Also nearby on the counter are several ingredients & a package of ground

beef)

Jubilee: Hey folks, welcome to yet another tasty installment of Cooking With Jubilee!

Paige: Better known as edible disasters!

Jubilee: Cool it!

Paige: Well, it's true...

Jubilee: Anyway, today, I'm gonna make ya a special treat! We'll learn to cook...

Kairi: Ahem.

Paige: Hmmm

Kairi: We're forgetting one detail.

Paige: Oh yeah. By the way folks, we don't work for Kairi. Marvel's the guys in charge. No one's earning any cash or anything, so don't sue.

Kairi: Yeah, that too. No, actually I was referring to another matter. Thanks to 'The Spaghetti Incident'*, we had to make a few additions.

Jubilee: Are your neighbors still mad?

Kairi: The restraining order was the first clue, right?

Paige: What additions? ( Kairi points outside the window. Jubilee pulls back the shades and sees squads of paramedics, police cars, S.W.A.T. vans, army battallions & a giant Mech standing at attention)

Paige: Gee, hope you didn't forget anything.

Kairi: Yes, well, let's get down to business shall we?

Jubilee: Right. Today, we'll be making Kairi's personal recipe, Death Valley Chilli.

Paige: Death Valley Chilli? You mean...

Jubilee(nodding): Yes, the very same chilli that's been outlawed in 20 countries.

Kairi: That's not true.

Paige: If I remember, No one food is responsible for the whole country of Bulgaria to come down with nationwide poisoning.

Kairi: well, the emissary was kind enough to apologize before taking back that declaration of war, right?

Jubilee: Then I guess we'll just ignore that little international law declaring it to be a biological weapon.

Kairi: Cn we get on with this?

Paige: Yes we wasted enough time.

Jubilee: Right. First we're gonna need some ground beef (takes package of ground beef from counter) Oh, perfect, it's not fully defrosted. Well, I can easily fix that.(taking off plastic wrapping, Jubilee uses her paffs (?) to defrost the beef.)

Paige: You know, they have a little invention called a microwave to heat that up.

Jubilee: And I suppose you have something much faster?

Paige: And more hygienic, I might add.

Jubilee: Well, it's defrosted, so the next thing you should do is get yourself a bottle of cooking oil & a frying pan, mainly the nonstick type)

(Kairi picks up the frying pan & pours in a little of the oil, spreading it around the pan, then sets it down on the stove & turns it on)

Jubilee: Set the burner to 350 degrees & get set to put the ground beef in. Now for the spices & stuff.

Paige: Or, the main poisons.

Kairi: Hey, don't knock it until ya try it!

Paige: If I wanna live to see 80, I won't try it.

Jubilee: Look, is this "Cooking With Jubilee" or "Sarcasm for Dummies"? Chill out, comprende? Now let's see what we got...chilli powder, black pepper, adobo, red pepper, ingredient X...huh?

Paige: And what, pretell, is ingredient X?

Kairi: I invoke my 5th amendment privileges.

Jubilee: Wait a sec, is this the same stuff you put in the burgers for the Avengers Banquet?

Kairi: Yep.

Paige: As I recall, the Avengers & half the guests were sent to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped!

Kairi: Look, who're ya gonna believe, me or some silver surfin' out of work jabroni who flew around puking on half the city?!

Paige: Dr. Doom barfed in his friggin' helmet!! When was the last time you heard Stan Lee scream 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT YOUR DAMN HELMET BACK ON!'?

Jubilee(totally ignoring them) Now, along with some diced onions & kidney beans, mix 'em in with the other stuff and--

Kairi: Wait, we're missing the most important ingredient!

Paige: What, potassium cyanide?

Jubilee: Ya know, for the so-called next leader of the X-Men, you seem to have more sarcastic wit than a whole 'Daria' marathon!

Paige: Well, when Jono ate some of that 'food', he managed to take out half of the lab while screaming for water. At least I THINK he said that. He was speaking in tongues half th--

Jubilee: He doesn't even HAVE a mouth!! How'd the hell he eat it?!?

Kairi: Ok, ok, enough! I just wanna know where's that pepper at?

Washu: Right here (Washu enters the kitchen with a small basket & Hideo

strapped to her back)

Jubilee: Hey, little Washu! What are you doing here?

Washu: Oh, you know, scientific experiments, taking care of our son here, raiding hidden patches of rare, top secret Nevada super peppers.

Paige: Super peppers? As if the cooking wasn't dangerous enough...

Jubilee: I guess this puts the 'Death Valley' in Death Valley Chilli.

Paige: Now all you have to do is take the valley out & you have...

Kairi: Hey, people who mix pickles, french fries & vanilla ice cream for their teachers shouldn't talk!

Jubilee: Oh, Frosty wanted to thank ya for setting up the Lamaze classes for her.

Washu: Hey, no problem. By the way, where's the proud father?

(the scene shifts to a local cathedral, where Sean is speaking to a priest in a confessional)

Sean: So then father, Emma n' I find this flask o' strange whiskey. We drink some n' the nest thing I know, we're stark nekkid! Then this weird gel, Washu, who's really some sort o' goddess or sumthin', come's by with Kairi's little lad & tells us we're gonna be parents. Then—

Priest's Voice: Please stop, I've had it. My shrink's gonna commit me if I tell him another one of you psychos from the academy came here! First Hama, then Kairi & now this! I quit!

(We return to the kitchen with Paige & Jubilee. Washu has left & Kairi stepped out for a bit.)

Jubilee: Now that all the ingredients are mixed & cooking in the pan, we take our big pot right here & prepare to fill it with our stuff, but first we need to get the tomato paste.

Paige: Here's three cans (Paige holds up a few good sized cans of paste) But

there's no can opener.

Jubilee: C'mon, use yer head! Think of something.

(Paige shrugs her shoulders &, using her husking powers, turns her hands to steel & rips the top of the cans off.)

Jubilee: O-kaaaay....Now, draining the pan of oil, dump all of this stuff into the pan with the paste & boil 'em until it's time to eat.

Paige: How long will that take?

Jubilee: Well, we're in the middle of a story, right? All we have to do is wait for one of those messages to appear & we'll be set.

Paige: You mean like this?

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER....WELL, MORE THAN LIKELY AN HALF HOUR. GIVE ME A BREAK, I’M NOT EVEN TRUSTED BY MY OWN SISTER IN THE KITCHEN!!!

(Jubilee, Paige & Kairi are all at the table with Angelo, who has a bowl of the chili in front of him. Next to the bowl is a 2 liter bottle of 7up.)

Jubilee: Ok, now it's time for the taste test!

Paige: Do you want your last rites, Angelo?

Angelo: I ain't too sure about this amigo.

Kairi: Dude, don't worry, it's harmless.

Angelo: So what's with the soda.

Kairi: Screw you man, that's my soda.

(Angelo, real nervous slowly takes a bite. Several spoonfuls later...)

Angelo: Hey, this ain't too bad!!

Jubilee: Success!!!

Paige: Well, I'm surprised!

Angelo: Hey vato, you got dessert?

Kairi: Right here! (Kairi produces a tray of apple turnovers)

Paige: Wow, they smell so fresh!

Pillsbury Doughboy(popping out of nowhere): That's because Pillsbury Apple Turnove--

Angelo: Oh F^&*!

(Angelo proceeds to pull out a .44 Magnum & fires at the P.D., blowing him up)

Kairi: HOLY S***!

Jubilee: Angelo!! What the f*** are you doing?

Paige: Mother f*****!

Kairi: He shot the f****** Doughboy!!

Angelo: I couldn't help it, he came outta nowhere

Jubilee: Well, it can't be helped. Let's clean up, Paige get the laundry, we'll get the mops

Paige: Ok (picks up laundry basket) Nice smell to them.

Snuggles Bear (popping out from the basket) That's because Snuggles Fabric Softner uses---

Angelo: S***!!!

(One gunshot later, Snuggles is blasted all over the area.)

Paige(pissed): YOU DUMB F***!!! YA ALMOST BASTED MY F****** HEAD OFF!!

Jubilee: Well, ya killed again

Angelo: Dudes, just chill!!

Kairi: Chill! You just killed the f****** Snuggles Bear!!! What's next, you barbecue Tony the Tiger? Or will you try out for the endangered species list & kill the last Dodo?

Jubilee: I think it's time we ended this.

Paige: Well, at least Angelo's still breathing. Normally, Kairi's cooking is considered a lethal weapon.

Jubilee: You need to stop hanging out with Daria, ya know that?

(Wow, only one Anime character this time. E-mail me for the uncensored version!!)