybe ya want to tag along and
watch Hama suffer again" Jubilee cheerfully replied. "Right now, Little
Washu sent Hama on a trip Nermia!"
"You mean...." MisaoChen's eyes widened as a evil smile broke on her face,
the sunlight reflecting off her glasses.
Jubilee revealed her most evil smile yet. "Ranma and company are welcoming
him now."
Kairi, having just survived Washu's latest experiment, decided to visit the
Tendo dojo again. In his rather exhausted state, he thought to himself
'Maybe,just maybe, I'll have a quiet, if not normal rest from the real
world. Then again it's the Tendo's'. After having to deal with his part of
the agreement with Washu (See "Jubilee's Revenge") He wanted any kind of
rest! "I just hope the others don't get wind of this." He sighed as he
turned the corner, carefully avoiding the old lady that tossed water out onto
her garden. "Just what I need, to continue my journey as Kitsune-kun."
(Kairi's note: I finally came up with a name for my cursed fox form. Cute,
ne?)
"Hama no Baka!"
Kairi froze in his tracks when he reached the Tendo's doorstep. (That voice
came from the dojo. That's Akane!)
"The hell!" Kairi yelled, dropping his backpack. "Did I just hear Hama"!"
"Yo Kairi!"
Kairi turned around. It was Jubilee and Anita, who just arrived from the
city.
"Hi Jubilee! Hey An-"
"MisaoChen!" MisaoChen interrupted. "In this silly fanfiction I'm MisaoChen
not Anita!"
"Hey, whatever works. What the hell is going on here?" Kairi asked. "Didn't
we already mess up Hama up to the point where he's beyond sane, or at least
crazy enough to watch 2 hours of WCW Nitro?"
"Yeah, but this time we're making SURE he stays insane!!" Jubilee replied
with heroic determination.
(So much for that peaceful rest!) Kairi thought, not being at all pleased
that their previous attempts were somewhat less than ideal. (At least I get
to watch Hama get his ass whooped again!)
Hama, bruised & somewhat despondent, looked like he had seen better days.
First after taking his old job back at Marvel (which shows the amount of
intelligence in managment today) he was torn away from his
office and sent to place that looks like Japan but in an anime form. He also
concluded that he was in an anime world because because Mousse came at him
with a crapload of sharp weapons at top speed, more than he usually carried.
At the same time, Shampoo gave chase with her bonbari and yelled "Die Hama!"
chasing him while swinging at Hama's head. Huffing and buffing, Hama ran for
his life, muttering "I swear to Kami-Sama himself, I'd rather work for DC
than ever endure this again!" But unfortunatley he bumped into Ryoga,
causing the always lost martial artist to fall into a nearby pond turning
him into a black piglet. Hama for a minute just stared in awe. Never in his
life did he see anything like that. "Geez, the giant talking weasel's
bizarre enough, but THIS?" Just as Hama was about to continue running,Akane
came from the Tendo Dojo, saw Hama & P-Chan in the pond, put two & two
together & screamed "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY P-CHAN?!?!" (In case you
don't watch Ranma 1/2, P-Chan, aka Ryoga, is Akane's pet)
Before Hama could react, he was sent on a first class trip through the dojo
roof, care of Akane's fist.
Jubilee, MisaoChen, and Kairi watched in twisted glee at all the things
being done to him by Akane, who was still seriously angry. As she repeatedly
slammed Hama into the ground, Hama made the king of all errors. Grovelling
on the floor, Hama gasped "Uncute tomboy." The next thing Hama knew, his
face was driven right through the floor into the dirt below. A few seconds
later, Ranma's foot would give Hama's chiropractor some serious work to do.
"Hey, if anybody's gonna call that unappealing girl uncute around here,
it's me!" Ranma yelled. A split second later, he realized his error. He
didn't have to turn around to know that Akane was a glowing an unearthly
blue aura, holding a particul;arly heavy wooden cabinet.
"This'll hurt."
As the cabinet broke over Ranma's head, Emma walked in, arms folded.
"Oh great, you!" Hama spat out, what do you want with me now?"
"The team would REALLY like to thank you for all the effort you've put
into nearly destroying our credibility." Emma stated. "We didn't think our
previous efforts were so convincing, so we need to be more...blunt shall I
say?"
Hama gulped, knowing how vengeful Emma could be. MisaoChen and Kairi
looked at each other. "OH BOY!"
First Penance (or Monet's twin sister or some other twisted plotline
Hama wrote) came slashing at Hama, completely tearing off his pants to reveal
a pair of boxers with little devils on them. Then attacked Sean using his
sonic scream on Hama. Basically, he yelled "YA NOTHIN' BUT A TALENTLESS
WORM BRAINED EUNICH!!!"
"Somehow that makes sense." Jubilee mused
Emma concentrated and gave Hama a horrible vision, something that no
human mind could withtand-- Barney and his friends singing "I
Love You" in stereo, with a full orchestra, backed up by L. Brent Bozell &
several members of the PTC. (Kairi's note: try to censor my wrestling will
ya?! FEEL THE WRATH OF A PISSED OFF WRITER YOU FOOLS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
As Hama writhed in agony, Kairi said to Emma "Err, can we talk?
In the dining room, Kasumi sat & set several bowls of miso soup down as
MisaoChen asked "Whatever possesed you to use BARNEY?" Emma shrugged her
shoulders & replied "Oh, I could have used any image to torture him. Like
blood sucking leeches on his chest or rabid dogs at his heels or Kairi
playing an air guitar in his boxers while singing 'Enter Sandman'..."
"Hey!" Kairi protested. "No offense Kairi, but paisly boxers are not
you." Emma smiled. "Wait a sec how'd ya....Nabiki." Kairi groaned.
"Someone mention me?" Nabiki asked as she sat down at the table.
"Nabiki, I think it's time you tell him what you did." Kasumi said to her
sister. "Oh, you mean about the last time he stayed here?" Nabiki raised an
eyebrow. "Don't tell me you didn't figure it out?"
Kairi's face flushed red as he prayed in his mind, 'Kami-Sama, PLEASE
tell me she didn't do what I think she did'. "Um, what did you do?"
"I took a few pictures of you while you were here. Actually I take a
lot of pictures of those other guys as well, but you were the easiest to
take secret pictures of. Let's just say that Ev & you look VERY nice in
boxers." (Somewhere at the academy, Ev sneezed.)
"NANI?!" The look of embarrasment on Kairi's face became prominent as
he asked "Just how many of these 'pics' did you sell?"
"A lot." Looking around the table, Kairi noticed that Emma slyly smiled
to herself & Nabiki & Jubilee began to giggle. Kasumi just had that plesant
smile as she always had, so Kairi automatically KNEW that she'd never do
such a thing. He turned to MisaoChen...& received a foot in his face.
"BAKA YAROU! Just what kinda hentai do you think I am?!"
"Good point." Kairi turned to Nabiki. "Ok, just as long as you didn't
sell any of those pics to You-Know-Who, I'm happy."
"Well, she bought the bulk of them. But you see there were the other
pictures she wanted & well---"
"WHAT other pictures?"
"I kinda caught you in the shower." Kairi facefaulted, wondering if it
was too late to hide in a convent. He didn't even flinch as he felt Yuffie
glomp onto him as she sat next to him "Any other surprises you wanna shock
me with?"
"Is it me or am I the only one who's really happy right now?" Yuffie
beamed.
Soun & Genma entered the living room as Soun noted "Now what is this
all about?" Hama was laying on the floor, drooling as he repeated the song
over & over. "Poor creature, looks like he's been through the very depths of
hell itself...wait, no it's just Hama."
"You know," soun started "Washu did say she needed to find a test
subject for her experiment in interacting with devenomized giant Juraian
Waterbats."
"Not a bad idea." Genma agreeded. "I'll make the call."
MisaoChen sat on the couch, sipping her green tea at the Tendo's house
pondering about what happened that day. 'Oh well at least the Gen-X team is
happy', she mused as she watched Sasami compete on Iron Chef. Nearby Kairi
was talking with Ranma. "Ya know, for being a great martial artist, how can
you be so stupid when it comes to women?"
"What do ya mean?" Ranma asked. "You know you're gonna get the hell
beat outta you every time you insult Akane, yet you go & blurt it out. You
got a appetite for pain or something?"
"Yes Ranma," Akane asked as she appeared behind him. "Why can't you say
one nice thing about me?" A sweatdrop appeared on Ranma's forehead as he
said to Kairi "Speaking of big mouths, how many people havbe died because of
your honesty, Kairi?"
"You don't wanna know."
"At least I'm on vacation and I have a interesting view in front of
me". MisaoChen smiled, watching Akane chase Ranma with a giant mallet around
and Ranma chasing Kairi yelling "This is all your fault she's chasing me you
idiot!"
"ME? Yor're the one who just said that she might be upgraded from
uncute to barely appealing in a thousand years!!"
As Mihoshi & Angelo walked on the streets of Nerima, Angelo asked
"Don't worry, Mousse will be out of the hospital in a few days."
"I know, but why would he ever mistake that pack of steroid induced
chihuahuas for a bunch of bunnies?"
"Hey, hombre's lucky he can even walk right now." Their conversation
was interupted as Kairi suddenly burst through the wooden gate they walked
in front of. "Oh, hey!" he gasped.
"Wow, you look really stressed out," Mihoshi noted. "Did you have a bad
day?"
A giant budda statue broke over Kairi's head as he said "Well, now that
you mention it, things have been rather normal."
"Geez, could you get me into any more trouble than usual?" Ranma asked
Kairi.
"Eh, Ranma?"
"Yeah?"
"What were you running from? Or, specifically WHO?"
"KUSO!"
A few seconds later Ranma was sent screeching into the skies over
Nerima as Akane's mallet lay smoking on the ground. "By the way, I heard
about what oneechan did." Akane said. "I'll make sure that she gives you
half the yen she made"
"What did she do?" Angelo inquiered "Oh, don't play around Angelo,"
Mihoshi said. "I'm sure they already know you helped Nabiki take the
pictures."
"EXCUSE ME?!?" Akane & Kairi yelled
"I mean it not like Kairi's not ashamed or anything, I mean the burn
scars on your chest really don't seem that bad!* Of course the shower
pictures kinda made me blush--" Angelo's eyes twitch as Mihoshi described
what she saw in all 22 photos, noting every detail, adding to Kairi's
mixture of rage & embarrassment. As Mihoshi finished, Angelo asked "Uh,
you're not gonna do what I think you're about to do are you." Kairi's left
eye glowed red. "Angelo, you're insured right?"
Try to imagine the sound of a F-16 breaking the sound barrier. The
noise that Kairi made as he kicked Angelo to the farthest island around
Japan was louder.
"My, how he flies." Mihoshi noted. "But how did Yuffie get here so
quickly?" Yuffie had once again latched onto Kairi as she said "Hey, love
propelled me."
"Sure it's not the other L word?" Akane laughed. "Wanna go to Ukyo's?"
"Sure. Wanna go Mihoshi?"
"Ok!"
As the group went on their way, Kairi sighed &, for the moment
defeated, put a arm around Yuffie. 'Can't run all the time from her' he
thought 'But I sure as hell tried.'
*In reality, I do have some burn scars on my right arm as well as part of my
chest.This is what happens when 3 year olds get near boilng kettles of
water. There's yer safety lesson for the day kids, now let me sleep!
ZZZZZZZZZZ.........
