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This story was conceived from reading Kielle's X-MiST and my own gut hatred for Larry Hama's Generation Drek. As I live in Vancouver, I've never seen MST, so I can't follow the official format, but I like the general concept.
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, although I might have taken better care of them. Still, I'm broke and this bit of writing won't help that, so I can't be sued. Go to Marvel if you must litigate.
Note: Some mild swearing and lascivious comments. Works much better if one can have issues #33 and #34 of Generation X on-hand.
">" Denotes something which is depicted in the comic books -- usually either a summary or some dialogue. I include page number as well.
So, Jono and Paige were going at it upstairs, Angelo was selling Monet
another hit of heroin, Jubilee and Everett were having a massive food
fight that degenerated into simply smashing Emma's crystal on the
floor, Penance was methodically ripping the upholstery off the sofa and
Artie and Leech fell into the "Biological Waste" bin and were pulped
into genetic soup before being incinerated.
Another boring night at the Massacheusetts Academy.
"Here, what th' hell's gotten into yeh children?" Banshee stood in the
rec room doorway, fists planted on his hips in the classic "Oooh,
now you're in trouble" pose.
"Lookit meee!" Jubilee shrieked from the kitchen. "I'm Sybil!" Smash
went Emma's pickle dish.
"Just leave them alone, Sean," Emma counseled with a yawn from where
she was ensconced in the only armchair Penny hadn't touched.
"Sometimes the boredom just gets to them. It's psychologically healthy
for them to release pent-up tensions and desires this way."
"By ruinin' the place? By doin' away wi' Paige's virtue an' yer
crystal? For heavensake, woman, Angelo's cookin' up for Monet!"
At this point the author realized what damage too many cigarettes and
too little sleep after watching "South Park" can do to her and the
characters she gets her hands on. In a shamefaced effort to provide
her characters with legal entertainment, she used her Word Processing
powers to make two shiny comic books materialize on their coffee
table.
The Generation X members and administrators all halted in their varying
modes of destruction and gathered around the table. Even Paige stopped
"reaching for the Starsmore" (ouch) and they came down to see what was
going on.
"That's...us," Paige said finally, reaching out to pick up #33
of one of "The World's Greatest Comics."
"It's meant to be us, anyway." Angelo wrinkled his face in
disgust at the representation of himself.
"It's horrible," Everett covered his mouth. "And yet...I can't wait to
see the inside..."
Words he would regret as much as the author regrets purchasing the damn
book...
"Why are there so many close-ups've my feet?" Angelo inquired
plaintively.
"I'd love ta tell ya, Ange, I reeeally would, but I seem t'be
regressing inta some kinda Neanderthal chick." Jubilee stared in
repulsion at her likeness on the first page. "Either that, or I've got
a huge case a'lockjaw."
"I've turned into a raccoon!" Ev yelped.
Monet looked smugly pleased. "I'm not even in this rag," she primped.
"A richly deserved blessing, I might add."
"Callate, M. Go shoot up'r sumthin'."
"Now, now, children." Emma's ice-cream smooth voice slid in. "You
haven't even begun on the writing yet."
> Tracy Authier and that loser Aemon break into the Academy
> (4), having "lucked out" with the security system off.
"Sheyah, like that would ever happen," Jubilee scoffed. "This
is an X-Mansion, people. They all come equipped with
self-arming defense systems an' more intruder-choppin' lasers than you
could shake a lockpick at!"
"I find the most offensive part the fact that the blame was passed off
on me," Emma sniffed.
"Yeah, Frosty -- you would."
> Back in the diner, the others are being harassed.(6)
> Dorian: Yo, how come these fine babes are hanging out with a
> bunch of geeks, huh?
"As if him and his Cameron-Hodge-lookalike buddy are the epitome of
coolness," Paige laughed.
"I don't know," Everett demurred. "I would feel like an A-Class
Babe-Magnet if my name was *snicker* 'Dorian'!"
> The thieves looting the Academy.(7)
> Aemon: --and some phat beats!
At this point, the Gen-Xers all burst into laughter.
:Yer wot?: Jono gasped telepathically. :Since when do I own any bloody
'phat beats'? And wot th'smeg qualifies as a 'phat beat'?:
"Get with th'lingo, homes," Angelo pulled his baseball cap over his
eyes and slouched a bit more. "'Chu gotta be down wit'th'hip talk
an'all, ese, or we gonna hafta kick you t'th'curb! Don' mess, y'hear
me? Yo yo 'sup!!!!"
"Oh, God," Everett shook his head. "Antiquated 'hip teen' talk...all
we need are some slap bracelets and slouch socks..."
Angelo started jumping up and down, stiff-legged. "Daddy-Mac'll make
ya -- Jump! Jump!" he caroled. Squealing with laughter, Jubilee joined
in with the Kriss-Kross madness and the two of them had to be
restrained forcibly.
> Page 8 -- the Sega ad: a guy with all that shit in his face.
"I've been thinkin've gettin' an eyebrow ring," Angelo said
thoughtfully, rubbing his bristly chin.
"Oh aye," Sean said. "And while you're at it, get a ring fer yer nose
so we can lead yeh around by it." He slapped his knee, chuckling,
while the kids rolled their eyes.
Paige liked the idea, though. "And get a lip ring! And maybe an
earring!"
:An' get a ring on yer special fella, too.:
Emma and Monet looked prim and the others were confused when Angelo
hooted with laughter and Jono's eyes took on a mirthful crinkle.
> Chief Authier steps in to save the super-powered mutants (10)
> Authier: I'm Huguenot and Ojibway. My wife is Armenian and Jewish.
Jubilee cackled. "And a par-tridge in a pear tree!"
"I hate hate hate it when people have to tell you their whole
geneology as a middle name!" Ev moaned.
:You'd never get that from non-colored folks,: Jono pointed out.
:Here, that'd be brilliant -- Hello, m'name's Starsmore, my family
prob'ly oppressed or conquered or pillaged yer country at some point in
history! Let's be mates!:
> Muir Island -- which, naturally, means Moira (12).
> Moira: The Legacy Virus could be from the same class of
> infectious agents that cause mad cow disease.
Paige gave an indelicate snort. "Ya mean all we've gotta do ta prevent
the Legacy Virus is stop eating other mutants?"
"MOOOO!!!" Jubilee bellowed, head-butting Ev. "I'm a MAD COW!!!!"
> Banshee: Tomorrow is another day--
"Why, Mr. Cassidy," Paige said, impressed, "Ah didn't know you liked
'Gone With The Wind' so much!"
"I dinnae want t'talk about it," Sean said shortly.
> The Gen-Xers return to find things missing. (13)
> Skin: Caramba! Hijo de la--!
"Howcum I never get t'say anything really nasty, like 'jueputa' or
'carajo' or 'chupamela' or--"
"Enough!" Emma's telepathic command shut Angelo up.
> Synch: My life savings are gone!
"Oh, yeah, that's likely," Everett scoffed. "'Cause, y'know, I'm a complete inbred idiot who's never heard of a bank. I keep all my money in a sock under my mattress."
> (14) Synch: I knew we shouldn't have stayed in town to see
> "Starship Troopers"! How could a movie do justice to
> Heinlein's book?
"Who gives a whoop?" Jubilee drooled. "As long as I'm lookin' at
Casper VanDiem, I'm happy!"
"Hear, hear," Monet said quietly, then looked discomfitted when they
all stared at her. "I'm not made of stone, you know!" she snapped.
:Looks like yer gettin' all th'choice lines in this bit, Ev,: Jono
snickered.
> (15) Synch: She did her job and kept the faith!
Everett groaned. "Oh, man, now I'm quoting Bon Jovi songs! What's next, 'On a steel horse I ride'?"
> Skin: Excuse me if I don't be pounding you on the back!
"Huh?" Angelo scratched his head. "Did I fall off the back of the Understandable Sentence wagon?"
> Jubilee: I know you can't tell us, Penance--
"But I'll ask ya anyway," Jubilee finished off. "Am I a total doink or
what?"
"Not until page 19 when you say 'reality biscuit' with a straight
face," Paige giggled.
"Biscuit!" Jubilee said brightly.
"Poughkeepsie!" Monet and Paige responded. Emma smiled slightly at the
baffled male faces around her.
"Ally McBeal joke," she explained.
> Page 19 -- Skin makes a series of political comments.
Paige looked slightly puzzled. "This doesn't make sense," she said.
"Ah thought Marvel did their best to have no discernible opinion on
anything even slightly controversial whatsoever?"
"Watch it," Sean warned. "Ye're breachin' that fourth wall now."
"Typical," Angelo complained. "Th'only time I get t'talk about the
state've the nation and it's got to do with oral sex."
Sean and Emma gave each other considering looks, then shrugged. He was
right, after all.
:Quitcher whingin',: Jono prodded his friend. :You spend most've yer
time talkin' about oral sex anyway.:
"Yeah, but it's th'principle've the thing."
> Page 20 -- That Chimera and that freaking rat come in, but I
> don't understand what the hell's going on either so I won't
> inflict it on the characters. We'll jump ahead to...
> Pages 22&23 -- Insipid dialogue.
"Why is it that hack writers always pepper their works with more exclamation points that a junior high love letter?" Monet inquired distastefully.
> Skin: It's like that evil guy with the beard and fingerless
> gloves from "Oliver Twist"!
"Hey, he wasn't evil," Angelo protested. He started to croon and hop
around, singing "You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two" until Paige
whapped him across the chest.
"This is yoah fault, Lee," she said. Jubilee shrugged.
"So I like watching 'Oliver!' at Christmas. How wuz I t'know he'd take
to Fagin so much?"
> Paige decides to attack the bullies.(27)
> Dorian: It's one o'those she-geeks!
"No, it's She-Hulk!"
:She-Ra!:
"She-Male!"
"Yoah dead, Lee!"
> Paige stands stupidly with her arms outspread and lets
> Dorian whack her on the jaw.
"Puh-leeeze, like Hayseed doesn't know how to fight minus her
powers!"
Monet smiled. "Perhaps she was overcome by Dorian's je ne sais
quois, oui?"
"Overcome by a cruddy writer's more like it," Paige scowled.
> The bad guys are arrested and it's time for meaningful
> conversation with Aemon.(30)
> Aemon: And I bet the calculus book and the cigar box have
> some sort of sentimental value to Angelo and Paige,
right?
"What the hell?" Angelo was irritated. "How did he get on a
first-name basis all of a sudden?"
:Admit it, mate. Yer lifelong quest has been to become chums with some
snot-nose who's got the gittiest name possible.:
> Jubilee: Who is Trace?
> Aemon: You don't KNOW?"
"Du-uhhh!" Jubilee crossed her eyes and squinched up her face. "No, I
dunno who 'Trace' is. I guess that makes me a moron! I better go join
the Loser Patrol!"
"Because obviously, everyone in the world knows Trace," Paige
laughed.
> The final page, at long last!
> That trampy Tracy Authier lying on her bed with Skin's gun,
> Husk's journal, and wearing Jubilee's hat.
"Hey," Everett's forehead creased as he looked at the picture. "How's
she managing to lie down comfortably with a cowboy hat on her head?"
"No explanations are needed," Monet intoned. "She is, after all, the
vaunted 'Trace.'"
"Yeh know, lad," Sean said to Angelo, "a cigar box would be the
absolute worst place t'put somethin' yeh wanted t'hide from Emma and
me. Sure'n we'd just confiscate the whole thing."
"Si, I know that. But Larry Hama apparently can't think
simplistic concepts through."
:Don't ferget Steve Harris' brilliant artwork, mate. He makes us look
like right bloody prats.:
"Aren't you overlooking something, children?"
The Gen-Xers turned to see what Emma was talking about, still
congratulating themselves for being not in the least like the nasty
Hama personas.
The light glinted off the strangely vegetable-like portraits of the
team on the cover of Generation X #34. Emma grimaced at the sight of
her grossly exaggerated eyes and the completely untrue title blurb as
she tossed it back onto the table.
"There's still another issue to read..."
--oO--
Well, that's my first attempt at a fanfic. As long as I'm more well-received than Andrew Vincent or Steven Ratliff, I'll be peachy.
