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Everybody knew, of course, that the best time to do homework due Monday was on Sunday night preferably somewhere between dinner and X-Files, if possible. Everybody, apparently, except the poor misguided soul who decided that that was the perfect time to knock on the door of the empty classroom I'd found to finish that weekend's work in.
Ordinarily, I would accept such a break, but I was almost done with that particular problem set, and I wanted to actually turn something in for once.
Right, I thought sarcastically, and sent that good student right back to where she came from, because she obviously wasn't me. I allowed the Procrastination Queen to reign and set aside the ugly homework. "Come in," I called, purposefully putting the math book in its rightful place far, far out of sight.
The face behind the door, oddly enough, was Angelo's. I'd expected Jubilee, ready to goad me more about my relationship, or even Paige, attempting to forge a friendship anyone, really, but Angelo.
"Uh," I said, "hi can I help you?"
He glanced at a spot near my feet, one hand rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "I dunno," he replied. "It's, um, never mind. No big deal. I'll go."
Okay, whatever I closed the door, deciding that that was most certainly bizarre.
A knock sounded again on the door before I could take my hand from the knob, and I opened it again to find Angelo remained. What on earth was up with this? "What's going on?" I asked.
He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and now searched the hallway ceiling for inspiration. "Alison," he admitted. "I mean, you know, you know her, right?"
I had a vague idea of where this might be headed, but I had no desire to assume anything; that would make me no better than Jubilee.
"Yes," I replied slowly. "What about her?"
"Uh," he answered, glancing from side to side perhaps hoping she wouldn't find him in here. "C'n I come in?"
I shrugged and stepped aside to let him in, heading back to the desk I'd occupied before I was so rudely interrupted. The poor boy oozed ~discomfort~ embarrassment~ as he finally decided to pull out a desk chair and sit on it. "Okay, so, um," he said.
I could've sworn he'd already brought that point up several times, but didn't comment. I simply sat there and waited for him to explain what was going on.
"So, I, uh, Alison, right. What's I mean, how can I, I mean "
"You like her," I deduced. How positively enthralling! While she would never admit it, she needed someone very much. I personally would have thought Everett more her type, but he wasn't here, and Angelo would do nicely. Almost anyone would do just fine.
"Uh, yeah," he agreed, blinking in surprise. "You get that from my head or somethin'?" he asked, indicating his head as thought I might not be able to discern it for myself.
"No," I replied. "I'm not a telepath. But no, I didn't get that from your emotions alone though they are fairly obvious. Your actions are strong enough to let everyone know what's going on with you." I laughed. "It's no wonder Jubilee thinks you're up to something."
He ignored that last comment. "Okay, so anyway, uh yeah. How do I y'know?"
I hoped he would clarify just what "y'know" meant because I didn't know not exactly, anyway but I certainly wasn't stupid, and would have to follow my assumptions, much as I hated to. "You don't," I explained. "She's not into that sort of thing."
Angelo's eyes widened in shock. "Y'mean she likes girls? Oh, sh"
"No!" I interrupted quickly. "I seriously doubt that. I just mean she's ah, very conservative regarding those manners."
"Hmm," he hummed thoughtfully, nodding. "So then what?" he asked, leaning forward on the chair.
I shrugged. "I really don't know," I admitted. "Talk to her," I suggested. If he could do that without tripping over his words
"But," he sputtered, "but I I mean, what'm I s'posed to talk about? I mean, usually it's just y'know. Easier. But this is different."
I raised an eyebrow. "Different?"
"Yeah," he admitted, exuding ~discomfort~ again. "'Cause I yeah. 'Cause she's not just I dunno. Y'know?"
I wondered briefly if he could form a coherent thought or at least a phrase without the use of "y'know". Doubtful, I decided. "No," I agreed, "she's not 'just'. But let me warn you," I continued, my voice firm so as to make sure he got the point, "if you even think of hurting her I will hurt you back I don't care how tough you think you are. I've known her so long, she's like a sister. So just don't."
Angelo raised his palms before himself and grinned. "Got nothin' to worry 'bout, chica I know just what ya mean."
"Good," I replied.
"But what do I talk to her about?" he asked again, reminding me of his previous question. "I try and she doesn't seem to get it."
I thought back to the days and weeks following my arrival here. I'd met Jono through music, and our shared interest certainly helped to support our relationship or at least it seemed to. "Is there something you have in common?" I asked. "Some common ground you can discuss?"
He appeared to think it over momentarily, vaguely shaking his head. "Can't think," he replied.
Well, that was certainly an understatement. "Hmm," I considered. "Just let the conversation flow. Start with, I don't know, that show you were both watching, or how bloody awful sick you were ."
Angelo thought about that, apparently decided on something or another, and stood to leave, pushing the chair back.
"Just don't tell her first thing right out about how you feel," I cautioned. "You want to tell her eventually, but right away might scare her." And if I knew Alison, it would certainly scare her.
Angelo nodded and started for the door. "Thanks," he said as though it were a mere afterthought.
"Welcome," I answered. "Not a problem."
I settled back into place, though just before the door closed behind him, it occurred to me that he was Jono's closest friend here and wouldn't he have something to say about me to his friends? "Wait," I called.
The door lingered open, and Angelo turned in the doorframe. "Huh?"
Maybe I shouldn't ask about this. Maybe this was just a bad idea. What if Jono hadn't said anything? What if I just made a fool of myself by asking? "Does Jono ever say anything about me?" I blurted, and immediately wished I hadn't.
"Uh "
Oh, Light, it had been a stupid question. No he didn't talk about me, or maybe he did but it wasn't the sort of thing I'd want to hear, nor was it the sort of thing Angelo would want to repeat. I seriously wished I could retract my words and just forget about it, but I couldn't. "Never mind," I muttered.
Angelo shrugged and left. Great help he was
I sat there for a few minutes more, glanced at the unfinished homework that I ought to have been doing, and decided that it wasn't worth my time. The clock on the wall indicated that it was nearing nine, and if I wanted to be on time for X-Files then I should get going.
Across campus, the rec room had been disinfected and cleared of all potentially germy items (including, to Alison's horror, her videos), and now the student population gathered around the television with the lights off, of course to witness the paranormal exploits of Mulder and Scully. X-Files was one of the few shows we all held at least some interest in some more than others, I noted, glancing at Jubilee and her fervent fangirlish expression. Perhaps it was because we could all earn a File of our own certainly genetic mutants fell under the sign of "X" in more ways than one, I realized. And some of us, like Monet, could be creepy even without mutancy.
I apprehensively took a place on the couch beside Jono this was what was supposed to happen, right? We were together; I needn't fear rejection.
*Hello,* he said, then as an afterthought, *Missed you.*
I could feel my face flush but smiled in spite of that. I could feel Paige's glare on me even if she'd effectively hidden herself in the dim room's shadows.
Jubilee turned around, the light from the TV backlighting her eerily. "Wouldja quiet down? I don't care if it's just, like, telepathy, we can still like hear ya an' stuff. Some of us wanna watch, ya know."
Right of course. I said nothing, as I'd said nothing before, and hoped that maybe, just maybe this once Jono wouldn't act so distant. These past few days had been fun, but it seemed that whenever we weren't alone he'd just close off from me. That bothered me.
Slightly worried, I glanced to his hand sitting beside me on the couch, and took it in my own. He glanced at me briefly, but remained silent, preferring to let his actions speak as he squeezed my hand tightly in return.
I knew that anything more than that, with other people around, would be asking too much. Couldn't we just leave?
Probably but I couldn't ask him to come away, not now and probably not ever.
The commercial break ended, and as the show began in earnest I found myself caught up in its story. X-Files was certainly enough to take my mind off the whole situation, even if he was right beside me. It was probably the only thing with enough psychological hold on me to do so; I had been veritably obsessed some few years ago, and though I was no longer quite so rabid, I still enjoyed the series immensely. That this episode was particularly riveting certainly helped.
When it was over, we each disbanded to our separate tasks except for the two of us, who simply sat there like a pair of dolts.
Jono stared blankly into the distance.
I wondered what on earth was going through his mind. I just wanted to be closer physically closer even this short distance seemed too far. I closed my eyes, envisioning what that might be like I welcomed the privacy of my mind sometimes, where he couldn't invade on my visions sometimes. More often I wished for the link to come back.
*But it is,* Jono's voice rang through my mind, reverberating in fuzzy dimness of unused corners of my brain.
I blinked, completely surprised and shocked by that statement. Back? But how could -- ?
He faced me. *It never left,* he explained.
I felt my eyes instinctively narrow, my eyebrows furrow. "But you " I began.
*Not exactly,* he interrupted. *Frost wanted me to I she was worried about you. So she called me in, asked me if I'd remove it.*
I couldn't believe I word I was hearing. "You lied to me," I accused darkly. "You lied. You said she didn't put you up to this. I can't believe this." I felt my head shaking wobbly on my neck, desperate breaths coming shortly to my lungs. How could he? How dare he?
*Calm down, Jen please, listen,* he requested, a steadying hand on my shoulder, trying to keep me in place, keep me from running.
"I will not calm down," I refused. "You said it was your choice you were going to do this anyway. You said," I concluded. "You said."
*It Jen, it was my idea.*
So I had every right to be mad at him. Good. At least I was justified in my anger. I folded my arms and turned from him, refusing to look at him.
*I wasn't lying when I said it was about that last accident. Neither of us can control this. Admit it, you can't I can't, either.*
I wasn't sure what to feel.
*I did it so you wouldn't be hurt,* he explained softly.
Oh, Light he was appealing to that sensitive side of me, and he knew I'd fall for it.
Well, I wasn't about to fall for it. "Well, you did," I told him. "You did hurt me."
*But I didn't do anything wrong!* he protested. *I just don't want something awful to happen to you. To this. To us. Just Jen, please.*
I felt his arms around me, encircling my neck as he stepped close behind me.
My heart went so fast I thought it was simply refusing to beat altogether. And my mind followed suit, refusing to think properly until it began chanting in endless litany, "This isn't love, this isn't love, this isn't love ..."
It couldn't be love it was just a crush. An infatuation. On accounts of both parties involved. It just couldn't be and yet, that I would even believe it wasn't only proved that it was.
Wasn't it, after all?
I turned, slowly, in his arms, and wrapped my own arms around him, holding him so closely and he held me, as though hanging on for dear life but so afraid I'd break if he held too hard.
-- this isn't love, this isn't love, this isn't love the silent voice continued.
"Ev?" I knocked on the wooden door hesitantly, hoping that he somehow wouldn't be there - that he would be somewhere else, watching TV, studying, reading, doing anything anywhere but here -
The door opened and Everett's face appeared in its apeture. "Yeah? Oh, hi Al. Come on in." He opened the door wider to allow me to enter, even as I desperately wanted to leave, not entirely sure of myself and not wanting to have to deal with this...
Despite what was going on in my head, I walked calmly into his room and sat on the chair he motioned to, next to his desk. He closed the door and sat on the bed, looking at me, his face searching mine for the reason I had come. We were good enough friends that he didn't prod as to my reasons - he knew that if I was going to tell him, I would tell him on my own eventually. I was so thankful to have a friend like Ev here - Jen was, of course, my absolute best friend, and always would be. Nothing could change that, and we both knew that. And although I could always tell her anything, this just wasn't something I wanted to confront her with, exactly. She was too biased, I just didn't want to tell her this... yet. Ev, on the other hand, had always been there for me in the same manner, but somehow, if I was going to talk to anyone about... this... it was going to be him. He would understand, he wouldn't take me through the... not exactly, ridicule, just necessary jokes and jibes.... that Jen would have to, solely through the nature of our relationship. Don't ask me why - I didn't want to talk about this with anyone, actually, but somehow here I was, sitting across from Ev, bracing myself to ask him I still knew not exactly what.
"Um... Ev, can I ask you something?" I crossed my ankles, swinging feet that didn't quite reach the floor, looking at them as they appeared and disappeared beneath the chair seat.
"Sure, Al. Anything. What's up?" His voice was so soothing, so ready to accept whatever problem it was I was about to burden him with. I silently thanked him in advance for that. I couldn't believe he could still stand me after all that crap I'd given him so long ago, just after we'd first gotten here and I couldn't even figure out what was going on within myself. Well, he was about to get some more crap, special thanks to Alison and her totally confusing brain...
"Well... I'm - I'm not sure what exactly I want to... I mean, I shouldn't even be here... I - um, Angelo?" Well, that sounded effective. If he could figure out the method to the madness in those last ineffectively-strung 20 words, that was.
"Oh," he said. I looked up; he was gazing at me, not smirking or laughing, just gazing calmly at me. "I see."
I nodded, hoping I wouldn't actually have to go on, that he would get the point and explain this all to me with no further effort - and therefore no further embarrassment - on my part. Yeah, right. "I... I don't know what to do."
"Do? Do how?" Great, so he did need more information. Man, why couldn't he just synch with Jen or Jono or Emma or somebody and get this directly out of my head instead of me having to actually form coherent thoughts, which obviously weren't coming out as such?
"Well... um... I mean, we got along fine before, and then there was this weekend, and I... and he.... and I... um...." Well, there was giving him a lot more to go on. Way to go, girl.
"So you like him?"
Here came the red, heating up my face to a temperature well beyond 98.6, flushing my skin scarlet enough to match Penny's. I decided to concentrate on a spot just in front of his feet, trying to get my mouth to open in order to answer his question; but not before I caught sight of him nodding slightly.
"Well," he began; obviously my lack of ability to answer his question - not to mention to new pallor of my face - was answer enough for him, and I think I thanked about twelve different deities for that, "you're going to have to tell him." No! That was not what I wanted to hear! I wanted him to explain to me, calmly and rationally, how to make this go away so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
Or did I? I didn't want to ponder the consequences that lay down that unventured road, the one that was shrouded in fog and had a sign posted in front of it: POINT OF NO RETURN. But something was tugging at me, digging for my heart beneath my chest, pulling me, begging me to disregard that sign. But I couldn't...!
"But... but I..." I sputtered, blinking and looking up at Everett to see if he was actually sincere. "I can't...!"
He nodded despite my protests. "Al, I know you know this... It's obvious."
WHAT was obvious?!
Ev smiled a bit, cocking his head ever-so-slightly to the side, studying me as I squirmed in the desk chair. It wasn't him that was making me uncomfortable - not at all. It was my emotions, which were betraying my trust and fleeing from their hiding place in order to make my heart race and my vocabulary dead and my self-image cringe in fear and yet marvel at the possibilities...
"He likes you, you know. You have to see it, and if by some odd chance you don't, I'm telling you now - he likes you." Of course I - ! But not... he couldn't really... that was too much to ask... Right? "It shows in how he acts - he's nicer around you, he... well, you know - you're there. But if this is going to go anywhere, you've got to talk to him."
No! I did not want it to go anywhere! Right? Right....? Ri -
"Okay, um, so how?" Hey! I thought this wasn't supposed to go anywhere? Just what do you think you're - ?!
Ev pondered that a moment before answering. "Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure." Oh, great, thanks... "But I think you'll figure it out. Just go up, y'know, say hi, talk about something or other... It'll happen. There's no manual - you'll get it on your own."
Okay, so now he knew - well, he always knew, but that just made it all the more real - and I was still nowhere. Well, to really nowhere - I had to admit, part of me was glad that I'd come to talk to him, some small bit of me felt better and just a little more confident and almost ready to step out into that fog that seemed to have a magnetic effect on my soul.
"Okay, thanks," I said, getting up and heading for the door. He stood to see me out, standing in the doorway as I exited out into the hall.
"Sorry I'm not much help," he said, even as I shook my head. He had helped, though in a way I couldn't quite explain. Just boosted my confidence - into what?! my mind screamed at me - and perhaps helped fan the spark into something more. My head still screamed at me to put it out, smother this before it became a forest fire, and I was going to have to deal with that, or something, but I still didn't know whether it would be by providing water or air.
"No, thanks," I said. "Really - thanks."
"With the status of my emotions "Oh", She says, "You're changing."
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But, I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey or something in between
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days" she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing...."
- "Anna Begins", Counting Crows
