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Hot, wet liquid streamed down my face and I was completely helpless to the effects of my emotions. I did not care anymore. I needed some respite from the adrenaline tempest that raged within my blood. That break refused to come.
Oh, God, I needed to talk more than anything else. I had never done anything to her -- why was she punishing me like this? Why did she feel a need to close me in like some little island without any outside contact?
I couldn't even talk to Jono. Something firm had been wedged between my contact to him -- even with the link, such as it was. I was locked up like some kind of bloody prisoner.
Why wouldn't she let me talk to him?
It had to be Emma's fault. She had to have done something. Emotion so strong it produced tears had to at least call Jono's attention, and he wasn't responding, and this wasn't natural; it wasn't right.
Oh, hell. It wasn't even a matter of sheer stupidity. I liked telling her exactly what I thought of her. I'd wanted to on more than one occasion and I was so glad when I finally did. I just didn't think it'd get me confined to quarters like this.
My eyes were still burning. I let the tears come. I felt my body shaking with the sobs, I was crying so hard.
Why did I care so much about this?
Because it was unfair. It was completely beyond unfair. She'd *shut me off*. I had no way to vent my frustrations. I had nobody to talk to. I thought I might be violently ill, and soon.
Why was it they always went straight for the heart? They didn't care so much. If they really cared, they would just let me be. My well being didn't really matter to them. I could just leave and they might play worried for a while, but in the long run it wouldn't matter so much.
I wanted to get out of here.
I didn't want to leave Jono behind. Or -- hell -- even Paige, for all she was so normal, or even Jubilee -- she'd been such a good friend. So Jubes wasn't my best friend -- I didn't think that "best" friends really existed -- as far as titles were concerned -- beyond grade school, where friendships were formed with pacts and secret handshakes and notes written in code. But Jubes had always listened, even though she'd had her own problems to deal with. And yes, even Paige and I had been getting along better. I think she was beginning to come to terms with "the Jono thing" and saw me more as an actual person instead of a threat to a defunct relationship. We were a lot alike in so many ways -- obsessive perfectionism in our own rights, for one -- and so different in so many other aspects. We had a lot to learn from each other -- a lot I was only beginning to see from a precarious friendship that, if broken now, surely couldn't be mended.
Alison had been my friend for years. She would understand my reasons for leaving if no one else would, sure, but I doubted she would accept them graciously.
And, of course, Jono -- such a mystery. I couldn't leave him, and I would simply leave my reason at that. It was decided: I would stay.
But what was staying worth when I couldn't even talk to these people I held so dear?
I supposed this would be over with soon enough.
My nose was thoroughly clogged; I couldn't breathe. In the dark, I reached blindly for the box of Kleenex on my bedside table and found the flimsy cardboard beneath my fingers. I used the tissue and threw it on the ground -- no need to aim when I couldn't see the garbage can anyway.
I closed my burning eyes. The rest of me was slowly calming down. I was so lucky the adrenaline didn't make me do something completely stupid or destructive, like last time.
That was probably why I was locked up. So I wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone else. Well, that was all fine and good, because there was no sense in hurting anyone else. Frost was the only one who deserved to be hurt. Cassidy likely had a hand in it, too. But he was indirect and subtle, where Frost was painfully blatant -- I thought she was better than that. I mean, she was a telepath -- she ought to have been a pro at mind games.
Maybe she was, and I just wasn't noticing it because she was so good at it.
Crap.
Tears flowed silently, plastering my cheeks with a thin, sheer layer of wetness. I wanted my nose to unclog, and all the tissues in the world wouldn't clear these grossly filled passageways.
I wondered for a moment if Jono ever cried.
That was silly -- of course he did. Someone with such pain as that had to cry sometimes. And my own pitiful situation paled in comparison, but it still meant enough to me. I didn't want to be isolated. I spent most of my junior high and elementary years isolated. I didn't need it imposed upon me now, when I was finally beginning to form real relationships.
No, these were not real relationships -- these were fictional and fake. These people didn't exist. They were in a comic book. I was constantly forgetting that. They were no more real than any other past obsession was -- no more actual people than Fox Mulder or Dana Scully.
For all I wanted to believe.
For all some part of me wanted to accept I'd found something special here -- whether in Jono exclusively or also in these friendships with Jubilee or Paige -- this other part was all too aware that they didn't exist, not where I came from, and with Emma confining me to my room, that non-existent part of my life was throwing me so harshly back into a supposed "reality" -- that of schoolwork and deadlines and superficial responsibilities. My relationships had no part of this reality. My music had no place there, either. I had no piano in my room to play when things were harsh as they were. Even my computer had been removed from my room and taken to places unseen.
Now, more than ever, I not only wanted to believe, but I needed to believe -- so desperately! -- in that fictional reality of comics. I was an empath, constantly aware of my powers. My aura could not now be seen because of all my emotional interference, but I knew it was there.
And if I closed my eyes and reached -- reached -- I could still sense everyone in the dorm. Each girl was in her own room, preparing for the night ahead -- or so I would believe.
Or -- no, Jubilee was with Alison. And Monet was already asleep.
Reach just a little farther --
Yes, there the guys were -- no, someone was not in his room, but I couldn't place who. Probably Angelo. Jono was where he should be, and Everett was too responsible to be elsewhere past curfew. It was hardly my problem.
I was only strong enough to tell that Jono was even there. I couldn't see his actions or emotions, and communication was out of the question, despite his telepathy.
Maybe I wasn't even that strong, and I was imagining things. No matter. My eyes wouldn't open; the heat behind them seemed to have fused them shut. I could feel my breathing grow deeper, the unconsciousness of sleep invading my system.
Maybe that was a good idea. Even if I couldn't negotiate with Frost and Cassidy, I still could talk to everyone during class. I still had to go to class. They couldn't deny me that contact with others.
I waited for morning. Sleep came to claim me.
The alarm screamed at me. Not wanting to face any kind of day, I silenced it with a sharp slap atop its plastic façade. The alarm subsided and was replaced with REM, reminding me that "Everybody hurts … sometimes." I glared at the evil appliance and pulled the blankets over my head. It was warmer beneath them.
My eyes still hurt from last night's emotional outburst. I did not want to get up. I would have to deal with *Frost*. But for all I didn't want to face the rest of the world, if I never woke up, I would not see Jono and everyone else. And I had to talk to other people. I needed them. I could not bear to remain locked up, and school was my only way out of this, my only means of communication with anyone.
And class had to be better than this.
*Anything* had to be better than this.
With that conviction, I turned on the light and furiously rubbed sleep from my still-burning eyes. I hadn't gotten enough sleep last night.
I moved muddily through the motions of getting ready for class, skipping breakfast altogether -- not enough time -- and made my way across campus to the classrooms. It was not terribly cold out, but chilly enough for May. The morning hour likely played a part in the temperatures. I sincerely hoped it would warm up later.
Cautiously, I made my way into the deserted hallways and headed for the classroom. I was terribly close to being late -- as close as I could be without actually being tardy. Without a word, I walked to the back of the room to my seat. I wanted to go back to sleep; the light hurt my eyes, so I closed them for the few moments before class started.
"Please take out your homework and pass it forward."
I didn't move. I had no homework. I didn't care.
I wanted to cut all my hair off. Get it real short. And purple. That would be cool.
But that was completely beside any point there might be. I sighed; my breath came thickly and easily. Sweet, cold oxygen filled me -- more than usual, my breathing heavier.
I just wanted to be able to talk to people, and I couldn't, because I was nearly late, and there wasn't any time to really talk. It wasn't as though I truly had anything relevant to say, though -- it was more the principle of the thing, and my ability to talk to people also gave me a much-needed ability to vent my frustrations, because they also couldn't stand Frost, and since I couldn't have that, I was beyond distressed.
Yes, I decided, I would live. I would get through this day, and perhaps I could even attempt to reason with Frost at the next available time. And if I were lucky, she'd allow me some respite from the restrictions placed on me.
I had a feeling, though, that I was only getting my hopes up. Either way, it still enabled me to plod wearily through the motions of the morning and its classes until we were finally given a collective break for lunch. We abandoned the classroom.
Jono hung back, expressing one worried glance before I sent along /Yes! Need to talk!/ but my sending was apparently ignored as he joined Paige for an excursion elsewhere.
I sighed, disgusted with my own feeble attempts at finding solace, but was surprised to find Jubilee waiting for me. "Oh -- hi! I -- I didn't see you there," I explained.
Jubilee grinned. "S'okay," she answered, shrugging off my oversight.
I bit my lip and tried to laugh, but I found nothing funny. "Frost has me confined to quarters," I explained softly, quickly, to get my point across and make absolutely certain there was no question as to what had put me in such a terrible mood.
"Dude," Jubilee commented in amazement. "Way harsh. What for?"
I let out a long breath of air and tried to think of some way to explain just what it was I had done without making myself look like the evil bad student that I probably was. "I wrote her a letter," I finally said, and started walking towards the kitchen, hoping Jubilee would follow.
She did. "One of those like totally nasty 'I-hate-you' things?" she asked.
I considered that. "Sort of," I replied. "Well, yeah. But I only told her the truth, and I didn't just come out and say I hated her, and if I didn't write something like this, then nobody would."
"Yah," she agreed. "Having a telepath for a teacher is kinda like that. Ya can't do anything without them knowin', and when ya do get found out, they always know yer the one who did it and stuff, and then there's like that weird fear of getting like totally scrambled."
I had to admit I was feeling masochistic and useless, so I truly wouldn't have cared if my brain were to become fried somewhere in the process of my punishment. I supposed that, in the long run, I probably deserved it -- but right now, it wasn't fair, because I was only being perfectly honest.
"I remember one time back when I was with the X-Men, and Betsy was cooking -- totally weird 'cause she's like the take out queen -- and it was like scrambled eggs and everyone was like totally weirded out and stuff 'cause she was in this majorly pissed mood and she said that's what she'd do to our like synapses and stuff if she ever found out we did anything to her or her stuff again. But I didn't do anything then, well, I didn't think so, 'cause I don't remember if I did but I woulda remembered if I did, and 'cause I don't remember I guess I didn't, but yeah I see what you mean about like telepaths an' stuff."
"Well," I broke in, "it's not that I'm so worried about getting scrambled." I had Jono's ever present shielding to protect me from that, so even if I did commit a scramble-able offense, Frost couldn't do anything about it. "It's this grounding I hate. It's like I can't have a life. Well -- I don't have much of a life to begin with, but it's mine, and I like it, so I'd like to at least keep what I have, you know?"
"Yeah," Jubilee agreed. "I know. It was the same way with me and the X-Men. I mean, I didn't have like a real 'family', but ya take what ya get, and they were like so great to me. Still are, even, and I don't want to get them taken away. I think I'd like, die."
That thought had never truly occurred to me -- but I was so glad she brought it up. Jubilee and I were so different -- and yet we still managed to connect on the levels that really united people. I liked that. And it made me feel better. "I guess it's the same with you guys," I admitted, even though it really wasn't, but there was something similar, in a way. "You're my friends. I didn't have many back home 'cause I was 'psycho'." I could sense this conversation was about to take a decidedly mushy turn -- not something I needed just then. I just wanted everything to be normal. Fortunately, the kitchen was just around the corner.
I opened the door and found Alison, Everett, and Angelo raiding the cabinets. Shortly after I arrived, Frost entered through the door opposite me -- mild ~surprise~ registering before she neatly composed herself, straightening her jacket and stepping into the room with an imperial air. *What are you doing here?* she demanded.
I squirmed uneasily. Her telepathic voice grated just inside my head with an invasive pressure -- why did she insist upon using it when she could just as easily speak to me like any other person? She shouldn't have even been able to use her powers on me; the link protected that!
*You are to remain in your room,* she reminded me.
I turned to Jubilee for help -- or Alison, or anyone -- but Jubilee had effectively removed herself from the room (on account of Frost's presence, I guessed), and Alison was following Ev and Angelo out of the kitchen.
I was stuck. "Ms. Frost," I explained, as calmly as I could, "how am I to attend class if I am in my room?" Perhaps reason would work with her. I hoped it would.
"You are not to attend class," she informed me simply. "Did I not make myself perfectly clear? Your instructions were to remain in your room until you were informed otherwise."
"But I'm hungry," I protested. "I need to eat."
Ms. Frost paused, contemplating some response and likely some additional punishments for my breach of conduct. "Fine," she acquiesced. "Fine. You may get yourself something to eat, and then you will remain in your room."
It wasn't much of a deal, but it was enough of one. How was I supposed to know that I wasn't supposed to go to class? I just figured I would have to. And I hadn't even gotten to talk to Jono because he had gone somewhere with that -- that Paige!
I took my sweet time procuring my meal, all the while under Frost's watchful gaze that bore down on me and itched something awful. She actually *followed* me as I carried my sandwich and chips upstairs to my room-turned-prison. This I didn't understand. On nearly every occasion in which I'd been frustrated, annoyed, or just plain mad, I'd retreated to my room -- it had been a respite from the evils of Frost and everyone else. Now, she used my own refuge against me.
I'd heard theories of what hell must be like -- that gluttons were allowed to constantly eat, and gamblers were allowed to constantly win -- and it would eventually drive them mad. Of course, it was much too late for me to go mad, but -- I just wanted to be let out of here!
Fortunately, Frost didn't keep watch on me; she had to teach afternoon classes. Theoretically, I could get out of here and roam, but -- what? Someone stood outside my door like a guard posted to prevent me from escaping. The signature was strangely unfamiliar -- didn't I know everyone here? I opened the door a crack and peered through the small opening to find that some red and black mass crouched outside my door. The girl's expression was vacant and bored; she, like I, longed to be elsewhere.
I tried to broadcast ~peace~friendship~ because I knew perfectly well that she could easily hurt me without even trying.
Giving off a pale but warm ~curiosity~, her head tilted upwards towards me. I could see my reflection mirrored in her blue eyes which seemed too large for her characteristically red face, almost like an anime character -- eyes so large were terribly disturbing, but not nearly as disturbing as the girl herself.
I tried to hide my nervousness as I smiled and waved gently. She was almost ~perplexed~. "Hey," I greeted softly.
She just kept looking at me, examining me with that intent, childlike curiosity, never giving any indication that she'd even heard me.
"Um … hello?" I tried again, but she still gave no response. I was confused, sure, but I decided to let the matter simply drop as an idea struck me squarely between the eyes. "Hey … could you do me a favor?" I asked. I didn't wait for her to answer -- I figured she just wouldn't -- and I went to my desk, searching vainly for a scrap of paper or anything else to write on. I finally found an envelope and scribbled a hasty message on it.
I tore the section of envelope that had the note on it off, and folded it, writing Jono's name on the outside. I bent down to Penance's level and asked, "Could you take this to Jono, please?"
As before, she remained silent and inert. It was like talking to a brick wall. She was truly starting to thoroughly irritate me. I sighed audibly and went back to my desk, searching for a roll of masking tape that I was sure I'd left in there. I found it in no time, and went back to Penance's side. "Hold still," I instructed, ripping off a piece of tape.
I didn't want to be too forward. There was no reason for me to simply grab her arm to tape the note to it, and I truly didn't want to be hurt, and I didn't know what would provoke her to attack. She seemed placid enough in the few moments she'd been here, but she was an unknown entity. I had to be careful.
With that in mind, I calmly told her what I was going to do. "Okay," I explained, "hold out your arm. I need you to take this to Jono, and I don't want it to be all scratched up and destroyed. So I'm going to tape it around your arm, where you can't hurt it, okay?" I held out my own arm in demonstration.
She looked at my arm.
I sighed. This wasn't going to work. "Please?" I asked.
She looked up at me, turned and left.
Fat lot of good *that* did. I tossed the folded note onto the floor and fell back onto my bed.
