I was hungry, but not terribly so, and those things that needed to be said had to be said. I'd made up my mind. I breezed past the kitchen though I hadn't eaten, past those people in there before anyone could bother me to clean my room or say goodbye to Bobby, who would be departing in an hour or so.

A shower was not enough to wash him from my system. If I wanted to end this, I had to end this -- because it was obviously going nowhere, and he obviously didn't want me around, no matter how much I wanted ...

I was going to do this before I lost my nerve. I strode forward like a woman possessed, plunging through doors and hallways, following the empathic link to where I felt Jono to be.

The hallways were growing more unfamiliar but it didn't matter; I was getting closer. I pushed open another door and was faced with a darkened stairwell. I ran down, hoping I wouldn't step on anything but knowing if I fell I wouldn't care.

The room was dark, perhaps the darkest I'd been in at the Academy, black as the darkest night in its darkest hour. A deep indigo glow that bordered on purple glimmered faintly around my hands and before my face, but it certainly couldn't serve as any sort of illumination, simply annoyance. I stood in one spot -- he was in here. And I could feel him; I could point directly at him and I knew I would be right. But I couldn't see him. I couldn't see a bloody thing in here.

I stepped forward --

-- and ran head-on into a closed door. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I chastised myself. I felt for the knob and turned it. The heavy door creaked open so slowly -- and revealed, inch by inch, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

Fire.

I'm no pyromaniac, though; I hate to be too close to the stuff, but the dancing flame of a candle is simply mesmerizing. This blaze was like a bonfire, though purer -- more white than orange or red; blindingly brilliant at its core rather than blue like any conventional flame would be. But this was no conventional flame -- this was Jono. This beautiful fire was him, much more so than the black-clad shell he hung on to. This was his essence, contained within the framework of the man he used to be.

The raw power cascading all around him -- the power that was him -- was more than enough to make me feel inconceivably insignificant. I could no longer say whatever it was I'd come down here for, whatever it was I so urgently needed to tell him.

He'd known I was there before, but only now turned brown eyes to stare directly at me, lit eerily from beneath by that beautiful chaotic fire. His hair was blown back by his own force; gently, silently pushing mine away from my face as well. The heat generated was not as much as I'd expect, given the intensity of the flame, but still so hot nonetheless.

"Oh my God," I breathed, unable to say anything more. Nothing more could truly suffice.

*So me head wasn't enough.* Jono's psionic voice exploded in my brain, colored every shade of angry, but not yelling. Nowhere near yelling ... *Yer had to come invade me room, too.*

I was too afraid to speak, to stammer, to even think, anything.

*Are yer 'appy now? This is wot yer wanted to see, ennit?*

I thought maybe I was going to cry. I didn't know. I wasn't sure. I was so scared I thought he'd kill me, I thought I would die right then and there but I was frozen in place and that scared me, too, because I just wanted to leave and get out of this situation I'd buried myself in --

-- but I was stuck. Prey. So scared. I wanted to close my eyes; he was getting so much brighter as he became angrier. I couldn't even say so much as the apology I knew wouldn't solve anything.

He grew bolder and brighter and hotter and he shone like the sun. Contradictory -- he was so beautiful but that very power that made him beautiful was exactly what threatened to kill me at that very moment. The emotions that rolled off of him were not the confusion or even the fear I was used to; it was like he was no longer human -- like he had no emotions at all, except that terrible vengeance I couldn't -- I didn't know where such a passion came from. It was loud and it hurt my ears. It hurt my head; it hurt my heart. Everything hurt -- hotter, hotter, brighter ...

I had been searching for the duct tape for almost an hour before I actually found it. Man, if there was ever any place someone needed to hide something ... I found it in a bucket underneath a stack of home improvement magazines addressed to Sean beneath an old train set table in the back corner of the basement. I figured Jono's room must be around here somewhere -- there was only so much basement, after all. I hoped to God I wouldn't stumble across it -- or him. God, I never wanted to see him again, but that wasn't like me! I shouldn't care about this -- why was I being so petty and stupid? Why couldn't I just accept the fact that the guy didn't like me -- he felt sorry for me, maybe, or just looked down on me like the stupid kid I was -- but he didn't like me. He couldn't. It just wouldn't work out that way. No one ever liked me like that. Especially not Jono. I had put it behind me. It was over. Well, there had never been anything in the first place, but if there had been, it was over.

That was why I was down here, looking for the duct tape. Because nothing was going on, and I needed something normal to do. Well, normal for me, anyhow. I was ready to go upstairs with the duct tape to fix my sandal (because duct tape fixes everything, of course!) when I heard it. It sounded like a scream, and on top of that it sounded like a Jennifer scream. Oh great -- she was down here, and screaming nonetheless. Well, there was only one way to find out. I raced towards the sound, tripping in the dark.

"Ow!!" I exclaimed into the dark basement air, not expecting a response. There was none but the throbbing of my knee where I had landed on it on the hard concrete floor. That was going to bruise. I finally reached a door and, hearing Jennifer's voice coming from behind it, rudely and stupidly pushed it open.

"What? What happened?" It was dark, but I could see ... light. Beautiful light, if light could be beautiful. And this light was -- it was colored white and orange and red and yellow and ... it danced a delicate dance in the corner of the room, swirling and playing all around ... Jono? The light was ... Jono.

"Oh ... wow..." My breath caught in my throat. I had never seen him like this -- not in person. It was amazing enough seeing any of them "in person," but this -- this was ... awesome. And not in the slang sense. I was totally awestruck. God, he was beautiful. I could just slap myself for that, but he was.

"I -- I don't know -- I ..." Jen was saying, as I stared at Jono. There was a tension in the air ... it was extremely uncomfortable, and I wanted out. Now. But I couldn't -- I was mesmerized by Jono's essence, and there was no escaping now. Oh, why weren't my legs responding?! George them!

*Get out,* he said. It was terrifying and crushing at the same time, to hear him so ... there was such loathing in his voice, although loathing for what I did not know. My legs began to register in my brain again, and I managed to begin propelling myself towards the door.

"But -- I --" Jennifer seemed to be pleading. I was pleading myself -- pleading with my stupid brain not to feel, not to think, to forget this all and just go away forever.

"I'm just ... gonna go," I somehow said as I neared the door, which was somehow a million miles away.

"No --!" That took me by surprise. Jen's voice had been commanding, and somehow I found my legs stopping, even though I was crying out for them to keep moving, to get me out of that room.

"What? He wants us out." I was scared by Jono now, not because of his appearance but because of his attitude, because of his (psionic) tone of voice. That had frightened me to my very core, and if he wanted me out, I wasn't about to argue. In the dim light, I could see Jen was biting her lip.

"But --"

*But nothing. Get out. Leave me alone.*

Oh, stop it! That tone -- it was ... terrifying. I suddenly couldn't recall ever being more scared in my entire life. He began wrapping himself up again, slowly plunging the room back into darkness as he covered up his inner fire. Jen, however, didn't seem scared at all as she stood resolutely in the center of the room. When her voice came out, it was proud and confident. How could she not be ... my stomach was threatening to tear itself up out of fear and apprehension and humility.

"No. I'm not leaving," she announced into the now fully darkened room. I stood by the door, still trying to get my legs to respond. "We have to talk." It sounded more like a command than anything else. She wanted to talk?! Of course she wanted to talk -- she could talk! I, on the other hand, could never admit anything, not even to myself much less out loud. Never.

*There's nothing to talk about.*

Exactly. Thank you! Dear God, I did not want to talk! Subject me to Hanson, cut of my head or drown me slowly, just don't make me talk! I can't, I won't, I can't....

Jen sighed in exasperation. "There is an issue here." An issue?! AN ISSUE?!! NO! There was not an issue, if only I could get my Georging legs to get me out of that room! I would just sit in my room, alone forever, and never get tangled up in anything ever again and then all of this would be all better and no one could get mad at me. Why did I feel like a little kid who was about to get yelled at for doing something stupid? Because I was, that's why -- that was what my mind repeated over and over, not stopping and never letting up. I was imposing on something I should never have gotten involved with, and if I left now maybe everything would get better.

"An issue?" Had I just said that?! Ugh!

"An issue," Jennifer repeated. "Scared as I am right now ... and no, it is not because I'm afraid of the way you look, but because ... well, just ... because."

Well then. Because. And that was a reason? "Wonderful reason. You know, I really should go." Please legs, please respond, please, I'm begging you...

"You're just as much a part of this as the rest of us." No, I wasn't. I wasn't a part of anything, and I wasn't ever going to be a part of anything. Ever. I saw that, because if I ever was, it would just ruin my life and existence like it was now... I was not involved, I didn't want to talk, and I did not want to be there. He didn't want me there, she couldn't possibly want me there -- even I didn't want me there!

*Rest of us??*

Yes. There was no "rest of us." Nope, no way, no how. Just him and her, and that was it. "I'm not a part of this. I don't want to talk. There's nothing to talk about." There. Short and sweet. Could I go now?

"Yes, there is. And you're just as afraid as I am. As you are." Oh God, I was scared stiff. I was scared out of my mind. I was just waiting for the fear to stop my heart -- maybe then it would all be over. I was just glad there wasn't any light in there, because I was shaking so hard it was all I could do to keep my grip on the stupid duct tape that I had to come down there for in the stupid first place. Why was I shaking?

"I just feel stupid." Was that the understatement of the millennia.

*I'm not afraid!* he insisted. No -- why would he be? Why would I be? My shaking hand almost dropped the tape, but I recovered and grabbed it before it hit the floor.

"Both of you. All of us. This is silly." No! Don't involve me in this! I'm not involved!

"Yes, it is!" I agreed. Maybe if I agreed I could get out of there. Anything to get out of there.

"And we need to stop going around in circles and decide something." She had the air of a teacher who thought she was stating the obvious. We were not going around in circles. There was them, and there was me. I was going around in circles -- they couldn't be. They were fine. It was me that was the problem. Why was I always the problem? Why did I feel this way? Stop it, Alison! Stop it! Stop it! Arrggghhh!

"Decide something?" She wanted to decide something?! I had already decided -- I wasn't a part of this! So why the George was I still in there?! Legs, please!!

"Yes. Decide something. This is silly. This is dumb. Petty, trivial ..." You're telling me?! Yes!!! I agree!! Wholeheartedly!!

*And wot exactly do you propose to do?* That was a good question -- what exactly did she think would fix all of this? I knew what I thought -- knew -- would fix all of this. If only I could leave that room, then somehow everything would be all right. If only ... I wanted OUT. I had never wanted out more in my life. There was a silence, during which I could have just dropped dead, and I thought they might have actually rejoiced. I knew they couldn't want me there. I finally mustered up my courage and my voice, swearing to my legs that if they did not work when I needed them to when I was done that I would most definitely amputate them.

My voice was eerily level and calm. "I'm not a part of this. Just ignore me. Pretend I never had a part of this, even though I didn't. I'm just going to go take my duct tape and fix my sandal and forget about all of this."

I heard the door slam behind me, and I watched the halls of the dorm fly by me as if in a dream or a movie. I found myself back in my room, found myself slumped on the floor with my back to the door ... sobbing????!!!! WHAT????!!!!! No. I was not sobbing. This was not me. I was fine. I was walking away, like I should. It was over. That was it. It was over. Over.

I heard someone screaming inside my head and the detached voice only registered as my own when a foreign voice responded from behind me ... so far behind ...

"What? What happened?"

Voice -- whose voice? Alison? Had she come to save me?

~awe!~ Awe? Why the hell --?

"I -- I don't know -- I ..." Words managed to escape my lips, though they, like the scream, were somehow inhuman. Somehow wrong, like I was speaking some foreign language, as foreign as every sound that rang in these hollow ears of mine. As foreign as this wet mask I wore, hoping the light didn't reflect the saltwater I tasted on my face. It tasted like the lip I'd bit so many times in confusion and error, the lip I still bit now -- only now it was out of fear instead of any error.

*Get out.*

Out --

Alison decided this was a good idea; in the dimness of the room I saw her sneaking quietly towards the door, radiating an awful ~fear~. But no -- she couldn't go. Not when she'd just gotten here. I was so sick of her simply abandoning me and couldn't deal with it anymore.

"But -- I --" But I was still here! Why couldn't I force the words out? Why couldn't I say those things I had to say?

"I'm just ... gonna go," Alison informed me.

"No --!" The single syllable left my mouth like a bullet from a gun, and froze Alison in her place only inches from the door -- from her departure and her ticket away from this mess.

"What? He wants us out." It was so easy for her. She could still speak; she could still move. She would leave because she could, and she would put all of this behind her as though it had never happened. She could do that -- she was like that.

"But --" Again my protest fell short and silent. Again I floundered helplessly.

*But nothing. Get out. Leave me alone,* Jono commanded. Every emotion, though, that barreled towards me, spoke volumes of contradiction. Why would he say something he so obviously didn't mean? Was he that insistent in his stubborn solitude?

Yes -- yes, he was. As if to demonstrate that fact, he began to wrap his bandages, building another wall between himself and the outside world and containing the beauty he'd resolved to turn a blind eye to. What he didn't realize was I could be just as stubborn as he could: I would show his worth to him if I had to pound it into his thick skull. And I would do it now -- if I could simply conquer my fear! "No. I'm not leaving. We have to talk."

A wave of ~disbelief~ hit me squarely in the head, but Alison was silent. Nervously silent, in fact -- I hoped I could gather enough courage to say the phrases forming in my head.

Before those phrases could escape, however, they were effectively drowned.

*There's nothing to talk about.*

Alison shone of ~gratitude~ in response to Jono's statement, though the emotion mixed with images of ... Hanson and Duncan MacLeod? I shook my head and sighed. This was not about torture -- this was an issue.

I informed them of such. "There is an issue here."

"An issue?" Alison echoed.

"An issue," I reiterated. "Scared as I am right now ..." Scared and frightened, fearful I was choosing the wrong words, and afraid that they weren't the words I really wanted to say, and afraid that I would sound stupid ... I felt the need to emphasize that but I sounded more like I was babbling as I addressed Jono. "... and no, it is not because I'm afraid of the way you look, but because ... well, just ... because." Because? I was afraid simply because?

"Wonderful reason." Wasn't it, though? "You know, I really should go."

But Jono didn't want her to go -- yes, sure, let's blame this on him, shall we? Let's blame all of this on him.... I was the one who didn't want her to go. Why couldn't I just leave with her? "You're just as much a part of this as the rest of us," I found myself saying.

*Rest of us?* Jono echoed.

Oh, Light, I'd used the wrong words ... that wasn't what I'd meant to say!

"I'm not a part of this," Alison insisted. "I don't want to talk. There's nothing to talk about." Wonderful. Simply wonderful -- three obstinate people tangled in a sick sort of relationship, and nobody wanted to admit anything, but nobody would leave until anything was admitted. And the problem was, not only were we all so stubborn, we were all scared out of our minds.

"Yes, there is. And you're just as afraid as I am," I explained. Fear -- yes, the room was thick with fear from all of us. "As you are," I continued, turning to Jono.

"I just feel stupid," Alison said. So she would deny the fear that was threatening to rip her apart?

Similarly, Jono insisted, *I'm not afraid!*

"Both of you," I explained, no -- "All of us. This is silly." It was silly. It was ridiculous how stubborn we all were!

"Yes, it is!" Alison agreed. Thank you, thank you! For once we agreed on something. I had no idea if Jono agreed but at this point two out of three wasn't bad.

"And we need to stop going around in circles and decide something," I continued, before I let this go. I was on a roll and the words simply flowed from me -- I could not stop now. This was good, perhaps this way we could end this ridiculous farce and be done with it.

"Decide something?" Alison echoed as though I were speaking some foreign language.

"Yes. Decide something. This is silly. This is dumb. Petty, trivial ..." I could have rattled off a whole list of adjectives to describe this circus, but was cut off by Jono's question.

*And wot exactly do you propose to do?*

I stopped short -- what did I propose to do about this? I'd already told them how I felt, or was certain that they already knew how I felt, but I wanted to know what was going through either of their minds. Alison and Jono, however, being the people that they were, were probably not going to talk, and I suddenly realized the error of this hole I'd dug them both into. I did not have the ladder necessary to get out of that deep, dark, and frightening hole, much as they might have believed I did.

To my surprise, Alison's voice rang almost cooly through the dark room as though disembodied. "I'm not a part of this. Just ignore me. Pretend I never had a part of this, even though I didn't. I'm just going to go take my duct tape and fix my sandal and forget about all of this."

Not a part of --

Of "this" ... ?

This.

What the bloody hell was this?

I wanted to stop her, to prevent her from disappearing again because with her here Jono might actually offer some sort of solution or suggestion, but she was already gone. Granted, it was a farfetched notion, but she was my sanity. With her here I wouldn't say anything that might embarrass me ...

Why would I be embarrassed? There was nobody here to be embarrassed in front of. There was Jono.

Light, there was Jono. And me.

In the dark.

I suddenly felt oddly ill, but not like I would throw up -- more like I was as disembodied as Alison's voice sounded. I didn't want to leave, because that would mean I gave up -- that would mean I gave in, and he won. I couldn't let him win. That would force me to admit defeat.

*You wanted to talk. So talk. Or get out.*

So he was back to ordering me out? Back to square one -- back to the beginning, but with one change: at least now he was willing to listen to whatever it was I had to say. Whatever that was. What had I originally come down here for, anyway? I bit my lip.

"I --" I spluttered, if only to signify that I intended to stay and talk, not run away from it like Alison had. What was it I'd told her? Just get the words out? "I want to know what you think," I blurted.

*About wot?*

Just get the words out. "About everything." Perhaps not everything, but with a blanket inquiry such as that, he would certainly explain to me what he thought about me and the link and Alison and this disgusting mess. "I -- I need to sort this all out. I need to know --"

*Wot I think of you?*

The nail ... the nail, he'd hit it on the head.... "Yes."

Time seemed to pass like months or even years but I knew it couldn't have been. I tasted blood and salt on my lip and I had to force myself to refrain from biting the dead skin off. Or the live skin, for that matter ... that was what hurt. My own sedate brand of masochism.... Finally, finally Jono started to explain things -- calmly, rationally, calculated and scientific, like analyzing something so logically.

*I don't appreciate what you did,* he began. Understood -- how could anyone appreciate that?

"I didn't mean --"

*Let me finish.*

I was quiet.

*I don't appreciate it,* he repeated. *And I don't like it. I know you don't quite know wot you're doing just yet, though, so I'll grant you that.* He paused again, as though the words he'd initially chosen didn't exactly fit whatever it was he really wanted to say. *Your music -- that's nice.*

I recalled that, I'd "impressed" him.

*But you're emotional,* he explained. *And you're ... not afraid of that. It helps your music but it's ... *

Intimidating. I knew that, I'd known that for so long. I frightened people off, and that was why any relationships I'd tried to sustain had ended so abruptly: because I was too emotional and I came across as psycho. Or perhaps my reputation as the psycho had preceded me and had scared anyone off before I could even start a relationship. That, when mixed with my tendency to develop infatuations, did not paint a pretty picture.

* ... it's unnerving.*

Oh.

*I can't do this. Yer know that. I don't "go out". Not --*

"I don't go out either ... not like that ..." This was different, though. I wasn't asking for a date to some cheesy high school dance. I wasn't asking for a lifetime commitment. Light -- I didn't even know what I was asking for anymore. Maybe it would just be better if I walked away from the whole thing. I couldn't forget like Alison could, though -- I wouldn't be able to look back. But I could walk away ...

No! I couldn't! This was sick, we were both too stubborn! Even with Alison out of the picture -- and that was all she'd done, was run away to erase herself from the picture -- even with her out, Jono and I were still at this impasse. Just get the words out -- "Do you want me here?"

Right, that was it -- just ask and it didn't matter if I sounded stupid. Just move forward with this instead of around and around.

*Wot?*

"You know what I mean. Just give me a straight answer."

*Wot was the question?*

"Do you want me here?"

*As opposed to somewhere else?*

Was the man truly this dumb or was he simply playing games to avoid the issue? Light -- he was a guy, that was the answer, wasn't it?

"Do you want this?"

*Want wot? This bloody link? Hell, no.*

"Fine, fine, I'll ..." I wasn't sure what I'd do. Have Emma sever it, probably, because I certainly couldn't sever it myself, and if he didn't want it as adamantly as he proclaimed, then he would have taken care of it already if he could have. But that wasn't what I was talking about! "But that's not what I'm talking about."

*Wot are yer talking about, then? Wot else is there?*

"This!"

*There's no this.*

So that was it. That was it, then. If he didn't know what I was talking about now, then he never would. "Okay," I said in a voice no more than a whisper, my eyes hot and blood just beneath the surface of my lip. "Okay. I understand. I'll ... "

I still wasn't sure what I'd do. Leave? The moment I walked out that door I was out of his life forever. I didn't want to leave.

~guilt~

Guilt? Guilt?

~guilt~, stronger, as if to confirm my suspicions. And ~regret~. *I didn't mean -- *

Of course he "meant." Guys always "meant."

*I don't want you mad at me, okay?*

"Then what do you want me to feel? Emotions aren't programmable, you know."

*Wot do you want me to feel?*

He had a point. And a good one.

*I'm not gonna love you right away. I don't understand why you say you "love" me, anyway. These --*

"I never said that!" Never had I told him that, as often as I might have believed it alone. Never.

* -- these emotions you feed me aren't love.*

"I never said that!" I repeated, so indignant I might scream again. Click -- what he said registered. The emotions I fed him. That link -- damn it anyhow! "Jono -- I -- you're not a monster, you're beautiful. I say that because it's true, not because of any false love I might feel for you. Infatuated? A crush? Perhaps. Yes! Initially! Initially! Feel whatever you feel. Love what you love. You're beautiful. Accept that. I want you to accept that. That's what I want from you." I swallowed. "If anything else happens to come of that, great. I'd love that. But if not ... so be it. It doesn't matter anymore."

It didn't matter anymore.

"It's time for me to go," I said. "Goodbye."

I didn't look back as I went upstairs.

*Jen -- *

I didn't look back.