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MST3K: "Generation X #63"
Original by Warren Ellis and Brian Wood
MiST by The
Icehole
Songs referenced in this work are: Revolution by the Beatles, I Blame You by They Might Be Giants, Nasty Habits by Oingo Boingo, Where Have All the Flowers Gone by Peter, Paul, and Mary, Stupid Day Job by Wally Pleasant, Move on Up by the Jam (who covered it from someone else that I don't know,) and No Killing by the Violent Femmes.
(Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are sitting next to each other, holding hands.)
Mike: We've been training for the last week. Do
you think you're ready for this week's experiment?
Angel: Yes. I feel ready for almost
anything.
(Crow and Tom enter.)
Angel: I said almost anything.
Crow: Just ignore us. We're not doing anything
important.
(Commercial light comes on.)
Mike: [knowing he's not going to like this]:
O.K., what are you doing this time?
Crow: [nervously]: Erm.... well, like I said,
it's not important.
Angel: [rolls her eyes]: I know that look. You
and the other bots are up to something disastrous, I
know. What is it?
Crow: [fighting]: It's nothing, I tell ya.
Tom:: [trying to change the subject]: Oh look,
we've got commercial sign.
(Mike pushes the button.)
Mike: Don't think this is going to save you.
(Commercials. Garbage one and all crammed into your brain until you puke. When we come back, same scene.)
Angel: Where's Big John?
Tom:: Ah, that one I don't know.
(Enter Big John wearing a box over his head. Mads light comes on.)
Big John: I'm ready, guys.
Mike: That does it. I know this is going to be
disastrous, so whatever you were planning, stop it
now.
Crow: Aw, Mike....
Mike: No buts! It took us weeks to fix the
damage done by your last escape attempt.
(Big John takes off the box as the screen opens up, and shows Pearl in her usual attire. Next to her is Brain Guy and Bobo. Pearl is face-to-face with brain guy.)
Pearl: I don't care how much you like looking
at brains, that copy paper is expensive! That's coming
out of your salary, Brain guy!
Brain Guy: My apologies, Lawgiver.... I
couldn't stop myself...
(Pearl then turns to see Mike, Angel and the bots watching them.)
Pearl: I'll get to you later, Brain Guy. [She
turns to the screen.] Mike Nelson, how's my favorite
human guinea pig today?
Mike: Well, everything's fine here.
(Bobo and Brain Guy exit.)
Pearl: Well, we'd better put a stop to that. Now, I want you to marvel at my genius as I have made a new device that will be a boon to mankind the world over! You know how all VCRs are hard to program, and getting the clock set is a feat of technical wizardry? Well, my new device plugs into the back of the VCR, and will automatically set it to record whatever you want! Bobo, Brain guy, bring in the device and the VCR!
(Bobo and Brain guy return with a TV/VCR combo on a cart, and beneath it is a modest size box about the size of a briefcase. Pearl then holds up a small keyboard set and starts typing.)
Pearl: It's foolproof... now, just get the clock to stop flashing midnight....
(Pearl continues to type and type. Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are wearing long white hair wigs, and Mike also sports a long white mustache and beard. Pearl finishes typing.)
Pearl: There we go, see? It's easy.
Mike: Eh? Speak up! I'm not a spring chicken,
you know.
(Pearl sees this, and is not amused.)
Pearl: Take those wigs off now!!! Well, just
you see if you're in the mood to joke after this
week's experiment it's a wonderfully awful piece of
work from the house of ideas that's running out of
them... You know, you really have to feel sorry for
Generation X. Having endured Hama and then Faerber and
now Warren Ellis and Brian Wood. But this one's a
guaranteed stinker....
Crow: Aw, not more Generation X again! It seems
like we get that once a month around here.
Pearl: Tough!
(She picks up the comic book switch.)
Pearl: Well, have an insane time here....
(She throws the comic book switch. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts on Deep INIT bridge.)
Mike: AH! We've got comic book sign!!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots enter, and sit.)
Angel: Generation X? So is this story about a
bunch of slackers who should get off their duffs and
get a job?
Mike: No... but you'll wish it was.
>Generation X
>Revolution
Tom: [sings] You say you want a revolution/ Well, you know...
>Caption: South America.
>Six months ago.
Crow: [as the guy] Now I lay me down to sleep/
I pray that I can get out of this story!
Big John: [as the guy]: Come on, babe! Call me
back! I know you want me!
Mike: Not quite.
>(Someone kicks a door, knocking it out.)
Mike: Hey, ever hear of knocking !?
Crow: Sad thing is the door was unlocked and he
wasted all that effort!
>Garrat: Johnston Coffin -- by the power vested in me by S.H.I.E.L.D. and the United Nations Peacekeeping statues, I arrest you for crimes against humanity.
Mike: So he was the one responsible for hiring
Hama to work on Generation X...
Tom:: And Raab on Excalibur.
Crow: Now he's the one behind this fiendish
story!
>Coffin: Please. It's Warden Coffin. I've earned the title and its use by those such as you.
Crow: Looks like the inmates are now running the asylum!
>So it's "crimes against humanity" then, is it? The sound of one generation against another. Easy words to throw around.
Mike: Writing like this should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention....
>Garrat: Mister Coffin, if you would please --
Crow: [as Coffin] That's Warden Coffin!!
Tom:: [as Coffin] No, I wouldn't please!M
Big John: Well, you're always welcome to please
me, babe!
(Angel reaches over and slaps Big John.)
Big John: Ow! Aw, come on!
>Coffin: Easy to pin the blame on anyone who fits the charge. Just like this new "decency deficit" in the states. Lovely situation.
Angel: Hey, turn that deficit into a surplus!
>It's Hollywood's fault, blame them. It's the record companies' fault, blame them. It's television's fault, it's the video games and comic books' fault.
Mike: Yes, pass the buck, and make sure your genocidal reputation doesn't get tarnished.
>Underage pregnancies? Rebellion against authority? Disrespecting parents? Violent kids shooting up high schools?
Crow: [as Coffin] Man, you guys will accuse me of anything! I'm just a simple two-bit dictator of a nameless South American country here....
>People like me? Blame us. Decency deficit.
Big John: [sings] I/ I blame you....
>This decency deficit does it all. And puts cash in our pockets at the same time.
Angel: Man, what some people won't do for
money.
Mike: Yes, let's go out there and exploit the
masses, molest children and then claim God told us to
do it all.
Big John: [sings] There's nothing wrong with
captialism...
>I get paid to perform
Big John: It's Deuce Bigalow in the future!
Mike: Big John!
>my so-called "crimes against humanity", and you get paid to stop me...
Crow: Man. I hate it when the reverse
punctuation? Don.t you'
>... and more often than not, our wages come from the
same account.
>I love it.
Mike: Well, if you like this, then you'd better seek some psychiatric counseling.
>Garrat: GAAH!
Crow: [as Coffin] Pay attention to me when I'm talking to you!
>S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent: Oh, GOD!
Tom:: [as the agent] We're trapped in a Marvel
Comic book!
Big John: [as random agent] I knew I should
have taken that assignment in Genosha!
>(Several panels of mindless violence.)
> S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent: GAAH!
Mike: Man, S.H.I.E.L.D. is as good at getting
their butts kicked as Generation X is.
Crow: This must be here to show that Generation
X isn't the only team that gets their butts kicked.
>Coffin: Ah, perfect timing.
>My terms have been accepted, excellent. The position
is mine?
Mike: Well, we couldn't find any other two-bit
dictators who wanted the job.
Crow: Believe me, you were our last choice.
>Oh, yes. All hush-hush. Understood.
>Thank you, Mr. Secretary. I look forward to returning
to the United States.
Angel: Man, what a waste! A bunch of
S.H.I.E.L.D. agents gunned down, and for what? This is
really pointless.
Crow: That's Marvel comics in a nutshell.
>Stan Lee presents:
Correction
>1 of 4
Mike: They should have corrected this
script.
Tom:: [worried] 1 of 4? Good Lord, we're going
to get this for four weeks in a row!
>Voice: Oh, EWWW...!
Crow: Looks like someone saw the script
here....
>Jubilee: What's the deal, Starsmore? One of them get away from you on the way to the laundry room?
Angel: Not only that, your underwear is moving!
When was the last time you washed it!? Just like a man
not to be able to wash his clothing....
Mike: Come on, Angel. It was only one time...
>Chamber: That's where it went... least I can remember to flush the bloody toilet, Jubilee. Wish I could say the same about you.
(The bots make cat and dog howls, hisses and screeches.)
Angel: Can't we all just get along?
>Jubilee: One time, Jono. One time the toilet doesn't flush properly. God, let it go already.
Mike: What's up with all of this? Why is
Chamber speaking in that bluish-green lettering?
Crow: I don't think I want to know the
answer.
>Chamber: I still have nightmares about what I saw
bobbing up and down in the bloody surf.
>(Jubilee uses her power to zap Chamber's shorts.)
Crow: [as Jubilee] It attacked me! I had to
defend myself!
Angel: A yellow top and brown miniskirt? Mr.
Blackwell would have a fit!
>Chamber: I can't believe that you just did that!
Tom:: Well, I can believe that Marvel would take perfectly good characters, and trash them like this. Man, this is the biggest waste of cool characters I've seen since that Commission fanfic "Honey Moods."
>That was my last good pair!
>Jubilee: Don't you mean your only pair?
Angel: [as Jubilee] At least I'm spared your knobby knees for awhile.
>Husk: Can you two Please keep it down?
Big John: There are five of us here, and we're
not about to be silent on the matter.
Crow: [as Jubilee] It's Chamber's fault.
Tom:: [as Chamber] No bloody way! It's
Jubilee's fault.
Mike: I don't care who started it, I'm ending
it now!
Big John: Oh look, Jubilee's lips magically
lost the lipstick on them...
Angel: This scenario brought to you by the
letters X and Y.
>Chamber: I dunno. Can you quit listening to Garth Brooks?
Angel: [as Husk] I'm not about to give up my Garth! You Limeys just don't appreciate quality when you see it!
>Husk: Oh, wow. Is that a bag of your underwear?
Crow: Or did a skunk crawl into that bag and
die? Phew!
Mike: [as Chamber] Don't change the subject on
me, woman!
>No, get out. I don't even wanna talk to you now.
Big John: Here's the pitch... oh, strike three! You're out!
>I can hear you beating that stuff into submission before it goes into the wash.
Big John: [before Mike can cut in, sings] Nasty habits I -
(Mike and Angel reach over and strike Big John.)
Big John: OW!
Angel: Keep it PG rated.
>I can hear it wailing from down here.
Mike: And don't try this one either.
Angel: Ah, men just don't know how to take care
of their clothes.
>Chamber: What did I ever do to you, Paige?
Mike: [as Husk] You broke my heart, you
love-em-and-leave-em type! We had a good thing going,
and then you went and left me!
Crow: Mike, that was an alternate reality.
Mike: I have a life, so I have an excuse for
not understanding this.
>Husk: Nothing, thank God.
>Chamber: I could drown you in these, you know...
Tom:: Liquid underwear? I'm not too sure I want
to know about that one...
Crow: Sounds like one of Pearl's
inventions.
Voice (From off screen): I heard that, Crow T.
Robot!!
>stick the bag over your head and tie it shut around your neck if that's what you'd like...
Mike: But it's not raining outside.
>Voice: Jonothon, darling....
Big John: Who does she think she is, Cher?
Mike: That was highly uncalled for, Big
John.
>White Queen: Darling, please. I had a heavy night with the cristal. Please, before I expire.
Crow: So that explains why she looks like she's
so drugged up...
All: Just say no, people!
Mike: Since when did she lounge around in a
bathrobe?
Big John: Since now. You know, change is good,
except when you're changing it for the worse.
>That's a good boy.
Crow: Now beg for your reward...
Tom: Ruff!
>This is the Massachusetts Academy.
Tom:: [as the White Queen] It's none of your business whether or not my refrigerator is running!
Crow: [as the White Queen] There's nobody here by that name! >No darling, this isn't Emma Frost.
Tom:: It's just a cheap facsimile.
>I'm her stalker.
Crow: It's a rehash of Single White Female!
>I break into her office every few weeks just to answer the phone.
Angel: You know, you might want to seek some
psychiatric counseling for that.
Big John: Let's spare readers the psychologist
riff.
>I see.
>Weevil.
>Now then, Jono dear. Pour that coffee with some
gusto.
Tom:: O.k.... now how do you do that?
Crow: I'm not too sure I want to know.
>Auntie Emma just made another hundred million.
Mike: I thought you were in financial
trouble!
Crow: Change is good. But this kind of change
isn't.
>Where's Sean?
Angel: If he had any sense, he'd be avoiding
this all together.
Big John: Knowing Marvel they'll probably turn
him into a carbon copy of Cable.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Commercials. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are all standing around several empty coffee mugs which are on the table. Mike holds a coffee pot.)
Tom:: So how do you pour coffee with gusto?
Mike: It's easy, Tom. You just do it like
this.
(Mike makes several dramatic moves while pouring coffee into one of the coffee mugs. He then ends up spilling some of the coffee on Tom.)
Tom:: AAAHHH!!! I'm not waterproof, you
know!!
Mike: I'm sorry, Tom.
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We've got comic book sign!!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
Mike: Get ready for it again...
>Banshee: Here, pay attention.
Big John: We're so broke we can't pay
attention!
Crow: [old man voice] Ah, these kids today have
the attention span of a flea!
>Let's see what I can tell yeh about not gettin' yourselves killed, then.
Mike: [as Banshee] Of course, death means
nothing in the Marvel Universe, since you'll just get
resurrected again.
Angel: Who was the fashion consultant for this
issue? Cher? Those uniforms are appalling at best.
>This ruined bit of the academy grounds makes for an ideal trainin' area for the nastier aspects of what I can teach yeh.
Mike: What happened to the danger room? Where
is continuity?
Tom:: [sings] Where have all the flowers gone/
Gone, so long ago....
>And while were here and all, let's think for a bit about how it got this way, shall we?
Angel: Think? You mean they're supposed to
think?
Big John: I understand Generation X is really
popular with the brain dead crowd these days.
>I've been in covert ops since I was a child. Workin' undercover for Interpol was the closest I ever got to a proper day job.
Big John: [sings] My stupid day job/ My stupid
stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid day job/ Now it's
time for all of us who have a stupid day job to unite
against the forces that control us! Yes! Fight the
power!
Mike: I'm not too sure I want to know who that
was.
Crow: [as Banshee] And no matter how many times
I tried to get that McJob, they kept rejecting me!
>While Emma teaches yeh how to be sneaky an' work information an' manipulate people an' all that deep black Hellfire Club business...
Mike: [as Banshee] I'll teach you how to speak
in run-on sentences!
Tom:: Is it just me or is Banshee starting to
sound like Cable?
Big John: It's not just you, Tom.
>... I'll teach you how to stay alive while yeh're doing it. How's that?
Crow: [as Banshee] Rule #1: Don't get killed.
Mike: [as Banshee] Rule #2: When you do get
killed, make sure you're going to be resurrected
again.
>Right then, Mister Espinosa.
>Skin: It's Angelo. I'm not my old man.
Crow: I can't help it if my family disowned me!
>Banshee: C'mon then, have a go.
Mike: Not one word out of any of you.
Big John: You really know how to stop a good
riff dead in its tracks.
>Let's see what that stretchy prehensile skin is
really good for. How fast can you get?
Crow: Erm... scratching that itch on the hard to reach spots on your back?
>Skin: You sure you up for this, old man?
Mike: And don't try this one either.
Big John: Not touching that one with a 10 foot
pole.
>Banshee: Come on then, wee lad.
Angel: What's the point of all this? They're
doing all that stuff, Skin's wearing dopey looking,
passé crew pants, what for?
Tom:: I'm not sure I want to find out.
>(Skin swipes at Banshee, missing.)
Crow: [as a taunting child] Missed me! Missed
me! Now you got to kiss me!
Mike: Erm... didn't they say they never would
fight each other in Generation X #1?
Tom:: Mike, Mike, Mike... this is the
"reinvented" Generation X. All continuity has been
thrown away.
Big John: My programmer used to say "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, they certainly fixed
something that was broken here...
>Voice: Yeh've been around me long enough now to know
that my mutant powers are sound-based --
>-- an' I can use hard sonic pulses to move myself
about pretty quickly. Yeh should've been expectin'
that just now.
Crow: [a la Monty Python] Noo-body expects the
Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapons are fear and
surprise, surprise and fear! And a loyal devotion to
the Pope - oh rot.
Tom:: And Generation X's weapons are bad
dialogue, mischaracterizations, and rotten plots!
Angel: Plot? Are you sure this has a plot to
it?
Mike: I haven't seen one either.
>Banshee: Can yeh not be so stupid, Angelo?
Crow: [as Skin] I'm a Marvel character! They're
the ones that make me stupid!
Big John: [as Skin] I come from an
underprivileged family! You didn't have a crack addict
for a mother!
(Angel reaches over and strikes Big John.)
Big John: Ow! Hey, that wasn't sexually
oriented.
Angel: But it's just as offensive. We've got
too many people using illegal drugs today, Big John.
We don't need more.
>If yeh get the chance to know your enemy...
>... Use it.
Mike: Don't try this one either.
Big John: Aw, gee Mike. You're taking all the
good ones away.
>Right then. Monet, in twenty seconds I'm gonna tap yeh on the shoulder. Any ideas on how to stop me?
Crow: I think a better question would be how do we stop this comic book.
>M: Miss St. Croix will be perfectly fine, Mister Cassidy.
Tom:: Looks like someone woke up on the wrong
side of the bed this morning.
Angel: What I'd like to know is how is her
skirt staying up like that?
>Banshee: Concentrate on what's at hand, Monet. Ten seconds. What're yeh gonna do?
Mike: I've given up caring.
All but Mike: So have we.
>M: Oooof!
Crow: And once again, Generation X means "a
bunch of bumbling idiots who couldn't fight their way
out of a paper bag."
Tom:: Bob Harras must really hate Generation X
to inflict this much damage on them.
>Banshee: I sorta assumed yeh would offer a bit more
challenge there, Monet.
>Is that really the best yeh can do?
Angel: [as M] I can't help it! This writer is an idiot and I'd be lucky to beat a snail in a race!
>Banshee: Yeh got to learn to get your control back, Monet.
Angel: [as M] I'm sorry, but Marvel took it away from me when they threw away continuity!
>I knew what yeh're feelin'
Crow: Ah feel your pain.
Big John: Just come sit on Daddy's knee and
tell me all your problems...
Mike: Not quite.
>I really do.
Tom:: [as Banshee] Yesiree bob I sure do! Yes
indeedilie doodlie!
Angel: [as M] That doesn't make me feel better!
>But self-destruction isn't gonna change the past.
Mike: Nope. But throwing away all continuity is sure gonna change sales... for the worse.
>I've lost more loves to this game than yeh can
imagine. I know how it feels to wake up and wish yeh
were dead too.
Tom:: And this is suppose to make her feel
better?
Big John: Frankly, the emotion I'm experiencing
now is disgust.
All but Big John: You're not alone in that.
>I miss Everett, too, yeh know. We all do.
Mike: Where did Synch die?
Crow: This is supposed to have taken place six
months since the last issue. I for one wish they
wouldn't have done this.
Big John: Poor Synch! He was one of the better
members of Generation X. This is a big waste of a cool
character. He had a lot of potential.
Angel: This whole comic book is a waste of
paper.
Tom:: This isn't just a travesty to Synch -
it's a dismal comment on Marvel in General.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are breathing easy now that they have a brief respite. The mads light comes on.)
Tom:: Thank goodness for this break. I don't
know how much more my logic circuitry could have
taken.
Big John: Even seeing Pearl naked wasn't this
bad.
(The screen opens, and shows Brain Guy there.)
Brain Guy: Mike, I really sympathize with you
on this one. I think Pearl's found her bad piece of
media. It's a shame we have to waste two good minds
like yours on this stuff. Anyway, Bobo and I have
taken up a collection amongst the Observers, and we're
going to send you to psychiatric counseling once
you've snapped.
Mike: That's nice of you to offer, but my mind
hasn't snapped.
Crow: [interjecting] Yea, and it's not gonna!
So keep your therapy!
(Commercial light comes on.)
Brain Guy: As you wish...
(The screen closes.)
Tom:: We've got commercial sign.
Mike: We'll be back after this.
(Commercials. More stuff crammed down your throat. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are lounging around.)
Mike: Well, since this is the last break, we're
supposed to do something related to the comic book
we've been sent.
Big John: That's kind's kind of hard, Mike.
Since the comic book we've gotten has no plot to
it.
Crow: You could try teaching us like Banshee
did.
Angel: I'll lounge around in a bathrobe and
pretend I have a hangover like the White Queen did.
Big John: I wouldn't mind seeing that.
(Angel, not amused, slaps Big John.)
Big John: OW!
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
Crow: Into the fire we go again....
>Husk: Huh, that's weird.
Tom:: [as Husk] I could have sworn I was drinking mineral water! I must have my Perrier!
Crow: I could have had a V-8!
Mike: With all those empty cans, it's a wonder
she's not bouncing off the walls.
>What's up, Emma?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] Looks like the ceiling
to me...
Angel: [as the White Queen] Man, all this
throwing away continuity has given me the biggest
headache...
>White Queen: Are you quite incapable of forming the phrase "Miss Frost"? [sic AGAIN]
Crow: [as Husk] Ah can't hep it if we're so bad we can't do anything right!
>Ah, never mind. My Realtor just e-mailed me the
contracts on an island I just sold.
>Husk: You have an island?
Angel: [as Husk] Wired! Ah must have mah wired!
>White Queen: Had, dear.
Angel: [as the White Queen] But I just sold it,
are you deaf or something!?
>Discovered in my dear sister Adrienne's real estate
portfolio.
Tom:: Uh... you might want to have asked her
before you sold it.
Crow: I got a bad feeling about this one....
Angel: Oh look, she's suddenly gotten a tan...
I wonder how she did that.
>Not much good to her now, is it?
Big John: So is she dead? Man, what a waste of
a halfway decent villain!
Crow: That's Marvel in a nutshell.
Angel: What amazes me is how she can spill hot
coffee on herself and not fell any pain, or even get
her robe dirty. I wish I had a wardrobe like that.
>Heard you muttering back there in your little "Don't bother me when I am working" room, Paige. Anything wrong?
Tom:: Do you want the 5 minute version or the
full half hour version?
Crow: Let's see here, the script for starters,
the characterization, the lack of a plotline...
Mike: Crow, this is long enough. We don't want
to loose what few readers we still have.
>Husk: Y'know, I'm not sure.
Tom:: If Hama is secretly writing this or
not.
Crow: Oh please, don't start that again.
>Come and tell Auntie Emma about it, dear.
Angel: So now she's Husk's aunt?
Big John: [suggestively] Yes, just sit on this
stool here, and tell me your worries...
Mike: Do you mind?
>Husk: I dunno... it's weird.
Crow: [as Husk] One moment we had a semblance of continuity, then the next, poof!
Mike: I'm beginning to think continuity is a dirty word at Marvel.
>I mean, ok, you know we follow a lot of stuff on the internet, right?
Mike: Considering how many people have been
whining about the lack of quality in Generation X, and
their desire to have Lobdell write it again, I doubt
it...
Crow: I guess they thought throwing away all
continuity would silence the critics...
Tom:: This, however, will make them scream EVEN
LOUDER.
>Underground news sites, fax lists, stuff like
that?
>White Queen: Mmm. I know, dear. I pay the telephone
bills.
Big John: [as the White Queen] and the internet
bills as well. I wish you would stop visiting
www.bigstud.com.
Mike: So put netnanny on it.
Angel: Hey, Husk got herself a tan as well. I
wonder what their secret is?
>Husk: Oh, yea. Well, anyway, we try to monitor all the mutant hate stuff, and since the Columbine thing we've been following suppression stories, too.
Crow: [as Husk] Ah can't stand being on the net 24 hours a day! When am I gonna get a break from this!?
>It all started with that movie, "The Grid". [sic] It was held back on video because of all the concealed-weapons-in-the-black-trenchcoat footage, right? Tom:: Or maybe it's because nobody really wanted to see it.
>White Queen: Mmm.. probably had more to do with promoting the DVD format, but please continue....
All: Let's not and say we did.
>Husk: Yeah, well, that's what they said, anyway. But I'm starting to recognize a pattern in the stories we follow.
Crow: [as Husk] And if I could just link it all to the Kennedy assassination, my conspiracy theory would be proven!
>Remember that kid who wrote this violent story for school and it got him arrested? It made the papers... ?
Tom:: Sadly, that kid now works at Marvel!
Crow: I didn't think he'd sink so low.
>White Queen: Hmm, yes. It was about killing his classmates, wasn't it? They had him arrested in case he grabbed a gun out of daddy's sock drawer and did it for real.
Mike: Looks like someone can't separate fact
from fiction here...
Big John: Sadly, the Dead Milkmen warned us
about this back in 1985, and nobody listened to
them!
Angel: What are you talking about?
Big John: They had this song "Violent School"
that talked about it. It went kinda like this: [sings]
Violence rules/ Violence rules/ Guns are cool/ And
we've got guns/ In our school.
Mike: You know, kids are violent because the
school environment fosters violence. In my school, you
weren't cool unless you had beaten up at least three
people.
>Husk: Yea, but it's happening a lot, in other schools, and mainstream news isn't picking up on it.
Crow: They're still too concerned with those darned Clinton sex scandals.
>The kids get taken away, right? Arrested and stuff, but they never come back.
Mike: Hey, the Clockwork Orange treatment takes a lot of time, you know.
>White Queen: How odd.
>Husk: Yeah.
Tom:: This message sponsored by the paranoid schizophrenics of America. Remember, you're out to get us!
>After, you know, what happened... we all decided that we wanted to make a difference of some kind, Emma.
Angel: [as the White Queen] That's Miss Frost
to you again! Now you're getting an F for the day!
Crow: [old man accent] Ah, you crazy kids, you
think you can go out and change the world! Well, you
can't so lie back and enjoy it!
>We're not training to be super heroes anymore, ok? And we're never gonna be the X-Men.
Crow: [as Husk] Because the X-Men are usually
the ones who get the halfway decent writers and
artists!
Big John: So what are you training to be?
Punching bags?
>Or even X-Force.
Mike: Well, the first thing step you can take is cleaning up your grammar! Don't you know it's bad to start a sentence with a conjunction?
>I don't think
All: Not surprised.
>any of us think that way anymore.
Crow: [as Husk] With all the changes and disregards for continuity, we've had to stop thinking all together just to keep from going insane!
>And no mater what Sean says, we're not just training to survive in the so-called "world that hates and fears us," either.
Tom:: I'm not too sure I want to know what else
you're training for.
Big John: Not touching that one with a ten foot
pole.
>Emma, these people are disappearing are my age, and younger... and they didn't even do anything.
Crow: Well, in the eyes of some people, being
born is a crime.
Mike: What's really sad is that people like
that get punished while people who put works like this
out get away scott free!
>White Queen: You want to look into this, Paige?
Big John: Well, I wouldn't mind looking down your robe, babe!
(Mike reaches over and hits Big John.)
Big John: Ow! Come on, you like sex too.
Mike: There is a time and place for everything,
Big John. This is not the time for sex.
>Husk: Yeah, I want to do something about this. It's wrong.
Crow: [as Husk] Yea, I'm waiting until I'm 18!
(Angel reaches over and strikes Crow in the beak.)
Crow: Ow!
Angel: Don't ask, don't tell.
>White Queen: Well, whatever you need, it's yours,
dear.
>I did just sell an island, after all.
Crow: [as Husk] Great! I could use a good
makeover here...
Angel: Is it just me or has the name "Emma
Frost" suddenly turned into "Bumbling lush designed to
make everyone else look better?"
All but Angel: It's not you.
>(Scene shifts to juvenile hall.)
>Policeman: Jonathan Somers?
>Jonathan: Yes.
Mike: Oh no! Not another Summers!
Tom:: Mike, it's spelled differently.
Mike: This is new continuity. They've probably
changed the spelling of Summers to Somers.
All but Mike: Ick.
>Policeman: Up. You're being moved.
Tom:: [sings] Move on up/ Towards your destination/ You may find/ From time to time/ Complications....
>Jonathan: Am I going home?
Angel: [a la "The Wizard of Oz"] There's no
place like home/ There's no place like home...
Tom:: [sings] I'm going home....
>Policeman: No.
Crow: [as the policeman] Your parents don't care about you anymore! They threw you at us, and said take care of him!
>Jonothan: All I did was
Mike: [as Jonathan] Ask for some decent
writing. Is that too much to ask?
Big John: [as the policeman] Forget it, kid.
Such a thing is forbidden in Marvel.
>make a videotape. We were just talking about the
killings.
Tom:: [sings] We don't need no killing Lord/ I
don't wanna see my mama cry...
Big John: But one thing that sure has died is
Marvel's ability to put out a great comic book. Well,
except for one or two Avengers issues...
>I've been here four days. I didn't do anything.
Crow: [as Jonothan] I didn't do it! I swear I
didn't do it! It wasn't me! No way!
Tom:: Denial... a better place to be than
demississippi!
>Can I at least see my mom?
Crow: Your parents have disowned you, kid. Get lost.
>Man: We'll take it from here, officer.
>Policeman: Sorry, son, there are just things you
shouldn't talk about....
>(Jonathan gets beaten, drugged up, and taken
away.)
Angel: Is there a point to all this? There's no plot to this story! It's just a bunch of random mutterings and forshadowings of things to come thrown together.
(The lights come up, the doors open, and then we go to commercials. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are standing around the place.)
Angel: It's really sad that kids today have to
take up arms to defend themselves and get an
education.
Mike: Even sadder is that kids who do this
stuff are singled out as "what's happening with youth
today" when the vast majority of students don't fit
that model.
(The Mads light comes on.)
Crow: I'm glad I'm not a human going to high
school. It's bad enough they have to deal with the
pressures of underage drinking, sex, drugs, homework
and smoking, but when you add this to the mix...
Tom:: It makes you wonder if there's any hope
for the future.
(The screen opens up, and shows Pearl there.)
Pearl: Mike, I've decided to do something about
the rash of kids who are committing violence.
Mike: I have a feeling I'm not going to like
this one...
Pearl: I've decided to take a few of them on to
help me in my mad scientist endeavors. I've got the
first one coming in right about now....
(Pause.)
Pearl: RIGHT ABOUT NOW!!!
(Enter Brain Guy.)
Brain Guy: Our apologies, lawgiver... but the
youths that we hired didn't show up.
Pearl: Hmm... well, you can't blame a woman for
trying. Well, next time, we're going to have a movie
in it that features Dennis Hopper... and not much
else. You know it's a classic sign of being terrible
when it's straight to video.
Mike: I think I can wait until then...
(Enter a young man, sporting a leather jacket, and dressed all in black.)
Man: You called for someone on a work release
program?
Pearl: Ah, yes. Come in. We've got a lot of
research piling up here...
Man: I don't do research, except on the
internet.
Pearl: [slightly taken aback] Well, all right,
the computer is over there...
(The man goes over to the computer, and sits down.)
Man: What is this? A Pentium II 300 megahertz
processor!? Why don't you just give me a mouse in a
cage on a wheel while you're at it?
Pearl: You'll have to excuse us, Mike. I'm
afraid I'm going to have to show our friend here what
it means to question my authority....
(Our screen shuts off.) Man: AH!!
(end credits. Stinger line:)
S.H.I.E.L.D. agent: Oh, GOD!
