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UNDERDEVELOPED CHARACTERS ARE EASY TO WRITE FOR The second installment in CheeseWeasel’s storyline written by Cheeseweasel
" Once upon a time there were two neighbors in Britain. They cut their
lawn at exactly the same height. They were friendly neighbors because they had
exactly identical lives. One day the price of petroleum products were inflated.
Since neither person wanted to spend extra money, they let the grass in between
their lawns grow and neither person would cut it. Eventually the grass grew
high enough that the two neighbors became bitter enemies to one another. The
first neighbor bought a push mower that did not run on gasoline. Then he
realized it was brutally difficult to operate. Realizing that he had wasted
dozens of valuable monetary units, the first neighbor committed honorable
suicide. The second neighbor, enraged by paranoia, decided to napolm the first
neighbors house." "Uncle Wrap what does napalm mean?" " For
one thing, it's spelled incorrectly. But, it is when styrofoam is set on fire
to release hazardous gases. Now can we get on with the story? Anyway the second
neighbor, enraged with paranoia, decided to napolm the first neighbor’s house.
As the first neighbor was walking through the long grass in between the two
properties, the first neighbor was bitten several times by multiple rats and
other disease-carrying lawn rodents. The bites caused the first neighbor to
fall into the long grass and his already lit napolm set the grass ablaze. The
poisonous chemicals from the napolm, The disease and blood loss from the
rodents, and the scorched tissue incurred from the blaze ultimately led to the
second neighbors demise. The two neighbors negative ki flowed into and led to
the imbalance of the universe. However the coroner was quite impressed with the
neighbors' deaths. And in the end, aren't we all just laughter for our
coroners. Well, young nephew, that was a truly decent children's story. Hold on
a minute, I've got to go get the phone."
“ Hello. Oh, hi Bulwark. You and
Murmur are gonna be at the bar on 52nd Street. No, I can’t. I’ve
gotta babysit for my sister. Yeah, she says it’s hard to find someone to trust
in Dark Alley. So where’s Vincente and Nocturine? Trying to build some romantic
tension to prolong the run of the series. Yeah, I guess I better say the
disclaimer now. Bye”
“Disclaimer: The writer of this story does not receive any money for this. The characters, for the most part, belong to Marvel comics, specifically the now defunct title Generation X. If you were to give money to the writer for this piece, it would set him or her back financially more than he or she could possibly afford. If he or she were to receive money for this piece, the following companies would have to receive royalties: Marvel Comics, McDonald’s food services, Walmart,…Walmart, how and why are we going to mention Walmart in these following two to five days. I’m not reading the rest of this list; it’s depressing the hell out of me. Anyway here comes the title.”
“But the first one available to the general public.” “ That’s right nephew. Now it’s time for the opening credits while an appropriate but highly overplayed song plays behind the pictures of the cast.”
Wrap
as Wrap. Nocturine as Nocturine. Vincente as Vincente. Bulwark as Bulwark.
Murmur as Murmur. DOA as DOA. Emplate as Emplate. With guest stars most of
Generation X and a cameo role by Danny DeVito.
A
road. A car. The same four-door sedan af Nocturine’s that was introduced last
chapter. Two people rather enamored with each other are in this car. “You know
sometimes I’m green and sometimes I’m purple. It all depends on the lighting”
“Yeah, well. In the right lighting. Hey look at this asshole.” Tires screech at
an intersection. Vincente gets out of the car. He goes up to the opposing car.
Taps on the window. “ Why don’tcha watch the fucking road….Hey, I know you.”
“You tell them, Vinny.” Shrieks Nocturine. “ Hey watch your mouth, vato.” “What
does vato mean?” “I dunno.” “ That’s one of your Marvel words. Isn’t it, Skin?
Is that what Marvel pays you for now? To try to get in car accidents, and run
your fake slang words into sentences whenever some guy comes and yells at you?
Is that what Marvel pays you for now?” “ We should fight and btw Marvel
released us.” “ What is it with you people? Do you think we are twisted evil
fiends all the time? And by the way, Emplate’s quest was noble. He just wanted
to eat. Didn’t think about that? And why does something like this happen every
time I try to take a nice romantic drive with my girlfriend?” “Sorry, man. I
guess I don’t have to use the language anymore. And what’s so romantic about a
drive?” “We’re doing our best to stay under an NC-17 rating. It’s not our best
work but sadly it’s what we have to do. Hell, we may even have to delete some
scenes. Hey, is that Jubilee in there with you?” “Yup, we were going to LA, but
sadly we ran out of toll money. Oh, and we have Ev’s corpse in our trunk.”
“Well then, where do you keep your luggage?” “ In the back seat. What are you
nuts or something?”
“Ev was a New Hellion for a while.
Hey, why don’t we have a death party for him? You two can stay at Wrap’s
apartment. It’s thew only location suitable for living that is developed so
far.” “Well, we were going to stay at Walmart Super Center parking lot. But
Wrap might have food we can mooch off of him.” “It’s on the corner of chestnut
and 33rd. Here I’ll write the apartment number down. Welcome to Dark
Alley, Angelo and Jubilee.” “Thanks, man.” “No problem.”
Meanwhile, at the bar at 52nd
street. The band is playing Sam Cooke. “ I’m telling you, Bulwark. If it were
up to me, I’d be the one dating Nocturine instead of Vincente.” Says Murmur. “
Are you sure it’s safe to date someone from work? Would you be able to keep
your romantic relationship at a low enough MPAA rating level?” asks Bulwark.
“Sure, onscreen.” Bulwark gives Murmur a soft brotherly shove on the shoulder.
Murmur falls off his stool. “ Bulwark, the crowd is rough tonight. We’re probably going to have to kill
someone.” “Rock, Paper, Scissor, Shoot. Damn.” Bulwark has lost the game. “
Don’t worry, buddy. You’ll get to kill someone later.”
The
crowd was rough. The lead drunk took a swing at murmur with a broken bottle.
Murmur’s eyes rolled back in his head. He opened his teleportal (teleportation
portal do I have to spell it out for ya) at the drunk’s solar plexus and
quickly closed it again. He then opened a teleportal over the drunk’s head. The
drunk’s legs and lower torso hit him in the head. This caused the drunk to fall
down and his own dead legs choked him mercilessly. “You know that technique is
surprisingly less bloody than I expected.” Says Bulwark. “ I know. Everybody
says that. Let’s get outta here. Wanna grab a bite?” “Sure, I could eat.”
Bulwark and Murmur leave the 52nd Street Bar.
Some time later, The McDonalds on 44th. “Two medium
number 3’s.” “8.88.” They wait at the
counter for their quarter pounder with cheese meals. “Other places have better
waiting areas. I mean we’ve got to be pissing off the people behind us.” “There are no people behind us.” “It’s a
hypothetical statement, Bulwark.” They get their food. They fill up their
drinks with Coca-Cola Classic. The left-most fountain. There are two fountains
of Coca-Cola Classic at this McDonalds. “We get the same thing every time we
come here.” “ Well, it’s better than the inverse.” “And what would that be?”
“Filet O Fish Supersize Meal with the right-most fountain Coke.” “You’re right.
The Coke on the right is always watery. And I cant eat a supersize fry. And I’m
about 6’8.”
The corner of Chestnut and 33rd.
Wrap’s building. The elevator. “ Is that a 7 or a 1.” “ Only one way to find
out.” Knocking. “Hello.” “That can’t be Wrap.” “Wrap is my name. You’re Skin
and Jubilee, right.” “ You look different.” “ Well, it has been a couple of
years and I’m not in my costume.” “That was a costume.” “Yeah. Do you know how
hot that suit is. I’d need to be crazy or at least masochistic to wear it
outside of work in the dog days of summer. So whatcha doing here?” “We’ve come
to live off of you, at least until Ev’s death party.” “Ev’s dead?” “Yeah. We
have his corpse in our trunk.” “Why?” “Well, obviously he wouldn’t fit in the
glove compartment.” “I should’ve rephrased that. Why are you carrying his
corpse around?” “ Because theteamwasdisbandedandweweretheonegoingclosesttost.louisandweranoutoftollmoneybeforewegottost.louisandwealmostcrashedintonocturineandvinnyandtheytoldustocometoyourplace.”
“Ok, come in and explain it slowly.”
Later that night, “Okay, so you are
saying that we’re having a party to celebrate” “ remember” “ok, remember Ev’s
death at my apartment. And you’ve known about this for 3 hours and you’re just
telling me now.” “Yep, pretty much.”
This scene has been deleted.
Important things that happened in this scene are: Wrap’s nephew leaves and the
Danny DeVito cameo happens.
Meanwhile,
Bulwark and Murmur are elsewhere, talking. “ So, in a death party do you get
the dead guy a gift?” “ No, but I think you have to bring something for the
other participants to eat. I’m thinking of making ramen.” “Why ramen?” “Well,
everybody loves ramen.” “I’m allergic to ramen. And, just a reminder viewing
audience, this is bad CBS reference one. Look for others.” “Well, aren’t you
special.”
Meanwhile,
Vinny is calling the remaining members of GenX. “No, it’s not a funeral. It’s a
death party. No, not a wake either. Death party. Death P-A-R-T-Y. Bring a gift?
Well, I guess it all depends on how much you like the deceased.”
Intermission.
Commercial break. Whatever you want to call it.
The
later, Wrap’s apartment. All characters introduced and not yet killed are
present, excluding Wrap’s extended family. Vincente say, “ Hi, for all those in
the viewing audience. During the time in which you were supposed to not be
watching, There was a heated argument between Wrap and Jubilee about who
belonged to the better generation. Angelo interjected that since he was born in
the gap between the two generations that he should be the moderator. Skin as
the voice of reason, you won’t find that in any of the “good” fanfics. A question
was brought up about DoA wearing his hat outside of work which was later
contributed to the fact that he has constantly bad haircuts. Kinda makes me
glad I can’t grow hair. Oh, you didn’t notice that I didn’t have eyelashes.
Well you would if I was one of your main characters. Later, we talked about how
my tattoos are inconsistent and how we are all afraid to go out of the area
outside the streets ranging from 30th to 70th. But this
was CheeseWeasel’s script, so you know the writing couldn’t be that great. Now,
we’re going to call The Sign at Rising Sons headquarters in Madripoor because
It’s probably Monday already where they are.” “And you’re going to use my
phone? You better reimburse me when the bill arrives.” Says Wrap.
The
following paragraph will be divided into two parts; Here and Madripoor. Here,
“Hello, could you forward me to The Sign.” Madripoor, “Hello?” Here, “Hi,
Paul.” Madripoor, “Oh, Vincente. What a pleasant surprise.” The Sign rolls his
eyes. Here, “I have better tattoos then you.” Madripoor, “Sure you do, and your
teammates are original and not a cheap capitalistic Omega Red, a Domino with
energy blasts, a mummified Nightcrawler, a short zombie, and a super-strong
German. Really bloody original.” Here, outside the phone, “Hey, he just
insulted you guys.” On the phone, “ Yeah but it’s better than your team, and by
the way, It took three (3) issues for us to make our debut. And it only took
you two (2) issues to debut. And we’re recurring characters.” Vincente sticks
out tongue and pulls on eyelid. Madripoor, “I hear that the next SSV convention
is in Dark Alley.” Here, “Yup, Are you coming? It’s the first time the Society
of Super Villains has met in Dark Alley.” Madripoor, “ Yeah, we’ll be there.
I’d better get back to work. Talk to you later, bud.” Here, “All right, Bye.” Click. “You were awfully long winded
for using someone else’s long distance minutes.
The
Party to celebrate Ev’s death. The people currently living in Wrap’s apartment
plus Vinny, Nocturine, Murmur, DoA and Bulwark are already there. A big steamy
pot of Ramen is on the counter, along with chips, beer, soda, and pizza. A pot
of coffee is being made. Ev’s corpse is sprawled out on the sofa that Bulwark
helped move from Wrap’s parent’s house. The coffee gets done. “Who wants a
cup?” asks Wrap, pouring one for himself. Jubilee says, “Sure.” “It’ll stunt
your growth.” Says Wrap. “No, it won’t.” “Yes, it’ll.” “ I spent over 16 years
in Marvel comics as a character, nothing could possibly stunt my growth any
more than it has been already.” “You have a point.”
People
start arriving. Jono arrives first with a decent-sized box under his arm.
Nocturine says, “Hey, it’s Liquid Leather Jacket.” {My name is Jono. You’re the
lady who wears the 2 with serifs dress, aren’t you?} “ ‘Fraid so.” Says
Nocturine. Emplate arrives. “ Hi, boss” says most of the population. “ Hello.”
Everyone else arrives except Paige, because she didn’t leave a mailing address
when she left in 75, and Penance, because she is afraid of Emplate.
Party
conversation. “Hey, Emma.” Wrap says, “real blonde.” He points to his head.
Emma flashes him a finger. Elsewhere in the room. “ Hey, where’s the
kid who turned into the ground?” Bulwark said that. “Well, it turns out we never knew him. And according to a different story by CheeseWeasel that hasn’t
been typed up yet, Mondo was sold to the Hellfire Club by Cordellia, who in
turn sold him to Black Tom Cassidy. Black Tom had a deadly herbal symbiosis and
seeked Spiral of The Body Shoppe to cure him. So he gave Mondo to her. But,
Black Tom gets custody of Mondo
Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend.” “Okay, What happens on
holidays?” Later. “ So, Jono, how has it been as an Xman?” {To be honest, I
haven’t been paying attention. Most of my scenes are done by a double. You’d be
surprised to see how many people will light themselves on fire to get into
comic books}. “ I thought it was not fire but bionuclear energy” {It is but
Marvels theory is the fans can’t tell the difference.}
The
gifts. Jono got Ev a helmet. It could be useful since Ev dies during bombs.
Nocturine got Ev a Foreman grill. But, Wrap would not allow a gas grill in his
apartment. He says that charcoal-grilled things taste better. Most of the
others got him cash or lottery tickets, others thought it was unintelligible to
buy dead people gifts.
The
important conversation. “It’s too bad our title was cancelled. Or else Ev could
have been resurrected.” Vincente-“We could resurrect him but it would require
us to go to (dramatic music) 28th Street.” Jubilee (to M)-“ You know
when Ev is alive again, you don’t stand a chance. Because no one would
associate with any relative of their boss.” M-“Damn.”
Don’t
you hate: To Be Continued.
The
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In
the next installation of New Hellions: Will the New Hellions overcome their
fear of 28th Street? Will Ev be resurrected? Why will they wax Ev’s
head? Will Skin and Jubilee become regular characters? Plus, A whole lot less
Wrap’s nephew.
