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HAMA IT UP: RUBIEN'S REVENGE (Or, Unlike the Commission, We Do Research On Our Characters) written by Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor and Multi-Facets 0xxxx)>>>>>>>>>>>>>>j>
I thank Kairi for agreeing t' work with me on this 'fic for his "No Need For Hama" series. I really enjoyed it, Shadow Sage. C ya!
Rubien Diaz lurked in the NetherRealm of fanfiction limbo, cursing the many writers who had driven him to this. The 'fic writers had ruined his beautiful plan to have Emplate destroy the merged worlds, and crushed him under a stupid ship. There had to be some way to avenge this, there had to be! All he needed was someone capable of pulling him out of Limbo and acting as a vessel for his spirit. Someone cunning and hated by many comicdom fans....
Of course! Diaz smacked his forehead in disgust, wondering why he hadn't thought if that particular person before. He was perfect!
With a wicked grin, Diaz honed his thoughts and zeroed in on Larry Hama.
Currently, the writer was diddling around on his computer, conjuring up yet another just-begging-to-be-MiSTed story. But that all ended when the keyboard started typing itself.
Larry Hama, this is Rubien Diaz. I must have your assistance.
"Diaz? No way? He croaked when that ship crash-landed on him," Hama argued, thinking, This is too whacked! I'm talking to my computer.
This IS Diaz, scrolled across the screen. I want revenge on those blasted fanfic writers, especially Kairi Taylor, who brought on my demise.
"Kairi, huh? The guy who turns into a fox when he gets a cold bath?" Hama inquired. "Well, who wouldn't want revenge on him? I mean, he's only killed you, taunted me, wasted all our good work.... Come to think of it, I'd really like a fox pelt to give to one of my relatives. Okay, I'll help: What do I need to do?"
Just close your eyes.
Hama obeyed, and Diaz let his incorpereal form slide into him.
There was a BANG and a BOOM, and when the smoke cleared, a new entity stood in the office. "We are now Diaz-Hama," he/they announced in a booming voice. "Beware! We're after you, fanfiction stars."
Another explosion occurred and the combined entity vanished.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Washu looked up from feeding little Hideo when red lights started zipping around her equipment. Quickly she checked her readouts and blanched. "Uh oh," she groaned, and picked up the phone to alert the Fanfiction Writers' Guild.
The phone rang a few times before someone picked up. "Heya, 'Fic Guild member here," a cheerful Western drawl greeted.
"Oh, good. It's you, Humber," Washu said. "You must evacuate the Guild headquarters and come to my lab right now! It's important."
"When is that ever not so," Humber12/Blackwolf (or H12/B if ya wanna keep it short) grumbled.
"What's not ever so?" Kairi asked, striding into the room.
"Hiya, SS. It's Washu. Here, maybe you should talk t' her," H12/B told him, tossing him the phone.
Kairi caught before it could bonk him on the nose and settled it against his ear. "Washu? What's wrong?" He paused, listening. "Uh-huh. WHAT?! That's terrible. Yes, I'll get them evacuated right now. We'll meet you there," he finished, and threw the phone back to H12/B. She caught it and hung up just as Kairi hit the Guild's address system. "Everyone evacuate now! Diaz has merged with Hama, and he's after the people who starred in my last story!"
There was no answer. "Guys?" Kairi called. "Hey, do you hear me?"
A gravelly voice echoed back. "It's too late, Taylor," the voice cackled. We have them all! Well, almost all, but we'll get them!"
"Yea right," someone growled from the door. Kairi looked up in time to see Jubilee and Ryoko come barreling through the door and barricading it behind them.
A relieved Kairi turned away from the intercom. "Am I glad to see you two," he stated.
"Yeah, same here." Ryoko added. "You wouldn't happen to have that bottle of sake you've been hoarding, would ya? I'm tired."
"Um, excuse me, but we do have an insane merge-man on the loose in the HQ," Jubilee interjected. "How're we gonna get outta here?"
The small group went deep in thought. Suddenly, Ryoko grinned devilishly. "Anybody got any copies of pre-Hama Generation X comics?"
"I do!" H12/B said immediately, yanking some from her backpack. "I think I know what you're up to, but if you damage 'em I get a refund," she warned, handing them over.
Ryoko nodded in agreement. "I'll catch up to you soon," she promised, and teleported to the lobby, where Diaz-Hama lay in wait. While she distracted and horrified them with GOOD writing, the other three snuck out the back and ran all the way to Washu's lab.
Back at Washu's lab, Kairi picked up Hideo as Jubilee said, "Ok, to review, half of us half gone missing, Rubien has merged with Hama to make some lame- ass villain, & we're forced to hiding out here! It's official, this reeks!"
"I'll say," Ryoko concurred as she teleported into the lab. "How the heck did this happen?"
As Ryoko handed H12/B her comics back, Washu explained, "Well, it's kinda tricky to explain, but I think what I can tell you can help us."
"We're all ears," Jubilee stated.
"Well, when our old friend Rubien was crushed by the falling ship, his soul was sent into writer limbo, the place where particularly malevolent literary entities end up. But unfortunately, Rubien found the ever-present loophole."
"Hama," H12/B snarled. "Why him, though?"
"He's a particularly dark soul himself." Kairi said with a snort. "Besides, a writer so hated as him would be perfect for Rubien to take over. Well, that & the fact that you just can't stay dead in Marvel these days."
"Is there even a concept of dying?" Ryoko questioned.
"We're lucky my spectral energy machine caught on early." Washu said. "But I think his real target is Kairi."
"Eh, why me?" Kairi asked uncomfortably.
"I guess he, or they, have a score to settle," Jubilee replied. "I mean, you've humiliated, blown up & damn near killed them."
"Plus the whole insanity bit," Ryoko added.
"We're gonna need some help to take care of this," H12/B said authoritatively. "I've got someone in mind."
"Is there anybody else?" Kairi inquired.
"Well, Artie's somewhere around here," Washu said. "I think he'll be helpful."
"I'll go get Mousse," Jubilee volunteered. "He doesn't know what's happened with Mihoshi yet."
At that moment, the lab door opened & Cloud, trying to catch his breath, dashed in. "Kairi, what's the problem?" he puffed.
"Well, it's about Yuffie," Jubilee began.
"Hama's holding her & our other friends hostage," Kairi explained. "We need your help."
"Huh, Yuffie? I thought saving her would be your job since she's your fiancee," Cloud returned.
"She is not my-- wait a sec, FIANCEE?!" Kairi yelled in shock.
"Well, we're kinda low on numbers," Jubilee butted in. "We need all the help ya can give."
"It'll be fun!" Ryoko interjected.
"Hold on a minute, what's this about me & Yuffie being engaged?" Kairi blurted. "I'm not even going out-"
"I guess I can help here," Cloud said.
"Who told you this about Yuffie and Kairi?" Washu queried of Cloud.
"Um, I think it was Angelo. He also said Ryoga & Ukyo were going out too, among other stuff," Cloud answered.
"If Hama & Diaz don't get him, I will!!" Kairi grumbled, taking out a laser pistol.
"So, when's the wedding date?" H12/B asked her fellow ficcer teasingly.
"Don't you start."
-------------------------
Mousse stood ready, his back to the wall. The five little android pigs (Kairi's note: remember, only Hama could come up with this stupid kinda android, so don't blame me. I'm only guessing how this man would go about it.) He sighed, grumbling, "Would it kill Hama to come up with something ORIGINAL for me to fight?" As two of the pigs closed in, one of them said, "Mas-ter Ham-a-Diaz wish-es you to come quiet-ly now or you will be buzz-ed."
"Hama-Diaz? Crap, not this M-Plate thing again," Mousse groaned. "Take this-- FIST OF THE WHITE SWAN!!"
Faster than the androids could process, Mousse whipped out a razor sharp claw-like weapon & lopped off the heads of the attacking pigs. The last three whipped out ray gun-like weapons & as they closed in, Mousse prepared to strike again.
CLANG!! WHACK!! CLANG!!
As Mousse looked on in shock, a girl with green hair wearing a white shirt & jeans, wielding a short sword, landed in front him. The pigs dropped into several pieces as he said, "Um.... wow, thanks. I guess."
"Don't mention it. Hey, can we go find Washu? I really got to talk to her."
"Yeah, sure. Say, are you from Jurai?"
"Huh? Yeah, sure. How'd you know?"
"The markings on your face. Plus the Jurai University patch on your shirt," Mousse replied.
"Oh yeah, that too."
------------------------
"Hail, hail, the gang's all here," H12/B said as the small group assembled.
"Yer not gonna break into song, are you?" Jubilee asked.
H12/B snorted, offended. "I'm a great singer," she muttered.
Washu ignored them and sized up the force: Mousse, the green-haired girl, H12/B's pal May from the anime movie "Sol Bianca", Artie, Cloud, Ryoko, Jubilee, and, of course, Kairi. All were armed and ready to go. "I think it's safe to send you into the field," Washu commented. "Step into the transporter and I'll send you off," she ordered.
As the temporary team filed into the transporter, Washu caught H12/B's wrist. "For this mission, don't be afraid to unleash your other sides, if need be," she advised.
H12/B looked uncertain. "But I've only used one of them twice and the others not at all," she protested.
"Try anyway," Washu insisted.
"Hey Twelve, what's keeping you?" Kairi called. "We need to get going!"
Washu let H12/B go and the girl hurriedly stepped in with the rest of them. Washu activated the transport and the team vanished into the waiting Sol Bianca.
Hama-Diaz stood at the console within their newly-created flying airship HQ, looking out among the rather unique android lineup. Due to Hama's insistence that he design the androids, Diaz looked among the various cyber-killers & let out a sigh: in addition to the android pigs with lasers, Hama came up with robot-dwaves armed with flaming axes, wolves with anti-personnel grenades & giant faeries that held laser rifles. "Hama," Diaz sighed, "next time, before you design deadly weapons, please don't use your old fairy tale book for references!"
"Oh c'mon," Hama smiled. "It's gonna work out. They'll either be horribly massacred or psychologically scarred from the experience. It'll drive 'em nuts."
"If you ask me, Kairi already has done that," Diaz muttered. "I just hope the prisoners are secure."
"Heh, the cube will hold them for certain," Hama boasted proudly. "I just wanna get me some of Kairi."
"We both do," Diaz assured him. "He'll be here if he wants to see his friends & his precious little fiancee again."
"Who, Yuffie?"
"No, Ukyo!"
"No way, man. I hear it's Yuffie!"
"Yeah, sure...."
------------------------
On the Sol-Bianca, Kairi paced nervously across the bridge while May explained the situation at hand. "As you can see here from the spy photos," she stated, "the airship is hovering 2,000 feet over New York. There seems to be a set of robots flying close to the ship."
"Is it my imagination," Mousse mused, "or are those robotic fairies doing the flying thing?"
"C'mon," Ryoko scoffed. "No one's that much of a fruitcake to build some-thing like that."
"Uh, excuse me, but are we talking about the same Hama here?" H12/B questioned pointedly.
"Actually, they are robo-faires," May replied.
The whole group gave a unanimous groan at this little detail as Kairi said, "Well, it's gonna be tricky to get in. Any ideas?"
"I have an plan that could work out," Jubilee suggested. "Ok, we form 2 teams. Team A will consist of myself, Ryoko, the new girl, Artie & Cloud. Team B will consist of Kai--"
"No," Kairi firmly denied. "Not that plan. I don't think so."
"Well then, you got any other ideas?" Jubilee snapped.
"Actually, I gotta know something," Cloud remarked. "Who's this girl who saved Mousse?"
"Well, it's a bit of a long story," the girl said. "My name is Miyuki. I'm kinda from the future."
"Kinda?" May blurted, confused. That didn't make sense. Either Miyuki was from the future or not.
"Yeah, but I can't really tell you anything right now. All I can tell you is Washu had arranged for me to come here," Miyuki said.
"Washu, huh? No surprise there. Well, so much for that," H12/B shrugged. "Man, we gotta find something or someone t' even things out."
Jubilee rapped her fingers on her chair & questioned, "Yeah, a real ace, but what? All our big weapons are in the Guild & the Guild's taken over by android pi---what the hell am I saying? Let's go in there first & get our stuff!!"
"There is one other person who can help us out," Kairi said. "I think she can tell us how to separate Diaz and Hama."
"Who?" Jubilee asked
"Aeris."
"What is this a joke?" Cloud scoffed. "She's dead, I'm fairly certain of it."
"No, dude, she is here," Kairi repeated, very assured.
"Really? What, she's a ghost or something?" Jubilee quipped.
"No, I'm right here, silly." The voice that emanated from Kairi was distinctly feminine & polite. The group watched in surprise as Kairi transformed into Aeris, with a huge smile on her face.
"Great, so Kairi's possessed," H12/B sighed. "This is kinda routine," she added, aimlessly toying with the small, reddish-black vial around her neck.
"How long has you been in Kairi?" asked Miyuki.
Artie had a word balloon over his head pop up with a calendar that said March on it.
"Artie? You KNEW?" Ryoko asked, shocked.
"Well, he can keep a good secret," Aeris clarified. "I've been teaching Kairi & Artie magic for a while."
Cloud, walking closer to her, whispered "Aeris...."
"Cloud, it's been a while," she quietly said.
Cloud gave her a hug & said, "I've missed you so much."
"Where're the popcorn and drinks when ya need 'em?" Jubilee snickered.
Then, Cloud heard May gulp & say "Uh oh." Cloud looked down & saw Aeris had changed & he was holding Kairi's body. Kairi had that look on his face, the look Akane would give Ranma before she would hurt him. Violently.
"Cloud...."
"Um, I can explai-"
"HENTAI!!! LEACHH!!! JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Kairi yelled out as he began to stomp on Cloud with metal-cleated shoes.
"I guess we have our ace," Miyuki groaned.
"Some ace," May giggled.
Miyuki and Mousse broke up Kairi and Cloud, tossing them into separate corners. "This isn't exactly the time for a fight, y'know," Miyuki said matter-of-factly. "We need to infiltrate Hama-Diaz's ship and get our friends out."
Kairi fumed, but obeyed. "I'll get you later, Cloud," he promised. "Hey May, got any more battlesuits we could borrow?"
May shook her head. "You'll just have to make do," she said. "Sorry."
"No problem," H12/B commented cheerily. "We got weapons masters, a coupla capable mutants-" Artie and Jubilee took a bow, "-a space pirate, a Galaxy Policewoman, a victim of possession, and me. We'll be fine."
"Sarcasm duly noted," May piped.
"Not sarcasm, bald truth," H12/B retorted. "As for that plan, Jubes: I agree with it. I say Kairi/Aeris, Mousse, Miyuki, Jubilee and May team up and go after Diaz-Hama, while I take Artie and Ryoko and get into the Guild so we can find our heavy artillery."
"I'm not sure it'll work," May interjected. "The variables of defeat-"
"Just get us in there while I slip into a more battle-worthy form," H12/B ordered.
"Now this I gotta see," Mousse said as May activated the ship's "jumping technology".
H12/B uncorked her vial and lifted it to her lips. "Blended blood, lupine power, I take you into me as I have done before," she intoned, and drank from the vial. With a silent explosion of black lights, she transformed into a slim, tall young lady with black hair, brown eyes, a whip on her hip and a blackened burn scar in the shape of a wolf's head over her right eye. "Humber12 has left the building," she declared. "Make way for Blackwolf."
"I feel so much better now," Kairi snorted as the Sol Bianca rematerialized in the depths of Hama-Diaz's ship.
Quietly, as everybody slipped off the Sol Bianca, Jubilee handed Blackwolf a card-key. "If we're lucky," Jubilee explained, "those goofballs haven't found a way to break the lock to the room, so watch yerselves."
"No problem." Blackwolf smiled ferally. "Leave all the dirty little tasks up to us."
"Just make sure the guild is in one piece when you return," Kairi instructed.
Ryoko snorted. "No promises, Shadow Sage."
As Blackwolf, Artie & Ryoko teleported out, May checked out her wristband detector. "I'm getting some bio-signals coming from that hallway," she reported. "That's probably where the cells are."
"Or someone else," Mousse piped up. "It's a good place to start though."
"Hmm? You guys hear something?" Miyuki asked. A low humming started to emit from the long hallway ahead of them. Floating in & materializing from out of nowhere, 3 Robotic faeries appeared. "Hello, & welcome to Master Hama's merry land of fantasy," the Faeries chirped, "where all of his fantasies & wishes come to life!"
Everybody looked as if they were about to retch as Jubilee spat out, "Oh, fer God's sake not this again. As if the damn Pooka wasn't enough for me to live through."
"Let me take a crack at this," May volunteered. "Excuse me, I have a special wish for you cute little faeries."
"Really?" the faeries cooed. "What?"
"DIE, YOU SUGAR-COATED FREAKS OF NATURE!!!" May pulled out a large blaster & let loose with several blasts. When she stopped firing, the 3 robots lay smoking on the ground.
"Nice touch," Mousse whistled.
"Thank you," May said proudly, shouldering her blaster.
"Good thing she stopped them, too," Kairi added. "I was gonna hurl if I had to listen to that saccharine sweet stuff again."
"Oh, great, someone beat us to them," Blackwolf growled in disgust as the small group teleported into the guild. All over the guild, parts of the android pigs were laid all over the hallways. "I wanted to be the one to bust those pigs," she griped.
"I guess we have an ally here," Ryoko commented as they slowly stalked through the hallway. "You guys do realize this is really too easy, right?" Artie nodded in agreement.
"Hush up," Blackwolf growled. "I hear someone coming around the corner."
Ryoko, Artie & Blackwolf stood at attention, ready to strike with whip and magic. Suddenly, an android pig crashed into the nearby wall & shattered into pieces. Carefully peering out from the corner was Echo77, holding a rifle. "Oh, you made it," he said in relief.
"Echo?" Ryoko asked in surprise. "How did you get here?"
"I've been dodging these guys ever since I left my house," Echo77 responded. "What's going on?"
"Would you believe Hama and Diaz have teamed up?" Ryoko inquired.
Echo mulled that over. "Well, yea. Who else would have thought up android pigs?" he replied.
"That's not all he thought up," Blackwolf stated, and filled Echo in as the small group slunk to the War Room. "So now we need to break out the big guns and- Do you smell something funny?" Blackwolf asked, interrupting herself. "Something like metallic bacon?"
Ryoko peeked around a corner. "Three little android pigs," she reported. "They got tents built of straw, sticks and bricks." She squinted, watching the machines. "They've all gone into the straw tent to play poker, or something."
"How lame," Echo77 snorted.
"But it does give me a great idea," Blackwolf laughed, and passed the card keys to Artie. "Watch this."
She sauntered up to the straw tent and rapped on the wall. "Who's there?" a techno-squeaky voice called.
"Wouldja believe the big bad wolf?" Blackwolf said, her voice deeper and huskier -and a heckuva lot meaner- then usual.
The pigs went ballistic. "WOLF!" they screamed. "IT'S GONNA BLOW THE TENT DOWN!"
"I'd rather blow it _up_," Blackwolf muttered, but remembered her role and let loose an ear-splitting howl. The pigs squealed in terror, sounding like sissies of dinosaurs. "Welcome to Jurassic Pork," she laughed, and hissed to the others, "Quick, get the stuff while they're distracted!"
Echo77, Ryoko and Artie raced over to the War Room's door. Artie hastily inserted the keys into their respective slots and once the door opened the small team dashed in to collect their best weapons.
Blackwolf was starting to get bored just as the others came out with Macross jet-fighters, buckets of Jusenkyo spring water, a few bazookas and Pre-Hama issues of Generation X. "We've got the weapons! Let's go!" Ryoko yelled.
"Gimme a minute," Blackwolf said, pilfering a bazooka and aiming at the tent. "Hey pigs! Are you still afraid of the big bad wolf?"
"You better believe it!" a pig squeaked.
"Good."
With that, Blackwolf blew up the tent. The pigs flew sky-high, only to be shot down by Echo77 and Artie. "All right! Mushu pork!" Ryoko laughed.
"No time for jokes, police," Blackwolf retorted. "We've got to get back to Kairi and Co."
Ryoko sobered. "Good point," she said, and concentrated, transporting them back into the depths of Hama-Diaz's ship.
Meanwhile, Aeris/Kairi, Cloud, Miyuki, Jubilee and May had located the bridge of Hama-Diaz's ship. "My readings indicate," May stated, "that Hama/Diaz is right in the bridge over here. The others are being held in some sort of containment unit right down the hall."
Jubilee sighed, thinking aloud, "Well, I guess that means that someone's gotta distract those idiots while the rest of us frees the others."
Cloud raised his sword in agreement. "Leave it to me & Kairi."
"Yeah, I guess I can help." Kairi answered, somewhat dobutful. "But I wish I brought my staff with me, I could've cast a couple of useful spells---" At that point Aeris' voice popped in & said "Hey don't tell me you've forgotten what I taught you already!! My, we are quite forgetful aren't we?"
"I didn't forget!" Kairi protested. "It's just that.... well.…"
Myuki scratched her head & replied "Eh, don't worry about it. I'm sure that it'll probably be taken care of later."
Kairi shook his head "No, I really wanted to point out that we're being watched very closely right now. "Pointing over his head, a hi-security camera was revealed. "If we rush in there, more than likely, they'll have 2 dozen guards waiting for us."
"I see." Jubilee said. "All righty, does anybody got a back up plan?"
Miyuki removed a small red sphere from her pocket & tossed it to Cloud. "Here, use this summon Materia," she suggested. "That should keep them on their toes."
Kairi smiled & Cloud responded. "Cool. Just be careful trying to free the others."
As a dozen cyborg dwarves rounded the corner, Jubilee smiled wickedly & said. "I'm really gonna enjoy this!"
"This is truly irratating!" Monet stated as she looked all around her as Akane, Angelo, Yuffie, Ukyo & Mihoshi, who was absent-mindedly touching the panels on the wall, took in their surroundings. They were in a large cube, which resembeled a Rubik's design, with multi-colored squares. "Out of all the things to possibly insult our intelligence with, why this little contraption?"
Angelo merely nodded in agreement as Akane replied, "Well, even merged together, these two don't exactly have half a brain to begin with."
Mihoshi scratched her head & asked "Well, if it's so simple, why don't we just escape, then?"
Monet smiled, seemingly amused by Mihoshi's little observation, & replied "Even you, Mihosi, have to realize that it takes time for a greater mind such as myself---"
*COUGHegoCOUGH*
Monet glared at Yuffie, who started to whistle innocently, as Ukyo strained her ears & said "Hey, you guys hear that?"
Quite suddenly, a dwarf with an ax in its chest crashed into the room, bursting into a blaze. A few seconds later, Jubilee, May & Miyuki walked in. "Well, so much for that little diversion," May said as Miyuki examined the controls.
Akane cried, "It's good to see you made it. What happened to everyone else?"
"As far as I know," Jubilee started "Ev, Jono, Paige & Sean are on a mission in Canada. Ranma's taking care of Frosty. Tenchi & Ryoga are in the city, & Ryoko went with Humber12, or Blackwolf at the moment, to get some weapons. Now, please explain what the hell this thing is."
"Well, I suppose I could break the controls on this panel," Miyuki mused. "But it seems there's a backup generator for this, so that's out of the question."
Monet smiled & replied, "No undue worries. As I explained, it'll only take a little while for me to---"
Quite suddenly, the cube disappeared as Jubilee wisecracked, "So, wanna explain this away?"
Everybody except Yuffie looked stumped as Ukyo remarked, "Ok, so how did THAT happen."
"Ask her," Yuffie answered, pointing to Mihoshi.
"Um, I was just pressing the panels & well, I solved it. Or something," Mihoshi said meekly.
(At that point, everyone excluding Yuffie did an Anime face-fault.)
"Wait a sec," Angelo asked, quite nervous. "Is Kairi with you?"
Miyuki, avoiding his gaze, said, "Yeah, & he's quite angry at you."
"How angry?"
The steel door, still in its frame, smacked down hard on Angelo as Kairi yelled "DOES THIS ANSWER YER QUESTION ASSHOLE!!!!"
"Wow, that's definitely angry," Akane commented as Angelo was grabbed by the collar. "You wanna explain why you told everyone me & Yuffie are engaged?" Kairi growled.
Yuffie promptly hugged him from behind as she said "Wow, I didn't know you cared!"
"C'mon, keep cool." Ukyo said. "No real harm was done. It's just another of Angelo's harmless jokes."
"He also said you & Ryoga were going out."
BOOOMMMMM!!!!
The Larger-Than-Usual-Akane-Brand mallet cracked on Angelo's skull as Jubilee & Monet nodded, saying "Had it coming."
------------------
The large crowd applauded as the Mayor stood at the podium, ready to give his speech. "Wow, it's amazing how fast they built this place again." Tenchi observed. "You'd never suspect Emplate destroyed it."
Ryoga nodded in agreement & said "Well, at least the Mayor's happy that City Hall's restored."
As the Mayor was about to speak, a large fireball screamed outta the sky & slammed into the building, wrecking it.
"Knew it wouldn't last." Tenchi groaned.
The crowd turned to see a large, four legged vehicle walking into the city, & a large gattiling gun came from the side, shooitng & destroying cars & buildings (It's the level 3 boss from Metal Slug 2/X) "Oh, for God's sake, what is it NOW?!" the mayor yelled in absolute anger as the crowd ran for their lives.
Tenchi & Ryoga snuck into a small cafe as S.W.A.T. cars stormed the area. "Um, isn't this the part where some super hero is supposed to come in & save the day, or something to that effect?" Tenchi questioned.
"Well, I think we're supposed to handle this." Ryoga remarked. "I mean, we're kinda a couple of the main characters. Maybe you can use your Light Eagle Sword."
A flamethrower came from the bottom of the giant mechanism & spread flames around as Tenchi noted, "That might be a little difficult.
As the giant destroyer walked by, a car drove up to the cafe. Tigrr leapt out from the driver's side into the cafe, bringing in a large duffel bag. "Finally, I found you guys!" she gasped. "But I guess I'm too late."
"What the hell's going on?" Tenchi asked.
"Well, it's got a lot to do with Diaz & Hama." Tigrr began. "He, or they, are running amok. That giant thing just totaled New Brunswick & Salem."
"Wait, Diaz?" Ryoga asked in shock. "Ain't he dead?"
"He works for Marvel, remember?"
"Oh, right."
"Anyway, I managed to get away before their goons could capture me, but that giant thing followed me here. We're the only available ones to stop it," Tigrr finished.
"I suppose little Washu prepared you for this battle," Tenchi remarked.
Tigrr held up the bag & replied, "Give 'em a cigar."
---------------------
Mousse quickly typed at the keyboard, frantically trying to override the system as Monet entered the engine room. "How's the progress going, friend Mousse?" she asked as she sat next to him.
Frowning, Mousse replied, "Well, I managed to override two of the security locks, but the password system is really getting to me."
Monet looked at the screen & whistled. "Well, no wonder, the programming code for this system is so out of date," she observed. Taking control of the keyboard, Monet started typing a series of commands & a moments later, the main control screen popped up to them. "I'll check on the security & see how the others are doing."
As Monet clicked on the security options, the cameras revealed Ryoko & Blackwolf tearing apart cyberwolves in one area with bazookas while in another corridor, Artie & Echo blew up faeries in another section.
"I guess we're faring pretty well on our own, so far." Mousse observed. "But, why does Artie have four legs?"
"Um, Mousse," Monet started, "you're staring at the wrong camera. Please put your glasses back on." As Monet looked upon what Mousse had watched, she saw that it was what was currently happening in the city. "This is not good." she remarked as she brought up a menu. "Mousse, we have to take control of this ship very quickly, because if I'm right, that walking robot is going to have company very soon."
Mousse watched as another screen was brought up & noticed that another giant robot of the same kind coming. "I suppose you have a plan?" he asked.
"But of course."
As May walked in, she asked, "Ok, care to explain why you asked Echo to fill both the Macross fighters & this ship with a few canisters of super Nitro Glycerin?"
Ranma sighed as he sat down in the chair next to Emma Frost's room in the Tendo household. The family didn't mind her staying at the dojo, but it was one thing to wait on her all day while at the same time, trying to find out what happened to Akane. As he was thinking on this, Cologne hopped up on her walking stick. "Ah, former Son-in-Law," she said "I've been meaning to speak with you. Have you seen Mousse anywhere?"
"Mousse? Nah, I thought he'd be out with Mihoshi today," Ranma replied. "But come to think of it, I thought she & Monet would be out today too."
"I had sent him out on an errand earlier, but he has yet to return to the Nekohaten. Something must be amiss. Unfortunately, Shampoo is off training, so we must call upon your father for assistance." "Ranma, please come in here, it's very important!" Emma shouted. Ranma quickly opened the door, followed close behind by Cologne. Emma turned her cellphone off & stated. "Ranma, there are two things that must be addressed. First, I just received a call from Washu. She has informed me that both Akane & Mousse are fine & that they're helping to stop Hama & Diaz."
"Diaz?" Ranma asked, confused. "But didn't he die a--"
Cologne cleared her throat & said, "Apparently it would seem that he used Hama's body to come back to this world. That's the only way he can be here. Now, what was the other thing you wanted to tell us?"
Emma replied, "My water just broke. I'm going into labor."
Ranma chose that point in time to faint on the floor as Cologne said, "C'mon Ranma, get up. You'll need all your strength for the hospital."
"Gee, could ya have eased up on the swing there?" Angelo said as he walked into Hama-Diaz's bridge, closely followed by Ukyo, Jubilee & Yuffie as Miyuki, Kairi & Mihoshi guarded the rear.
"Try anything like that again," Ukyo started, "& I'll knock you so hard, they'll need a keg of dynamite to unearth you."
Jubilee saw the mass destruction that Cloud had caused while they were gone & whistled. "Nice touch." she said admiringly. "Well, I just wish those idiots weren't cowering under the seats while that dragon destroyed everything."
"We were not hiding!!" Hama-Diaz yelled as they burst forth from the seat. "We're merely planning our strategy. We've suffered your abuse for far too long now. Our work would have continued flawlessly, without question, had certain parties not decided to take their revenge. Now WE will do what we should--"
CCCCCCRACCCKKKKK!!!!!
"Get to the point stupid!!!" Kairi, Jubilee & Akane yelled out as the chairs hit Hama-Diaz in the skull.
"You know, the three of you really need to take that anger management class I told you about," Mihoshi said as Yuffie laughed.
"Ok, skip dramatic speech." Hama-Diaz sniffed. "How about a whiff of this!!"
Hama-Diaz pulled out two rifles, but out of nowhere, Ryoko phased in behind them & quickly snatched the guns away. "Now now, you shouldn't play with guns," she growled. "You might hurt someone."
Blackwolf came up next to her, holding several buckets of Jusenkyo water. "Time for a bath!" she shouted with malicious merriment.
"Hey, wait maybe we can talk this over..."
Kairi & Angelo took this time to punch Hama-Diaz in the gut as Jubilee yelled, "Douse them!!"
Blackwolf smiled gleefully as she poured a bucket over the villains-
Unfortunately, the water transformed them into a bear. A very big bear. As in Spirng of Drowned Angry Rabid Bear.
"Um, oops," Blackwolf said in a surprisingly meek voice.
"GGRRROOOAARRRRR!!!"
As Jubilee kept the bear at bay with her paffs, Miyuki cried, "Try the next bucket!!!"
Angelo took a bucket from Blackwolf & tossed it at the bear. The water transformed the animal into a tiger. "Oh, this is just super," Jubilee spat out. As the tiger ran towards them, Ryoko tossed Kairi's staff to him. Holding out the staff & his right arm, with middle & index finger held up, Kairi yelled "Spirit Barrier!!" & instantly the tiger was stopped by the wall.
"Ok, third time's the charm!!" Blackwolf called as she tossed another bucket of water at Hama-Diaz. That's when everybody in the room raised an eyebrow when Hama-Diaz transformed into a huge, bloodshot Red Dragon.
"Uh, just who was choosing these buckets from Jusenkyo?" Jubilee asked Kairi. "Mooouuusse," Blackwolf rumbled, her tone promising the nearsighted Chinese native death or at the very least mutilation.
"I am not surprised," Jubilee sighed.
The Hama-Diaz Dragon spat fire as everybody scrambled for cover, except for Mihoshi, who was looking at the side of one bucket. "Ok, anyone got any ideas?" Angelo said as he ducked behind the desk.
"This is one of those days where I wish I had brought that damn Knights Of The Round Materia, that is if a certain SOMEONE didn't have to hog all the good material," Yuffie added huffily.
"Hey, we all got some good stuff," Cloud retorted.
"YA STUCK ME WITH CHOCHO/MOG, A MATERIA WITH NO FRIGGIN' USE WHATSOEVER!!!"
"Choco/Mog? Ha! And everyone calls Tendo Nabiki stingy," Blackwolf laughed. "Well, does anyone have an idea?"
"Well, maybe that desperation attack of mine can work." Kairi suggested, "As long as Jubilee can hit Hama-Diaz with the biggest paff she got."
"You have a desperation attack?" Miyuki asked.
Kairi nodded, jumped out from his postion & landed in front of the dragon. Unsheathing the hidden sword from his staff, Kairi started to glow as the dragon turned to face him. Leaping up, Kairi squalled, "EAT MY FULL MOON SPECIAL!!" & swung around once, sword drawn out. A circle of blue aura energy formed around him & Kairi launched it at the Dragon, while at the same time, Jubilee screamed "SEE YA IN HELL!" & launched a huge blood red paff at it. The explosion that ensued rocked the room while at the same time everyone shielded there eyes. When the smoke cleared, the dragon still stood, looking pissed. "Um, Kairi," Angelo remarked. "He looks really pissed."
"I KNOW, I JUST TYPED IT!!!"
"Way to break the fourth wall," Akane snickered.
SPLASH!! Mihoshi doused the dragon with the last bucket of Jusenkyo water & Hama-Diaz transformed from a dragon into a deer. "Wow, I did it, I beat Hama-Diaz!!" Mihoshi smiled happily.
"Should I even ask?" Miyuki inquired.
"Anyone wanna go deer-hunting?" Blackwolf offered, holding up a rifle and licking her teeth with a grin.
"Ok, how should we drive Diaz out?" Ryoko said as Cloud helped Artie & Miyuki clean up the mess in the aisles. Humber12 & Echo sat deep in thought as Jubilee said, "Well, none of us are certified exorcists, so I think we'll need Kairi's help on this."
Kairi nodded & replied "Ok, but I really hate doing this." Kairi then transformed into Aeris as Jubilee asked. "So, can you help?" "Sure," she replied. "As long as you have a couple of copies of pre- & post- Hama Generation X."
"Sure, here everyone take one." Yuffie said as she handed each person a copy of the comic.
"The idea," Aeris explained, "is to drive the spirit out of the body with items from it's past which it considers harmful to it."
"That's a good plan," Humber12 commented. "But we have no insurance that Diaz won't come back."
"Oh, don't worry about that." Aeris assured them. "Kairi has that solution taken care of. Now, lets start."
Akane nodded & taking out a kettle of hot water, poured it over the deer's head. The deer turned into Hama-Diaz & they shouted "NOW WE WILL--"
"Gaze at this, ya big jerk!!" Akane held up a copy of Generation X #9 in front of them as they recoiled in horror. "No, keep that abomination away!!" they bawled.
"Then how about a taste of.… GENERATION X #26!!!" Yuffie shouted as she held up the infamous Jubilee-cover issue. Hama-Diaz shrieked as they were held at bay, while Cloud, Miyuki & Ryoko held up copies of issues 19, 20 & 30.
While Hama-Diaz groveled, Aeris shouted, "TAKE A GANDER AT GENERATION X ANNUAL'99!!" and whipped out said book.
Then to finish them off, Jubilee walked up to them & said bravely, "Now.… FACE THE MIGHT OF GENERATION X #1!!!" & held the issue before her. Diaz shrieked again & left Hama's body in a hurry. Hama collapsed to the floor & panted "I'll still....have...my...revenge."
Aeris transformed to Kairi & he said "Nope, not this time. You two ready?"
"Yep!!" Humber12 & Echo chorused. Grabbing Hama, they proceeded to pick him up & throw him out the window. "Well, unless you count Raab, that's one less writer to worry about," Echo crowed.
"Not so fast," Monet's voice said over the loudspeaker. "There's two giant robots attacking the city. We can get close enough to attack the first one, but we can't stop the other one, unless someone can use the Macross fighters."
"Hey, leave that to me," Ryoko said, sounding confident. Tossing a remote to Angelo, she asked, "You remember how to work the controls, right?"
"Hey, just like Space Invaders!" Angelo beamed.
"Yes, but you'll have to ram them into the robot." Monet explained.
"Excuse me, RAM?!?!"
"Well, so much for the flamethrower." Tigrr sighed as she blasted it off. "But how much longer can we hold this off?"
Tenchi & Ryoga shrugged as they blasted off the front legs of the approaching robot. "Hey, look what's coming." Ryoga pointed out as two Macross jets screamed by past them. The jets headed out towards a robot in the distance & hit it dead on, destroying it in an massive explosion.
"Well, one less problem to deal with." Tigrr sighed. "But what about that thing?"
"I believe that problem is about to be solved." Tenchi replied. The three of them noticed a massive airship coming at the robot, full speed.
"You don't suppose...." Ryoga started, but common sense took over as all three of them ran.
"Wow, what a day." Jubilee said as she watched Mousse & Mihoshi walk off together amidst the rubble. Oh, I suppose I should note that the team was successful in stopping the robot. Unfortunately, the ensuing explosion managed to take out a huge chunk of Wall Street.
"Chica, what were you thinking?" Angelo asked Monet as she sat on a nearby bench, looking at the massive wreckage.
"Well, it was a spur of the moment idea." Monet said primly. "But it worked."
"Too bad the mayor didn't see it that way." Jubilee snorted. "I think the first thing he'll do after he gets outta the hospital is confirm that he had Kairi deported out of the city."
Kairi, holding a communication watch, quickly ran up to the wandering superheroes with Akane. "Guys, you have to come back with us to Nerima. Emma's having the baby!!"
"Holy crap!" Jubilee yowled in excitement. "Now? Where's Sean?"
"He's at the hospital." Kairi answered. "Look, go on to the hospital, I gotta go find a priest!"
"A priest? Why?"
"Push Emma, Push--ARRGHHHH!!" Sean yowled in pain as Emma gripped his hand in a vicelike hold. Nearby, Washu, Kasumi & Tigrr watched as Emma yelled, "Why don't YOU push, you festering sack of male hormones?! You just had to try that damn whiskey, didn'you?"
"My, my, she's taking this quite well," Washu observed. "So, are you ready to be the proud godmother, Tigrr?"
Tigrr nodded & replied "Well, I'd thought for sure it would be Paige, but I'm cool with it."
Kasumi walked over to Emma & put a wet towel over her forehead. "Do you need anything else, Ms. Frost?" "Um, lass, could ye do me a wee favor & get th' Jaws o' Life?" Sean choked through gritted teeth. "She's crushing me hand like kindling!!!"
Just then, Kairi walked into the room, accompanied by a priest. "Ok, here ya go, one priest." he said.
The priest looked at Emma & said "Are you sure this is what you want, child?"
"Yes, please father, we both agreed to this," Emma gasped.
As she went through contraction, Ranma brought the doctor in & said "Here's the doc, let's split!"
"Agreed!!" Kairi & Tigrr said as they left the room.
"Dearly beloved," the priest began, "we are gathered here today to witness the union of-"
"ARRGHH!! Skip this part!!" Emma growled.
"Kasumi, I believe we should leave this place now," Washu stated, but Kasumi merely nodded her head.
As they left, the priest said, "Ok, let's make this short, Sir, do you take this woman to be your wife?"
"Aye, I do."
"Ma'am, do you-"
"Yes damnit!!"
"Okey dokey. Do you have any vows to exchange?" "Aye. Emma, I.... it was so hard fer me ta admit it, but I love ye. Even if we tend ta be at each other's throats, I always felt sumthin' fer ya."
"Ok, you Emma?"
"Yeah, I got a few vows! This is your fault I'm in this pain, ya loud mouthed bastard! I'm going to---" (Kairi's note: Due to the profanity laced vow, I cannot in good concience allow people to see the rest, so lets go to the next scene.)
(M-F's note: I listen to the vow anyway and fall over laughing.)
"Ok, you haven't explained fully, Miyuki," Kairi claimed as he sat down next to Yuffie. "Just who are you?"
Miyuki smiled & said cheerfully, "Knew you'd ask that. Well, I'm from 22 years into the future, but I'm 18. My full name is Miyuki Espinosa-Kojiro."
"Huh? That would mean.... Whoa, you're Angelo's kid?" Yuffie gasped. Miyuki nodded & Yuffie said, "I guess we can't tell him then."
"Yes, well, I was sent to protect him. You see, in my time, my father was severely crippled from the waist down by one of those robots. I had to protect them to make sure that it won't happen."
"I see," Kairi responded. "I guess that means he will marry someone from Jurai."
"Eventually. But there's another reason why I'm here. You must prepare yourselves, because soon, in a few months time, someone you know will attack Earth. I can only advise you keep an eye out. Well, my job is done. See you in 22 years."
As Miyuki walked out, Yuffie put her arms around Kairi's neck & said, "So, when will You propose to me?"
"NANI?!?"
"SSSH, let them sleep," Washu whispered to Jubilee & Ryoga as she closed the room door with Sean, Emma & little H.C. (Hope-Clarice) inside.
"Well, you all did well, considering the odds," Washu declared. "But I think it's time you guys start getting used to those two being married."
"Ehh, it's what we've kinda been hoping for anyway," Jubilee answered.
"Yeah, but it's kinda gonna be hard seeing those two in love." Ryoga observed.
"Don't fret, it'll seem normal within a few weeks. Speaking of love," Washu smiled, "isn't it about time you two stared out?"
As Washu strode away whistling a tune, Jubilee & Ryoga looked at each other & turned a bright beet red.
Kairi's note: Well, we hope you are enjoying this. It's been real fun!! By the way, this is the second to the last of the "No Need For Hama!" series, but don't fret, as the next comedy series, "Generation X: Anything-Goes-Super-Heroics" & an all new totally serious horror series, called "The Generation X Horror Theater" will come later this year. Well, I'm off to the Army, see ya!!
