COOKING WITH JUBILEE AGAIN
(The Uncut Version)
written by
Kairi "Shadow Sage" Taylor
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
WARNING: The last time I wrote this, I was unable to really write the rest
of the story because I lost the last 2 pages. So I said, after days of
serious thinking "Fuck it, lets put something new." There's naughty language
ahead kiddies, not to mention scenes of really bizzare violence. You've been
warned....By the way, this is really not meant to be published since the
volume of foul language is quite, er, huge, so to whomever wants to post it,
go ahead.
(The scene is the kitchen. Jubilee & Paige are standing next to a stove with
Kairi. All are wearing aprons. On the stove, a huge metal pot & pan await.
Also nearby on the counter are several ingredients & a package of ground
beef)
Jubilee: Hey folks, welcome to yet another tasty installment of Cooking With
Jubilee!
Paige: Better known as edible disasters!
Jubilee: Cool it!
Paige: Well, it's true...
Jubilee: Anyway, today, I'm gonna make ya a special treat! We'll learn to
cook...
Kairi: Ahem.
Paige: Hmmm?
Kairi: We're forgetting one detail.
Paige: Oh yeah. By the way folks, we don't work for Kairi. Marvel's the guys
in charge. No one's earning any cash or anything, so don't sue.
Kairi: Yeah, that too. No, actually I was referring to another matter.
Thanks to 'The Spaghetti Incident'*, we had to make a few additions.
Jubilee: Are your neighbors still mad?
Kairi: The restraining order was the first clue, right?
Paige: What additions? ( Kairi points outside the window. Jubilee pulls back
the shades and sees squads of paramedics, police cars, S.W.A.T. vans, army
battallions & a giant Mech standing at
attention)
Paige: Gee, hope you didn't forget anything.
Kairi: Yes, well, let's get down to business shall we?
Jubilee: Right. Today, we'll be making Kairi's personal recipe, Death Valley
Chilli.
Paige: Death Valley Chilli? You mean...
Jubilee(nodding): Yes, the very same chilli that's been outlawed in 20
countries.
Kairi: That's not true.
Paige: If I remember, No one food is responsible for the whole country of
Bulgaria to come down with nationwide poisoning.
Kairi: Well, the emmissary was kind enough to apologize before taking back
that declaration of war,right?
Jubilee: Then I guess we'll just ignore that little international law
declaring it to be a biological weapon.
Kairi: Can we get on with this?
Paige: Yes we wasted enough time.
Jubilee: Right. First we're gonna need some ground beef (takes package of
ground beef from counter) Oh, perfect, it's not fully defrosted. Well, I can
easily fix that.(taking off plastic wrapping, Jubilee uses her paffs (?) to
defrost the beef.)
Paige: You know, they have a little invention called a microwave to heat
that up.
Jubilee: And I suppose you have something much faster?
Paige: And more hygienic, I might add.
Jubilee: Well, it's defrosted, so the next thing you should do is get
yourself a bottle of cooking oil & a frying pan, mainly the nonstick type.
(Kairi picks up the frying pan & pours in a little of the oil, spreading it
around the pan, then sets it down on the stove & turns it on.)
Jubilee: Set the burner to 350 degrees & get set to put the ground beef in.
Now for the spices & stuff.
Paige: Or, the main poisons.
Kairi: Hey, don't knock it until ya try it!
Paige: If I wanna live to see 80, I won't try it.
Jubilee: Look, is this "Cooking With Jubilee" or "Sarcasm for Dummies"?
Chill out, comprende? Now let's see what we got...chilli powder, black
pepper, adobo, red pepper, ingredient X...huh?
Paige: And what, pretell, is ingredient X?
Kairi: I invoke my 5th amendment privileges.
Jubilee: Wait a sec, is this the same stuff you put in the burgers for the
Avengers Banquet?
Kairi: Yep.
Paige: As I recall, the Avengers & half the guests were sent to the hospital
to have their stomachs pumped!
Kairi: Look, who're ya gonna believe, me or some silver surfin' out of work
jabroni who flew around puking on half the city?!
Paige: Dr. Doom barfed in his friggin' helmet!! When was the last time you
heard Stan Lee scream 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT YOUR DAMN HELMET BACK ON!'?
Jubilee(totally ignoring them) Now, along with some diced onions & kidney
beans, mix 'em in withthe other stuff and--
Kairi: Wait, we're missing the most important ingredient!
Paige: What, potassium cyanide?
Jubilee: Ya know, for the so-called next leader of the X-Men, you seem to
have more sarcastic wit than a whole 'Daria' marathon!
Paige: Well, when Jono ate some of that 'food', he managed to take out half
of the lab while screaming for water. At least I THINK he said that. He was
speaking in tongues half th--
Jubilee: He doesn't even HAVE a fuckin' mouth!! How'd the hell he eat it?!?
Kairi: Ok, ok, enough! I just wanna know where's that pepper at?
Washu: Right here (Washu enters the kitchen with a small basket & Hideo
strapped to her back)
Jubilee: Hey, little Washu! What are you doing here?
Washu: Oh, you know, scientific experiments, taking care of our son here,
raiding hidden patches of rare, top secret Nevada super peppers.
Paige: Super peppers? As if the cooking wasn't dangerous enough...
Jubilee: I guess this puts the 'Death Valley' in Death Valley Chilli.
Paige: Now all you have to do is take the valley out & you have...
Kairi: Hey, people who mix pickles, french fries & vanilla ice cream for
their teachers shouldn't talk!
Jubilee: Oh, Frosty wanted to thank ya for setting up the Lamaze classes for
her.
Washu: Hey, no problem. By the way, where's the proud father?
(the scene shifts to a local cathedral, where Sean is speaking to a priest
in a confessional)
Sean: So then father, Emma n' I find this flask o' strange whiskey. We drink
some n' the next thing I know, we're stark nekkid! Then this weird gel,
Washu, who's really some sort o' goddess or sumthin', come's by with Kairi's
little lad & tells us we're gonna be parents. Then...
Priest's Voice: Please stop, I've had it. My shrink's gonna commit me if I
tell him another one of you psychos from the academy came here! First Hama,
then Kairi & now this! I quit!
(We return to the kitchen with Paige & Jubilee. Washu has left & Kairi
stepped out for a bit.)
Jubilee: Now that all the ingredients are mixed & cooking in the pan, we
take our big pot right here & prepare to fill it with our stuff, but first
we need to get the tomato paste.
Paige: Here's three cans (Paige holds up a few good sized cans of paste) But
there's no can opener.
Jubilee: C'mon, use yer head! Think of something.
(Paige shrugs her shoulders &, using her husking powers, turns her hands to
steel & rips the top of the cans off.)
Jubilee: O-kaaaay....Now, draining the pan of oil, dump all of this stuff
into the pan with the paste & boil 'em until it's time to eat.
Paige: How long will that take?
Jubilee: Well, we're in the middle of a story, right? All we have to do is
wait for one of those messages to appear & we'll be set.
Paige: You mean like this?
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER....WELL, MORE THAN LIKELY AN HALF HOUR. GIVE
ME A BREAK, I’M NOT EVEN TRUSTED BY MY OWN SISTER IN THE KITCHEN!!!
(Jubilee, Paige & Kairi are all at the table with Angelo, who has a bowl of
the chili in front of him. Next to the bowl is a 2 liter bottle of 7up.)
Jubilee: Ok, now it's time for the taste test!
Paige: Do you want your last rites, Angelo?
Angelo: I ain't too sure about this amigo.
Kairi: Dude, don't worry, it's harmless.
Angelo: So what's with the soda.
Kairi: Screw you man, that's my soda.
(Angelo, real nervous slowly takes a bite. Several spoonfuls later...)
Angelo: Hey, this ain't too bad!!
Jubilee: Success!!!
Paige: Well, I'm surprised!
Angelo: Hey vato, you got dessert?
Kairi: Right here! (Kairi produces a tray of apple turnovers)
Paige: Wow, they smell so fresh!
Pillsbury Doughboy(popping out of nowhere): That's because Pillsbury Apple
Turnove--
Angelo: Oh FUCK!
(Angelo proceeds to pull out a .44 Magnum & fires at the P.D., blowing him
up)
Kairi: HOLY SHIT!
Jubilee: Angelo!! What the fuck are you doing?
Paige: Mother fucker! I've got dough all on my goddamned shirt!!
Kairi: He shot the fucking Doughboy!!
Angelo: I couldn't help it, he came outta nowhere!
Jubilee: Shit, man!! Well, it can't be helped. Let's clean up, Paige get the
laundry, we'll get the mops.
Paige: Ok (picks up laundry basket) Nice smell to them.
Snuggles Bear (popping out from the basket) That's because Snuggles Fabric
Softner uses---
Angelo: SHIT!!!
(One gunshot later, Snuggles is blasted all over the area.)
Paige(pissed): YOU DUMB FUCK!!! YA ALMOST BLASTED MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!!
Jubilee: Well, ya killed again, twitchy!!
Angelo: Dudes, just chill!!
Kairi: Chill my arse! You just killed the fucking Snuggles Bear!!! What's
next, you barbecue Tony the Tiger? How 'bout nuking the Trix Rabbit? Or will
you try out for the endangered species list & kill the last fucking Dodo?
Jubilee: I think it's time we ended this.
Paige: Well, at least Angelo's still breathing. Normally, Kairi's cooking is
considered a lethal weapon.
Jubilee: You need to stop hanging out with Daria, ya know that?
(At this time, S.W.A.T. team members enter the fur & doughboy-gut filled
room)
SWAT 1: We heard gunshots! Is everything all ri--- Oh, fer God's sake, what
the hell is this?
Angelo: Well, uh, it's rather funny how this happened....
Paige: This bloodthirsty motherfucker just shot the Pillsbury Doughboy & the
Snuggles Bear with a hand cannon.
Kairi: Paige!!
Paige: Hey, it's the truth.
SWAT 2: Damn, what the hell am I stepping in?
Jubilee: Looks like... ew, grossness!! Dough boy intestines!
SWAT 3: Oh, super fucking weak dude....(begins to puke on the floor)
Jubilee: Shit, now Frosty's gonna get pissed! We now have to deal with
cleaning up dough & fur, as well as vomit.
Kairi: It still beats the midnight shift at McDonald's.
SWAT 1: Not so fast, we have to take the remains of the two victims for
analysis.
Angelo: What remains? They were just blasted to the four corners of this
kitchen!
SWAT 1: Look, Dirty Harry, it's not my fault you went apeshit. It's just
standard procedure. (Walks over to get a glass a water)
Paige: Um, officer?
SWAT 1: Yes?
Paige: You just stepped on the Doughboy's head.
SWAT 1: Aw, shit!!
Stagehand(O.S.): Hey, Jubes!
Jubilee: Yeah, what is it!
Stagehand: The corporation in charge of the Pillsbury DB & that really
fucking cute bear wanna see you & the others in their office.
Jubilee: The hell?!
(Switch to the lobby of a big corporate building. Jubilee, Angelo & Kairi
are talking while Paige looks at the directory.)
Angelo: So. how do you think they'll handle this?
Jubilee: Well, they were cute, cuddly tools of a faceless corporation, so
most likely they'll probably try to find some way of horribly suing us to
extinction.
Angelo: Hey, I just had a thought.
Paige(To herself): There's a first.
Angelo: We're still filming this. Is this really needed?
Jubilee: 'Course it is!! I wanna show the world how to deal with
corporations in a real tense situation.
Kairi:Hey, look what's going on over there. (Kairi points to a bunch of kids
& the Trix rabbit.)
T. Rabbit: C'mon, give me some! Is one bowl too much?
Kid 1: Look, for the last fucking time, get the hell outta our faces before
we break your kneecaps!
Kid 2: Yeah, you punk ass rabbit! Don't you get it, you can't eat any, so
fuck off!
Paige: Damn, you never see THIS in the commercials (Kairi starts walking
over towards the little group.) Hey, Kairi, what are you doing?
Kairi: I've always wanted to do this. (Kids notice Kairi)
Kid 3: What do you want, slapnuts?
(In 4 seconds, Kairi boots the little punks, Akane-style, out of the
building, through the roof.)
Kairi(Yelling to the sky): QUIT PICKING ON THE RABBIT!!! (Turns to the T.
Rabbit & hands him some cash & a card) Look, here's a fifty. Go out & buy
all the Trix & milk ya want on me. If anybody gets in yer face, just call us
& we'll, uh, take care of business so to speak.
T. Rabbit: You can do that?
Angelo: Totally! Just ask the Lucky Charms gringo! No little kids will be
stealing his food while he's still payin' us.
(Minutes later, the gang are in front of the law office of BFCR, or Big
Faceless Corporate Represenitives.)
Jubilee: Look, we have an appointment with yer bosses, Ok? We're here on
time, so can ya please stop what you're doing for just a moment & buzz us
in?
Male Secretary: Look, I'm on my break, alrighty? I'm relaxing on my own
time, & if it's on my time that you need to get in there, than tough. Just
wait for twenty minutes 'til I'm good 'nd ready to let you in.
Angelo: Is it really that hard for you to just for ten seconds call your
head honcho's & say we're on time for our appointment.
M.S.: Look, I don't give a rat's ass if you're on time or not, you're gonna
wait & there's not a damn thing you can do about it....
(On cue, Kairi pulls out a golf club & whacks the M.S. across the head
repeatedly, then proceeds to clothesline him, all the while beginning the
process of pummeling him. At one point he shines the golf club, turns it
sideways &...well let's just say it involves the M.Secretary's candy ass.)
Paige: Well, I guess this is one situation where total, unyielding violence
pays off.(Doors to office open & a female rep comes out, accompanied by
Warren Ellis.)
Female Rep: We're ready to see you now.
Ellis: Hey, how are you guys?
Jubilee: Can we talk? (Jubilee walks over to Ellis & socks him in the jaw.)
Ellis: Hey, what gives?
Jubilee: I'll tell ya what gives, you moron. The material you're writing for
us is the most boring crap I've seen yet.
Ellis: Hey, I'm doing my best! Really!
Jubilee: YA KILLED OFF EVERETT, YA FUCKING BABBOON!! WE ARE NOT GEN 13,
WE'RE GENERATION FUCKING X!!!!
Angelo: Warren, I think you better get together with Wood & come up with
some better storylines, otherwise, we'll unleash her on you...WITHOUT her
prozac.
Paige: Him too. (Points to Kairi, who has just finished pummeling his victim
with a steel chair.)
Kairi: Ok, I'm set, lets go.
(Switch to the lawyer's office. Angelo, Jubilee, Kairi & Paige are shown to
their seats. At the table are three lawyers in suits, a male lawyer, a
female lawyer & an old male lawyer.)
Male Lawyer: Ah, welcome!
Female Lawyer: Glad you could make it!
Kairi: What the--
Angelo: This is scary. I've never known lawyers to be so...happy.
Paige: OK, What's up?
Old Lawyer: Our represenitives are kinda happy now, thanks to your rather
violent actions as of late.
Kairi: They are?
O.L.: Yes, you see, they were not getting the results that they wanted. For
years, we have been trying to tap into the youth of America.
Kairi: Dude, we do use your stuff. You have any idea the terrors of living
on a college campus without good food, or having to endure sleeping next to
a pile of dirty clothes?
Angelo: Think that's bad, amigo you should smell Jono's laundry!!!
M.L.: Yes, well with the rather unexpected brutal slaying of our mascots in
your rather psychotic hands, we're poised to bring out the next generation
of corporate mascots. (The Old Lawyer claps his hands & the Pillbury
Doughboy & the Snuggles Bear, or their clones, hop on the table)
Paige: Err...
Jubilee: Um, wow.
Angelo: Ok, can you explain what the hell is going on?
Kairi: They look exactly the same!
F.L.: Oh, but they're not. Just interact with them & see how they respond.
Jubilee: Alrighty. (Jubilee tries to poke P.D. in the stomach. Her hand is
slapped away by the Doughboy.)
P.D.: Hey! Don't touch me or I'll beat the shit outta ya, ugly ass mofo!
Jubilee: WHAT? Listen bitch, I'll beat the living daylight outta ya--(Paige
& Angelo began to restrain Jubilee)
Kairi: Did the Pillsbury Doughboy just say what I thought he said?
M.L.: What, shit?
Kairi: No, mofo.
O.L: Well, we're only trying to reflect the personalities of the youth of
today.
Jubilee: Someone's been watching WAYYYY too much South Park!
Angelo: At least they kept the little bear nice & cuddly.
Snuggles: You bet your fucking ass I'm cute, jerkoff! Let me tell ya, you
don't buy our product, I'm coming to your house & I'll bust a cap all in yo'
ass, ugly ass grey mutha fucka!!
Angelo: YOU LITTLE (Angelo starts cursing in Spanish. Which would have been
a riot had the author not totally stunk at Spanish back in high school.)
Kairi: You can't seriously be thinking about realising these two twisted
foul mouthed bastards on the food industry, do you? This'll cause a major
catastrophe! Little kids will be heavily warped even more than what daytime
soaps, talk shows or the Republican Convention has already done.
O.L.: Well, if you didn't kill off our previous mascots, we wouldn't be
having this discussion, would we?
Angelo: Who the hell told you to put those little castrated butt fuckers on
anyway?
P.D.: Hey, don't talk to our boss like that, shit eater!!
Angelo: Fuck you, koala raping asswipe!!
(A shrill whistle is blown. Paige lowers the whistle from her mouth &
crosses her arms.)
Paige: Clearly, this can't be settled by rational minds. If you will agree
to it, there is one place to put this to rest.
Kairi: You mean Judge Mills Lane?
Paige: No, I was actually thinking of a place where you would have an
advantage (whispers to self) & if this plan works, we'll kill two birds with
one stone.
Jubilee: Where?
(Cut to the Kitchen Arena, home to the Iron Chef show. The stage area is
darkened as the audience awaits the battle that is about to occur. In the
audience, Washu, Paige & Ranma are watching)
Ranma: Ok, let me see if I understand this. You've gotten the five most
dangerous cooks among our group & pitted them against the lawyers & the two
mascots in a cooking contest?
Paige: Yes indeedie!!
Ranma: What the hell are you thinking?
Paige: Don't worry, with Washu's help, this will all make sense!
Washu: Or start a disaster that could possibly destroy downtown Tokyo.
Ranma: Godzilla's done that to death already, so it really wouldn't make a
difference.
(A spotlight is lit as the show's host, Takeshi Kaga, walks into the arena)
Kaga: If memory serves me right, there was a time when cute mascots were
kept timeless by there carefree attitudes & their willingness tp please us,
no matter what. Unfortunatley, in these changing times, corporations greedy
for money have tainted their true purpose, making them tools of the almighty
yen.
Kairi(O.S.): Dollar!
Kaga: Whatever. Today, two warring factions will decide the fate of the food
mascot world! (Bites into yellow pepper)
Ranma: When will he ever finish eating that pepper?
Paige: It's kinda like asking when will we see a decent Police Academy
movie-never.
(All the lights are turned on in the Kitchen Arena. On stage are the lawyers
& the two evil mascots, who are met with a chorus of boos.)
P.D.: Eh, fuck you dinner mashers!
Snuggles: Fluff this! (Gives audience the finger & grabs his crotch.)
Kaga: Now, for our champions. They are among our most feared, most sinister,
most dangerous Iron Chefs here. Their cooking is so hazardous, our usual
panel of celeberty judges flat out refused to come, out of fear for their
lives, as well as their fully functioning digestive systems. I present to
you-THE FIVE DEADLY VENOMS!!
(On cue, the Five Deadly Venoms, which comprise of Kairi, Jubilee, Ryoko,
Ayeka & Akane, appear on stage. Yeah, like you didn't see Akane's arrival a
mile away.)
Ayeka: This is so humiliating...
Ryoko: Hey, somebody had to tell you the truth about your cooking, Princess.
Ayeka: Like you haven't poisoned your share of people, monster!
Jubilee: Yeah, this'll go smoothly.
Akane: Why did Washu give us this stuff (holds up beaker of red liquid.)
Kairi: Dunno, guess it's a special ingredient.
Kaga: I searched all over the market for a special theme ingredient to match
the importance of today's battle. One which reflects the passion of the
champion's ideals. One that would test the mettle of the corporation's
skills. One that would...
Kyle(from offstage): TELL US THE FUCKING INGREDIENT!!!
Kaga: Geez, ok! Here it is!
(A basket is lowered onto the stage. Inside the basket is some baking
goods.)
Akane: What should we make?
Ryoko: How about a bundt cake?
Ayeka: Yes, with some nice strawberry topping.
Jubilee: Sounds like a plan to me.
(The respective groups start on their food items)
Ranma: Can this work?
Washu: Hmmmm well...(A large flame shoots from a pot that Akane & Kairi are
working at) stranger things have happened.
(One hour later...)
Kaga: Let's see, what does the Faceless Corporation have for us?
(The lawyers & the two twisted mascots wheel out a 7-layer, lemon frosted
wedding cake.)
P.D.: Yeah, what do ya think of that, beotch?
Yuffie(offstage): Oh Kairi....
Kairi: That little bastard's gonna get his.
Akane: Well, here's our stuff.
(Ryoko & Jubilee wheel out three huge strawberry bundt cakes, each a neon
color.)
Ayeka: A little larger than what we planned, but perfect nonetheless.
Jubilee: But we did go over board on the food coloring.
Akane: Say guys?
Ryoko: Yeah?
Akane: Why are the cakes moving?
(Suddenly, one of the cakes jumps off the cart, proceeding to attack &
devour the Pillsbury Doughboy.)
Paige: Yes!
Ranma: What was that stuff you gave 'em?
Washu: An advanced bio-chemical formula that I had stored away. It brings
life to all food products. Unfortunately, they become rather bloodthirsty.
(Another bundt cake is snacking on the Snuggles bear's head while at the
same time, the last of the bundt cakes is devouring the lawyers.)
Jubilee: You think we should stop this?
Kairi: Well...(Kairi watches as one of the cakes is eating The Commision On
SuperHuman Activities.) They do have their uses. (Smiling as sinister as he
could, he pulls Big Daddy Bob outta nowhere & tosses him to the cakes.)
Kyle: Oh my God, They killed Big Daddy Bob! Oh, wait that's good!
Jubilee: Ok, we REALLY have to stop them now. Ryoko?
Ryoko: Right. (Ryoko lets loose a series of energy blasts that totally
destroys the cakes. Unfortunately, the Kitchen Arena is destroyed in the
process.)
Akane: Uh oh.
Jubilee: We're in some deep shit. Well, that ends another segment of Cooking
With Jubilee. Join us next time when we make homemade pretzels!
(Cut to Yuffie in front of the wedding cake with Kairi. She has a piece of
cake in her hands.)
Yuffie: C'mon one bite won't hurt ya!
Kairi: I'll eat the cake just as soon as you explain why HE is here! (Points
to priest, who is accompanied by Godo, Yuffie's dad.)
Godo: I'm so happy for you two!
Kairi: You're not related to Soun, are you?
END!!
